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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so...dH and i were doing really well, and i felt really bonded with him but now school is starting and he has this aweful tendancy to be really jerky when he is stressed. i can be too of course, but i mean that he does all this really passive aggressive stuff ...anyway without getting too much into it, this had been going on for a few days, and i kept trying to overlook it ( probably a mistake buti didnt want to get in an argument with him, and was trying to be compassionate that he was stressed---usually i insist we talk about every little thing so i was trying a new tack...)<br><br>
anyway yesterday he said some stuff to me that just took the cake as far as hurting my feelings goes. my initial reaction was anger, but i have been working on that, so i quickly sorted it out and realized i was hurt, not angry, and i wanted to stay out of attack mode. this exhange happened at his job anyway so i just had to leave.<br><br>
so i got home and tried to resolve to handle it differntly, but after about an hour, dh comes up to me and says "i am sorry for what i said earlier but i was mad" and went into the other room, as if it was a minor thing, and we should just forget about it, and he wasnt interested in how i felt about it.<br><br>
at that point i walked over to him and started explaining to him that my feelings were deeply hurt, partly because it had been going on for days ( he cussed me out and slammed my cardoor in my facethe day before yesterday---and i hope you can believe i was not acting that way toward him when he did it)<br><br>
theres all kinds of other stressors going on, so having this also just really makes coping with school harder.<br><br>
ok i am rambling on. long story shorter, i end up crying , and yelling through my tears at him. i havent cried like that since i was PG a year and a half ago. so i am crying and my voice is getting dramatic and loud. i am just loud. i SO wish i wasnt, because i think the neighbors can hear me...and i dont even know if they can. i wasnt swearing or insulting him just saying things like "look that was just really mean, and it hurt my feelings" etc. i am glad Ds was sound asleep , btw.<br><br>
i am sure my neighbors think we are beating each other or something, if they do indeed hear. thing is we are loud alot when we are happy too, roughhousing with ds and all that, singing, laughing, etc. im a loud kinda gal i think. and we are happy much more than we ever argue. i think we argue like once a month these days, and it isnt a loud one every time, and this one was definatly the loudest we have had in this house.<br><br>
do any of you think your neighbors hear? i feel like i cant go outside in daylight!!!!! i feel so ashamed , even though part of me thinks it is perfectly normal and acceptable that people just get emotional sometimes. i Do work on it, and have gotten like 90 % better in the last 5 years. i come from an abusive home where you are suposed to be ashamed of everything, so i cant tell if my neighbors think we are aweful or what. i almost feel like writing them a letter of apology and explaination.<br><br>
thanks for reading,<br><br>
gotta get ready for school!
 

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If it helps, we hear our neighbors fighting sometimes. Just yelling and screaming... It doesn't wound violent, just mad!<br><br>
Then we see them outside, all happy and normal.<br><br>
I don't think anything about it. I just think about what I know- how they are newly married, have the stress of finishing their house off and living next to both sets of ILs...<br><br><br>
Everyone fights sometimes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i was kinda hoping someone that heard people fight would respond...thanks for saying that i need to hear it. cuz of my upbringing, fighting=evil and bad....
 

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I think it's normal to hear neighbors argue from time to time. Even when the arguing gets loud!<br>
My neighbors fought loudly but it wasn't so much the volume as the things they said to each other that made me feel icky. Every fight they had was "the end" with the man screaming at her to pack her sh** and get the F out of his house. They were really nasty to each other and said horrible things that the entire neighborhood could hear at 2 am.<br>
I can think of 2 "yellers" that my dh and I have had in this house over the last 3 years. They didn't involve threats or cursing and it wasn't in front of our (or anyone else's) children. I think when you live in a neighborhood or an apartment you will "hear" other people living their lives from time to time.
 

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They hear us and I hear them. And you know what? I like to hear them fight, it makes me feel normal!<br><br>
Good luck with your dh, enjoy the week end and try to relax!!!!
 

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Strringleaf.....I used to hear my neighbors yell and scream, and i have to admit, it scared me! and if it scared me, how did their kids feel? I can tell you what they told me....that they hated it, that the little one would cry and hide under the covers. these people lived right next door, and our kids played together.<br><br>
the occasional loud voices dont necessarily bother me, but if i can hear a fight going on, and a woman crying, then yes, it does bother me, gives me a knot in my gut.<br><br>
I am not a yeller, and neither is my husband, he has raised his voice at me maybe 5 times in the 20+ years we have been together. Maybe we arent the normal ones!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
well thats exactly the kind of judgement i am afraid people are passing on me, and they dont even know us, for our whole selves. there have been a couple times of swearing at each other, but mostly it is just loud upset-ness.<br><br>
i think for the most part we have a beautiful existance. i want to know how to stop yelling for sure. so if you arent a yeller and yo have been married 20 years, do you consider you and your dh to have any negative faults in your interactions? i am not asking this sarcastically at all. i really want to know if there are couples out there in the world that dont fight because i HONESTLY hold myself up to a standard of perfection, but i dont know if it is realistic. but maybe it is, maybe people really can act how i wish i could. i seriously would really like to hear aobut that. it would help me.<br><br>
cuz i feel like the very worst problem me and dh have is this, and i am grateful that is all i have to say negative about our relationship. the problem with this trait of ours is its not easily hidden from view, so i think neighbors get an opportunity to jump to conclusions about how awful our life must be. but we actually worked out yesterdays thing the best we could---and no one sees that.<br><br>
thats why i am so embarased to go outside. i understand yelling and crying can be scary. ds was not awake and was in another room. he rarely ever sees us fight. i know if i heard yelling i would be concerned....except for knowing its not always as bad as it sounds...<br><br>
to those who think it is awful to hear , tell me how you would react if the yellers wrote you a letter of apology to try to be a nice neighbor...<br><br>
ds is throwing a truck at the computer ovr and over <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: i better go, lol
 

