[Vancouver Mommy]

OK, so my 3.5 yo has asked how babies get out of vaginas. Let me tell you, that was a cake walk compared to her next big one. Yesterday she asked me "When will my life end?". I didn't even think she had any sense or understanding of mortality until last week she was playing with a 5 yo at the park who wanted to play mommy and baby game - except the mommy dies! Crap. I just don't know how to address these questions. We aren't religious. I don't know how to be honest with her without freaking her out. I said it wouldn't end for a very, very long time. This evening she asked again. Then she looked like she was about to cry and said she didn't want her life to end. It broke my heart! I told her that her life was just beginning and that seemed to give her some peace, but I feel like this is likely to come up again. I just want her to be a baby forever, but I know it's my job to help her grow up. How do I deal with this?

 

[lisalulu]

:

I don't have any advice because we are in the same boat. DS1 is in a phase of talking about dying and it breaks my heart because he gets so upset. He got really upset when he found out the dog would eventually die. And for about a week he was also worried about going to college-we'd told him that one day he would go to college and move out of the house thinking that it was no big deal. Bad idea! He would keep bringing it up, would start crying and saying that he didn't ever want to live apart from us

 

[Mymble]

You should check out one of Dale McGowan's books for secular families -- both have really in-depth chapters on death. I prefer the newer book, but got both from the library. And actually, the first book might be better on the death issue.

He's not going to help you with the vagina thing, though, lol. When DD pressed me on that one and I gave her the best explanation I could, she looked down at herself, looked back up at me and was like "WHOAH!!! No way am I watching that when I have my baby!"

 

[Cujobunny]

For the vagina question, there is a great book called "It's Not the Stork" by Robie Harris. It's aimed at ages 4+ and is scientific and matter of fact and entertaining. My ds LOVED it, we got it from the library and will again.

 

[Breeder]

With the death question, we used "The Life and Death of Freddy the Leaf".

It sucks.

The vagina question we didn't have much of an issue with, we just told him in very basic language about the muscles and what not.

Good luck

 

[carfreemama]

We look for dead things.

I don't know where I got the idea for this, but looking it square in the face has helped so very much. I read it in an article, how the dad didn't ever want to use eupamisms like "going to sleep" or whatever, for obvious reasons. So when he found a dead bumblebee on the grass, he picked it up and showed it to his daughter. He said something like "See? it's dead. It can't move its arms and legs and it can't breathe." That sort of thing. So I've done exactly the same thing with dd. Then I took her to the composter and we looked at how things decompose and go back into the ground. We talk about it over and over. We even saw a dead cat on the sidewalk and I tried to stifle my sickened reaction and yes, we went over to look at it. For us, it's a "cycle of life" thing. And we acknowledge what Breeder said in pretty much those words, "it sucks." I didn't have much luck with dd about the "it won't happen for a long time" thing. Then she just wanted to know WHEN. And really, she kept insisting she didn't want it to happen EVER.

I do tentatively go to church and I would love to give her a little faith in, well, faith; but I'll never subscribe to just one religion, so I haven't figured out how to give a spiritual dimension to it that feels authentic yet.

But beating the topic to....death....seems to really be helping around here.

Oh, and I'm not above slipping in that we eat healthy foods and exercise so we can have the best chance at living a long, long time. That might be a really bad idea, though.

I wish dd could stay little, too!

 

[Vancouver Mommy]

Thanks for the replies. I really fear the moment she realizes that everything dies and then puts two and two together and realizes that Mommy and Daddy are included.

 

[Still_Learning]

I was afraid DS would freak when he realized Mom and Dad were included in the whole death thing, but by the time he realized he was past being freaked out. He actually makes jokes about it if you can believe that. He was really upset about the idea of him dying about a year ago...would tear up and whimper. Now at 4.5 he doesn't talk about it any more.

 

[carfreemama]

Unfortunately, that realization that it's also mommy and dadddy who died, DID come quickly on the heels of that first real awareness of death. All I feel I can do is just keep the dialogue going and not pretend I have any answers, which I don't. It's this topic that sometimes makes me wish I COULD say something reassuring about going to Heaven after we die, or something. I don't really believe death is THE END, but I don't have anything firmer than that to offer her. At 5 yo, dd still will (seemingly randomly) say again that she wishes I/she/daddy would never die. This morning, she asked me if I would still be alive when she grew up. Fortunately, at 41 years old myself I was able to point out to her that MY mother is still alive at 87! I have absolutely no idea how to soften this for dd, so I don't try to anymore. Over the past few years, she does seem less freaked out and more matter-of-fact about death; but she really highlights the primal fear of the subject that most people have. She forces ME to deal with it and admit my own discomfort and uncertainty. Actually, she does that with a lot of things.

