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No scorchers here because the title says 1yr old..... I need no flames thrown at me........

I have two DD's. My older, Elianna will be one next week. My second is 9 days old. I feel like I have thrown my Elli's life upside down so many times, and her bahavoir is on me.

My husband was deployed for 7 months back in September, and I think Daddy leaving was hard, even though she is kind of unaware of it. But he was the one who got her to sleep at night, and was the biggest cuddler with her. Before DH got deployed, I had my sister, her bf, and 2 boys move in with us, so my sis could be here when I had DD2. Her boys are now 26 and 14 months old, so they're relatively close in age to DD1.She is also pregnant again. My sister and her bf are not big on APing, and we have totally different views on parenting. I'm not hardcore APer, but I believe in it's values...... BFing, co-sleeping, baby wearing and so on. DD! who is forever on my hip, and that doesnt fly with them. My sis' bf told her he doesnt want her to breastfeed cause my daughter is too needy


So, I left her here when I went in the hospital (i side-carred her crib to their bed) had a c-section from hell, and a slow recovery. My incision is still open, and it's wound packed. I know I'm not supposed to be lifting her, at risk of tearing my incision, and basically never healing, but I can't help it. There are 3 other kids here plus my one year old, and not enough hands for her.

She loves to be held. She needs to be in bed with you to go to sleep. She cries if I walk past her without picking her up, even if someone is holding her. Her bedtime of 8pm is now close to midnight since I've been home from the hospital, cause she just won't go down easy.

She is really rather good with the baby. She is always kissing her, and hugging her, but doesn't understand she can't hold her
she tries.
she is mostly good about her baby sister, but still i notice

but the thing is.....

with me being basically useless, and my sis and bf with their differnt parenting styles, im just getting really frustrated. they tell her "NO, You can't be held all the time" and I can't stand listening to her cry cause they won't pick her up. When I go and scoop her off the floor cause hearing "NO" is the end of the world to her they get pissed at me. They tell me that they're trying to help, and I'm going against everything they say. Last time I checked, she was my daughter. She's barely one, and I feel needs that.

But no matter what it is, she does act like its the end of the world with a lot of things, and its even starting to frustrate me. Once I'm healed, I don't mind co-sleeping again with her (i can't risk her kicking my incision in the night) even though I don't know how to co-sleep with a 1yr old and newborn, but that will be my next thread!

Back to the disipline. She kicks, and contorts her body so rigid, and slaps your hands away. She screams until she gets picked up, and once she is picked up, wants down, and then screams even louder. I don't want to be the parent with a 4year old getting kicked in target, and the kid runs off laughing. I feel like I'm giving into her, which everyone around me is saying she is "spoiled" When she is really over-tired, the only way she will go to sleep is to have my cell phone in her hand with the media player on so she can listen to music.

I try talking to my husband about it, but there's not much insight he can offer from halfway around the world. I don't want a spoiled kid. She surprisingly is not an overly affectionate baby where she wants to cuddle for hours, but enjoys her mommy and me time.

I am sick of hearing its my fault that she is like she is, and she's only gunna get worse. i know i can't nessecarily change her bedtime habit overnight, and that's fine.

Do you all think that everytime I bend over to pick her up when she is crying that I am only making her tantrums worse? I mean she will scream at the top of her lungs like she is getting murdered. I feel that she is secure with me, and I love that about our relationship. Any opinions here would be great. Thanks
 

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I think she's probably just missing you... both your physical closeness due to your c-section healing and the additional time you're spending with the new baby.

I would just try and give her as much time as you can. Can you maybe have her climb onto your lap once you're seated in a chair? Can you let her sit next to you while you nurse the newborn or have you considered tandem nursing? (Nursing both... and no, you won't have supply issues
) You might want to ask for some help on the baby/newborn thread. I'm sure there are some Mamas there that can give you some advice on how to give your DD the closeness she needs, even with the c-section healing issues.

It must be really hard for you to parent the way you want to with your DH so far away. I can tell you that everything I've read (and seen personally too) is that APing leads to less needy children. Kids at this age are supposed to be held/loved when they need it. That gives them the confidence to go off and explore when they're ready.


Hope this helps.
 

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No, I think she probably is less fussy the more you pick her up. This is a hard age IMO even without any other children in the mix. I wonder if there is a way you can get some more help from your health insurance or military spouses' organization-- maybe some other military families could suggest resources. Seems like your sister and her boyfriend are basically refusing to help (probably overwhelmed themselves) and covering it up by claiming "philosophy". Most people I know take for granted that one-year-olds need to be held a lot.

There is one thing, if/ when you are up to it: one-year-olds tend to be more willing to go in the stroller than younger babies, both from my experience with DS and from what I've heard from other parents. So if you can take the newborn in the sling and the one-year-old in the stroller for lots of long walks, and talk to the one-year-old, that might help.
 

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What a horribly difficult situation.

First and foremost- remember- she's a baby. A young baby. She is going to act like a baby.

I know she looks so big and grown up next to the new babe. But she's a baby. Make sure you only have baby expectations for her.

hang in there!

-Angela
 

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My younger DD and DS are 17 mos apart... so she was still very much a baby IMO when he was born. While I did not have a c-section to worry about, my OB still cautioned me not to pick her up for at least 3 weeks. That was very hard to do, b/c she was my baby too! I had to work out compromises that worked for all of us.

What worked best for me was to hang out on the couch (you might be more comfy on the bed) with both little ones. I'd nurse the baby and read books to my DD. Grab a basket and fill it up with books, small toys (stacking cups are great fun), snacks, blanket (to play peek-a-boo), that sort of thing. Keep the basket with you, when she wants your attention call her over to you and tell her to hop up next to Mommy. Stay calm if she starts to scream or fuss and encourage her to climb up next to you so you can play together. A stepstool might be a very good idea if she has trouble climbing up on the bed.

I'd also have a very frank discussion with your sister. Your DD is having a hard enough time with a new baby in the house and Mommy not able to pick her up... but to have your sister and bf decide that now is the time to change parenting tactics is just too much. Ask your sister to please respect your parenting style and help you out with your DD while you're recovering from the c-section. Tell her it breaks your heart that your DD is going through such a rough time and then getting no comfort from her aunt either.

Hugs to you hon. I hope you recover quickly so that you can pick up your both babies.

Beth
 

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I am SO impressed that you are able to parent with your husband halfway around the world! To me, YOU are amazing!!

Remember that YOU know your child best. Your way of parenting is from the heart, it's innate, it's your gut and your instincts telling you what is right and what is wrong. Follow that.

Your sister & her bf at the very least, need to respect how you feel and how you parent. They may parent differently and receive different results but I'm sure they expect you to respect how they parent. It should be both ways.

It sounds like you all have a lot going on but if you are going to share a house with someone, you need to come to some sort of agreement so that you can co-exist peacefully. That will be the best thing for all the kids.

Your daughter has been through a lot but you are a strong constant in her life. A new baby can be really hard and she is one- that's still a baby. When my son was one, I still slung him everywhere. Heck, when he was 3, I still slung him everywhere and he is one of the MOST independent cildren I know.

In fact, most of my friends have similar parenting values and all their children seem pretty secure. So we must be doing something right!


Just remember: you are am amazing mama! It's tough to swing two babes at once and you are doing it every day. Go you! You know your child best- period! AND take care of yourself- be gentle with yourself!
 
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