Do I have the right to throw away DH's clothes and buy him new ones?updated w/ photo!

3154 Views 94 Replies 53 Participants Last post by KermitMissesJim, Jun 13, 2005

meowee

Discussion Starter · Jun 8, 2005

Do you think it is acceptable for a wife (me) to throw away her husband's clothes if they are ripped, gashed, torn, frayed, stained, faded, and missing buttons, and replace them with new versions that are the exact same style, size and color? I have repaired them as much as possible-- patching and re-sewing buttons and stuff. Almost all of his clothes are past the point of no return.

DH will wear long sleeved shirts that are missing elbows. All of his pants and socks have large holes in them. He says he's saving money, but, we could afford at least a couple new pairs of pants, socks, and a couple shirts.

He seems emotionally attached to these ripped up clothes. Should I just throw them away and buy new ones, no matter how he reacts, or is it not my business? He is going to work looking like a showered homeless person. It can't be helping him.

I just feel like he is so cheap/ stubborn that the only way he will get new clothes is if I buy them. And unless I throw out the old ripped up clothes, he will continue to wear those in lieu of the new stuff.

So is this something that I have a "right" to do, or is an adult (him) entitled to ripped up clothes, if he wants to wear them?

(I have tried discussing this with him, he refuses to discuss it. He will not buy new clothes, end of story.)

CLICK HERE FOR A PHOTO

from left to right: boxer shorts, torn elbow of shirt, frayed pants.

1 - 20 of 95 Posts

Irishmommy

· #2 · Jun 8, 2005

Buy the new ones, and hide the old ones. If he doesn't complain, then toss the old.

MsMoMpls

· #3 · Jun 8, 2005

Oh come on, you know it's none of your business and you want us to give you permission to do it anyway. I believe that grown ups in this country have a right to act as crazy as they want to and in marriage it is almost always about accepting people as they are... even sloppy.

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alegna

· #4 · Jun 8, 2005

Buy the new ones. Try to get him to wear them. But sadly, if he wants to look like a showered homeless person (love the image...) that's his right as an adult.

-Angela

BabySackMom

· #5 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irishmommy
Buy the new ones, and hide the old ones. If he doesn't complain, then toss the old.

Then when he does use the new ones use the old ones as rags.. They will not be going to waste then. I have done this with my DH. I have to kindly remind him that his image also represents Me and US as a family. It is a very difficult situatuion.

meowee

Discussion Starter · #6 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Irishmommy
Buy the new ones, and hide the old ones. If he doesn't complain, then toss the old.

I have nowhere to hide the old ones-- he wil find them and wear them. I need to approach this as a "shock and awe" mission if I carry it out.

It will involve garbage cans and credit cards.

Well... I feel like it's none of my business, but I also think if I go ahead and do it, he'll eventually be grateful. He looks so ragged... I'm past the point of embarrassment. There would be so many other things to be embarrassed about if I wanted him to be a normal, socially acceptable guy. This is a man who will answer the phone as "The Prophet of All Ages speaking."

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MamaWindmill

· #7 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by meowee
He is going to work looking like a showered homeless person. It can't be helping him.

Well, the thing is, that's your opinion - apparently, he feels just fine about his clothes. Are you embarrassed for him, or for yourself? If it doesn't bother him, maybe just let it go.

That having been said...maybe this isn't the sort of thing you'd be interested in, but if it's money he's worried about, how about a trip to your local Goodwill? I know some people don't like used clothes, but I've found some great stuff there (expensive wool sweaters, and one 100% cashmere!), and I feel great shopping there - helping people maintain gainful employment who otherwise might not be able to, and not supporting the further exploitation of people by the major garment manufacturers and retailers (at least I'm not making them any further profit from someone's misery, if that makes any sense). Anyway, maybe he would be willing to buy some "new to him" clothes if he felt good about the prices and the ethical issues behind shopping second-hand.

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lisalou

· #8 · Jun 8, 2005

No, you don't have a right to. However, that shouldn't stop you. It doesn't stop me. My dh doesn't mind when I do it though b/c he hates shopping for new clothes.

asha

· #9 · Jun 8, 2005

No, you're his wife, not his mom. Other people have to realize that as well, that he chooses to look like that. He's old enough to take care of himself.

meowee

Discussion Starter · #10 · Jun 8, 2005

for an example of what I'm talking about, click here for a photo.

From left to right you will see: boxer shorts, the sleeve of a white shirt ripped at the elbow, the frayed cuffs of pants.

Mydragonboy

· #11 · Jun 8, 2005

I had no right to do this, I agree, but
my DH put on 30 pounds or so in the past few years and was still wearing the same clothes. He looked like a sausage. He thought he looked fabulous. Really.
For Christmas I dusted off the credit card and purchased a new wardrobe for him that would fit (in his favorite colors...2 pairs pants, 3 shirts, 2 sweaters). I then told him, "I think you are a beautiful man and you don't have to keep these clothes but you are definitely hiding your light under a bushel in your other ones." Enough vanity was activated that he consented to wear the newer clothes....

meowee

Discussion Starter · #12 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by asha
No, you're his wife, not his mom. Other people have to realize that as well, that he chooses to look like that. He's old enough to take care of himself.

