Do y'all think this is NORMAL

My older son was a bit like this. He had a hard time during recess at preschool because he felt uncomfortable playing with kids in the absence of specific direction/structure. He hung back at birthday parties and wanted to sit with me or 'help' the hostess with things like clearing up or setting the table. He NEVER approached other children or initiated play. However, he did have ONE good close friend his age and he would spend hours immersed in imaginary play with her. It was group social settings that seemed to unnerve him. And he definately preferred to spend time with adults or older children.

He is almost 9 yo. now -- and still appears somewhat uncomfortable in groups where there is no agenda or plan. But he pulls it off better than he used to -- no more panic or freak outs. He had no trouble developing friendships in 1st grade. In fact, he has 3 "buddies" at school and they have been very close for 3 years now. He would do anything for these guys. And they for him.

I really think it has to do with his personality and what he is comfortable with. Has your DN had much opportunity to play 1:1 with a child who has similar interests to his own? It might go better.

I am not sure I understand what the debate is about. I realize it is important to your family, and I respect that. But as an outsider, you are describing a child who basically does parallel play or interacts with adults. A 4yo who does not particularly like to play with other 4yos. And you are trying to understand why. Do I understand?

Must there be a deep answer of why beyond the fact that 4yo just doesn't like to play with other children so much? It sounds like he is basically happy and secure-- separates well from parents, happy to go, polite behavior. If anything it sounds like this child knows what he likes to do.

Or is it that the child won't budge if the activity doesn't meet his goals or wants? Will the child try new foods or activities if an adult is doing it with him?

If 4yo did not like art (drawing, painting, clay what have you) would you be worried?

I'm truly not understanding what the "problem" is, although I respect that you see one. To me it seems like a case of a child with his intellectual development ahead of his emotional development which is pretty normal to have mismatches there in both directions. He has chosen the comfort of staying within his intellectual comfort zone to make up for the discomfort he feels in his emotional zone, at least around kids his own age. My oldest daughter is like that (she's 10now and still intellectually ahead of her emotional side).

Best wishes.

If he is happy, I wouldn't be concerned. If I had a child who wanted to play with other children but didn't know how or had some other fear getting in the way, that's different than a child who is simply content to play alone.

There are all kinds of reasons for not liking birthday parties. Maybe he doesn't like noise or crowds? I'd use this to your advantage; that way you don't have to attend so many birthday parties! I don't like them myself...

Well - I have a four year old very much like the one you describe and I consider him normal

He just prefers to talk to adults and has been verbally advanced since he started talking at a young age. At preschool his teachers tell me he has a hard time breaking into the peer group, but that he was coming around by the end of the year. Everyone has different personalities. Just like a previous poster mentioned, my sons teachers tell me that they feel he is intellectually advanced, but that his emotionally maturity needs to catch up. They feel that he will catch up and that you can't force stages.

If he seems happy - I would not worry about it. If he is not maybe you could think of a way to help him. For instance have his mom invite a preschool friend over to play one on one with him.

ellen

The more I think about it I wonder are you my sister - in -law???

ha

Well, I have a 3 1/2 year old just like that! And I was the same way as a child, so I understand it. As others have said, I think it goes along with kids who are intellectually ahead and socially a little behind.

My daughter has been in preschool for this school year, and I do think it's helped a little bit. She now will say hello to the other kids, instead of ignoring them. She is also enjoying playdates with a friend who's a little older (5), and they do play together some of the time. The friend is pretty laid-back, and they're both really good at taking turns, so that works. My daughter lets the older girl sort of direct, but they negotiate until they're both happy, and I think that experience is good.

The thing that used to disturb me was when another kid would approach and say "do you want to come play (x)" and my daghter would say 'no.' and walk away. She doesn't do that as much anymore, but if anyone has suggestions of how to handle it, I'd love to hear them. I tried suggesting to her that if she didn't want to play that game, that she could suggest something she did want to play, but I think some of the problem was just that she wasn't ready to play with other kids at all.