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Strringleaf,<br>
I am in no way passing judgement. at all. i thought you wanted to know what people thought. I get scared when i hear fighting. this to me is not passing judgement. i just get frightened. Is that so bad?<br><br>
What the neighbors kids told me is the truth.<br><br>
As for me and my husband, do not think for one second, that because we dont yell and scream, that we dont argue and fight like couples do! I personally, am just "not a yeller" during and argument. As for my husband, as mad as he gets, as angry and frustrated as i can make him, he<br><i>does not yell.</i> This is his style, most likely because of his father beating the crap out of his mother. This does not make him a saint, just like your yelling doesnt make you guys domestic violence poster children, kwim? There is no name calling, no physical intimidation of any kind. he does not roll eyes, we dont laugh at each other. no mocking. No one likes to fight, but we must feel safe enough to share our feelings, no matter how stupid and trivial they might seem. For the most part, i feel that i can be vulnerable, i can say things that he might want to roll his eyes at, kwim? thats fighting fair. am i making any sense? and after 20 yrs, we kinda have the kinks worked out as far as fighting goes.<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">well thats exactly the kind of judgement i am afraid people are passing on me</td>
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I feel really bad, that you think this. i was just being honest about how i felt when my neighbors yell. i know people fight, and emotions run high, its just that i get nervous. i apologize if you felt i was judging you.<br><br>
Unfortunately, our neighbors *do not* know our whole selves, only what they think they see, and what they might hear. They do not know the truth of our existance.<br><br>
Again, please dont feel like i was judging you because i said i felt scared and nervous when i hear my neighbors fighting.<br><br>
Warmly, Lisa
 

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I'm a yeller. Dh is not, oh but the smug self-assured way he repeats himself and doesn't listen to what I am yelling can make me yell worse. I feel a little funny sometimes knowing that my neighbors have heard us. It helps that I talk to them sometiems and that they know us a little. Maybe try chit chatting with them. It also helps to remember that people are so focused on themselves that your neighbors are probably more consumed with what you think of them (nothing) than what they think of you (probbaly nothing as well).<br><br>
But, really, I don't care that much. I think it is because I grew up in a house with no yelling, but a constant unhappy tension. I guess I prefer confrontation to that any day, which means that I am not ashamed of yelling. I think your trepidation about your neighbors stems more from your own shame.<br><br>
Not that I want to be a yeller. It is something I'd like to work on, but I am not particularly ashamed of this trait of mine (the way I am ashamed of spending all my time on mDC instead of writing teh dissertation :0 )<br><br>
I would never think bad of someone for having a yelling fight, depending on the content. As a poster above said, yelling nasty things to each other - name calling etc - would make me think there was something wrong in the relationship.
 

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Yes our neighbors hear us sometimes. I've gotten a LOT better about yelling in the past few years but just sometimes it gets to be too much, and I start off talking about what's bothering me, but Dh is feeling like a butthead and either ignores me, or says something to push my buttons on purpose, and then my voice starts getting louder...<br><br>
It happened for the first time in our new place a couple of nights ago... I felt really bad, because one of our neighbors is a mom with quite a few kids (she does in home daycare, so I'm not sure how many are her's and how many she watches)... at our old place I'm about 99% sure our neighbors dealt drugs, so it wasn't such a big deal. I did feel bad for yelling, but did EVERYTHING I could to not yell and left the apt to get away from the situation...<br><br>
So I really understand what you're feeling... I feel quite embarrased still.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
oh shoot sweetbaby , i didnt mean you were passing judgement. i appreciated your honesty in your post, and i should have made my appreciation more obvious. i tried to explain that i really wanted to know that stuff and i dint mean any sarcasm or malice in my post. i should have waited to post it ds was starting to cling to me and i wasnt writing as carefully. sorry that came off harsh, i didnt mean for it...i was trying to say thats what i am afraid people are thingking, that we ARE scary, or something like that, i didint think YOU pased judgement cuz you arent my neighbor, do you know what i mean?????<br><br>
even now i am writng quickly cuz i feel so dumb that i sounded that way. i can totally see it being read that way. i apologise!<br><br>
i have heard of books on "fighting fair" i am wondering if the way you and your dh fight is similar to what the "experts" say people should do? or is it differnt? whenever i look at that kind of thing i feel like it is like any book , for instance parenting books are helpful to a point but then you end up with parenting situations that dont have "textbook" peramiters, you know???<br><br>
i want to fight fair. i want to be married to DH forever! i want us to have that kind of life and relationship.<br><br>
you guys never roll your eyes at each other??? dh always does that and i tell him it is hurtful and i hate it, but i never thought of it as abusive. is it? he shakes his head and stares at the cieling too. i am not sure if i do it but i think i dont. i am too vocal for that i think. i do interrupt, but i think that is more like inept communicatin than abusive..<br><br>
i liked what all you guys had to say, this has all given me alot to think about and i am glad i braved it and posted about it. i think its true i project alot of shame onto the situation, big time. also i loved what someone said about how the neighbors probably arent as focused on me as i think they are, LOL. my mom used to say that to me about the kids at school , i think i have always felt under a microsope of my peers, its awesome you said that! a good reminder and kind of a relief!
 

