[witch's mom]

Six months ago, a nice family moved in next door to us and both my DDs made friends with the two girls who moved in. (The "big" girls are 7 and 8; the "little" girls will be 5 next month.)

I have no issues with the friendship that has developed between the big girls. They have fun together, they use kind words, they're considerate and civilized.

The younger girls, however . . . (I've posted about this relationship before, and this is the latest in the saga.)

Neighbor Girl has a very strong personality compared to my DD's more laid-back nature. She's lively and talkative and full of ideas. At first, my DD was reluctant to play with Neighbor Girl too often because NG wore her out with chatting, bossing, attempts to get her own way. Then DD got used to her, they found common ground and they play together on a regular basis--playdates that always are initiated by NG's insistent ringing of our doorbell. I successfully foiled this for awhile, simply by having a no weekday play session rule during the school year. But now it's summer.

I thought, when DD seemed enthusiastic about playing with NG, that things were okay. They spend a lot of time playing at NG's house, at NG's request, and many of the days they play at our house are the days when I'm at work and DH is the parent in charge. He has made a few comments about NG's bossiness, but he never seemed alarmed. NG's mom also has said she has intervened several times because her daughter is so bossy.

Well, last week, my DD had a bit of a breakdown about this friendship. It started because she was over at NG's house, wanted to come home, and NG argued and argued and begged her stay. DD didn't want to hurt NG's feelings, so she stayed. As she talked to DH and me and older DD about this, she sobbed and said NG bosses her, talks too much, and "makes me forget what I want to do." She kept saying she KNOWS she can leave any time she wants, and she KNOWS she can tell NG's mom she's ready to go home, but that she didn't want to hurt NG's feelings or get her "in trouble."

DD is highly sensitive and is in many ways a victim of her own emotions here. She feels things very deeply and intensely, and she applies that to her friends as well. It makes her a very sweet friend, a bit of a bleeding heart, but we worry that it's putting her at a disadvantage. Like she's trading her own needs for the sake of others' possible feelings. So we decided that we needed to help her stick up for herself in this relationship with NG. We planned to lessen the frequency and length of play sessions with NG, and to stay closer so we could help the girls if heated issues came up.

Then, a couple days later, I had the opportunity last week to listen to these girls as they "played" together. NG is not just bossy. She verbally overtakes DD with commands, threats, high-pressure manipulative tactics. She obviously can't stand the idea that DD might "win" in any situation, be it attention, accolades, the bigger cookie. There's lots of one-upping. Lots of tattling on DD for "not playing nicely." Almost every suggestion DD makes is "boring." I heard phrases used that are against the rules in our house, where gentle communication and consensus-building are required--around here, if there's dissention, no one person "gets their own way."

Here's an example: In an attempt to get DD to agree to play over at her house (when DD really wanted to play here for a change), NG said the following, some things several times: "I'm your guest so you have to do what I want to do." "Please please please? (whining, near sob) I really want to go play over at my house!" "But you have to do what I want or else I won't be your friend!" "But my mommy will be really mad if you don't do what I want to do!"

I intervened and helped the girls reach a compromise that worked reasonably well for them both--half the playtime at our house, half the playtime at their house. (DD actually came up with this solution, and was thrilled and proud. Although NG agreed, I later heard her accuse DD once of not being very nice because she didn't do what she wanted.)

I was astonished by the poor example of friendship here, and by my own DD's ready tendency to cave under the pressure. At one point, before I intervened, she caved and said, "Oh, all right!" in a resentful tone. (To which NG asked tenderly, "Why are you sad?") Also, DD's body language indicated that she wasn't happy with this decision. Slumping, sucking her thumb. Her general reaction to NG during that particular playdate was "weary." In the past, her reaction to NG's bossiness has been "passive resistance," where she just wouldn't do whatever it was NG was telling her to do. (This would drive NG nuts and cause her to tattle on DD for not playing nicely.) But I didn't see any passive resistance. She just seemed ground down.

I guestioned both my DDs about some of the things NG said and they said yes, she says things like that often. ("It's my house so you have to do what I say" is apparently the other form of "I'm your guest . . .") DH said that he has intervened a few times when he's heard unfriendly language, but that most of what he heard was squabbling about who got what. Sort of like sisters, he said.

