Difference in Libido, how to deal?

I am not saying that we don't have a problem. We do. I'm in your husband's shoes.

It's not fun being on that side of it, and my SO gets hurt and upset because I turn him down. It's just that... Well, I am not as sexual as he is. It's been getting better, but for the most part he's just stopped asking. I need time between lovemaking sessions to recharge my libido.

It got to the point for awhile where anytime I tried to initiate, he would reluctantly go along with it and then end up, how do you say it... Not finishing the job? So, no one was satisfied.

My best advice is to seek counseling. That's what we are going to do, and I hope it helps things along. I really do.

Another idea that I had is to do something romantic. Like, cook his favorite dinner, get dressed up and make an extra effort to look stunning. Leave the kids at their Aunt/Grandmother/Best Friend's House for the evening. Get some beautiful flowers for the table, candles, soft music, and give him a massage. Make him feel like you love him. Watch a romantic movie. Go on a walk together.. Something to spend that special time.

Even if you don't get busy that night, just try to take that time to appriciate each other. We started recently setting some time aside just to kiss. Just to hold one another. Agreeing that it isn't going to go to third base, sometimes, not even feeling under the clothes.

I know it's hard Mama. It really is. Just try to keep in mind.. He loves you! He's just having a hard time. It sounds like you both are.

I understand where you are coming from. We have this issue in our relationship as well. Lately, though, neither of us seems too interested in sex due to some various health issues and major stresses going on with work and my extended family.

When I feel like it's going to drive me bonkers - during my fertile time - I'm super amorous but I don't want to get pregnant again so I haven't even been trying to initiate sex. I do understand the rejection factor and it's so depressing. I suppose I've just decided on some level that it's OK not to have sex but sometimes I still feel rejected. The flip side of this is that my DH probably feels the same way about me due to some abuse issues from a previous relationship I was having pre-TTC which have made him a bit reluctant to approach me.

I guess when it gets really frustrating, I take care of things myself. Not totally satisfying, but I love my DH very much and we're trying to work toward better health and less stress and considering new birth control methods.

That said, I think he's frustrated that we don't have relations much either. Honestly, I don't think either of us can remember when the last time was. Kind of pathetic, I suppose, but we are happy with most of the other aspects of our relationship. The one thing that probably keeps me from going completely over the edge is that DH is a very affectionate person and holds my hand, gives me back rubs, touches me and hugs me a lot. (Sometimes if I'm grumpy I have to tell him to back off.) But in that way and because we talk with one another a lot we have a very intimate relationship. It's just not very sexual right now.

We're both hoping this will change. I hope you can work things out OK with your partner.

this can be a really tough issue. It can really take a toll on your self-esteem, especially since you always hear about men being total horn dogs- you start thinking "what's wrong with me then?"

Has he always been this way or has it started recently? I would suggest-
1) make him go to a Dr. and have his hormone levels checked. I know people's libidos can be all over the spectrum, but once every 6 months!!??!! sounds like some kind of physical problem to me. Many men experience a drop in testosterone as they age (don't know how old he is but it can happen even in the 30's)
2) If he has a lot of stress in his life, try to find ways to remedy that. This is what helped dp and I- he quit his night shift job and took a pretty large pay cut in order to work at a less stressful job which also had hours that were more conducive to us having alone time. I know that isn't always an option, but for us the situation had come to a breaking point and I was about to leave him, something had to be done.
3) Can you pin-point when he started having a drop in his sex drive? (unless he's always been that way or something) Are there any emotional issues going on?

This is a really hard thing to deal with as a woman and there are many of us out there who understand where you're coming from.

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Thank you so much for your post. I needed some wound licking. He has always had what I consider to be a low sex drive. Even early on when most couples go through that, have it ever chance you get he would spend the night at my apartment several nights in a row and we would just sleep. He was in his mid-30's then he's 41 now. My previous boyfriend was in his mid-40's and we'd have sex several times a night. But he was a Scorpio.

He has just started a new job, so he will get back on track with health insurance, and he is way overdue for a physical. I'm going to push him to get his hormone levels checked out. Thanks.

ArtGoddess -- I am definitely in your very same boat, always have been. How long have you been together? I have found that like most marriages, ours has its hills and valleys in the libido department (well, his...not mine! Mine is always at the ready) and so there are months where I am so happy because they seem to match and we are GIO as often as I would like. But more often than not, I am frustrated.

