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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's pretty simple: DP wants it way less than I do. As in, I would like it ideally 3-4 times a week and he seems perfectly comfortable going for weeks in between. I have noticed a disparity even since the early days of our relationship when we did have sex more often. There's plenty of affection (hugging, cuddling, non-sexual kissing, kind words) but this does not shift to sexual activity (at least not in his mind). In every other way, our relationship is excellent and committed. We have talked about the issue openly many, many times, to the point where I am skeptical of talking doing anything helpful and our open communication has shifted to me making bitter little comments every time he remotely refers to anything sexual. I don't want to be like that. It's like the comments just come out before I notice. I AM bitter that he seems to want sex with me so much less than I want sex with him, and I don't know what to do about it.
How do you deal with it when your partner has a much lower sex drive than you?
 

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My Dh refuses to go to the Dr. and get bloodwork done (could be caused by a hormone imbalance). I haven´t found any other solution. Losing weight could help in his case but again he in´t interested. Basically, he thinks it is a non-issue. So, I sleep in another bed and ¨self-serve¨.
 

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I've been married over 12 years and this has always been an issue for us as well. When we are intimate it's fantastic, it's just not frequent enough for me. It's only really started to bother me in the last couple of years and we did see a counselor about it (as well as other things), but basically I've been told I just need to live with it. I'm not too happy about that at this point and am trying to figure out what, if any, options I have. I certainly don't want to break up our family over sex! However, although my husband doesn't want to have sex with me more than once or twice a month, he has told me that he would divorce me instantly if I went outside the relationship for something physical. Somehow I feel that's unfair, but I can't quite put my finger on what's wrong with it.


I don't want to jeopardize our family, though, so ultimately I'll probably just continue as I am and "self serve," as the PP said.
 

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have the exact same issue, I want it way more than dh does. When we first were together, we were like rabbits, it was great
But almost a year ago my dh lost his sex drive
We're both in couples counseling and individual counseling to deal with this. It seems like he's working at a snails pace though
I'm getting to the point where I think: how long do you give someone to fix their problem before you say enough is enough?


I'm sorry that we're all going through this
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Wow,
everybody. I didn't realize this was such a common thing.
Lavieenrose, I feel you about not wanting to break up your family for sex. I just found out a month ago that I'm pregnant and that's what motivated me to actually post about this. Sex has always been THE issue in our relationship and I'm a bit afraid that my pregnancy will give DP an excuse to want it even less. And now more than ever I want to be with DP, because I want to have a family with him, he's my best friend and I think he would be a great dad. But I don't want to show my child an example of a relationship where one side is sexually rather numb and the other side is bitter and catty. Do you think your issues with your DPs have affected the impression your kids have of how relationships are? I know it was always obvious to me that my parents were passionately into each other and that felt good to me. When they later had marital problems that was devastating for me and my siblings to watch, even though they tried to hide it.
So basically I guess it's about me being able to suck it up and just deal with it, without being snappy or bitter... Which is going to be hard, because having to "self serve" when I am in a loving relationship feels like such a rip off.
Could it be hormonal? We're both pretty young (20s), but DP has drunk a lot in the past and I don't know if that could still be having an effect.
Has couples counseling helped anybody?
 

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My kid is still pretty young, so I'm not sure if the relationship difficulties are evident yet. But my child knows when I'm not happy, and when I'm being rejected 9 times out of 10, I'm not happy. I've also struggled with feeling attractive, which my husband insists is my own self-esteem issue and not dependent on him at all. I have to respectfully disagree with him, though, because I can be having a really good day, feeling like I'm really cute and good-looking, and have all that go away in an instant because I was foolish enough to approach him for sex and be turned down. He's a good man, a wonderful father, and he tells me all the time that he loves me. He's just not interested in showing he does in the way that means so much to me. How does one figure this out? I do think it could be hormonal - there is a large age difference between my husband and I (over 10 years), and I think my sex drive is picking up just as his is slowing down even more. Maybe if your partner is willing to get this checked out it would help?

Oh, and we did go to counseling but after a short period of improvement things went back to the way they'd always been. I think he changed at that time to keep me because I was threatening to leave.
 

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There is so much that has been written here that I read and just say ¨yes, yes, yes¨. We have an age gap too (10 years). Yes, I have self-esteem issues. My DH also blamed it once on my poor housekeeping so I forced myself to be better but it didn´t change our sex life which only made me feel worst. So, my housekeeping is *really* bad but when I start to feel like even more crap at least I can blame it on the house and not myself.

