[flight]

Warning: this is related to sexual harassment/abuse.

I never thought I would have to deal with it from this side. I got a call today from DS's teacher to tell me that DS (age 8) apparently aggressively touched a girl's private parts during some kind of multi-kid tag-style game. DS denies it, and says that he fell on her and it was an accident. According to the teacher, the little girl is fine.

I asked him about this (after taking a few moments to calm down). He was visibly upset and did not offer many details. When pressed, he stuck to his story that he did not intend to touch the little girl there. Not sure if he was upset because he knew he was getting in trouble, or because he felt bad about being caught, or what.

Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to get anywhere by trying to force some kind of confession out of him - bottom line is somebody got touched in an inappropriate spot and that cannot happen again. I asked him how this could be prevented in the future and he said "don't play that game anymore." I agreed and also suggested being careful in any contact sports.

Then, after dinner and we'd let the topic rest for awhile, we read a few sections of "It's So Amazing" - mainly the parts about anatomy, about sex, and about good touches & bad touches. That seemed to go ok. I emphasized that while it's perfectly normal to be curious about your own body or other people's bodies, it is not ok for kids to investigate that on their own - that he should ask me or Daddy or another grownup he trusts if he has any curiosity about bodies or sex. I also said (while reading the bad touch/sexual abuse part) "Do you see why the incident today at school is so serious?" He said yes. I elaborated a bit that it is always serious when somebody's privates get touched if they didn't want them touched - accidentally or on purpose.

Is there anything else I need to do or should have done? I imagine anyone reading this will have questions about whether he acts out sexually any other way, or whether it's possible he's been abused himself etc. To my knowledge he has not done anything else sexually inappropriate. I think he has some curiosity about sexuality but nothing that rings alarm bells. There is also nothing to make me suspect he has been exposed to abuse.

I think he's just a normal kid, but this has got me SUPER WORRIED. Somehow I have managed to stay generally rational this evening, talking to him, but how on earth do I go forward with this?

 

[XanaduMama]

Wow, mama. It sounds like you handled it amazingly well! He's lucky to have such a thoughtful and grounded mom there to help him through stuff like that.

I don't have any thoughts about the situation, but for my part I think you did great.

 

[eepster]

Is there a reason that you don't believe your DS's version of the story? Why don't you think it really was just an accident?

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eepster Is there a reason that you don't believe your DS's version of the story? Why don't you think it really was just an accident?

I agree. I'd believe him.

I have a 7 yr old that is very curious about the human body right now. I get all kinds of strange questions from her.

I think you handled the situation very well. Your child needs to know that it is not okay to touch others like that.

 

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

I also would believe my own son. Sometimes private parts get touched accidentally in contact sports of any kind (my boobs kind of stick out, more than once they've been 'groped' accidentally--by adults, lol). The little girl might have been taught that it was very bad to ever be touched there (not differentiating accident from on purpose), and overreacted. I don't think you did anything too wrong, but I am honestly surprised that you didn't believe your son. Anyway, just let it go now.

 

[mistymama]

I think your talk was fine, but I agree with everyone else - I would believe him. It's very possible that he did fall and accidentially touch a private area (and that would explain the "aggressive" description too).

I would let it go, I think your talk was fine.

 

[flight]

Well, there were witnesses - a bunch of kids were playing together. They were playing a game they called "War," which DS refused to describe to me except to say it was like tag. FTR I don't approve of this, but that's a different subject completely. The teacher tells me that witnesses report DS shouted "I'm going to kill you" and agressively put his hand there.

It's possible he fell on her as he was pretending to shoot her. But basically someone is not telling the whole truth here, and DS was not exactly forthcoming last night.

I feel sick about this. It kept me awake last night wondering how to go forward with this, wondering how to talk with him about this as he gets older and becomes actively interested in sex, and having disturbing half-dreams about getting irate phone calls from the girl's father and him wanting to take us to court.

 

[AquariusHome]

Mama! You are in a very difficult situation. Certainly not one any parent wants to find ourselves dealing with. It sounds to me like you handled things very well regardless of who is telling the truth (which may actually lie somewhere in the middle). You wanted to convey to your DS what is and is not appropriate - which you did with your talk. But you didn't over-react and create an environment where your DS is reluctant to come to you with issues like these.

I think, going forward, the best thing you can do is keep your eyes open and keep communicating with your son.

 

[eepster]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flight Well, there were witnesses - a bunch of kids were playing together. They were playing a game they called "War," which DS refused to describe to me except to say it was like tag. FTR I don't approve of this, but that's a different subject completely. The teacher tells me that witnesses report DS shouted "I'm going to kill you" and agressively put his hand there. It's possible he fell on her as he was pretending to shoot her. But basically someone is not telling the whole truth here, and DS was not exactly forthcoming last night.

Off hand, I would guess that your DS is acting guilty, b/c he wasn't playing in a gentle manner and he knows that is upsetting to you, and that he did "attack" her as part of the game. That doesn't mean that his intent and motivation were at all sexual.