[abeliamama]

My DS, (6 next week) does not have an official DX of aspergers but I am leaning towards that after much reading, taking online quizzes, etc. He sees an OT for Sensory Processing Disorder and Oppositional Defiance Disorder is being explored. I know I need to consider his SN status when disciplining, but I can't give everything a pass. I try to keep him out of situations I know will be hard for him.

He hits, body slams, tears up things that don't belong to him, makes loud noises at inappropriate times, etc.

Nothing seems to discourage his inappropriate behavior. As a toddler, I used distraction whenever possible. I just removed him from the situation. Now as an almost 6 year old I believe some logical consequences are in order, but I struggle to find them, especially in the "heat" of the moment. If he throws a toy, I take it away. But what about he hits his sister for saying something? I have tried timeouts in desperation but honestly, they don't work. He won't stay where I ask him to without me holding him there and I seriously doubt they discourage him from repeating the action that got him there. I have tried taking away a toy (not related to incident) but he seems not to care and that seems silly anyway.

With my NT 9 year old I wait until she has calmed down and then talk to her about how we both were feeling. This seems to be effective. But for my son, it's like talking to a brick wall or he just negates everything I say.

I have tried positive reward charts. These seem to work at school when they are new, but the novelty wears off and they quit working. I also question the effectiveness of rewards.

I know he is acting out of frustration or because he can't control himself but how can I help him learn to not do these things? I mean, all kids act out because they are frustrated, right?

I think if I had an actual DX, it would be helpful, KWIM. Be able to figure out where he is coming from.

Any ideas? Thanks!

 

[Ex Libris]

Hi abeliamama,
My son has similar challenges, and I'm exploring the parenting techniques of Howard Glasser. I've just read All Children Flourishing and have been trying his techniques with success. This newer book of his has the same techniques as his older book Transforming the Difficult Child, but it's supposed to be easier to read and follow. I'm noticing my son being much less aggressive and defiant since starting it.

Good luck!

Kelly

 

[Dandy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by abeliamama I know he is acting out of frustration or because he can't control himself but how can I help him learn to not do these things? I mean, all kids act out because they are frustrated, right?

I am finishing up Ross Greene's The Explosive Child right now and that is the whole premise of the book... if your child doesn't have the skills to control his frustration then motivation-based techniques are not going to work (or not very well... or not for very long). So if that is what you think is going on with him, get the book! (I got a used copy for $5 shipped

)

I think it is really hard to let go of some stuff. Shouldn't there be stiff consequences for a kid who swears or punches, etc. Shouldn't you treat your two children the same way. He addresses those concerns. I found it eye opening because there are some behaviors that I "simply will not tolerate." And of course reading the book I realized that, if both my child and I are completely inflexible, we're probably GOING to have a lot of meltdowns

My son has Asperger's, but he'll be three on Saturday, so I don't know what is ASD and what's normal toddler frustration.

 

[sbgrace]

I also found great success with the All Children Flourishing book--the author is Howard Glasser. http://www.amazon.com/All-Children-F.../dp/0967050782 This is his very new book so it doesn't have the number of reviews his previous books have but it's much better written and he's perfected the approach and made some changes from his last book. So this is the one to get. His previous book has tons of positive reviews but it is not written as well and people struggle to get through it for that reason. I highly recommend the approach and his newest book-I read it in a day and my husband in a week-end. I feel like I tried every approach out there with limited to no success and this one was transformative. It's different than anything else I've seen and makes perfect sense.

Here is a website with a different way to learn the approach (videos and support) but it's more costly than purchasing the book.
http://www.energyparenting.com/

This approach was made for kids with major challenges--from ADHD to ODD to Autism to fire starters and on. And it works with all kids-my typical kiddo is benefiting just as much as his spectrum twin. It's worth it.

 

[abeliamama]

Thanks all, I will definitely get the book All Children Flourishing. I have never heard of it. I do have the Explosive Child. I probably need to reread it.