Some of it I think just is- people are different, ya know? But a large component of libido can be affected by other things too. My friend and nurse practitioner gave me some examples: his testosterone could be on the low side side and taking a supplement could help, he could be clinically depressed will the only symptom being decreased libido(which is technically low something levels in the brain, seratonin?) and taking a low dose anti-depressant could help. Those are the two I´m remembering right now. Nutrition could also be an issue as could excess weight. Unfortunately, my DH can´t/won´t admit that there is a problem so therefore there is no need to investigate a solution.

Yes, it affects my kids to have a b*tchy mama (sorry, but that´s the truth and I do my best to temper it). It´s also negatively affecting them because my emotional issues with the situation prevent me from creating a proper home for them. I do give them 100% of what I have. My DH is a good Dad. It could be better but it could also be worst.

If I could get my DH back to the Dr´s office I know it´s been written in his chart for them to run bloodwork on him. I know that it is sneeky but I want a full an complete relationship with my husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lavieenrose View Post
when I'm being rejected 9 times out of 10, I'm not happy. I've also struggled with feeling attractive, which my husband insists is my own self-esteem issue and not dependent on him at all. I have to respectfully disagree with him, though, because I can be having a really good day, feeling like I'm really cute and good-looking, and have all that go away in an instant because I was foolish enough to approach him for sex and be turned down. He's a good man, a wonderful father, and he tells me all the time that he loves me. He's just not interested in showing he does in the way that means so much to me.
This. Oh my goodness, nothing like sexual rejection to kill your self-confidence. I am waaaay more inhibited sexually now, after years of feeling unwanted sexually, than I was in the beginning of our relationship. Which leads to unsatisfying sex. Which leads to more awkwardness. It's such a vicious cycle.
And it's made all the more difficult because I know he loves me, and he shows it - just not in that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kabes View Post
Some of it I think just is- people are different, ya know?

...

If I could get my DH back to the Dr´s office I know it´s been written in his chart for them to run bloodwork on him. I know that it is sneeky but I want a full an complete relationship with my husband.
This is what I've been thinking for a long time now. I know some women don't want to have sex that often, why not some men too? You just don't hear about men having lower libidos because culturally they're supposed to be horny beasts at the beck and call of their hormones. Which makes it all the more... hurtful? when they aren't for you I suppose. But it could be a perfectly natural thing for some people to just not be that into sex.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to sneakily see that he gets bloodwork done. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have a complete relationship with your husband! And if it's a hormonal thing then there could be a solution.
I feel like I am (or at least used to be
) the randy girlfriend of many guy's dreams, but it's going to waste on this guy with no libido. Why does he not seem to care about the sexual part of our relationship? Isn't that a huge part of a healthy marriage (ok we're not married but common law)?
I can totally see that our kid will pick it up when I get depressed and frustrated with dp's lack of passion. Kids can feel that kind of thing even if they don't know what's going on. Sigh. I just wish I knew what to do to work through this... I don't think self-service for the rest of my life is an option. I mean, is this just the issue we are going to work with in our relationship? I do understand that long-term relationships are work, and I'm willing to do that. I want to raise our child together and not be the frustrated passive-aggressive mother figure. I'm just pretty much at my wit's end.
 

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So good to read this. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in the world in this situation, so it's nice to know we're not alone. My sex drive has always been higher than my dhs, but since getting pregnant I can barely get him to touch me. Since about 22 weeks I've been resigned to nothing until after the baby is here.

I try really hard not to let it affect my happiness but I know what you mean about your self esteem taking a beating too. Society has taught us that men always want sex and it's hard to accept that that isn't always the case.

I'll be interested to see how others come to terms with this issue in their relationships.
 

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Yep, DX never wanted to DTD, after years of being rejected and having hurt feelings I finally just stopped trying. I always thought it was because I was fat but after losing 125 lbs I was proved wrong. It's one of the many reasons why he's my ex. When we separated the first time I made him agree that we would DTD at least 2 times per week. Things were great the first couple of weeks after we got back together but it quickly went back to the way things were. Weeks would go by before he would want to do anything with me.

My DP and I usually DTD once a day, sometimes 2 or 3
: That makes me very happy because I have a very high drive and makes him happy too that he doesn't have to beg for it like he had with his old partners. It does make it easier that we only have the kids part time.
 

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for 13 years I lived with this....now we are separated and divorcing. that's how i dealt with it. I kicked around an open marriage, but after a few relationships, I realized I just wasn't attracted to him anymore, probably from years of being turned away or left unsatisfied. There were other issues as well, like a lack of drive in alot of areas...but whatcha gunna do? Its my life too, I only got one, I gotta ensure the most people have the most happiness.

He found a new woman who is more compatible, the kids are happy to have a bigger family....lol. I found some fun, adorable men who appreciate all those tricks I learned while trying to improve the marriage. its a win-win-win situation
 

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Difference in sex drive is one of the reasons I divorced my husband as well. He was ok with 1-2x a month. I'm more like a 1-2x a day person. Don't undermine sex. It'll eat away at you over the years. You need to work something out or you may end up leaving entirely.
 