ONe thing that helps me keep perspective is when I watch friends who have babies or are nursing and they are miserable because their horny dhs won't get off their backs...one thing I have always been grateful for is not having anyone pressure me when I am not in the mood.

However, TRUST ME that I understand the flip side. Some days I am in tears over it. Some times I ignore the problem and other times I am ready to leave him over it. The bottom line is that he is a great partner on a friendship level, a great co-parent and a hard worker. I adore him in every area...sometimes I wish we were more in sync more often. I live for the times when the goin' in good.

I wish I had some answers for you -- I don't. Just know you aren't alone. (p.s. I am a Scorpio like your ex-bf...and I have a hard time coming to grips with my lackluster sex life when we are having a dry spell. It seems so unnatural)

I hear ya, AG. It suuuuuuucks. Isn't it the most embarrassing thing to admit on earth?

Makes me feel ugly and unappealing, in fact, and makes attention from other men rather more appealing than it'd be otherwise. This is not a good thing, obviously. LOL. Sigh.

We've had several blowout fights over it. In fact, it's the ONLY thing we ever really fight about.

The fighting didn't help, but telling him that I feel like old-news-warmed-over when I've been shot down fifteen times in a row did seem to help. He's making an effort now... it is a little sad to me that his efforts come from a desire to keep the peace and not a desire for ME per se, but... the alternative is a lot worse.

He's carrying 30 or 40 pounds that he'd rather not be, and I think that's a big factor for him. He is convinced that "when" he loses the weight, he'll be a lovin' machine, which is frustrating for me, because he doesn't really DO anything about the weight, aside from complain about it. And he's had it for as long as I've known him; the odds of 30 pounds falling off spontaneously seem rather long to me.

He is taking some sort of herbal supplement now. It does seem to be helping, too. I dunno whether it's a mental thing or a physical one, but I really don't care that much.

We're at a tolerable place now, but it took a lot of fighting and a lot of me refusing to back down to make it happen: "This is not an acceptable situation; what do we need to do to work on this?" And then make sure it happens.

artgoddess: I'm sorry to hear about this. It's not as uncommon as you might think. I've known several women who have gone through it, and I spent the last five or six years of my first marriage like this. It's very frustrating, and the cultural myth that all men always want it makes it very hard on a woman's self-image. I mean...if they always want it, why can't I get it, right?

It's a lie. Men have varying libidos, just like women do. This may be a sign of other stresses in his work or in your relationship. Another factor is the "who starts it" thing. From what I've seen, the lower libido partner - male or female - usually doesn't do much of the initiating, if any. (I'm referring to couples with a drastic difference, not ones who are very close.) When the one with more drive is the woman, she often (always, in my circle) quits initiating completely, because of the feelings of rejection and unattractiveness. Once the woman stops, the guy doesn't pick up the thread, because it's not that big a deal to him, and he may just feel really weird about it, anyway. And....WHAM...no sex life at all.

I don't really have any help for you. My first marriage ended (not because of that) so I never really solved the problem. I just wanted to let you know that you're NOT alone and this is much, much more common than popular culture wants to recognize.

artgoddess, I am right there!
Except a few weeks ago my husband told me that he didn't find me sexually attractive either. Not that he finds anyone sexually attractive. It's like pulling teeth just to get him to kiss me.
We're 24 and it's been like this for more than five years of marriage.
I don't have any solutions, it's still a big problem with us. All I can say is the second we make any money, he/we are going to sex therapy.
s
PM me if you want to.

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Thank you for getting me. I needed that for this topic so badly. Yes, it really is embarrassing to admit. last night I was out with the girls, and they were going on and on about how happy their hubby's were at the idea of TTC, cause that meant the wives would be in the mood every other night for fertile times. And I just nodded and laughed along with them, pretending as if I knew how they felt. When I got pregnant, and the OB looked at my first ultrasound, I said to him, "What do you mean I'm already 11 weeks along. That would mean I had sex in April, and I don't remember having sex in April. I mean obviously I was there for it, but I don't remember it. Are you sure I'm that far along? I remember having sex in May." I said it with DP in the room, I just blurted it out cause it was honest and I couldn't believe my EDD was a whole month before I figured.

I'm going to try the herbal supplementing. I think that's a great idea, even if it just reminds him once a day when he takes his pills that we should have a sex life, that's a step in the right direction.

