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<p>so i am fresh from a common scenario which i am frustrated about and really really need other opinions on....so we were just having dinner and dd happily ate and once she was done she got up and started spinning and dancing around the kitchen. we have a rule that we do not run around the kitchen especially when we are having a meal or i am working in the kitchen. in the next room we have a big comfy rug that is the designated area for that. so dd starts doing this and we ask her several times to stop.and she says she wants to do a performance for us and we say, ok, let us finish eating first. and once she finally (i am working with her on listening) goes to the rug and starts hula hooping and jumping rope.....she is following the rules yet, dp still seems to not be happy. He feels like she should be able to stay calm and quiet for our entire meal and should be able to have the self control to do that, she is 8, will be 9 in april and is very energetic and spirited.I feel like she was following the rule and while i wasn't thrilled that she didn't listen and kept asking and asking i was fine with her being in the designated spot because she is following the rule. I told dp this is pretty normal i feel like for kids her age and her personality and he disagree's. I haven't posted here in a while so i will remind you that dp is not dd bio dad, he has been around for 5 years. This is a common theme for us. He will feel i am allowing her to act too rambunctious and i feel like she is just being a kid and it creates friction between us. i feel like i am walking on eggshells sometimes. i am sensitive and like quiet too but i also feel like i can accept dd more than dp can sometimes. other times he is more tolerant and i need more space. certain times we disagree.  i would really appreciate helpful responses. thank you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>and now the two of them are having a great time running around the house playing good witch bad witch..........</p>
<p> </p>
<p>how can i handle the situations like in my first paragraph....it gets really hard for me to parent with/in front of him....it brings up issues in myself and this is a big issue here. we talk about it to try and help but when we get into these moments sometimes i have a very hard time with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>thx</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

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<br><br>
It would annoy me, too.<br><br>
Yes, she was following the rug rule, but she wasn't listening to you and respecting you and your dh's wishes. Frankly, it was all about her at that point, without any concern for what her mom and dad were telling her.<br><br>
You said you both told her to stop, which she didn't do until she was ready to.<br>
Then you said you told her to wait until you were done eating, which again she didn't heed.<br><br>
I personally would have ignored her.<br><br>
I can see your DH's frustration. In our family, DH and I really appreciate the time we have to talk during meals, and if our kids were running all over demanding our attention even after we'd asked them to just WAIT a bit, my fuse would be pretty short, too.
 

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<p>8 is old enough to do as your parents say or as they ask. It is also old enough to have consideration for others.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am with your husband on this one.</p>
 

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<p>Had she eaten her meal? If not, she need to sit down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>IMO, Meal time is for talking around the table not dancing and twirling. Yes, your daughter's behavior would annoy me. Meals should be relaxing and what you described is far from relaxing.  You stated the rule, which she knows, then she repeatedly ask that is very annoying. I am going to guess that you and your dh were interrupted each time she asked, and could not hold a conversation. This is rude. This does not mean that she has to sit at the table with you guys the entire meal, but not interrupt.</p>
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<p>I would employ some tactics....1. Include her in the conversation, make her an active participant in the conversations.  Sometimes this means you listen, sometimes talk. 2. Don't interrupt her, model the behavior you want. Parents often talk over their child or think their topic is more important. 3.  If she wants to do something, write it down. If she mentions it again touch the paper say I know. If she keep interrupting then let her know that is rude. Tell her we wont talk about whats on the paper until everyone is done eating.  4 If she is done eating and no longer wanting to be at the table: her expected behaviors are quite activies, reading, coloring, et in another room not interrupting. It is reasonable for a child that age to entertain herself for 30 or so while you eat.   </p>
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<p>After talking about new expected behaviors I would also ask her how she would feel if you did the same behavior, while she is dancing or talking.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have a friend with 6 kids.  They have these plastic lips they pass around the table.  Who has the lips has the turn to talk (control over the conversation). Do you need think this might help? Having something to help her participate in the conversation and control when it is her turn.    </p>
 