 

[meemee]

initially they are just trying to wrap their brains around what is death and does it happen to everybody.

then as they grow older they finally get the finality of death. this does not happen immediately.

all our children are asking for is to have their curiosity fulfilled. and support as they try to figure out their feelings around it. it helped my dd when i told her yes i could die anything but i hope i dont die for a v. long time.

when she first started asking at 3 i actually did something that she didnt ask for. otherwise i only answered her question without reading anything more into her question. i asked her if her dad or i died who would she like to live with. or even if just i died. and she chose a friend of mine. that gave her some reassurances.

she went thru the i dont want gpa to die, you to die... but really out there all she wanted was support as she figured it out for herself.

i have replied to my dd's question with nothing but honesty. no question has been taboo. even when she asked what happened after death i told her i have no idea but many religions and people think this and then told her the various views. when she asked me waht happens to the body i told her what we do here and then what other cultures do including the tibetians. she was curious. she needed to know. i remember shocking a family in the public transport because at 4 1/2 we talked about my death and what i wanted to happen to me and what my dd wanted to happen to me.

its one of the things you go with the flow. when you support them in their sadness/greiving you help them see that its ok to be sad and that it aint gonna happen soon. you help them see it. rather than tell them the answer.

 

[aprons_and_acorns]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy Thanks for the replies. I really fear the moment she realizes that everything dies and then puts two and two together and realizes that Mommy and Daddy are included.

My son just put all this together within the last couple of weeks. At age four, I think it helped him a lot when I talked about a plan for what to expect in the very, very, very, very rare chance that mom and dad DID die soon. I explained to him that DH and I are very healthy, we eat right and exercise and people in our family tend to live for a long, long time. I told him we buckle our seatbelts and follow safety rules. BUT, since we love him so very much, we also bought something called a "life insurance policy" which means that if we did die, he would have lots and lots of money to buy anything he needed. And that Uncle Sam would drive him down to Madison and all the grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles would go to Madison and help him. And he would live with his aunt and uncle and cousin until he was a grown-up. And he could keep his cat. It REALLY calmed his anxiety to have a practical plan like that, and in a way I think it was the crux of what was making him worried about us dying.

 

[Hokulele]

:

DD is the same age and has just started to talk about things dying. I know it is only a matter of time before she starts making connections with that idea.

 

[Hokulele]

I just came across this article on explaining death to kids:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotion...ngs/death.html

I don't think there's a whole lot there because it doesn't seem to tackle the issue of a child who is worried about her own death. But I did like this part:

"Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system."

Which would be especially helpful for me to know since we aren't religious either, yet it seems that describing God and heaven would be an easy(er) path to take, even though I know I don't want to do that.

So that quote has me thinking. In your situation I might ask DD why she didn't want her life to end so I could pinpoint exactly what she was worried about and then tackle that specific concern. That way you avoid bringing in issues she's not ready for.

And maybe that would lead to discussions on how people can choose where they'd like to be buried/scattered etc (obviously not in such specific terms, but I know for DD the concern about WHERE she'd be might be a big one so maybe telling her she can choose where she'd be would help).

HTH

 

[meemee]

one more thing.

if you ever have the opportunity of a dying relative dont keep your kids away from them. it is the best experience for both your child and the patient. my dd did hospital visits with a v. sick friend when she was 4. between 5 and 6 she was also a caregiver with her gparents both in hospice at home. she was holding their hands when they passed. she helped wash and dress them one last time, wrote them goodbye notes and held their hand while the elders got busy while waiting for the crematorium van to arrive and sang and played an active role in their memorial service. it is one of the best experiences of my dd's life. she developed a side to her - would i call it maturity - that hadnt existed before.

but also she grew up hearing about my dad and bro who were gone before she was born. so she really wasnt 'new' to the concept of death. her interest happened when our cat miscarried with just drops of blood without babies adn she was trying to figure out what happened to the babies.