[mamaduck]

My family of origin is very open. Nobody keeps secrets from anyone, and everyone knows everyone's business. Growing up like this had its pros and cons. For instance, I never learned to feel a sense of shame about illness -- mental or physical. I did sometimes feel my boundries being violated though -- esp. when my parents went through my things, read my journals, or personal letters to friends without my permission. But in terms of what could be talked about openly -- it was always pretty much anything and everything. My family has its skeletons -- but none of them are in the closet.

I've had a hard time in my marriage because my husband and his family fall to the other extreme. My husband seems to be constantly furious with me for telling people in my life things that he considers "private" about our life, his family, or whatever. I feel like I'm consantly in trouble, and I feel like I never know what I'm allowed to talk about and what I'm supposed to keep secret. I'm confused about the "rules" are. Apparently, there are some things that are to be "kept in his immediate family," which includes me -- but not my family. But I'm never specifically told what those things are. I'm often in trouble for "spilling the beans" over issues that *never* in a million years would have been kept private in my family.

I've asked my dh numerous times to TELL me very directly whenever something is meant to be kept in confidence. But he really doesn't .... he just sort of assumes that I should know. Then he gets furious with me when I don't. He insists that I "shouldn't have to be told." He told me tonight that I can't be trusted.

I feel generally hurt and confused.... I feel as though I've done badly, but I feel very blind about what the social rules and boundries are about this sort of thing. I talk to my parents and to my friends about the things going on in my life... and going on with the people in my life. I don't really consider it "gossiping," but my dh uses that word to describe my conversations quite often.

It seems to me that we have a difference in perspective and upbringing when it comes to "openess," and that it is something that we should both be aware of and deal with. But he feels that I am failing morally somehow.

I don't know. Am I? Does anyone else deal with this? I hate secrets. I really do. I suck at secrets. Especially secrets that are not clearly labelled as "confidential."

 

[Gemini]

Quote:

Originally posted by mamaduck I've had a hard time in my marriage because my husband and his family fall to the other extreme. My husband seems to be constantly furious with me for telling people in my life things that he considers "private" about our life, his family, or whatever. I feel like I'm consantly in trouble, and I feel like I never know what I'm allowed to talk about and what I'm supposed to keep secret. I'm confused about the "rules" are. Apparently, there are some things that are to be "kept in his immediate family," which includes me -- but not my family. But I'm never specifically told what those things are. I'm often in trouble for "spilling the beans" over issues that *never* in a million years would have been kept private in my family.

*nods understandingly*

I am the same way and my hubby has said things to me too. I have always been one to "divulge" too much information and someone gets upset about it, or that person I'm talking to looks at me and treats me like I'm nutty for telling so much or whatever. I'm trying to judge situations better as to avoid this, but sometimes it's hard to know. I always think that my judgement must be bad for this trait.

I'm not very good with secrets either.

But the only person I tend to tell is my hubby if I'm promised to keep it.

I'm not much help, but I understand for sure.

 

[sunbaby]

yeah. i have something similar going on with my dh. you sound just fine to me. people have different comfort levels. your dh is fine too,but of course, i agree its not fair if he wont let you know what he doesnt want shared.

it is tricky for me and dh too, because he finds lotsa stuff about me that needs to be kept secret- like depression, and that stuff just becomes so wierd to try to keep secret with folks i am kinda close to, such as his sis and mom. and its about me- i feel it should be my choice who to share with.

and he is even sensetive about stuff that seems pretty unworrisome to me- like when my mom comes over to babysit for our date, and we go to her house for some private time- he really wants to make sure nothing is left indicating that we have been there. because, well, you know, then my mom might suspect we have sex on our date nights.

 

[Eggie]

I'm like your husband

, and my dh is a little bit like you. I explained him the following rules and seems to be working good. He cannot give details about my personal life to others, with out asking me first, for example, my health ("she was throwing up all night" instead "she had an upset stomach"), my activities ("she stayed 5 hours in the mall" instead "she went shopping"), my relatives (her aunt is so old that is having problems at her job" instead "her aunt has some problems at her job") They idea is to keep problems, issues, personal information with details inside the house as it only matters to me and perhaps happens to bother me that my SIL or whatever he is talking with knows about how many time I throwed up. Silly examples but I hope I explained my point. Just avoid giving details, that's not being dishonest. There's a Mexican saying: "The dirty clothes should be washed at home".
I was raised in an environment in which everyone respected the other's privacy, and considered lack of respect to even went thorough someone else papers or archives with out asking first. Just different points of view.

 

[BeeandOwlsMum]

Well, I am in the exact opposite situation.

My Dh and his family are open in a way that makes me a little nuts. I think they are far too open and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Whereas I tend to be more of an introvert and more quiet about some things.

In example, we have been ttc for over a year now and he talked with his sister about it. Some of it is okay to share, but some of it I really felt was just between me and DH. And then his sis came back to me and talked to me about it. Boy that really pushed my boundaries. I hadn't chosen to share that with her and here she was acting like I was supposed to chat with her about it.

We have been talking a lot about this in our marraige. I strongly feel that I can't make dh act like I would in these cases, and that he and his family can't force their way of talking about things on me. It is hard to find a middle ground. I feel that DH and I are a unit, and that we should be with each other first....dh feels that we should be integrated into his family. So we go back and forth about it. The best thing that we have done is be honest. If I don't want to discuss something with his family then I tell him that. If I don't feel like hanging out with his bro and sis (they live in the same twon as us) then I tell him that. If he feels like he really wants to let his family know something, then he tells me. And we discuss it. The point we have come to is that there is not absolute. We take each situation as it comes up. And we talk about it.

I don't know if that would help you and your DH. I am happy to give some perspective from the other side if you want it! :LOL

GOod luck, this is a hard one.

 

[Momma Aimee]

I understand.

dh-2b and I are very differnt; he is very private. I am trying to learn the rules too. I know I talk too much and I turst too easy. I have gotten burnt; but I still seem too willing to trust.

I can't say I am always in trouble; but I have to fell like I am "holding back" in order not to talk too much. I find that things I feel totally at ease talking about with others; he is not. I find that as long as I feel I am holding back; I seem to be doing ok. But we aren't married yet, so we will see.

If you learn the rules; please share them.

Aimee