[arimama]

nevermind.
Wasnt looking for a rant, and to be told to "grow up".

 

[zipworth]

Are you sure this is what you want? In my experience, all relationships come to a point where passion subsides, but it can also come back. The initial passion in a relationship is intoxicating and addicting, but it isn't real. Perhaps you should try councelling to help you work through all your confusion. It sounds like this relationship would be worth it to try to look deeper into why you are feeling like having him leave. Another question you may want to consider is how would you feel if your husband eventually moved on to another relationship?

 

[GuildJenn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by arimama Anyone have any stories of really making things work as a family without being romantic partners anymore?

No I don't. We have had times in our marriage where that spark seemed pretty far away, but I always have on some level wanted to kindle it.

So if you really, really don't - then I think that says a lot. But I kind of caution you about what steps you take in the wake of that. Go slow and give yourself time. Sometimes what you think you might have missed at 19 isn't really what there is once you're older and have kids - meaning, sometimes that "spark" is unstable - great highs and great lows - and so you may want to be careful about how you go about finding it.

 

[Bellejar]

I agree with the second post here. Honestly if you are not happy, you need to work on you. 19 is really young to get married though. People change a lot, that doesn't mean you can't work at the relationship. 8 years is a long time to toss away without even trying. Especially if you share kids.

 

[NotTheOnlyOne]

yes, you are being selfish. Especially since you have kids. Grow up. That passionate infatuation never lasts. Its just doesnt. Once you get use to a person's body chemistry, it just won't have the same effect on you ever again. But, you move past that and find out what else you are passionate about in that person. Seriously, go to a counselor, maybe even by yourself. You got married very young and that in itself says a lot about what you are feeling right now. You missed out on dating, on flirting, on acting impulively. But, you have kids now and you shouldnt be doing that anyway.

So you leave your dh... so you can "date." You realize there is no one else out there that will be as good to you as he is... but its too late. SO now you are dealing with custody issues, sharing your kids on the holidays, your now exdh finds someone and remarries and is happy but his new dw is a nitch to your kids....

I mean, just think about it will you? You are not going to be fulfilling your fantasy here, I promise. It just doesn't happen that way. And in the long run you will be doing way more damage to yourself and your kids than if you just tried to fall in love again with your dh.

end rant. Sorry, I think people divorce WAY to FREAKING much. Its a marriage people!!!! Your kids suffer!!!

(and of course this rant excludes all those divorcing to escape an abusive partner)

 

[liliaceae]

Based on the information you've given, I think it would be a mistake to get a divorce. That passion and spark that is there in the beginning of a relationship does not last, but it turns into something more meaningful. And IMO you really have to put your kids first, what would this do to them? At the very least you should get counseling before making a decision, you owe that to your kids and to your dh.

 

[Amylcd]

You have every right to feel the way you do. Please do not stay in this relationship simply for the children, and do not let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for wanting to leave.

I have been with my husband since we were 16. The initial passion is definitely no longer there, and if I did not love him - i would leave him without thinking twice.

 

[myfairbabies]

I read about a couple that was similar to your situation, a true story. The spouse that was struggling (in this case, the husband) was told to go home and love his wife. When he replied that he just didn't love her anymore, the counselor told him that love is an action, not just a feeling. The man learned to love his wife again and their marriage was essentially saved. You love those that you serve, so maybe you should start giving a little too? I doubt you will ever find someone that you will be happy with if you are always the one taking. That's something that you need to work on. Try to rekindle your marriage, won't it be worth it to actively try?

 

[Tishie]

Quote:

That passionate infatuation never lasts.

That's not true at all. I've been with my partner for over 14 years, and we absolutely do have passionate infatuation. His smell gets me going, the look in his eyes, all of it. We're like a couple of 16 year olds.

However, I do agree that love is an action, and the more you do it, the more you feel it. There have been times I've felt that fading, so I just jump on top of him and start it back up. But that's because it's there, somewhere, even if we let life get in the way of it. If the OP doesn't feel that at all, then... she might never feel it. I empathize, because some of us expect more out of our romantic relationships than being like siblings or something.

Just because someone's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the one for her. I didn't get to read the OP, but it might just be that she actually knows her own feelings and situation better than everyone else, especially a bunch of people who haven't even met her.

 

[Strong Mama]

Quote:

Quote: That passionate infatuation never lasts. That's not true at all. I've been with my partner for over 14 years, and we absolutely do have passionate infatuation. His smell gets me going, the look in his eyes, all of it. We're like a couple of 16 year olds. However, I do agree that love is an action, and the more you do it, the more you feel it. There have been times I've felt that fading, so I just jump on top of him and start it back up. But that's because it's there, somewhere, even if we let life get in the way of it. If the OP doesn't feel that at all, then... she might never feel it. I empathize, because some of us expect more out of our romantic relationships than being like siblings or something. Just because someone's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the one for her. I didn't get to read the OP, but it might just be that she actually knows her own feelings and situation better than everyone else, especially a bunch of people who haven't even met her.

That was well said mama.

:

 

[Rockies5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tishie That's not true at all. I've been with my partner for over 14 years, and we absolutely do have passionate infatuation. His smell gets me going, the look in his eyes, all of it. We're like a couple of 16 year olds. However, I do agree that love is an action, and the more you do it, the more you feel it. There have been times I've felt that fading, so I just jump on top of him and start it back up. But that's because it's there, somewhere, even if we let life get in the way of it. If the OP doesn't feel that at all, then... she might never feel it. I empathize, because some of us expect more out of our romantic relationships than being like siblings or something. Just because someone's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the one for her. I didn't get to read the OP, but it might just be that she actually knows her own feelings and situation better than everyone else, especially a bunch of people who haven't even met her.