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<p>Had she been excused from the table?  My 6 and 4 year olds need to ask to be excused before they get up from the table.  Sometimes DH and I don't mind if they get up and go play, but other times we'd like them to sit through the whole meal with us.  Not long...like 15-20 minutes.  Not unreasonable IMO.  I can understand that your DH would expect her to sit through the meal with you.  By 8 yo, this shouldn't be difficult for her, as long as it's not like an hour.  15-20 minutes, like I said, is a reasonable amount of time.  Additionally, she should know that dancing and twirling in the kitchen is against the rules and also disrespectful to those still eating.  Maybe asking her to sit at the table with you for a few more minutes might do the trick.  Really engage her to keep her interested in dinner table conversation or even play some silly word games or something.  That could help just get her used to sitting through the whole meal.  It doesn't have to be 100% about her, but rather building up that routine of "this is how dinner goes".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If the problem is more about her not listening when you told her to move to the rug, I can appreciate your frustration.  Not listening is an ongoing challenge in our house as well.  If after the second time of asking her to move, I probably would've gotten up from the table and physically (albeit gently) walked her to the proper spot; just taking her hand and leading her...  At 8 yo she is capable of following a simple direction of being asked to move.</p>
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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1291973/differing-opinions-over-what-is-acceptable-behavior-for-my-child#post_16191573"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>8 is old enough to do as your parents say or as they ask. It is also old enough to have consideration for others.</p>
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<p>I am with your husband on this one.</p>
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<br><br><p>Agreed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A typical 8 year old is old enough to do what she's asked, and old enough to sit through a meal.</p>
 

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<p>Do you think she might be playing on the disagreement? How does she feel about dp? Does she accept him as her "dad", or does she just see him as another adult? Maybe there's something more going on, and she picks up on it?</p>
 

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From your initial description of the situation, OP, I thought your DD was 2 or 3. When I read that she was 8, I was a bit surprised. It's great that she's spirited and energetic, and I get that you want to protect and cherish those qualities. But she's also old enough to listen and do as she's told. Your rules are reasonable and age-appropriate.<br><br>
I have an 8 year old myself. Every once in a while he'll be so caught up in what he's doing that we have to repeat ourselves a few times in a stern tone of voice or reiterate that we mean business. For the most part, though, he would be more than able to do what you and your DP request.<br><br>
I think Marsupial Mom has some great advice for how to deal with this situation effectively. I also wonder, like Funami, if it's possible your DD is playing on disagreements in your relationship.
 

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<p>I am also with your dh on this.  My seven year old is expected to listen and respond appropriately.  Sometimes we just can't handle crazy behavior in our family area (kitchen, living room, etc).  If she has been excused, I would have asked her to go away from us if she needed to be crazy.  I think it was probably an attention getting behavior on your dd's part.  Maybe she felt left out of the conversation, maybe she was just plain bored.  Either way, teaching her to ask for your attention in a healthy, appropriate way will help her immensely in her life, and will likely ease tensions between you and your dh.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also, and I mean this in the most gentle way possible, in blended family situations, I think it is pretty normal for the bio parent to try to protect their children from what they perceive as unfair expectations (or even persecution, in serious situations) from the step-parent.  I would be careful to think about where your dh is coming from.  He is most likely not out to get your dd, or to get between you two.  In some situations that may be the case, but it doesn't sound like it here.  He is probably just trying to teach your dd what he sees as an important life lesson and you taking her side might just drive him nuts.  It would drive me nuts.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I also noticed that you specifically call dd "my" child in the title.  Do you see it as ok for him to be a part of the parenting?  Blended families are so tricky.  I wish you all the best.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>DariusMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1291973/differing-opinions-over-what-is-acceptable-behavior-for-my-child#post_16192095"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br>
From your initial description of the situation, OP, I thought your DD was 2 or 3.</div>
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<p>I did as well. With my just-turned-4 daughter, we frequently have to remind her that the kitchen is not a play area when we're cooking. We don't eat in there, but it would be the same. The kitchen has dangerous appliances, and there's just no room or need for jumping and dancing in there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree with your DP. If she's still eating, she should be at the table if that's your family's preference. If she's done, then she can sit quietly and talk with you guys or go do her own thing that does not involve interrupting you while you finish your meal.<br>
 </p>
 

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<p>I have to agree with the pp's.  My kitchen is really not a safe space for playing it, and my 2yo ds is very spirited and energetic, but I have been successful in teaching him not to play there.  He is allowed to play in the hallway right outside the kitchen, and he knows the boundary. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think your dh is being perfectly reasonable, and I think you may need to implement some boundaries with your dd.</p>
 

