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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband is giving serious consideration to having a vasectomy. The very thought of which makes me physically ill-I have the urge to vomit whenever I think of him having it done. Not only is it absolutely condemned by my religion, there are medical implications involved-chronic pain, risk of other autoimmune disorders, and a significantly increased risk of cancer-but the thought of him being 'snipped' as he so blithely puts it absolutely makes him unattractive to me. I dont know why, and I guess it doesn't matter-I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there whose husband went ahead with it and is now regretting it, or is having complications from it.

(BTW-I don't want to hear anything about how it's perfectly safe and there's nothing wrong with it. It isn't, and if I wanted to hear that I'd talk with a doctor. If thats all you have to say, save your effort and don't bother because you won't change my mind.)

We've discussed it on and off since we were dating, and I've always been adamantly opposed to it, but I'm not certain he takes my concerns to heart. He's out of town at the moment but as soon as he walks through the door we're going to discuss it further. Anybody have any thoughts or find themselves in a similar situation?

Thanks...
 

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Hi,

I can definitely sympathize with you. I have two children, ages 7 and 3.5. When the second was about 18 mos, DH told me he was thinking about making an appt with a urologist to get snipped. I think my jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment I mumbled something about how I didn't think that was a great idea, and then later when I'd had time to collect my thoughts I gave him the following arguments:

1) I didn't feel done with children, and even if he did he needed to give me some more time to get to that point where him having a V wouldn't completely destroy me.

2) Our children were young enough that <shudder> if something were to happen to one of them we would try for another eventually.

3) We were both still young enough (31 at the time) that there was always the chance that something could happen to one of us and the other might end up with someone else who wants kids. He had a really hard time imagining this one!

I guess these points were enough to give him pause because he never did make the appointment. That was two years ago. Right now I am 9 weeks PG with #3, a TOTAL accident (I was on bcp) and he is SO ANGRY. He wishes he had gotten the V. He does not want this baby and we are at a really difficult spot right now as I can NOT terminate, no way, and he can't see us having another. I'm not sure what will happen with us, but I am definitely carrying this baby to term.

All I can hope is that he comes to grips with it in the next 7 months and someday looks back and realizes our third baby was a gift and a blessing.

The ironic thing about this situation is that I told him in July that I was finally OK with him getting a V. In fact, I encouraged him to go ahead and do it because I was still wishing for a third child and if I knew he'd had a V I might be able to get past it. I don't know why he didn't schedule the appt right then. He said he was just busy and kept forgetting. Well, obviously Life had other plans for us.

I have such mixed emotions right now. I feel completely blessed by this third pregnancy, like all my prayers have been answered. But at the same time I may very well be irreparably damaging my marriage by refusing to terminate. I also feel guilty that this happened - like my wishing for another made it so.

He has already made an appointent for a vasectomy consultation. I guess he will be snipped by the new year. I am OK with that, because seeing how this third pregnancy has turned us on our heads, we clearly don't need to be going there again in the future. So when this baby is born at least I won't have to worry about birth control. I just pray that s/he makes it because there is no second chance after this.

Hugs to you, this is so hard. have you talked about having more children or are you both content with one?

Jamie
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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Originally Posted by hypnobirthingmama View Post
Hugs to you, this is so hard. have you talked about having more children or are you both content with one?
Jamie
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Ugh. Hugs back-I think you need it more than I do! Congratulations though-on the new kidlet!

We've talked about it, he doesn't want anymore and I do. Before we got married, we were planning to have two (he has two girls already) Beyond that particular fact, also before we got married, he was well aware of how I felt about vasectomies-that they are condemned in the bible (read Deuteronomy), and condemned by the Church, and we discussed it several times, and I thought it was resolved. The thought of him having it done makes me physically ill, and quite frankly, would eliminate any desire for him that I have now. I don't know why, I just find it so-I can't even find the right word-demasculinizing, maybe? I can't describe the emotion that I feel-no word seems quite appropriate.

Quite frankly, it would be easier for me to accept if he were to come home and tell me he'd had an affair than if he came home and said he had a vasectomy. At least then we could work it out and move on. I honestly don't know if I could stay married to him if he has it done. Yeah, it's his body, but I want to have sex with the man I married, not a gomer. (A gomer procedure is done on cattle and it's a vasectomy by a different name.) And, having said that, it's my body and if I don't want to have sex with him after that, I think that's my perogative as well. (I know I'm being hardnosed about this, but dang it-if I'd known he was going to pull this, I'd have seriously reconsidered getting married.)