I've not had a frank discussion about any of this with NG's mom, a woman who seems very reasonable, although we've not really become friends--more due to lack of time and effort than anything else. We've had conversations about the little girls in the past, she has expressed concern that her daughter overbosses mine, and has many times told me stories about her daughter that caused her great frustration as a parent. In those conversations, I now see, I was far too polite and dismissive of any possible problem for my own DD. And at this point, I'm not eager to have a conversation with her about it. I believe she's aware of her kid's problems, and I believe it's our job to take care of our own kid's problem. Plus there's not much I could say to her that wouldn't be hurtful, and I don't see that accomplishing much.

I'm ready to squash the "friendship." I don't see it as healthy for DD. This neighbor kid is bringing negative things into our household, and I don't see her as any sort of a good friend for my daughter. However, these people are our next-door neighbors, the older girls are good friends and, most troubling, the younger girls believe they are best friends. Also, these younger girls will be starting kindergarten together later this summer, so there's no getting away, in a sense.

How do I extricate my child from this relationship? Or would I be violating her rights somehow by doing so? Am I making too big a deal out of what's "normal" behavior for girls this age? Do you mamas choose your kids' friends?

 

[khrisday]

I think what you're describing is fairly normal, if frustrating behavior. I would have a discussion with your dd about this before deciding to end the friendship. If she wants to continue seeing this girl, why not just have them play at your house so that you can keep an eye on what's going on? I would make a point, for a while at least, to be in earshot of where they are playing, and intervene gently whenever you hearsomething that is problematic for you. If I hear a child saying something that is against our rules while at our house (like name calling)- I call them on it. I won't let my kids call names, and I won't let another child call names here, either. If they told my child they got their way because they were the guest, I would probably just walk by and make a comment that they needed to share and take turns, and compromise, and neither of them would get their own way all the time. My son had a friend who was similar, and I found that after a couple weeks keeping a close eye on them and intervening frequently, he "got" the rules at our house.

 

[Kinipela79]

We have a neighbor boy (4 yrs old) and girl (7) and my son and the little girl play wonderfully together. The boy on the other hand punches, hits with toys, screams at and pushes my ds. My ds is not the type to "fight back" and it frustrated me that this was going on. The parents don't do anything...just say "now I know you didn't MEAN to hurt him and you were just PLAYING but let's try not to do that". So I just kept after him telling him not to hit ds and I told my ds that he could forcibly say "DON'T hit me...I DON'T like it and if you keep doing it I am going to go inside!" It's hard with overly gentle children to make them understand that it's ok to want other people to respect you and that you don't have to let it slide. Your daughter needs to learn that it's good to stand up for herself...because even if you can keep her from this friendship...you can't be there all the time - like at school or later in life when she is off doing her own thing. KWIM??

Quote:

So we decided that we needed to help her stick up for herself in this relationship with NG.

Do this!!!! Role play A LOT...make sure she knows that you won't be upset if she stands up for herself. I think my ds might have thought I would have been upset if he "fought back" and while I don't want him going around punching anyone - I have no problem with him pushing this kid off him.

I know your dd is only 5 but I have a friend who is 24 and the same way and it's really been bad when it's come to the 'men' in her life. I hope you get it figured out.

 

[BunnysMomma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by witch's mom Or would I be violating her rights somehow by doing so?

No, absolutely not. A young child (your daughter is 4, right?) has the right to be protected from things she isn't ready to deal with and things that aren't healthy for her. It sounds like the "friendship" with this girl is overwhelming for your daughter, and my first thought upon reading what she said about her encounter with the girl made me think, "She's asking her parents for help!" I'm very concerned by your description of your daughter as "weary" and "ground down" and your observations of her body language. That's *not* what healthy play is about!

Quote:

Am I making too big a deal out of what's "normal" behavior for girls this age? Do you mamas choose your kids' friends?

No, I don't think you are, and I don't think this is normal behavior. If it happened occasionally, that would be one thing. Everyone feels bossy and rude sometimes, but it sounds like that type of behavior is this girl's modus operandi. In my opinion, I don't think you're doing your daughter any favors by continuing to expose her to this girl.