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When dh and I lived in an apartment and had arguments (not abusive, just LOUD :LOL) & I felt bad afterward I'd just think of some passionate couple in Italy, and people not even thinking twice as they heard them from the street. That always made me feel better!
 

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bs"d<br><br>
I tend to yell during arguments. Dh is not a yeller, I am. I am working on it. I *know* my neighbors hear me. Sometimes if I am mad or just need to be left alone I scream. I mean I scream really loudly. It is really bad. As I said, I am working on it. I don't think my neighbors think too badly of me. We are friendly. I figure they just think I'm emotional. One of my neighbors yells when he argues. I hear him. I never hear his wife. I admit I think he is the more domineering one in the relationship, but I still think he's an okay guy. It may be that they are really happy together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> Their kids are great. Dh and I have a great relationship the vast majority of the time. Really, he's a perfect man (well, as perfect as they come <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ). We fight sometimes. I'm loud and obnoxious. It could be worse...
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by BinahYeteirah</i><br><b>bs"d<br><br>
I tend to yell during arguments. Dh is not a yeller, I am. I am working on it. I *know* my neighbors hear me. Sometimes if I am mad or just need to be left alone I scream. I mean I scream really loudly. It is really bad. As I said, I am working on it. I don't think my neighbors think too badly of me. We are friendly. I figure they just think I'm emotional. ...........We fight sometimes. I'm loud and obnoxious. It could be worse...</b></td>
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This is me and my hubby to a "T". I'm the yeller/screamer and he isn't at all. In our last house I *know* the neighbors would hear us, and I would feel horrendously embarrassed for days. We were friendly with them, so they at least knew we were decent people. This house isn't very close to our neighbors, but when we argue now, I look at the windows to check if they are open or closed, and that'll dicate my volume. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: I've been a lot better lately with the yelling though, so I'm proud of myself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
well, a couple of new developments. first of all , we decided to try a really modern approach to arguing....doing it on the Instant messanger! LOL. we really did this last night. it was a much smaller argument in the first place, just some dumb disagreement about me buying a cookbook<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: ....and earlier we had jokingly mentioned that we should just fight on the computer so no one can hear us.<br><br>
we have a laptop and a desktop and they are networked together so we can both be online at once (primarily for school , since we can only study when ds is asleep )<br><br>
i had twisted DHS arm into playng chess with me on the instant messanger so we were on it when the argument occurred. (yahoo has a chess game) somehow the subject came up , and we just decided to talk about it on the IM in our 2 separate rooms we were in. it was MUCH better. i still got all pissed off at him, but CAPITAL LETTERS are much quieter than my voice, LOL. so i could express myself as much as i wanted , less self counsciously, AND i could edit my words before sending, making it a little more civil on both our parts.<br><br>
it was so odd cuz there were a couple interruptions where we had to get up and talk to each other, and we just interacted w/eachother as if we werent even in an argument!!! it was like the argument was contained in the computer, and we could separate it from ourselves. i think thats a really neat tool for us. geeky , but neat.<br><br><br>
the other thing that happened was one of the interruptions. there was a loud speeding car that screeched to a stop outside of our house (residential street) then we heard the door slam, and a guy get out and start screaming VERY scarily. I just ran to the phone and dialed 911 it sounded so scary and bad and I thought it was someone getting the crap beat out of them against the car....anyway it turned out that the guy had smashed our neighbors windshield in with his FIST!!! it was about 11PM. we dont know if she knew him or what, but when we talked to the cop he said they had just caught a guy down the street that had a bloody hand! EW! very scary, and instantly made us realise that our problems really arent that bad!!!!<br><br>
ps this is not the same neighbor that we think heard us fighting...<br><br>
just thought i would share that...
 

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I would not write a letter. I wouldn't worry too much about your neighbors. You are only human. I am sure my neighbors, shoot, probably the whole street :LOL, have heard me yelling. I don't usually yell at dh that often, but I know they hear me yelling to the kids. Sometimes I am am too lazy to go to them so I yell....like if they are upstairs, or outside.... and sometimes I'm just fed up and I raise my voice. If they hear me they hear me. I'm just surprised the cops haven't been called yet. LOL Kinda funny, someone has called because of my dog barking twice, but never on me yelling. Guess you'd have to use certain words to really worry someone maybe?
 
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