If it helps, I outgrew this aroud high school age. I'm still pretty quiet in social situations, tend to listen more than I talk, have trouble keeping a conversation going by myself, still tend to spend the most time with people older than myself (and marreid someone substantially older), and don't make close friends easily. But I do have friends whose company I enjoy, and generally I do okay.

I'm not sure what normal is, but it's normal for my son. And I agree with Greaseball, it gets you out of birthday parties, which I hate attending.

With my son I think he is just like both his father and I: not team players. I don't like groups and group dynamics/participation and camp-like "let's all do it together" attitudes. Neither does DP. We like to hang back and observe. That doesn't mean we haven't enough great friends, but that we prefer to visit one on one. I'm always bowing out of stuff that has more then 2 or 3 people involved.

DS seems to be comfortable with similar situations. I don't think he's ahead of his peers, but has learned as an only child to play well by himself and like playing on his own. He has several close friends (kids of friends of DP and I) who he has been playing with since infancy but when we play with those friends we don't play with with them all at once. We see them on different days. DS also has sensory issues with sound so a group of laughing kids can cause him pain.

I think it's also fairly common at this age not to want to always join in witha group because this can be such a bossy/directing age and kids don't often say "let's play this" but rather "come here. do this." followed by grabbing hands or t-shirts and DS hates being directed (as do his mom and dad).

If DN is happy I wouldn't bat an eye at it.

I *was* a 4 yo just like that, though I think I was a bit more at ease with other kids than what you're describing.

Today we went to storytime with some people in my mothers' group and afterwards they were playing red light, green light on the sidewalk area. Dd proceeded to skip and totally ignore the game. Then she talked another mom's ear off during lunch at Johnny Rocket's. Part of hers is not being in a preschool situation. But some of us are just more comfortable with people either older or younger than us.

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Grr. With all due respect, I think the willingness to hand out a medical diagnosis for every little normal difference between children is a HUGE PROBLEM in our society.

Why must we pathologize every child who is a little different? Since when did enjoying the conversation of adults over other four year olds suddenly become a neurological disorder?



Have you ever listened in on the average four year old's conversation? Maybe this kid is just SMARTER than his parents think, and I'll bet they think he's pretty darn smart.

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Oh my gosh, that's dh and me! I hate when the "team" stuff is wheeled out. LOL. And both dh and I used to absolutely *beg* our Moms to let us skip birthday parties; it was such a relief to us when we learned we both had that issue.

Anyway, my 4yo doesn't generally like playing with other 4yo boys, although it's been getting a bit better. They don't play the way he likes to play, they're often rough, and they won't chat with him about the Solar System. But older kids and adults will really let him bend their ear and then they will give him positive attention. We don't have ds1 in preschool, mainly because he would just shut down in a group of kids. But one-on-one situations are usually successful. He's a classic introvert like his parents.

Now with Asperger's, don't those children usually lack humor and imaginative play? Does your nephew engage in imaginative play? I think, personally, introverts are often viewed in our society as problems to be fixed. Over 75% of us are extraverts, so the vast majority of people just don't understand why a person wouldn't adore team stuff. I had an online argument with someone once who really thought I was doing my then-3yo a disservice by not putting him in kid social situations every day. I couldn't get through that he didn't desire being with other kids except maybe once a week and that some of us just don't *want* to be in someone's face every day. Introversion is so misunderstood, I think.

What sort of "abnormal" things, specifically, do other people note about him? My 4yo really stands out in many ways, but he's not abnormal. He's not a happy-go-lucky, bubbly, outgoing kid and some extraverted people don't understand that at all.

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From that I'd say he is a normal introvert. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert! If the only "problem" is that he is happy playing alone, happy talking to adults and just doesn't dig a whole crowd of 4 year olds then I'd say the real problem is with the people judging him. Your nephew sounds like a wonderful child to me.

My dd is 5, an introvert, and does much better playing with one or two kids. In a crowd of kids she generally prefers to go off on her own.

Her strengths-
very good at self-directed play
bright and imaginative
an independant thinker- not a follower... less likely to succumb to peer pressure
polite
talks well with adults and older children
and HAPPY

http://cfge.wm.edu/documents/Introversion.html