And besides that, it increases your risk of autoimmune diseases like MS and Type 1 diabetes tremendously, and your risk of cancer between 85 and 350%-especially prostate and testicular (that's verbatim from my father's urologist, btw) -and I just lost my father less than a month ago to cancer at the grand old age of 53 (ten years old than DH)-why on earth would he want to volunteer for something like that given his major tendency to immune issues anyway!?? After watching Dad wither away and struggle first just to eat, then to sit up, and finally struggle just to breathe (he had neuroendocrine cancer that spread to his liver and caused liver failure) I sure as hell don't want to sit around wondering and worrying if that's going to happen to DH. I'm just at a loss. He comes home tomorrow and we're going to discuss it at great length.

: I'm having a hard time thinking about much else these days. He says I'm his best friend, yet he won't take my feelings on things like this seriously. Beyond the more kids issue even, it's got serious moral and health consequences, and I can't support him in that. He just says well, I talked to so and so and they haven't had any trouble.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurel723 View Post
Quite frankly, it would be easier for me to accept if he were to come home and tell me he'd had an affair than if he came home and said he had a vasectomy. At least then we could work it out and move on. I honestly don't know if I could stay married to him if he has it done.
I can't imagine feeling that my husband betraying me and his wedding vows would be preferable to his making a responsible decision about family planning.

Is there anything else going on in your relationship that contributes to your feeling like this way? Your feelings about this are so very strong - maybe talking to a counselor would help?
 

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My ExH had a vasectomy when our youngest was about 2 years old. He had a difficult recovery, but no regrets for either of us.

We both had the mindset that we had two children and only wanted two children. That's it. It wasn't "I have two children and don't want any more with YOU, but might one day with someone ELSE."

We are both in relationships with other people now....people who don't want children of their own, or don't want more children.
 

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Well, he would still ejaculate..everything would be exactly the same except for that there would be no sperm. I don't understand how you wouldn't want to be married to him or have sex with him ijust because he wasn't producing ....sperm???

Think of it this way: once you reach menopause and you are no longer sending eggs down your fallopian tubes each month, would that be a reason for your DH to not want to stay married to you?

Did you only marry him for his sperm-producing qualities? I realize that there are probably much deeper issues here. I would recommend counseling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
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Originally Posted by cmd View Post
Well, he would still ejaculate..everything would be exactly the same except for that there would be no sperm. I don't understand how you wouldn't want to be married to him or have sex with him ijust because he wasn't producing ....sperm???

Think of it this way: once you reach menopause and you are no longer sending eggs down your fallopian tubes each month, would that be a reason for your DH to not want to stay married to you?.
Um, what part of condemned by the Bible and by the Church is unclear? Intentional sterilization is very, very different than that which happens unintentionally-either due to age or other reasons out of your control, or for that matter, that which happens every month. Saying that is kind of like saying an abortion and a miscarriage are no different from each other.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by cmd View Post
Did you only marry him for his sperm-producing qualities? I realize that there are probably much deeper issues here. I would recommend counseling.
What an absolutely ridiculous statement. I don't see how a person could not understand. I don't want to hang around and wait and worry about him developing cancer. Or another related health problem.

Besides that, if if my gut reaction to the thought of having sex with him after the fact is true repulsion, how is that different than a man being repulsed by a woman with sagging breasts, or a load of stretch marks, or cellulite, or whatever? He reminds me quite often about just how much babyweight I have to lose yet before I'll be 'sexy'. He's so concerned about me being attractive to him. What about my attraction to him? Shouldn't that be just as much of a concerm to him?

He agreed to abide by and respect the tenets of my religion before we married, and by getting married. By changing his mind on that, he is breaking our marriage vows. Only this would be in a permanent manner. An affair would not be a permanent occurence. But it would be less damaging.

Obviously my desire to keep him healthy, and still abide by the requirements of my religion coupled with my feelings of hurt caused by my husbands sudden change in heart regarding those desires creates a need for counseling. How sad.
 

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I'm not able to understand it from a religious viewpoint.