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This is one of our major issues and I have been very seriously considering divorce. We've only had sex two times since November, and I didn't even O either time. It's pretty bad. i have been really depressed and have been seeing a therapist for a while and I am beginning to feel that the lack of affection and intimacy is adding to my depression conserably. I just don't see how it could get better....
 

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Although this is a tough topic, it is reassuring to hear from so many other women who are dealing with it! In our situation, it is my DH's anxiety, work stress, and I suspect OCD (doesn't like the 'messiness') that is playing into the whole issue. He also has a lot of body issues and I suspect low testosterone. It can be so hard and really does eat away at us. I can see how over the years it is starting to wear me down. But whenever I bring it up it just makes him feel worse about himself and then we start to spiral down again.

The one thing that has worked for me has been having a baby. Luckily (I guess
) my libido didn't pick up in pregnancy like it does for some women. It actually stayed pretty low. And it just hasn't really come back to the same level that it was pre-babe. Kind of sad, but at least we are more on the same level now... almost. It doesn't help at all that we don't share a bed (since he has insomnia and can't co-sleep I sleep in dd room with her) and we have opposite schedules (we works/stays up all night). At least in the past there was the chance we would be in the same physical space and something "might" happen. Now, it really won't ever happen unless we really make a point of it... and we don't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Sigh. Combined with my pregnancy brain this is pretty depressing. I want to believe there's a solution, but...
Anyway it's really therapeutic to hear that others are in the same situation.
ladies.
MamaRuga, your suspicions about the root of your guy's issues sounds very similar to what I have observed about mine. For some reason sex just takes a back seat to everything else (like stress for example). And bringing it up does make it worse. But I get so angry at him for not caring that I end up being cold and distant anyway

I have also been wondering (hoping?) that when I have the baby I'll be so tired and preoccupied anyway that I won't want sex. But I suspect that's not going to actually help the situation, just help avoid it.
It just makes me so sad that this person with whom I want to share the most intimate moments of my life doesn't seem to have the same priorities, or idea of intimacy, or need for it, or something. I feel like we're missing out on a lot of connection because he's so hung up about sex. Which over the years has made me more hung up about it too
:
 

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me too
The serious lack of affection (and not even just sex) I perceive coming my way has my self esteem in the toilet the last (more than) few months.

Last night dp came home from the bar at almost 1am, after he told me he was going out for "a couple of beers" with a friend. He really does almost never go out, so that is not an issue.. He was drunk though, and I don't want him driving drunk.. that's a different issue though..

so he comes home, says (rather flatly) "hi" to me, and walks over and starts talking to and cuddling his dog on the floor. no hug for me or anything.. his dog gets more spontaneous displays of affection than I do. and if I sound jealous, well, I guess i am, that hurts you know? I am 6 months pregnant with our baby. I threw a fit and started crying, (my emotions are feeling out of whack again) because I feel like he just doesn't give a rats a$$ about my feelings.. I went to lay down in the bedroom, where I usually sleep alone, til last week when I moved the TV in there so he would sleep with me, even though I really don't like TV..

I heard him talking to himself in the living room so I went back out... I am still upset because I feel like spending time with me just isnt important to him, and he is pissed at me because he perceives that I am giving him a hard time for going out. He finally tells me that some girl was hitting on him all night - this was supposed to be a funny story I guess - and he had to keep telling her that he has a girlfriend and we are having a kid.. He said something to the effect that instead of being proud of him for saying that (I know he was drunk when he said this, but really? proud?
) I was just giving him shit for going out..

he is seemingly passing out on the couch after telling me this so I go back into the bedroom. then I hear him say something like "at least it was nice feeling like someone is attracted to me"

WHAT!?!


I stopped initiating intimacy a few months ago because I was tired and hurting from being rejected repeatedly. (he denies this, btw) and when I stopped I told him what I was doing, that if he wanted to be close to me, please let me know. I have NEVER rejected him or turned him down, not once.. and he goes and says something like that... yeah, it must be nice knowing someone is attracted to you, I haven't felt that way since I got pregnant in November. I am hurting so bad right now... If I feel this way still when the baby is due I am not sure I'll even want him to be at the birth.

sorry for the vent. I wanted to post a short reply but more spilled out than I intended.. I guess our problems are more than just sex, but that's a big part of it too.. I am not sure if we'll make it.

:
 

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ufogirl, I'm so sorry.
Have you guys been to counseling at all? It did not increase my husband's sex drive (which is why I posted in this thread, of course!) but it did help us to communicate better about many other things. Maybe it would help?
 
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