[BabyOsMommy]

I'm posting this here because it has more to do with how dh and I raise our kids than what kind of spirituality... (I'll need help there also, but from a different point of view). I can't believe we're at this point again. Only in reverse.

So I joined dh's strict Orthodox Reformed Church mostly to keep his very traditional and devoted family happy. I had Christian beliefs, but wasn't happy in the church. As time went on I came to realize that I couldn't continue in that church because it was affecting my Christianity in a negative way. So dh and I started a dialogue about our beliefs and what we wanted. We switched to a Reformed Church, which is only slightly more liberal than the Orthodox one, but neither of us are happy, and I started to become more angry and resentful with each visit. It all comes down to us staying in order to keep the peace in his family. When they find out we're leaving the church, well quite frankly all hell will break loose. We're talking serious fundamental Christians.

The issue right now though is he just proclaimed to me last night that he's an athiest. I was only struggling to comprehend the crap that happens in those specific churches and he proclaims he's an athiest?

I'm reeling. He's knocked me entirely on my behind and we're left trying to figure out how to raise our kids. I thought we had a lot of this figured out before we had kids. That eventually we'd leave those churches in search of one that made us feel whole. Now we're left disagreeing on what to tell our kids, and my whole faith has been shaken to its core. I think that we've agreed to give them the whole picture as they grow (his science books, my belief in God) and let them decide for themselves. I have an issue with organized religion right now anyways.

But I'm looking at my dh differently. Like somehow I failed because he didn't talk to me about this sooner (apparently he's felt this way for years but because I wanted to keep trying to go to church he kept coming with me - I suspected there was something wrong, but he said he didn't want to take my faith away from me in any way). Now that our oldest is starting to ask questions he felt the need to come clean (I had to ask him though) because he doesn't want to lie to his kids. His family is one thing, but his kids is another. At least we agree that our kids come first. I think he'd let me raise them Christian and pretend if that's what I wanted to do. But now I left questioning my own beliefs (which I was doing anyhow, but not to this degree), and I don't want him to live a life he doesn't believe in.

Bottom line is that I love him fiercely no matter what. But I'm feeling betrayed because I bought into his family's church, professed my faith there and have been trying and failing to live up to their expectations for 6years. And the whole time he didn't even believe what I was beating myself up trying to achieve. And I was doing it so that I didn't rock the boat in his family only because I thought it's what he wanted, not because I cared about what his family believed. I'm left wondering what else he hasn't told me, if he's even still in love with me. If he could lie about this, then what else don't I know? He says nothing and I'm trying to believe him, but the trust that no matter what we at least come clean with each other has been broken in a big way. I need to get that back somehow.

Last night was mostly spent trying to develop a plan on telling his family we're leaving the church, period, and how we're going to deal with the aftermath. At least we agree that we don't want to go to church (him forever and me for a while). We'll work out the rest piece by piece.

I just feel raw this morning. Can anyone point me towards resources for couples who have different faiths? Offer up your own experiences and how, if, you got through it?

 

[Music-mommy]

I can kind of relate. My dh grew up catholic, but doesn't practice and doesn't believe any of it. He I suppose is atheist too. We never talk much about religion. I, don't believe in the institution of the church at all, but I have quite a strong belief system, I suppose you could call it spirituality. Just my set of beliefs on life in general, like I believe in reincarnation, I don't believe in God as one (Male) entity etc....

To me it's not important what religion one is, or if one believes in god, what is important is the fundamental beliefs of a person, do they believe in being kind to other people, to be a good person, caring, loving.... everyone, religious or not has a set of values, and that's what is important to me.

And so, the way I plan on dealing with religion with my children is to teach all religious beliefs to them, and explain to them that there are so many different religions and in my belief they all have positives and negatives. To let dh tell them what he believes and I will tell them what I believe, and they will one day decide what they believe.

To me what is important is to teaching humanity. What I mean is that much of religion has to do with teaching humanity, be kind to thy neighbours etc... but you can do this outside of a religious context.

Anyhow, that's how I want to deal with it. I don't know if this will help you at all. My personal belief is that if you teach them christianity as well as other faiths and they end up being christian then they are making an informed choice. I'm not saying don't teach them christianity, I think it's really important to teach your children what you believe and why.

I would think that even if your dh is atheist, that many of the christian values are still there.

 

[EFmom]

I'm glad that you are deciding together to treat your spirituality as your own, and not pretend something for the sake of his parents. They get to decide their own religious beliefs--they don't get to decide yours.

It sounds to me like your husband was acting from fear all those years when he was attending a church he didn't believe in. Fear of his parents (and it sounds like this is a biggie for him), maybe fear of "contaminating" you or hurting you with his disbelief, fear of the unknown, fear of not having answers for your kids. You may have discussed this before you had kids, but for many people discovering what they do believe is a journey, and people change along the way. He may have felt like he didn't keep up his end of the "bargain" when his spiritual beliefs changed, and he might have been scared of the fall-out. There are many churches that actually encourage divorce if one partner stops believing, for goodness sake.

I hope that you can move beyond what has happened in the past. My dh and I have changed our faith affiliations several times over the course of our 24 year marriage. We don't believe exactly the same things, but we've done enough church shopping to find places to worship where we are both comfortable. We currently attend a UU congregation, and we have some couples there where one partner is an atheist or where people are just exploring their spirituality and it seems to work for them.

Best of luck in your journey.