I think that you should talk to your daughter. Tell her the things you've told us (in an age-appropriate way) and let her know that you are worried that this situation is too much for her to deal with on her own. My suspicion is that she'll be very relieved to hear you say this. Ask her whether she wants to continue to be friends with this girl. If she does, let her know that that's fine with you, but that there are going to be some new guidelines for the friendship. I don't think picking just one day a week that's "neighbor girl playdate day" is unreasonable. Also, keep the playdates at your house for a while, and intervene when you feel you need to. Teach the other girl the rules of your home, and don't be shy about sending her on her way when she breaks them. She'll learn soon enough that if she can't follow the rules, she can't play with your daughter.

Additionally, I think you should talk to your neighbor about why you are changing the rules about the playdates. She deserves to know; wouldn't you want to know if it were your daughter? I think there are ways you can do this without hurting or offending your neighbor. It seems that she's already aware of the problem. Keep the focus on what you've observed about your daughter; you don't have to blame her daughter for anything. I think it would be a disservice to this family if you didn't help clue them in to the fact that their daughter's behavior has gotten so bad.

I'm sorry if I sound bossy myself! It's very loud here right now, and I'm trying to be concise. I tried phrasing everything in the "if this were me and my daughter" way, but it ended up sounding very abstract and wordy. But this is just what I'd do if it were me and my daughter, not a "you must do this!" proscription!

Wilma

 

[witch's mom]

Thanks everyone, for your replies so far. Keep em coming!

Wilma, yes, I have talked with my DD about the situation and actually asked her if she wants to play with NG. She said yes, that NG is "a nice little girl" and her friend. And she absolutely did ask for our help, saying quite specifically, "Mommy, help me remember what I want." I find that she can be very clear about what she wants when this child isn't standing on our doorstep. And she doesn't bug to play with her if we're otherwise busy. Also, under gentle questioning from her own older sister during the big family discussion last week, little DD said that she would choose any of her other friends to play with over NG. So I believe that she has some affection for NG, but that she would pretty easily give that up if she weren't faced with this kid on a regular basis.

I also have a hard time believing this stuff is normal. DD's got several other friends who she sees on a regular basis, and I've never heard them use these high-pressure tactics. Sure, they might squabble or play better one day than another, but for the most part they negotiate with little difficulty. Honestly, in situations where the dynamics were poor too many times, we've not pursued those playdates. I don't think being around poorly behaved children is the way to socialize a sensitive child. I realize this might be setting little DD up for some hard knocks come kindergarten, but I'm a big believer in letting them be as mature as possible before being asked to negotiate some of life's challenges.

Still, kindergarten looms, and I think it's unrealistic of me to think I can squash the relationship with this neighbor child, who will be in her class. Instead, I'd like to use these last few weeks of summer vacation to put some firmer boundaries around the relationship and help my DD stand up for herself with this girl. I know she can stand up for herself, because I've seen her do it with other children. She might be sensitive, but she's also very confident and outspoken, with a very strong sense of what's right and what's wrong, especially when something occurs with a kid who she doesn't know well. I expect she'll have little difficulty saying, "Hey, I don't like that," to a classmate, but because she feels like NG is her friend, she's grown sensitive to NG's feelings and doesn't want to hurt them in any way. Also--and perhaps this is giving NG too much credit--I think NG has figured how to push DD's buttons.

The comment one of you made about "men" is exactly my fear for little DD's future. I can SO go there with this!

And, Wilma, I took no offense at your "tone." Direct works for me!

Eagerly awaiting even more wisdom from you all . . .

 

[Piglet68]

I'm reading this thread with interest. I sort of believe that we really can't control who their friends are, that this little girl is just a normal example of the sort of bossy personality that your DD is certain to encounter as she grows and interacts more with others. I don't think there is anything you can do or say to the parent to change this little girl's behaviour.

I agree with many of the suggestions above, that talking to your DD is helpful. Sounds like she isn't ready to dismiss this friendship, in which case perhaps your job is to help her via role playing, and lots of intervention, to stick up for herself, and deal with NG's dominating personality. You also might want to ensure that most of the playdates are held at your house to give your DD a chance to practice this under your supervision. You could also ask your DD if she would like to limit her playdates with NG, and maybe you could step in as "mean ol' mama" to "enforce" some rules that would give your DD this "out".

Heck, maybe you can also talk with NG next time the two are over, and help HER be a better friend, too. You don't have to be critical of her, just say things like "you know, it might help DD if you asked her this way, instead of that way"...stuff like that.