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<p>I've gotta agree with the others- spirited or not your dd is old enough to understand that she needs to listen to what adults (especially her mom!) says to do. DS is the same way, it seems. He cannot sit still for anything! For dinners he sits down and eats and then when he's done he can ask "may I be excused?". We almost always excuse him, he goes to the bathroom and washes his hands and then he's free to go play. There are days that he's too wound up and, in those cases, he needs me to physically help him move his body to where it needs to be (whether that's sitting in his chair so he can eat or moving to another room so dh and I can finish our meal).</p>
 

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<p>I'm also going to agree with the other posters. I have a 9.5 yo and an 8 yo, and I would definitely not allow that during dinner. We actually like it to be fairly quiet, with not a ton of talking at dinner, otherwise we end up sitting at the table for 2 hours because my kids are kind of slow eaters. We expect them to not be crazy at the table, which for us doesn't even approach dancing around or anything like that. When my younger daughter gets too silly I just ask her to go to her room for a couple of minutes until she calms down, this happens once every one or two months. She goes into her room for 3-5 minutes, comes out when she is done with the giggles or whatever, and we enjoy the rest of our meal together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My kids are very high-spirited and energetic, and I do love that about them, but it is not only nice for us but also, I believe, important for them to have times/ places when there is no arguing, bargaining, whining, etc. about expected behaviour. Dinner is definitely one of those times.</p>
 

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<p>Honestly, she seems like she is trying to push the limits. While I do not think she was awful, I do think she was outside of your rules. She should have done what she was asked in the beginning and not argued. Plus, it seems like it is ok for her to disrespect your DP and even you by arguing and not doing as asked until after arguing. By the time she did go to the rug, I would have given her a consequence and not allowed her to just dance there. It comes off like she was trying to stay as far away from doing what you asked as possible. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I side with your DP on this, I am sorry. </p>
 

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<p>Thing is, also, if things are like this at this age, can you even guess what 13 and 14, or 15 and 16 and 17 are going to be like? You need to get a lot more control over things with her. And your DP should have been given more respect on this. I hope that the disagreement over the parenting did not happen where she could hear or see.</p>
 

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<p>I totally thought it was a 3, 4 year old.  At 8 you should definitely have higher expectations.  At 4 my son mostly can't leave the table until we're all done  and if for some reason he is excused he has to play practically silently or go to his room.  And really, he mostly can't leave the table at all.</p>
 

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<p>We have a 3yo and a 6yo.  That scenario would have been fine (something to work on, but totally understandable) if it was my 3yo, but unacceptable from my 6yo.  We are not strict about eating/dinner time rules, and, in fact dd (6yo) pretty often will get distracted and get up from the table when she's not done.  We ask her to please sit and finish her meal.  And she does.  It sounds to me like your dd was pushing things... seeing what she could get away with.  If it was my dd I would have been pretty aggravated that I had to ask her several times, esp since this this is a well-established house rule that you know she knows - ie. she shouldn't have been spinning in the kitchen in the first place let alone ignoring your repeated requests to stop.  You guys might do well to have a family meeting.  Come up with some solid meal time rules that everyone can agree to.  I think a bare minimum of not leaving the table before she's finished, and when she's done she has a choice of sitting at the table and continuing the conversation or going off to do a quiet activity OR a less quiet activity that is NOT near enough to disturb you guys is a totally reasonable and age-appropriate rule.  Blended families are tricky, and I've never been a part of one so I wouldn't begin to presume that I should give advice, but I do think that in a case like this it's not just a case of you're the parent so you do the parenting (if indeed that's the way it works in your family) because her behaviour is actively disturbing and annoying your dp.  It does seem fair that he should have an equal say in how meal times should go at your house since he has to live through them as often as anyone else.</p>
 

