Mothering Forum banner

1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, my stepson's mama was angry at DP at the time of baby's birth so she didn't put his name on the birth certificate. I don't think it will get on there ever, will it? She didn't allow Ryan(DP) to have any say in the naming process so now his son(who is 2 now) has no tie to his son through his name. She has had a lot of turnover in the boyfriend department also...and acting as if each one is the one she will marry. Mama's mother has had something like 6 different husbands and thus 6 different last names. I wonder if Mama will go down the same road...kinda seems like that may be the case.<br><br>
Soooo, my question/concern is that SS will be drifting around with her maiden name and have no ties to his family in that regard. Have you had this experience? Is there anyway to legally get her to at least hyphenate his last name so that baby can have Dad's last name when Mama changes hers????<br><br>
I wish she wouldn't feel so strongly about punishing DP at baby's expense.<br><br>
But perhaps you have found that names aren't such a big deal?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
603 Posts
I know I am not in a step family but saw this from the main page. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"><br><br>
Our children have my last name. I kept my name when I got married and my husband and I decided together that our children would have my last name not his. We liked the idea of a matrilineal naming tradition, especially since I am more attached to my name then he is to his, my siblings are all girls who changed their names and my father was the only boy in his family so the name was going to end with him, and also I carried, fed with my body, and spend the majority of time with our children and wanted them to have my name.<br><br>
I have never understood why we as women are so pressured to give our children their father's last names and discard our own as unimportant. My husband is the only one in our family with his name and he is still completely connected to our children. Sharing a name is not what identifies a man as a father; playing an active role in their lives, whether you live in the same household or not, is the mark of a father.<br><br>
I understand the upset if your partner's name is not even listed as father on the birth certificate as that would be vastly uncool. However, whether or not she was angry perhaps your stepson's mother had a good reason for choosing to give her son her last name. I know that if I were unmarried I would not even consider giving my child any last name but my own. Maybe if she gets married someday she will keep her own name as well?<br><br>
Whatever happens your son should certainly not feel as though he has no ties to his family, either on his mother's or father's side, as long as both parents (and their partners) work together to create a family focused on love and acceptance for him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,119 Posts
I assume that paternity has been established and he has parental rights and all that? In which case, she won't be able to change the child's name without the dad's permission when/if she gets married. I don't know if the dad can force the mom to agree to hyphenate, though if they agreed, they could go to court and change the child's name. I think it is best to not focus on last names-- it is just a small thing and families are not made or broken over names. In blended families there is really no way for everyone to have the same last name (on both sides of the child's family) so I think we just have decide that it isn't such a big deal and move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,612 Posts
I also am not in a blended family and saw this on the main page and thought I would give my <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies//2cents.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="2 cents">: 'cause I'm bored<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
I can see both sides of this coin. As a woman I feel a strong desire to have my name carry on, (I am also one of three daughters to an only son) I did change my name and my children will have the "new" family name.<br><br>
I did this because I do a lot of genealogy, and it is a complete nightmare when names change a lot. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I also feel like my DNA (you've heard of the awsome-ness of midrocondrial (sp) DNA!) and parental love is stronger then any last name in then world!<br><br>
If it really bothers you, I would suggest it to mama. However, that may just be another way that mama can make your DP squirm. I know that people like to do these kinds of things to each other when they are mad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Much love and I agree with PP. Names aren't the end-all-be-all, they are just names!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You guys are so right. A name is just that...a name. Sometimes I just feel like-"if we could change this <i>one</i> thing, then everything would be perfect." But it doesn't work that way and what I should focus on is what I can control, which is my mindset and attitude.<br><br>
It just frustrates me because I feel like it is her way of claiming him as hers and hers alone. So often she responds to our requests and concerns with "BECAUSE I AM HIS MOTHER!!!" That was her favorite line during the custody battle. Woah.... She hates DP and doesn't seem to accept or respect DP as baby's father. I guess the name thing just drives that point home.<br><br>
I honor her as his mother and totally get the idea of wanting your baby to have your own name but I just wish that he could have BOTH of their names. because they are BOTH his parents.<br><br>
I guess this is turning out to be more of a vent then a question. Thanks for listening.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top