It's a very tough situation. Given that the girl lives next door, I really don't see how you are going to end this relationship, or even strongly curb it, without hurt feelings and a bit of a nasty air about the whole thing going around your neighbourhood. So I think your only choice is to listen closely to what your DD wants from the friendship, and help her get that, and help her learn to acheive her goals of "remembering what she wants".

I think she can come through this intact, wiser for the experience, and without harm so long as you keep a very close eye on this. Sort of reminds me of looking after a baby and having to "hover" over them to make sure they don't get into trouble.

 

[nonnymoose]

It sounds like both you and the other mom are in tune with your kids, so I'd definitely have a chat with your neighbor. This may be an opportunity for both girls to learn about the effect their behavior has on others - five is plenty old enough to learn about cause and effect! If your daughter realizes it's okay to stand up for herself and come home, the other girl will quickly become aware that being bossy will result in her spending a lot of time by herself. Since your daughter is still interested in playing with the other girl (and boy, is she tolerant) perhaps you and your neighbor can sit down with them both and have a talk. It may be a little bit uncomfortable, but it's a whole lot better to nip it in the bud than to have the neighbors daughter grow up with no friends! I don't think you have anything to worry about with your daughter. She may be compliant, but she doesn't strike me as a pushover, just very easygoing.

 

[ja mama]

We have neighbor children friend issues also. What we have found to work for us is only letting them come play if I'm available to babysit their playdate. I have also started sending them home when they aren't treating my ds with respect or are being too rough with out possessions. I take the responsibility, and tell them they can play at our house another time when they are willing to follow our rules. I let ds play in their yards, but he's not allowed in their houses. There is one neighbor boy that doesn't play often anymore because he says I'm too mean. But ds needs me to provide a safe place for him here. He is too sweet to stand up to other boys that he likes.

 

[Ceili]

Quote:

Originally Posted by witch's mom Well, last week, my DD had a bit of a breakdown about this friendship. It started because she was over at NG's house, wanted to come home, and NG argued and argued and begged her stay. DD didn't want to hurt NG's feelings, so she stayed. As she talked to DH and me and older DD about this, she sobbed and said NG bosses her, talks too much, and "makes me forget what I want to do." She kept saying she KNOWS she can leave any time she wants, and she KNOWS she can tell NG's mom she's ready to go home, but that she didn't want to hurt NG's feelings or get her "in trouble."

When I was in high school my parents used to make me "check in" on a regular basis and we had code words that we would use so that if I got in a situation that I wanted a graceful way out of, I had them to use as an excuse.

It might me helpful if your daughter had to come home and check in hourly (or whatever) so that she had a way to get out of there without the "blame" being placed on her shoulders.

 

[mocha09]

This could be a great opportunity to have supervision and intervention for your dd in dealing wtih this type of person (who she will encounter a lot in life). She could get a lot of practice under your guidance before having to deal wtih this at school.

I agree that it sounds like limits to your house and within earshot are good strategies, so that you can model standing up for yourself and help dd when the problem arises.

ETA: Also good opportunities here to discuss and remind your dd of what it is *she* wants to do and *who* she wants to do it with... maybe checking in each morning to see how she wants to spend her day, who she wants to play wtih, and gently reminding her if need be, reinforcing her right to choose how to spend her time?

 

[Sierra]

I too think that this can be a valuable experience for your DD as she learns how to deal with people who are on the other end of the personality spectrum. These are important skills that will come in handy, especially during the teen years. I whole heartedly agree that if she wants to continue the friendship, "Teach the other girl the rules of your home, and don't be shy about sending her on her way when she breaks them. She'll learn soon enough that if she can't follow the rules, she can't play with your daughter." But more importantly, the role playing and other ideas to help your daughter learn to cope are great! Yes, yes! Do that! The only other thing I can suggest-- and this may not be possible with your schedule-- is if your daughter would enjoy it, set up more playdates with your daughter and her other friends. If you set up playdates outside of your home, your daughter wont have so much time at home when NG can come asking to play. If you set them up at your home (while simultaneously doing the role plays with your daughter, etc.), should NG come over, having more kids playing together may very well alleviate pressure on your daughter.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I think this is probably normal for this child. Personalities come in all forms and on all ends of the spectrum, and this child is probably in need of some help (firm limits with friends, etc.) so she can express her personality in healthy ways, but I don't think it is "pathological" by any stretch of the imagination.