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<p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mystic~mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1291973/differing-opinions-over-what-is-acceptable-behavior-for-my-child#post_16191514"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>so i am fresh from a common scenario which i am frustrated about and really really need other opinions on....so we were just having dinner and dd happily ate and once she was done she got up and started spinning and dancing around the kitchen. we have a rule that we do not run around the kitchen especially when we are having a meal or i am working in the kitchen. in the next room we have a big comfy rug that is the designated area for that. so dd starts doing this and we ask her several times to stop.and she says she wants to do a performance for us and we say, ok, let us finish eating first. and once she finally (i am working with her on listening) goes to the rug and starts hula hooping and jumping rope.....she is following the rules yet, dp still seems to not be happy. He feels like she should be able to stay calm and quiet for our entire meal and should be able to have the self control to do that, she is 8, will be 9 in april and is very energetic and spirited.I feel like she was following the rule and while i wasn't thrilled that she didn't listen and kept asking and asking i was fine with her being in the designated spot because she is following the rule. I told dp this is pretty normal i feel like for kids her age and her personality and he disagree's. I haven't posted here in a while so i will remind you that <strong>dp is not dd bio dad, he has been around for 5 years.</strong> This is a common theme for us. <strong>He will feel i am allowing her to act too rambunctious and i feel like she is just being a kid and it creates friction between us.</strong> i feel like i am walking on eggshells sometimes. i am sensitive and like quiet too but i also feel like i can accept dd more than dp can sometimes. other times he is more tolerant and i need more space. certain times we disagree.  i would really appreciate helpful responses. thank you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>and now the two of them are having a great time running around the house playing good witch bad witch..........</p>
<p> </p>
<p>how can i handle the situations like in my first paragraph....it gets really hard for me to parent with/in front of him....it brings up issues in myself and this is a big issue here. we talk about it to try and help but when we get into these moments sometimes i have a very hard time with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>thx</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
I'll just add that my dh is my kids' bio dad and he and I have the same issue, same disagreement, same friction. He thinks I don't expect enough of them, I think he doesn't understand what they're capable of developmentally. </p>
 

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<p><br>
But in the case of the OP, in general, an 8 yr old is developmentally able to do as asked or told.</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>journeymom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1291973/differing-opinions-over-what-is-acceptable-behavior-for-my-child#post_16193996"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>mystic~mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1291973/differing-opinions-over-what-is-acceptable-behavior-for-my-child#post_16191514"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>so i am fresh from a common scenario which i am frustrated about and really really need other opinions on....so we were just having dinner and dd happily ate and once she was done she got up and started spinning and dancing around the kitchen. we have a rule that we do not run around the kitchen especially when we are having a meal or i am working in the kitchen. in the next room we have a big comfy rug that is the designated area for that. so dd starts doing this and we ask her several times to stop.and she says she wants to do a performance for us and we say, ok, let us finish eating first. and once she finally (i am working with her on listening) goes to the rug and starts hula hooping and jumping rope.....she is following the rules yet, dp still seems to not be happy. He feels like she should be able to stay calm and quiet for our entire meal and should be able to have the self control to do that, she is 8, will be 9 in april and is very energetic and spirited.I feel like she was following the rule and while i wasn't thrilled that she didn't listen and kept asking and asking i was fine with her being in the designated spot because she is following the rule. I told dp this is pretty normal i feel like for kids her age and her personality and he disagree's. I haven't posted here in a while so i will remind you that <strong>dp is not dd bio dad, he has been around for 5 years.</strong> This is a common theme for us. <strong>He will feel i am allowing her to act too rambunctious and i feel like she is just being a kid and it creates friction between us.</strong> i feel like i am walking on eggshells sometimes. i am sensitive and like quiet too but i also feel like i can accept dd more than dp can sometimes. other times he is more tolerant and i need more space. certain times we disagree.  i would really appreciate helpful responses. thank you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>and now the two of them are having a great time running around the house playing good witch bad witch..........</p>
<p> </p>
<p>how can i handle the situations like in my first paragraph....it gets really hard for me to parent with/in front of him....it brings up issues in myself and this is a big issue here. we talk about it to try and help but when we get into these moments sometimes i have a very hard time with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>thx</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
I'll just add that my dh is my kids' bio dad and he and I have the same issue, same disagreement, same friction. He thinks I don't expect enough of them, I think he doesn't understand what they're capable of developmentally. </p>
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<br><br>
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
<p>well, thanks for all the replies....</p>
<p> </p>
<p>and i realize there are some things with dd and i that need addressing, i made an appt with a play therapist today............i also have felt very discouraged after reading the posts as well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>being a single mama for more than half of the time w/dd and the parents that i came from make these things especially challenging but the health and happiness of my daughter and i is worth whatever i need to heal and change to make for me peace in our lives.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>blessings</p>
 
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