See, I'm the kind of person who really does think this way. I even think this way on exteme issues like porn viewing and differing parenting styles. Often I hear women complain about their husbands looking at porn, and my thought is (as much as I hate porn), "Well, he's an adult, what right do they have to tell him what he can or can't look at?"

Or with parenting styles. Again, I find myself thinking, "Well he's an adult, he has his own mind, let him parent how he wants as long as it's not abusive."

But here I am feeling like I have some right to sabotage his closet! I am feeling very conflicted about this to say the least. I've been considering this at least a year.

MsMoMpls

· #13 · Jun 8, 2005

I think you need some serious convincing to do here. Tell him what you want for him and why...from love. Show him this thread, tell him that hanging onto old stuff keeps people stuck in the past and blocks their energy for new things to appear... I don't know... it might work.

meowee

Discussion Starter · #14 · Jun 8, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mydragonboy
I had no right to do this, I agree, but
my DH put on 30 pounds or so in the past few years and was still wearing the same clothes. He looked like a sausage. He thought he looked fabulous. Really.

:

My DH also thinks he looks fabulous.

To the poster who suggesting thrift stores-- I have suggested it, he shot me down. 1) I think he has OCD to some degree so touching "used" clothes freaks him out and 2) he is very skinny and it really is hard to find used clothes that fit him. It's hard even to find new clothes, that's why I have to order through catalogs.

I do buy used clothes for the kids and myself, and most of those clothes look better than his.

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MamaWindmill

· #15 · Jun 8, 2005

Holy cow!

Upon having seen the pictures, i think I see why you're ready to take desperate steps! Oy!

I agree with the other posters who said that you're his wife, not his mom, but jeez louise...that's a bit much! Maybe just go and buy him one nice outfit and some new boxers (honestly, I would pitch the boxers, and to hell with mom/wife issues), and maybe buy a few more things over the next few weeks (maybe if you bought something for yourself and the kids at the same time, you could make it a "look what I got us!" thing, not a "for god's sake, stop wearing rags!" thing).

stafl

· #16 · Jun 9, 2005

I would buy him new clothes, a few at a time. Well, that *is* what I do. Then some things just start disappearing in the wash...

Socks and boxers especially, they are the easiest to replace without him realizing it. I never throw out shirts or pants, without having replaced them with new ones first, and then saying something like "we can't fit all these clothes in your dresser - let's pick some of the old ones out to get rid of" He still has some t-shirts that aren't worthy of wiping up dog vomit, but I'm not so worried about them, they just seem to get forgotten when I do laundry, and spemd extra time at the bottom of the dirty clothes pile.

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mamawanabe

· #17 · Jun 9, 2005

his clothes are well outside the realm of normal, so I am wondering "why" he would wear them instead of the new ones you buy (btw - it is ok to buy him new clothes on your own but not OK to throw away his old clothes without his agreement - I would be very pissed in dh threw away stuff of mine on the sly- it is a breach of my autonomy)

You mention his emotional attachment to teh clothes and his frugality. Well, you can take care of the frugality issue by buying him new clothes and throwing away the receipts (so no returns) - the money is spent and the frugal thing to do is use the new clothes. The emotional stuff is trickier. Can't keeping the old clothes and/or wearing them around the house satistfy his emotional attachment? If not, he may be benighnly (and even charmingly) "off," which means of course that his career will probably suffer, but not JUST because he wears holey clothes to work (in other words, don't sweat his clothes).

Storm Bride

· #18 · Jun 9, 2005

I've worn clothes as bad as, or worse than, the ones in your pictures. (I will admit it's been a few years.) Several members of my family complained...but not my ex. If he had a problem with them, he kept it to himself, and it's a good thing.

If my dh ever got rid of anything of mine without my permission, there'd be hell to pay. And, I wouldn't even consider getting rid of anything of his. If he's comfortable dressing like that, and if it's not causing him any obvious problems at work (you didn't mention any), what business is it of anybody else's?

meowee

Discussion Starter · #19 · Jun 9, 2005

you ladies have really cheered me up today! I think the plan will be this: buy new clothes unapologetically, and then some of the old clothes will start to be "lost" in the wash. I see this as taking care of him. I'll only throw away shirts or pants that have huge holes in them.

merrick

· #20 · Jun 9, 2005

I know the exact position you're in. My dh does this too. Trust me, do not throw the old ones away! I learned that lesson the hard way. Buy him new ones and encourage him to wear them, but if he won't there's nothing you can do.

My dh had a pair of sandals for years. They were literally coming apart. One day the sole actually came off one of the sandals. I thought surely he'd never wear them again, so I tossed them. Big mistake! I heard about that one for a long long time.

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