[eksmom]

I have been doing searches and trying to figure out where to post this... hope this is an OK place.

DD is 20 mos. and eats well at breakfast and lunch but dinner is sometimes another story. We start out with a plate of what we're having unless we know she doesn't like any of it (i.e. she has always disliked green beans, and she always spits meat out because of texture and not having any molars). She more or less feeds herself but with assistance from me. If she barely eats anything, I will usually offer her something I know she likes, such as applesauce or yogurt. I think I am pretty good about not cajoling her into eating, forcing her, etc. but I do like to make sure that she is offered something she likes. She does not yet seem to understand that she can tell us when she is hungry, so I feel like it is my responsibility to make sure her needs are met.

Now, we do dessert in our house, as I think all things are fine in moderation. A lot of nights we all have some ice cream after dinner. However, I am stumped about what to do on those nights that DD barely eats anything. Sometimes, she still requests ice cream. My instinct is that since she didn't eat a lot of dinner, she shouldn't have ice cream, thus making ice cream the majority of her dinner. But I don't want to set her up to think that dinner is just this yucky thing you get through so you can be rewarded with ice cream (something I kind of still struggle with to this day). I have never told her during dinner, "Eat your dinner so you can have ice cream." But I have told her after a particularly picky meal that I didn't think she had eaten enough of her dinner to have ice cream.

What's the best way to handle this situation, other than all of us giving up ice cream all together? :LOL Weight problems and emotional eating are a hallmark of my family, and I really want to give DD a healthy attitude about food from the start so she doesn't have to relearn it later like I have.

 

[maya44]

I would give her the same portion of ice cream I would give if she had eaten dinner. If she is still hungry after, offer the dinner choices.

 

[P-chan]

I agree--it will help keep any emotional or power struggle baggage out of the concept of dessert.

At our house, we have fruit together as a family after dinner. Especially when my little guy doesn't eat what I would consider to be a full dinner, I'm glad that he'll scarf down some fruit. On occasion he'll get some special dessert, but in general the good stuff comes out after the boy is in bed.

 

[eksmom]

What you're saying makes a lot of sense, but I guess I am afraid she'll learn to just request the ice cream and it will become a nightly habit to forgo dinner for ice cream. Do you think this would happen?

 

[TiredX2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eksmom What you're saying makes a lot of sense, but I guess I am afraid she'll learn to just request the ice cream and it will become a nightly habit to forgo dinner for ice cream. Do you think this would happen?

Well, if you give her the same amount no matter what, she might end up eating dinner after dessert, but I don't think she would simply not eat dinner to get to dessert and then stay hungry.

 

[maya44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TiredX2 Well, if you give her the same amount no matter what, she might end up eating dinner after dessert, but I don't think she would simply not eat dinner to get to dessert and then stay hungry.

.

Exactly, as long as its a normal moderate portion, she is prob going to be hungry unless she eats something else. And if it becomes a big problem why not make fruit a dessert a few night a week.

We do fruit a few nights a weeks and serve it with whipped cream and tiny, tiny bowls of melted dark chocolate. The kids feel like they are getting a "real" dessert, not "just fruit' and they eat a TON of it.

 

[wende]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maya44 . Exactly, as long as its a normal moderate portion, she is prob going to be hungry unless she eats something else. And if it becomes a big problem why not make fruit a dessert a few night a week. We do fruit a few nights a weeks and serve it with whipped cream and tiny, tiny bowls of melted dark chocolate. The kids feel like they are getting a "real" dessert, not "just fruit' and they eat a TON of it.

that

We are an on and off dessert family, but if we get some, so does our 24mo. He's not quite able to understand the concept of dessert after dinner and I don't push it. If he's still hungry after dinner and dessert he can have some more dinner or something else healthy. All of my kids LOVE fruit with whipped cream and/or chocolate for dessert.

 

[4evermom]

My experience with my ds is that if I let him eat as much ice cream as he wants at any point he requests it during the day, he will only eat a lot the first day. The second day, he'll ask for it but not eat all of it. The third day, he might ask for it, but probably won't eat it. If he asks for a desserty item before dinner and I give it to him, he'll eat dinner afterwards. I don't limit any foods in the house and it is working nicely for us.

