[goodygumdrops]

Im just wondering if anyone would feel comfortable sharing their btdt experiences with divorce and young children. My hubby and I are headed in that direction.

I explained a lot in another post but Im curious about what to expect custody wise. My therapist said that usually with a child that young that its normally one visit a week and eow with father. Is that right? I just dont think that seems like enough time given that they have a pretty close relationship now....but also understand that divorce and change can be really hard for little ones so maybe thats the norm?

Another question is for divorce with no assets and major debt...how does that work usually. We are planning on getting into some counseling soon or filing bankruptcy and should have this all done before the divorce(which we havent even discussed yet). Im assuming we'll both have to move because I doubt I can afford the rent here by myself. I know I need to talk to a lawyer but Im super broke right now...and Im not even working.

Anyway, I really appreciate any guidance. We have an appointment with a counselor on Monday but I am really expecting this to be the start of some sort of separation mediation. TIA.

 

[Sagesgirl]

For starters, don't go in on bankruptcy. My ex took all the marital debt, and I gather it's not entirely uncommon. If he's planning on bankruptcy anyway, there's a good chance you can talk him into assuming community debt. Let him wreck his credit.

As for custody...It seems to me as if your therapist was merely reciting the standard visitation schedule. This is not what we have. Because my daughters (the youngest of whom was not quite two when this whole mess started) have always been very close to their father & because it was important to me to maintain that as much as possible, we agreed to every weekend, Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. He's also supposed to take the girls for dinner one night during the week, but right now he doesn't.

Some parents have a 50/50 schedule where they switch kids every week. IMO this is too disruptive, especially for very young children. My girls love their dad, but he was never an equal care provider. They need to be with their primary caregiver more than the guy who was just there sometimes, KWIM? So our unconventional arrangement is working out fairly well right now, & should be fine for some years into the future.

Mediation is an excellent idea. I really think it should be a required beginning. For that, I suggest you make a list of what you want, and then rank it in order of importance. Be willing to give some of the less-important stuff to get some of the more important stuff. I gave a huge thing--being able to home school the kids--just to avoid going to trial. Chances are it won't come down to that for you.

Good luck.

 

[Theoretica]

^^^^^ great post

And, if you and your stbx aren't comfortable with overnights, you can always agree to handle it differently by maybe having more frequent visits of less duration. Like 3x weekly for about 4 hours, and either saturday or sunday for the day. Have you asked your stbx how he'd like to handle it? I think the more involved they are from the beginning, the better the outcome.

 

[grass67hopper]

Yes, get some books from the library about mediation and collaborative divorce.
I don't recall your previous posts, but if you and stbxh can agree on schedules, then there is no standard -- you can do what works for you and your DC, and this can change in the future. However, if you get into a custody dispute, then there you'll have to use more of a fixed schedule (and depending on your circumstances, time can be fixed by the Court).
The more you can work out yourselves, the better off you and your children will be -- emotionally and financially.
Can't advise you about the economics, but like a pp said, I'd be very careful...

 

[Sagesgirl]

Another point on the custody issue: The way my lawyer explained it to me, what goes on paper is the default. You can modify it between the two of you as you please, and change it on the fly, but if there is ever a disagreement, then you default to what's in the divorce decree.

 

[jaye88]

I'm going through this right now, as well. DD is 2-1/2, and stbx and I have almost completed the financial settlement (he's stalling because I need the money to move, with DD) and have started on the parenting agreement. There is a great thread somewhere here on what to include in a parenting agreement, which I found VERY helpful. Definitely put together a schedule that is appropriate for your own family, but get the default in writing, as PP said. Don't leave it too loose, because you never know what may happen 5 or 10 years down the road. It's easier to be more relaxed than you have legally agreed to be than it is to tighten things up later.

 

[Goodmom2008]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl For starters, don't go in on bankruptcy. My ex took all the marital debt, and I gather it's not entirely uncommon. If he's planning on bankruptcy anyway, there's a good chance you can talk him into assuming community debt. Let him wreck his credit.

If her name is on the debt, after he declares bankruptcy, the creditors can come after her for payment. And she would have no legal recourse.

And her credit would be wrecked anyway.

 

[Goodmom2008]

Quote:

Originally Posted by goodygumdrops I explained a lot in another post but Im curious about what to expect custody wise. My therapist said that usually with a child that young that its normally one visit a week and eow with father. Is that right? I just dont think that seems like enough time given that they have a pretty close relationship now....but also understand that divorce and change can be really hard for little ones so maybe thats the norm?

The EOW weekend schedule is hard on a child that young. Perhaps one overnight a week until she is older would be a better idea.

In my state, the courts generally don't order overnights until 2 years of age. And when the overnights start, it's only one a week.

My youngest was almost 4 when my ex and I split. Once overnights started,she did not handle a whole week-end well. We ended up only doing one overnight EOW for a few months. She did better with this. As long as she didn't see me. Which meant that I couldn't go to my older child's soccer games. Now she's 7 and, while she still has a hard time with the summer schedule (every Sunday night to Tuesday at 5 p.m.), it isn't as bad as it used to be.