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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,<br><br>
I have a question for you all that are pregnant with a co-sleeping toddler. I am due to deliver in January and the thought of leaving my son for the required time of labor and delivery and hospital stay is giving me great anxiety.<br><br>
We do not have birthing centers here and homebirth is not an option for me.<br><br>
I have major trust issues so I can only feel trust with letting my husband stay with my son. So that means my dh will not be with me during labor and delivery <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. He is a great source of comfort during uncomfortable times and it is a shame that he cannot be there. I really cannot find it in me to trust anyone but him with our son. My mom was going to labor with me and switch off with dh, but I do not want my son to be stuck at the hospital for hours and hours. He is 2.5 years old. I have a doula, as long as she is not already working <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Let me know what you other co-sleeping attached mamas figured out for your babies.<br><br>
Thanks, I am cross-posting in "Family Bed"
 

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My situation is different. I have plenty of family I can trust DS with. But we are planning a homebirth. I want DS to be around as long as I can stand it. (He may start to cry or want me to hold him in labor, might drive me crazy, kwim?). If I end up in the hospital again, I would want him in the room with me as long as he wanted to be, but I know we have family to entertain him so DH could stay with me. I don't think I could do it without DH by my side.
 

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I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation. My dh and I were really concerned about leaving our 22 mo old, co-sleeping toddler for my second delivery. My mother ended up coming from out of state to take care of him. He was so confused when he woke up and we were gone - my mother had to take him through every room of the house looking for us! But he was fine with the explanation that we were are the hospital getting his new sibling. After delivery, my dh immediately brought ds to the hospital, then dh and my mother switched places - she stayed with me through recovery and he went home with ds.<br><br>
I really hope that you can find some arrangement that feels comfortable, and allows your husband to be with you. Not only to support you - although that's plenty important! - but because of what it means for attached dads to be at their children's birth. I hate to think of them missing out on that.
 

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Why can't your DS stay for labor & delivery? When I tried for a VBAC with #2 my older DS was there the whole time. Of course after all my other kids were born I sent DH home with them. It was more important to me that he be with them, and I was always out less than 24 hrs. later anyhow - is early discharge an option?
 

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I would not agree to labor and delivery without my dh. I would work now on building connections in your community -- through whatever, church, yahoo groups, online connections here, to find someone you trust to watch your son. Also, doulas can switch off in caring for children. So if ultimately you cannot find someone to care for your son, then you should bring him with and have your dh and doula switch off.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">is early discharge an option?</div>
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Great suggestion. Many careproviders will discharge you at 6-12 hours. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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We're in the same situation. My mom will come but she's out of state so who knows if she'll be here in time. I'm thinking of hiring a doula but if I can't have dh I might as well have the L&D nurse, y/k? I have a friend that ds loves but she's 30 minutes away and that seems too far. So far DH and I are thinking he may have to stay w/ ds. I can't imagine bringing him (also 2.5) to the hospital but maybe we'll reconsider that option.<br><br>
ETA I will probably spend a night at the hospital, and will be ok w/o DH--he had to sleep in a chair last time and it looked so uncomfortable! L&D is what I need him for, not that night. I'm afraid it'll still be tough for ds, though, esp since we're still cosleeping and nursing.<br><br>
I hope you find a good solution--it's tough!
 

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I could not imagine being away from my 3 yo dd.....we're having a homebirth unless something goes really wrong, of course. That is how I "figured it out".<br><br>
For someone who chooses not to homebirth, the only thing I guess I can suggest is to NOT be in the hospital for "hours and hours". Sine you are at MDC, I'm sure you know what a bad idea it is to go to the hospital early, so my best suggestion would be to wait until you are WELL, WELL advanced in labor to even go to the hospital, at which point it really should not be more than a couple hours for a second time mom to deliver, so your son and husband could easily come with you and wait int a waitng room and dh could switch off, or stay at home and then come once the babe is here......regardless, it should just be very quick.
 

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I have no advice along the lines that you are looking for. I chose to homebirth so that I would not have to deal with this problem. It was driving me crazy and my family would not come and visit me so they could stay with my kids. I have 2 kids. So it was either a stranger watch my kids at the last minute or my DH drive me to the hospital and then leave me there and stay with the kids at home. This was not an option for me. I have to have my DH. He is my life. Homebirth is free so that is the route I am going unless I have an emergency. I hope you find something that works for you!
 

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I totally understand your struggle!! I'm due in 3 weeks & have a 24 mo old, very attached, breastfeeding, co-sleeper. Although I'd personally be ok with ds staying with one of our moms, my dh feels as you do- just too attached/concerned, etc to be able to trust doing that.<br><br>
This whole challenge is one of the reasons we recently decided to have a UC at home instead! What my plan WAS, was to take ds with us to the hospital. DH or my mom (most likely dh because ds isn't very familiar with my mom) would have to try to keep him happy while I labored. The thought is a scary one, I know. What on earth is a toddler going to do if it's like 4am & he's stuck in a bright, noisy, weird hospital?? I became even MORE stressed about the whole thing when I learned that we most likely would NOT be allowed to leave the hospital before 48 hours. SO STUPID. And I would bawl my eyes out if dh went home to care for ds & left me abandoned at the hospital! But that's what would have to happen.<br><br>
It's all such a huge challenge & I'm sorry you're struggling with it! I hope you can find a solution..... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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I delivered dd when ds was 28 months old, passionate about the breast, and cosleeping. I was terrified of how ds would handle the separation. My MIL came to stay w/us before I delivered. I went to the hosp at 5 a.m. w/ dh. MIL brought ds to the hospital as soon as he woke up - they were there by 9 a.m. Our hosp had a huge, fun waiting area that they played in and ds came in whenever he wanted to see me (which turned out to be only once between when he arrived and when I delivered at 10:30). Then they stayed w/me off and on all day. Dh took son home in the eve and coslept w/him that night. I went home the next day after an unmedicated, uncomplicated birth. It was much less of a big deal than I thought it would be, to be honest. However, if I were to have a #3, I'd do a homebirth for sure. My doc told me (I love my doc), "I don't know why you thought you'd need to deliver here, you should just do it at home next time!"<br><br>
Best of luck.
 