Sierra

 

[Aura_Kitten]

if it were me, i wouldn't allow NG to come over and play anymore.

while i understand what the other posters are saying, i'm speaking from my own personal experience: when i was a kid, i had a "friend" very much like your dd's. she was bossy, annoying, and downright mean ~ but i continued to ask my mom to let her come over and play, because i wanted friends and didn't have very many other people to play with.

well things in our "friendship" continued to escalate to the point where she was very actively controlling me... until finally one day i upset her (she blamed the incident on me, saying i made her do it because i made her mad) and she took a cup of glitter i had on my dresser for crafts and threw the whole thing in my face + eyes.

i ran out of the room screaming and literally spent over an hour having glitter picked + washed out of my eyes.

the only time i saw this girl again was at school (where she continued to torment me, and i'd go and hide from her).

while i'm not saying your dd's relationship with this girl will get to this point, it seems like that's where it's headed.

the relationship is based around one person's control, and IMO that's not an example of a relationship i'd want my own dd modeling when she gets older, kwim? and i'm sure it's not doing anything great for your dd's self-esteem, either.

 

[Sierra]

klothos, I am wondering if your experience might have been different had you had the assistance of all the interventions that people have listed throughout this thread, particularly having a parent send the NG home should she break the house rules...

 

[Aura_Kitten]

first, she wasn't a neighbor ~ her mom actually had to drive + pick her up, drop her off, etc, so even if we said, "you have to go home now," i still had to put up with her until then (and then get tormented for it at school the next day because i got her in trouble).

and also, my mom *did* try to go through role-play type stuff with me, and she talked to me repeatedly about standing up for myself, and how to deal with situations that started to get out of hand, before they were completely out of control...

but because i was so soft-spoken, and this girl was so much louder and more bossy, i would always back down, even when i knew that i wasn't having any fun. i didn't want to get her in trouble ~ not just because of the consequences to myself later at school, but also because i sincerely didn't want to see her upset, and at that young of an age, i honestly didn't know the difference between real upset and just pretending to try to get what she wanted.

 

[CerridwenLorelei]

home is where you are supposed to feel safe not bullied

It sounds as though the interventions, etc have not made much of a difference with this girl.
Is there any way you can ask that she be put in a different class in kindergarten to take some more of the pressure off??

 

[boobear]

In my early 30's I had a problem with a set of friends (married couple) who insisted I be over their house **all the time**. I'm laid-back and enjoy my down time. I partied a lot when I was younger and have no interest in drinking and socializing 2-3 times a week (they're about 8 yrs younger than me). It took me 2 years to get out of the relationship.. problem was they didn't do anything wrong (fed everyone, parties, outings) .. I had a hard time avoiding them without feeling guilty.

Well.. finally, I realized that even though they were "nice" they were very manipulative and self-serving. I agonized over this for a LONG time. I don't like to shout or argue, but did at least a few times to get these people to chill but they didn't hear it (which made me feel worse). I was painfully blunt (really!) and they still didn't hear it. Well, last year I think I sent her 2 emails in the spring and then I just stopped..I finally put my foot down on my own emotions. She called once after that (I'd screen calls because of her) and then sent a Christmas card that basically included an ultimatium - I laughed and tossed it in the trash. Good bye and good riddance.

As a child I can only imagine it being twice as difficult.

I definitely do guide my kids in regards to who their friends are without being obvious about it (I don't want to get into power struggles). It's hard enough to build good character and self-confidence without having to deal with other's problems. They'll have plenty of exposure to that later in life.

Edit to add.. I schedule family time everyday to do things like grocery shopping or take a trip to the library. Just start going during times they normally played. Get your daughter involved in a local group or club (explore to see what works). During your absence the neighbor girl may move on. Be firm and don't worry about what your neighbor's think.

And I agree with Jennifer's post on role-playing. I practice with my 9 year old, I'll say something negative and something about not inviting her to "my birthday party" and the my DD says "I'm sorry you feel that way.". Period, and just walk away without making a face. Fanning the fire only makes people regret things they say or escalates a situation. I explain to her that when someone says something bad it's like dominos and she can stop it by not responding in anger.

 

[mocha09]

Hmm. The people who say to end the friendship all have very valid points.

Maybe there is a middle ground? Maybe you can try limited/supervised visits for a few weeks, and if that's not working out and you see your dd isn't having fun, you can choose to end it?

What a dilemma! I'm so glad you posted this. It brought up so much important stuff and so many great perspectives.