Dandy, I do let go of A LOT. I'm curious what do you consider intolerable? I usually let things go, but I am questioning whether this is the best policy. My DH admitted that he kinda blew it today and raised his voice and yelled,"You need to quit screaming right now and go practice your handwriting". Amazingly, DS did and was more compliant all afternoon. I don't think that would work repeatedly (or would we want to try it) but DH and I discussed whether DS needed more rules and structure...Just not sure how to go about that. Anyone?

 

[Dandy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by abeliamama Thanks all, I will definitely get the book All Children Flourishing. I have never heard of it. I do have the Explosive Child. I probably need to reread it. Dandy, I do let go of A LOT. I'm curious what do you consider intolerable? I usually let things go, but I am questioning whether this is the best policy. My DH admitted that he kinda blew it today and raised his voice and yelled,"You need to quit screaming right now and go practice your handwriting". Amazingly, DS did and was more compliant all afternoon. I don't think that would work repeatedly (or would we want to try it) but DH and I discussed whether DS needed more rules and structure...Just not sure how to go about that. Anyone?

Intolerable... being rude is one I'm going to let go. Other stuff is still in there (hurting others or himself is pretty much it, though). But defining rudeness is a little more complicated with an Asperger's kid, from what I understand.

OK so, Explosive Child. Well, I just read the Explosive Child this week, and saw Dr. Greene at an Asperger's conference today so... hopefully I can sum it up better than I did to my husband who listened and said "so he just does whatever he wants?"

:

The basic premise is that you prioritize... but there is a lot of compromise. And the tools that the book provides are negotiation skills (IMO). It's not "picking your battles." It's Plan A (Basket A in the book, but adjusted his wording I guess) where you enforce your will (restraining him in the car is sometimes a battle for us... but he just doesn't have a choice!). There should hardly be any behaviors in that category. There's also Plan C which is stuff that just isn't worth fighting over. You just let it go. In the beginning there might be a lot of behaviors in that category. According to Dr. Greene, It's Plan B that involves all the work... that is the compromise, the negotiation. The key is not going into it thinking that, as the parent, you are going to steer the negotiation and get your child to obey by following this. You are actually going to negotiate. And you are going to drill for information, with the assumption that your child wants to do well, but can't.

I spent a whole day in the back of a conference room squinting at a Powerpoint and that was my epiphany. That it's not about me getting him to do what I say. I honestly thought my parenting philosophy was more solid than "how do I get my kid to do stuff"

I also don't know to apply it to the behaviors that my three year old has. When he takes all the DVDs out of their cases and is skating around the room on them...

As far as your son needing more rules and structure.. .maybe

I know mine does.

Also have heard it mentioned that some kids do better in the classroom setting because of the predictability.

 

[Roar]

You said "oppositional defiance disorder is being explored" - who is the person exploring that. I'm unclear as to who is exploring that and why you are being left to try to diagnose your child from online quizzes.

I would suggest starting with the pediatrician to rule out physical causes as there are many possibilities from lead poisoning to anemia to sleep disorders that could be contributing to his behavior. Once you've ruled out physical causes I'd suggest a visit to someone qualified to evaluate for Asperger's.

 

[abeliamama]

Dandy-I have read the Explosive Child and your post brought it all back. Thanks for saving me the time of rereading the whole book. That approach works well with my DD; however, it seems like when I try it with DS, he won't work with me. He just kinda shuts down. Maybe I need to keep trying (and reread the book anyway).

Roar, in the past, I have attributed his behaviors to SPD. But with more reading and research I decided that there is something more going on. I stumbled across a website for a local psychologist who advertised that she treats kids with Autism, Asperger's, OCD, ODD, Tourette's etc. I made an appointment and filled out a bunch of paperwork. I included my journal on DS's behaviors that I had started keeping. DH and I met with her while DS played in the room. She said from what all I wrote, it "could be" oppositional defiance disorder. She said she doesn't diagnose ASDs, but could hook me up with someone who could. We have another appointment in a few weeks. She will talk more with DS and get a feel for what's going on. If she isn't getting anywhere then I will find a neuropsych. I'm planning on asking her and DS's OT who all in our town diagnoses ASDs.