 

[Willowrose]

I agree with giving the same portion of ice cream. I don't like to use food to enforce good behavior. Dessert is just one of the many things that our family does daily. It has never become a power struggle. My kids are both very good eaters. I would also try the fruit. We do alot of fruit desserts, though we do a lot of ice cream as well. My boys would probably take fruit over ice cream. They love it. You can do a yogurt or chocolate dipping sauce to make it enticing if she doesn't autimatically take to it. Kids this age love dipping things, so it would probably be a big hit!

 

[UUMom]

We've never done dessert, although we do everything in 'moderation;. We just don't do dessert.

I;ve been known to put all food served on the plate, including cookies and let the child eat it in whatever order. A small serving of anything shouldn't really affect the appetite. When we make sweets, we eat them up. I don't limit them, except they are not a daily thing. If we've made cookies or something, I let them have them whenever. Even while I am making dinner. Like an apetizer. A bit of something sweet actually stimulates the appetite. I'd put what ever it is right on the table, too. Of course, like I said, we don't have endless quantities of anything, so anything that's served is fine with me. i don't buy or make food that makes me uncomfortable.

: When they eat it makes no difference to me.

If i did not want my child to have ice cream each night, i would not buy it. Ice cream, to me, is a summetime treat that's great fun when it's wonderful ice cream from a creamery, eaten slowly while one swats away the 'skeets.

:

 

[eksmom]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. We have been living with my parents for the last 7-8 months and unfortunately I haven't had as much control over some things as I would in my own home. We've got one month until we close on our new house and then I will probably be thinking long and hard about what foods we keep on hand and how we handle mealtimes, snacks, desserts, etc. I know I want to make some changes, and while I understand nutrition, I don't have as good a grip on the psychology of kids and food.

For example, I think it's a cool idea to just put everything on the plate, dessert item and all, and let her eat it in whatever order she chooses. My mom would NOT understand this and since I kind of have to pick my battles, this isn't one I'm going to take on right now.

I just hope it's not too late to undo any habits that have already started to form. Thanks again for all the info! I will probably have more questions once I'm in charge of mealtimes again.

While I'm at it, does anyone have any suggestions for good books on this topic?

 

[maya44]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eksmom While I'm at it, does anyone have any suggestions for good books on this topic?

"How to get your kid to eat, but not too much" by Satter.

Not everyone agrees with its philosophy (Parents decide when meals/snacks are and what is placed on the table/Child decides whether to eat a food and how much to eat), but it has worked VERY well for our family. We have three healthy, happy eaters.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

With my dd we really have to think of her food consumption during the whole day not just at the one meal. If my dd ate really well the rest of the day eating ice cream and not much else at supper isn't too bad... maybe making sure there is a nutritious snack later. If she didn't eat much at any meal that day or tried to replace every meal that day with junk food I feel like I need to say no, not until you eat something healthy first. We don't do dessert daily in our house anyway. We do let dd pick any one thing at the grocery store- don't tell her what to get and get her input on meals. Dd eats better when junk food is in limited quantities or not in the house at all.

Good Food for Kids by Penny Stanway

 

[LunaMom]

I had the exact same struggle with DD when she was about 3 or so. I never wanted to use dessert as a reward, but I was stumped when she would eat a bite of two of dinner and then want dessert.

My solution was to move dessert to another time of day. For some reason, perhaps because she was tired at the end of the day, dinner was her "worst" meal. If I offered dessert after lunch, or as part of a snack (a few cookies with a bowl of yogurt, for example), it became a non-issue. And since we have a "one-treat-a-day" policy in our house, that took care of it.

I don't know if this would work for you and your family, but it did for us! DH and I don't eat dessert after dinner ourselves, so it didn't require anyone else to change.

Good luck!

 

[kerc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maya44 "How to get your kid to eat, but not too much" by Satter. Not everyone agrees with its philosophy (Parents decide when meals/snacks are and what is placed on the table/Child decides whether to eat a food and how much to eat), but it has worked VERY well for our family. We have three healthy, happy eaters.

off the original topic, but related to mealtimes:
(and posting this because it impressed my MIL and might be great with your parents). but....
we got the idea around 12 months that kids can use napkins. So we began teaching erin that napkins go on your lap. We use cloth napkins, if you use paper I'd suggest paper towels at first as paper napkins are more flimsy. Anyhow she now more or less can put a napkin on her lap, wipe her fingers on it and wipe her mouth when she's done. Then when everyones done eating she collects all 3 napkins and puts them in the laundry.

