Are you sure this is what you want? In my experience, all relationships come to a point where passion subsides, but it can also come back. The initial passion in a relationship is intoxicating and addicting, but it isn't real. Perhaps you should try councelling to help you work through all your confusion. It sounds like this relationship would be worth it to try to look deeper into why you are feeling like having him leave. Another question you may want to consider is how would you feel if your husband eventually moved on to another relationship?
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No I don't. We have had times in our marriage where that spark seemed pretty far away, but I always have on some level wanted to kindle it.
So if you really, really don't - then I think that says a lot. But I kind of caution you about what steps you take in the wake of that. Go slow and give yourself time. Sometimes what you think you might have missed at 19 isn't really what there is once you're older and have kids - meaning, sometimes that "spark" is unstable - great highs and great lows - and so you may want to be careful about how you go about finding it.
Originally Posted by arimama Anyone have any stories of really making things work as a family without being romantic partners anymore? |
So if you really, really don't - then I think that says a lot. But I kind of caution you about what steps you take in the wake of that. Go slow and give yourself time. Sometimes what you think you might have missed at 19 isn't really what there is once you're older and have kids - meaning, sometimes that "spark" is unstable - great highs and great lows - and so you may want to be careful about how you go about finding it.
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That was well said mama.
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| Quote: That passionate infatuation never lasts. That's not true at all. I've been with my partner for over 14 years, and we absolutely do have passionate infatuation. His smell gets me going, the look in his eyes, all of it. We're like a couple of 16 year olds. However, I do agree that love is an action, and the more you do it, the more you feel it. There have been times I've felt that fading, so I just jump on top of him and start it back up. But that's because it's there, somewhere, even if we let life get in the way of it. If the OP doesn't feel that at all, then... she might never feel it. I empathize, because some of us expect more out of our romantic relationships than being like siblings or something. Just because someone's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the one for her. I didn't get to read the OP, but it might just be that she actually knows her own feelings and situation better than everyone else, especially a bunch of people who haven't even met her. |
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Awesome post. I'm sorry the OP felt attacked. We've been together for 13yrs, married for 11 and I very much concur; very much like 16yolds
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(since we met when I was 16 I can claim that) . There is still that stupid, crazy, infatuation-crush feeling but also a very mature deep bond as well.
We had to make it through alot of crap first though, which made us stronger.
Originally Posted by Tishie That's not true at all. I've been with my partner for over 14 years, and we absolutely do have passionate infatuation. His smell gets me going, the look in his eyes, all of it. We're like a couple of 16 year olds. However, I do agree that love is an action, and the more you do it, the more you feel it. There have been times I've felt that fading, so I just jump on top of him and start it back up. But that's because it's there, somewhere, even if we let life get in the way of it. If the OP doesn't feel that at all, then... she might never feel it. I empathize, because some of us expect more out of our romantic relationships than being like siblings or something. Just because someone's a great guy, doesn't mean he's the one for her. I didn't get to read the OP, but it might just be that she actually knows her own feelings and situation better than everyone else, especially a bunch of people who haven't even met her. |
We had to make it through alot of crap first though, which made us stronger.
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Yikes Arimama! I am sorry for your situation and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make for you and your family. I am also sorry that you believe that lifelong monogomy is a "lovely romantic idea, but not realistic". That is unfortunately your reality.
I sat with 2 90+ women this year as they briefly recounted the day of the death of their husbands. One woman said how her husband told his Dr. that he had to hold on till after his wife's birthday b/c he didn't want what happened to her mother to happen to his wife. She cried as she told us this. Then I remember my own grandfather on his death bed asked my mom to get my grandmother. When she walked in he took her and kissed her and passed.
While I can't predict the future, I am in it for the long haul. I don't think of divorce as an option. It would be too easy to give up. VERY silly analogy but I CD and sometimes it can be frustrating or cumbersome. I don't see disposables as a choice, so I just work through it because I am committed to my decision. I too believe people give up on their marriages too easily. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we know that there is an out so we build our case towards that instead of focusing on working through the kinks.