I was getting so down over it today and really depressed. that kind of insecurity is an awful place to be, so I forced myself the snap out of it. I got myself in a sexy tight baby-doll tee with no bra underneath, my good butt jeans and seduced him in the kitchen when DS took his nap. He was really resistant at first. Not saying "no" but you could tell he was still (his back, neck and face muscles) and uncomfortable with making out with me. But he finally let go and we had really hot sex on the kitchen counters. Seriously, the hottest we've had in a very long time, maybe since before DS was born more than 2 years ago.

Thanks for your posts mama's. It really helped me to know that I'm not alone, and it isn't me.

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Yeah, I hear THAT! My kids will be 19 months apart, and very little irks me more than going out and hearing friends wink at DH and say, "Y'all have sure been gettin' bizz-ay!"

Yeah, right. Half the reason I didn't bother to go back on BC is that I thought we weren't GIO often enough to get pregnant anyway. lol. Failed to factor in my genetic ability to hold sperm for weeks, like a female guppy. :

And I think you're probably right about the herbal supplement as a kind of daily reminder, kind of like lots of people eat more healthily when they're on cholesterol meds.

Other thing that helped me come to terms with it is trying to imagine what sex would be like if I were missing half the skin off my genitals... would it matter as much to me? I don't know if that's a factor for you, but that gives me the ability to be more.... compassionate about it, and less angry at him.

Mine has been like this apparently most of his life, aside from the very early beginnings of our relationship, which he characterizes as a "weird fluke. Hot, but weird."

He was a homebody bachelor for a looooooong time, and I could never understand how such a wonderful guy managed to stay unattached for so many years. Now I get it; he just wasn't particularly driven to deal with the hassles of dating. Having good friends filled the need for companionship, and while he was sad about the prospect of never having kids of his own, he didn't have that mad internal "drive" to seek out a partner.

So I guess we'll have to take the good with the bad in that package. He's a caring, respectful partner and a great father, which are such important qualities to me. And I did provide him with the family life and kids he had been yearning for. So I figure we gotta meet somewhere in the middle on the "other" stuff.

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I was going to tell ya to do that, because making yourself look hot and then not taking no for an answer is really the only thing that has worked for us in terms of meeting halfway, but I didn't want to make you feel like you had to do EVERYTHING....now you know, you (we) do

ONce we get going, my hubby is hot stuff. It's just the getting started, and apparently it is my lot in life to make that happen. Small price to pay in the grand scheme but touogh to admit all the same.

I'm jealous...too bad I'm preggo...I don't know if I'd look all that hot in a tight outift.

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This sounds a lot like my dh, though he was in his early 30s when we were dating and he's almost 50 now. I think our "every chance you get" phase lasted all of six months. I remember going through feeling that he must not be "the one" if he could lose interest in me that quickly. I realized that he was interested in me (he's the only guy who ever proposed to me, so he had to be interested!), but just not as interested in sex as other men.

I totally hear you about not being able to relate to other women. I knew without a doubt when I got pg with my second child because it was not only the only time we'd had sex that month, but the only time in many months.

I got a tubal partly in a desperate attempt to revitalize our sex life. I bought the idea that a marriage without sex was doomed, and I had heard all those stories about wild sex when birth control is no longer an issue. I didn't realize that those stories were about those other guys--you know, the ones who can't keep their hands off their wives.

ITA that this issue is not given any attention in the media. Our culture is so sex-obsessed that it is seen as abnormal not to have a very high sex drive, and it's just not even acknowledged as a possibility for men. (Men just want food and sex, doncha know. )

This issue did quite a number on my self-esteem for a good while. I finally decided I just wasn't going to let it get to me, that there is more to me, and more to my dh, than just this. He is really a great guy and a good partner and father. Also, I look at my children and realize that I wouldn't have them if not for dh. That is tremendous for me, since I spent so many years not dating (or dating very sporadically) that having a family once seemed like a remote possibility.

I'm so happy you got some artgoddess!!!

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shoot- let the belly hang out and the clothes hug everywhere else! pregnancy is sexy!

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When I am really low over the whole situation, I struggle with this concept. In my heart, I know that we are perfectly suited for each other in every way except in the sack. But I really am dedicated to sticking it out -- maybe in my next life I will get to GIO daily. RIght now, I am blessed with a a caring, funny, respectful and loyal partner -- and this is nothing to walk away from. Sometimes it's just hard to remember. Thanks for reminding me