 

[dharmamama]

Until my daughter was about 2 1/2, dinner was a free-for-all. She could pretty much eat (or not eat) whatever she wanted. Of course, my kids are still free to NOT eat whatever they want. They are not, however, free to eat whatever they want.

When dd was about 2 1/2, we started talking to her about the difference between meals, snacks, and treats. Dessert is a treat. Often it's something that's yummy but not particularly nutritious, such as ice cream, homemade cookies, etc. (We don't feed the kids many super-unhealthy, store-bought treats.) Our kids now understand that in order to get to the less-nutritious stuff, they have to eat the nutritious stuff first. They know that some foods help their bodies grow and be strong and healthy and that some, while fun to eat and good-tasting, don't. We don't forbid the less-healthy stuff, but it's not eaten unless the healthy stuff is eaten. They also understand that meals are their main sources of nutrition and that snacks are "tide-overs" until the meals. My kids can snack as much as they want on healthy foods, I don't care. I just want them to understand why I am not going to run to the kitchen to make fettucine alfredo at 3:30 in the afternoon, if that's what they suddenly desire.

So, what I am saying is, I don't think there is anything wrong with teaching your kids that they need to eat the nutritious stuff in order to be able to eat the not-so-nutritious stuff. In our family this has not set up "forbidden fruit" type of mentality. My kids are eager to nourish their bodies, and then they enjoy their desserts. 20 months might be too young for your child to understand this, but you could always try if you felt she would understand.

Namaste!

Ps. I, personally, don't buy the "kids will eat what their body needs" mentality. That may be true of kids who have never been introduced to junk food, but I think that once high-calorie, high-salt, high-sugar treats have been introduced, even in a very limited measure, kids will gravitate toward those things in unhealthy quantities. Since we didn't want to forbid treats, we decided that we would help the kids regulate their food intake.

 

[mgmsmommy]

we started just giving our kids a small portion of dessert right on their plate w/ dinner about a month ago. It ended all the battles my dh was having w/ the kids about if they ate enough to have their treat for the night. Now we have nights where our kids eat more of dinner than they used to, and some nights they barely touch their dessert cause they are in no hurry to get to it. And let me tell you dh was definitely skeptical that this would work, but now admits that it has been a big improvement on dinner time for us.

 

[nonconformnmom]

This is an interesting question and I am learning a lot from reading everyone's views on it. My husband and I try hard to not make sweets a "reward" or a "forbidden fruit." My husband wants our children to have almost no sugar or junk food - I am more moderate in that I feel that if we withhold those things, it will make them more attractive and when the kids are old enough to get access to them on their own, they may go overboard.

However, to me there is also the issue of priorities. That is something I also want my children to learn, is to have priorities and be thoughtful about the order in which they do things. I feel that eating their dinner is the first priority, and eating sweets/ desserts is a lower priority. I am struggling with how to help them learn this lesson while not making dessert a reward for eating dinner.

We rarely have dessert; but whenever I read parenting books on how to help children eat better at mealtimes, they almost always have advice that includes using dessert as a tool. Is dessert that common in most households?

 

[kerc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom However, to me there is also the issue of priorities. That is something I also want my children to learn, is to have priorities and be thoughtful about the order in which they do things. I feel that eating their dinner is the first priority, and eating sweets/ desserts is a lower priority. I am struggling with how to help them learn this lesson while not making dessert a reward for eating dinner.

that's a good point and i'm in agreement with you. One snippet of my experience comes to mind -- not sure whether this argues one way or the other -- at christmas time we were at MIL/FIL's house, eating ice cream. Erin wanted some, so we gave her some and then offerred oranges or ice cream when she asked for more -- she opted for both oranges and ice cream, but left the ice cream in the bowl and ate the oranges.

 

[srain]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama So, what I am saying is, I don't think there is anything wrong with teaching your kids that they need to eat the nutritious stuff in order to be able to eat the not-so-nutritious stuff.

That's what we do, too. Our son is a mess if he does not eat sufficient protein, but he doesn't like most protein-foods. When we gave him everything at once, he'd only eat the carbs. So now the protein and veggies come first, then carbs, then dessert (which is usually just fruit). We have friends whose kids are fine eating basically fruit all day, but I'm not willing to put up with the cranky brat my son becomes if he's given that freedom.