But the fact that you said you have the urge to vomit when you think of your DH having a vasectomy - well that's a pretty strong reaction, don't you think? That's the only reason I suggested counseling - and by counseling, I don't necessarily mean a therapist, maybe a religious counselor of some sort (not sure of you religion).

Quote:
He reminds me quite often about just how much babyweight I have to lose yet before I'll be 'sexy'. He's so concerned about me being attractive to him. What about my attraction to him? Shouldn't that be just as much of a concerm to him?
Sounds like there are a lot more issues in your marriage/sex life than just the vasectomy issue. Good luck.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurel723 View Post
He agreed to abide by and respect the tenets of my religion before we married, and by getting married. By changing his mind on that, he is breaking our marriage vows. Only this would be in a permanent manner. An affair would not be a permanent occurence. But it would be less damaging.
As someone who was married to a man who had affairs, let me tell you that they ARE permanent. The element of distrust never completely goes away.

That being said, maybe your husband has had a change of heart and decided that he doesn't want to father a dozen children. Would you rather he produce a bunch of kids that he'll resent?

Quote:
Obviously my desire to keep him healthy, and still abide by the requirements of my religion coupled with my feelings of hurt caused by my husbands sudden change in heart regarding those desires creates a need for counseling. How sad.
Like the other poster said, it sounds like there are bigger issues than him violating YOUR religion. It is sad. Counseling would probably help.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by cmd View Post
Well, he would still ejaculate..everything would be exactly the same except for that there would be no sperm. I don't understand how you wouldn't want to be married to him or have sex with him ijust because he wasn't producing ....sperm???

Think of it this way: once you reach menopause and you are no longer sending eggs down your fallopian tubes each month, would that be a reason for your DH to not want to stay married to you?

Did you only marry him for his sperm-producing qualities? I realize that there are probably much deeper issues here. I would recommend counseling.
Harsh, but I agree.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurel723 View Post
Besides that, if if my gut reaction to the thought of having sex with him after the fact is true repulsion, how is that different than a man being repulsed by a woman with sagging breasts, or a load of stretch marks, or cellulite, or whatever? He reminds me quite often about just how much babyweight I have to lose yet before I'll be 'sexy'. He's so concerned about me being attractive to him. What about my attraction to him? Shouldn't that be just as much of a concerm to him?...

Obviously my desire to keep him healthy, and still abide by the requirements of my religion coupled with my feelings of hurt caused by my husbands sudden change in heart regarding those desires creates a need for counseling. How sad.
Your concerns about not being done, the religious implications, and the possible long term health consequences are very real. I think it's fine for you to insist he not do it, and you guys find an alternative.

However, the huge significance you're attributing to this in terms of his attractiveness, and referring to him with a term applied to cattle, is a little strange. Maybe instead of you matching his pickiness for sexual attraction, he should just be less picky. Personally I think it's kind of obnoxious when my DH tries to go there. I don't go there with my DH because I don't want to fan his insecurities. If he said he'd lose his attraction to me if I turned out to be infertile or something, I'd bite his head off, frankly.

It may be that the strength of feeling you have for the first reasons, and the fear that he may go ahead with it despite your non-consent, is spilling over into other areas.

Then again, people are different. I guess for some fertility is a turnon and infertility would be a turnoff. But it is worth staying respectful about it.
 

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DH had a vas done, and we are now talking about wanting another child ..do we regret it NO but i guess everyone is different , also i am not aware of anyone having serious complications from a vas, giving birth is more dangerous and there are many more things out there that are.. you get cancer now a days by breathing the air so i cant say for you i believe everyone has to make there own choice and do what is right for them

good luck
 

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nak

it seems like if your husband knew how stongly you felt about this he would be insane to get it done -- or really not care about your feelings. it seems, though, that the heart of this matter must be whether or not to have more kids. He doesn't want more, you do?

There must be a compromise... perhaps a different form of birth control that he could trust and be comfortable with?

It does seem that there must be deeper things going on.
 

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good goddess, my husband isn't the most delicate speaker on earth, but I cannot in a million years imagine him telling me I had a bunch of weight to lose before I'd be "sexy" to him! How horrible!

:

I'm guessing NFP is the only option you'll consider... but doesn't he have to go along with that, too?
 
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