Awesome post. I'm sorry the OP felt attacked. We've been together for 13yrs, married for 11 and I very much concur; very much like 16yolds

(since we met when I was 16 I can claim that) . There is still that stupid, crazy, infatuation-crush feeling but also a very mature deep bond as well.

We had to make it through alot of crap first though, which made us stronger.

 

[Kleine Hexe]

I was in an anthropology class and they talked about the "7 year itch." It seems a lot of relationships seem to sizzle out around this time frame. It was very interesting to hear the research trying to figure out why biologically.

 

[arimama]

*

 

[arimama]

Kleine hexe
yes I have heard of this too. I honestly think lifelong monogomy is a lovely romantic idea, but not totally realistic. I think the people who make it work often have religious and other reasons for it.

 

[Angierae]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. My DH and I have been together since I was 19, I'm 30 now. Been through 5 pregnancies, have 2 living children, and are currently pregnant. That initial spark is nothing compared to the crazy sexual desire I feel for him now. I can't even compare the sex we used to have with what we have now. I swear it gets better every time. I would be devastated if that went away -- I'd don't know what I would do. As cheesy and superficial as it may sound, our physical relationship is really the expression of all the emotional love we share. I think it would be really hard to keep the relationship strong without that. If loving him is an action, its the same type of action as breathing. I just do it unconsciously because its how I exist. I have a lot of respect for people who make their marriages work without all the passion. I don't know if I would be able to do it. I hope you find some peace with your situation.

 

[GinaNY]

Quote:

Originally Posted by arimama Kleine hexe yes I have heard of this too. I honestly think lifelong monogomy is a lovely romantic idea, but not totally realistic. I think the people who make it work often have religious and other reasons for it.

Yikes Arimama! I am sorry for your situation and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make for you and your family. I am also sorry that you believe that lifelong monogomy is a "lovely romantic idea, but not realistic". That is unfortunately your reality.

I sat with 2 90+ women this year as they briefly recounted the day of the death of their husbands. One woman said how her husband told his Dr. that he had to hold on till after his wife's birthday b/c he didn't want what happened to her mother to happen to his wife. She cried as she told us this. Then I remember my own grandfather on his death bed asked my mom to get my grandmother. When she walked in he took her and kissed her and passed.

While I can't predict the future, I am in it for the long haul. I don't think of divorce as an option. It would be too easy to give up. VERY silly analogy but I CD and sometimes it can be frustrating or cumbersome. I don't see disposables as a choice, so I just work through it because I am committed to my decision. I too believe people give up on their marriages too easily. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we know that there is an out so we build our case towards that instead of focusing on working through the kinks.

This is only a response to marriage in general and your comment. I am not talking about your situation because you removed your original post. I don't know you, your husband, your family or your situation. Like I said before I simply hope you find peace and happiness in your decision, just think long and hard b/c the grass isn't always greener.

One more thing remember that when you post here for advice you are gonna get that advice whether you like it or not. Believe I have been there. But that's the point to hear the good, the bad and the ugly, not just what you want to hear.

Anyways it's 12AM here so apologies if things aren't completely coherent.

 

[arimama]

GinaNY
Obviously I know that some people stay together forever. Im just saying that I dont belive on a purely biological level that lifelong monogamy is %100 natural.
Im surprised by people who would be willing to live with mediocre marriages because its the "right" thing to do.

 

[funkygranolamama]

I think the type of passion changes, too. I used to have the tear-his-clothes-off-now kind of passion when he looked at me a certain way. Now I have a different kind of (sometimes sexual and other times) non-sexual passion that happens when he does the dishes, takes initiative in any way, is doing a really good job at fathering, etc. I didn't read the initial post.

While I am monogomous in my relationship, I agree that not all people are meant to be with just one person, and if that is the situation they shouldn't stay in a marriage just for the sake of the marriage itself. It's not fair to either spouse.

I'm tired. I hope that made sense.....

 

[cottonwood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtosimon That passionate infatuation never lasts. Its just doesnt. Once you get use to a person's body chemistry, it just won't have the same effect on you ever again.

That's a myth. I've been with my husband for close to twelve years and I adore him, feel romantic toward him, and am sexually attracted to him, and I expect it to stay that way. I don't know why some people's sexual attraction and inloveness lessens... I suspect, though, that it's because their "attraction" and "infatuation" didn't have to do the real person in front of them, but with their own love of the idea of being in love. And once the real person became apparent to them, the illusion couldn't hold up any longer. But if you're in love with the real person to begin with, that does last.

 

[Thao]

Quote:

Originally Posted by arimama GinaNY Obviously I know that some people stay together forever. Im just saying that I dont belive on a purely biological level that lifelong monogamy is %100 natural. Im surprised by people who would be willing to live with mediocre marriages because its the "right" thing to do.

Humans do a lot of things that are not 100% natural, as a matter of fact you might say that is what separates us from animals. We give up our lives for abstract ideals. We fly when nature made us without wings. You get the idea. We are not slaves to our natural instincts or limitations.

I can respect how hard it must be to have never really been out on your own and to want that now. Your feelings are valid. But I would urge you to be very deliberate in your decision and not base it solely on your feelings. Because what's best for your kids has very little to do with your feelings. As you weigh what you should do, do investigate the "dark side" of what might happen. If you haven't already, read about divorce and how it impacts kids. Read about what makes a "good" divorce. Investigate other options like open marriage or polyamory. Talk it all over with your husband.

It you didn't have kids, I'd say go with your passion. But when you have kids, I think it's important to make decisions with your head.