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I have a 2.5 year old that co-sleeps.<br><br>
I will also be delivering in a hospital, however my doc will be releasing me shortly after labor/delivery. If we are both healthy, there is ZERO reason to stay, so I'll be home in just a few hours.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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no advice for you, just a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
this is one of the major reasons i chose to have a homebirth last time and are doing it again this time. my mom will be coming to entertain the kids while i labor (hopefully, she lives about 2.5 hours away). i really want my kids near when i give birth, they can be in the room if they want (though last time 26 mo DD was in the other room, just came in immediately after), but otherwise at least they're in their comfy surroundings and doing what they would normally be doing while DH and I are doing our thing in the other room.<br><br>
i am very attached to my kiddos, and both of them still sleep with us, but honestly i don't think that even if he did get a little upset without you or DH around that it would damage him permanently, ya know? do you really not trust your mom to be at home with your DS for one day? i think keeping him home would minimize his upset since it's a familiar surrounding for him.<br><br>
have you talked to your DS about it? he might surprise you.
 

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We had our 2.5 ds with us when we went to the birth center in labor with #2. He ended up with my Mom and stepfather walking around outside, and watching TV, then he came in right after #2 was born and took a nap with us. I couldn't imagine not knowing he was close by. He was really content. We're expecting in January also, we're lucky enough to be able to have a homebirth and plan on have both boys here with us.<br>
Maybe your Mom can keep DS busy around the hospital, but have the carseat in case he gets super bored? Then your DH can be with you but he'll be close by ds incase of a melt down.<br><br>
Also, my first son was born in the hospital, I asked if I could cosleep with him and they had no problem with it (not that I slept!). Maybe your ds could sleep with dh on the roll away thing if you can't get released early <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you for all the responses!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
I will take all of your suggestions and discuss them with DH. I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor and it is so hard to leave my precious son with anyone except DH. It is my own psychosis and it is hard to let go of control of my sweet baby's care.<br><br>
I have a very kind midwife who specializes in maternal depression. I will ask her about my concerns and pose the ideas that you all have so kindly presented here to her and see what she says about early release and what accommodations can be made for entertainment of my sweet Ivan during labor/delivery.<br><br>
My doula is my LLL Leader. She is a labor/delivery RN as well as postpartum RN. She is my choice for a doula since she is a dear friend, so well trained, and worked at the hospital where I am delivering. She knows everybody and will be a great advocate for me. She just took a new job at another hospital part-time, so her availability is iffy in that regard. L&D usually lasts longer than a workshift, correct? I am having a VBAC, so I do not know what to expect in regards to labor time. I will just hope for the best in that regard, since there is nothing I can do to control that.<br><br>
I would like the option of not leaving home for the l&d, but I am not able to medically. VBAC, lots of scares in early pregnancy, not physically fit, and my OB/midwife group does not do homebirth. It took me a long time to find them and I am not up to searching for a homebirth midwife since I am scared of the idea anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"> Also, my home would not be comfortable for delivery. My tub is also so uncomfortable. I understand that warm water really helps with the labor pains. I will stay home as long as possible before going to the hospital. That is a calming thought. Thank you for suggesting it.
 

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My 2.5 year old is back to co-sleeping these days. His father's girlfriends daughter taught him about monsters under the bed so he is really scared. I hope by the time the babe is born he is back in his bed but if not he is going to stay with my grandmother (who will cosleep with him).
 

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We're dealing with the same issues <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help">! I'm due early February and currently co-sleep w/DD. We used to let DF's dad come and babysit every once in awhile, but he kept trying to get DD to try pepsi (even though I kept telling him she was not to have any) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> and even tried to get her to taste his margarita when we went out to eat <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nono.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nono">! I decided after those incidents that I no longer felt comfortable having him around her (especially unsupervised, but really I don't want him around her period). He lives about 1 1/2 hours away and has been a livesaver - especially when DF and I were both sick with a stomach bug and could barely take care of ourselves. Now our next option is to have DF's aunt come and stay w/DD (DD <i>loves</i> her), but she lives about 4 1/2 hours away & I'm afraid she won't be able to get here in time. I don't like being away from DD, I think I'm super-attached <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">. I've never slept without her right beside me.... I want to bring her to the hospital, but I'm afraid she'll be bored and DF will have to entertain her and I'll be left alone. DF was my rock when I was in labor last time and I want him to be there again (not to mention him having time to bond w/the new baby right after birth). Having a doula doesn't sound like such a bad idea (except for the price, lol!).
 
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