This is only a response to marriage in general and your comment. I am not talking about your situation because you removed your original post. I don't know you, your husband, your family or your situation. Like I said before I simply hope you find peace and happiness in your decision, just think long and hard b/c the grass isn't always greener.
One more thing remember that when you post here for advice you are gonna get that advice whether you like it or not. Believe I have been there. But that's the point to hear the good, the bad and the ugly, not just what you want to hear.
Anyways it's 12AM here so apologies if things aren't completely coherent.
Originally Posted by arimama Kleine hexe yes I have heard of this too. I honestly think lifelong monogomy is a lovely romantic idea, but not totally realistic. I think the people who make it work often have religious and other reasons for it. |
I sat with 2 90+ women this year as they briefly recounted the day of the death of their husbands. One woman said how her husband told his Dr. that he had to hold on till after his wife's birthday b/c he didn't want what happened to her mother to happen to his wife. She cried as she told us this. Then I remember my own grandfather on his death bed asked my mom to get my grandmother. When she walked in he took her and kissed her and passed.
While I can't predict the future, I am in it for the long haul. I don't think of divorce as an option. It would be too easy to give up. VERY silly analogy but I CD and sometimes it can be frustrating or cumbersome. I don't see disposables as a choice, so I just work through it because I am committed to my decision. I too believe people give up on their marriages too easily. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes we know that there is an out so we build our case towards that instead of focusing on working through the kinks.
This is only a response to marriage in general and your comment. I am not talking about your situation because you removed your original post. I don't know you, your husband, your family or your situation. Like I said before I simply hope you find peace and happiness in your decision, just think long and hard b/c the grass isn't always greener.
One more thing remember that when you post here for advice you are gonna get that advice whether you like it or not. Believe I have been there. But that's the point to hear the good, the bad and the ugly, not just what you want to hear.
Anyways it's 12AM here so apologies if things aren't completely coherent.
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That's a myth. I've been with my husband for close to twelve years and I adore him, feel romantic toward him, and am sexually attracted to him, and I expect it to stay that way. I don't know why some people's sexual attraction and inloveness lessens... I suspect, though, that it's because their "attraction" and "infatuation" didn't have to do the real person in front of them, but with their own love of the idea of being in love. And once the real person became apparent to them, the illusion couldn't hold up any longer. But if you're in love with the real person to begin with, that does last.
Originally Posted by momtosimon That passionate infatuation never lasts. Its just doesnt. Once you get use to a person's body chemistry, it just won't have the same effect on you ever again. |
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Humans do a lot of things that are not 100% natural, as a matter of fact you might say that is what separates us from animals. We give up our lives for abstract ideals. We fly when nature made us without wings. You get the idea. We are not slaves to our natural instincts or limitations.
I can respect how hard it must be to have never really been out on your own and to want that now. Your feelings are valid. But I would urge you to be very deliberate in your decision and not base it solely on your feelings. Because what's best for your kids has very little to do with your feelings. As you weigh what you should do, do investigate the "dark side" of what might happen. If you haven't already, read about divorce and how it impacts kids. Read about what makes a "good" divorce. Investigate other options like open marriage or polyamory. Talk it all over with your husband.
It you didn't have kids, I'd say go with your passion. But when you have kids, I think it's important to make decisions with your head.
Originally Posted by arimama GinaNY Obviously I know that some people stay together forever. Im just saying that I dont belive on a purely biological level that lifelong monogamy is %100 natural. Im surprised by people who would be willing to live with mediocre marriages because its the "right" thing to do. |
I can respect how hard it must be to have never really been out on your own and to want that now. Your feelings are valid. But I would urge you to be very deliberate in your decision and not base it solely on your feelings. Because what's best for your kids has very little to do with your feelings. As you weigh what you should do, do investigate the "dark side" of what might happen. If you haven't already, read about divorce and how it impacts kids. Read about what makes a "good" divorce. Investigate other options like open marriage or polyamory. Talk it all over with your husband.
It you didn't have kids, I'd say go with your passion. But when you have kids, I think it's important to make decisions with your head.
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