 

[witch's mom]

So . . . today DDs invited the NGs to play over here for an hour. DH was listening and intervened a couple times, just enough to remind DD that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to do. Toward the end of the play session, all four girls went out in the garden; pretty soon, the little girls came in and I immediately saw DD was upset. Little NG had a handful of snap peas. Little DD said to me, "She wants all my peas!" NG said, "But I picked them so they're mine!" DD said, "You picked them all even though I didn't want you to!" and burst into tears. (These peas have been a pet project of hers all spring and she's a little obsessed with picking them when they're perfectly green and the "right" size.) NG argued, "But you picked them all last time. It was my turn! So now I get to eat them all!" I said, "Ladies, come here, let's see if we can work this out in a way that everybody can live with." So the two gathered around me and I simply said what I saw: DD is very upset. NG picked all DD's ripe peas. NG has all the peas in her hand. Immediately NG started handing peas over to DD, crooning to her that it was okay, she could have some of the peas. DD cried that she wanted ALL her peas. Then NG looked resentful. So I again said what I saw. Pretty soon, they reached an agreement that NG would take only one pea since she got to pick them all, and DD would have the rest. I asked them both to repeat the agreement they'd reached, and they did, happily. Problem solved.

Or so I thought. I sent them both to wash their hands before they ate the peas, and informed them that after they ate their peas, it would be time to end the play session. I heard whispering in the bathroom. So I went in there and DD was clearly upset again--resentful expression--and NG had two peas in her hand. DD complained that NG took another of her peas. I said I thought you had an agreement. NG argued that it wasn't fair, that DD had more peas than she did. I said you had an agreement, and at our house you stick to the agreement. NG continued to argue with me, so I told her to go on home now, that she was breaking our rules. She still argued with me! Meanwhile, the big girls were back, and big NG asked what was going on. I told her, and asked her to please walk her sister home, that we'd need to end the play session a few minutes early because little NG wasn't following our house rules. NG left with the pea. (I wasn't going to wrestle it out of her hand, but I'm annoyed that the kid still managed to win her way.) DD grumbled that NG left with her pea and I explained that NG would not be allowed to play with DD for awhile because she broke our rules.

The good thing that came out of this is that DH heard the whole thing, and he now is much more committed to monitoring this relationship. DH and I discussed it for a long time tonight. His impression was that NG cut a deal to win me over and get me to back off, then the minute she thought I was out of earshot, she went to work on DD. But he vascillated between "the kid's a bad seed" and "geez, she's not even 5 years old, honey, give her a break!"

I'd love to end the relationship right now, but I believe that would be very hard on little DD, particularly since she's looking forward to starting school with NG. And, no, I can't switch her class--I'm concerned to keep the class we have because of the teacher, who I believe is right for my sensitive DD and who I've heard won't put up with any crap like this out of any kid.

I SO appreciate everybody's replies so far. They have really helped me get some clarity on the problem. I DO worry about DD's future relationships, and whether this one will be formative in any way. I also am concerned that whatever action I take here is perceived accurately by DD. (I don't want her sobbing in her therapist's office in 20 years, "The best friend I ever had lived next door to me when I was 4, and then my @#$% mother wouldn't let me play with her anymore.")

Now I'm trying to decide whether to talk to NG's mom about this. I doubt it's anything she's not heard before, but I feel a little guilty making unilateral decisions about this relationship without telling her. But then I go back to the thought that my daughter is my responsibility and her daughter is hers. I know I couldn't get through a conversation with her without giving examples, and the examples I give would not be favorable toward her daughter. Is it really my responsibility to inform her of our choice to protect our daughter from hers?

 

[farmer mama]

Oh witch's mom, that is tough. I think that you should do what you have to, to protect your daughter. Your post could have been written about my friend's daughter, who is 5 and acts the same way. I agreed to watch her for a night or two and it ended up being a week (because the mom wanted time away from her kid!). I love the girl but after a few days my dd was "ground down" and wilting. My dd is a very happy and assertive kid, but she had a really difficult time being constantly harassed. My point is that some of the posts make it sound like your dd needs to learn to deal with people like NG, but it sounds to me like she isn't the problem, and at this young of age she needs adult guidance and intervention to help with these situations. And hopefully you can set up a boundary that will carry over into school situations. It sounds like the mom is an open person, so if it were me (and like I said, I have been in this situation and talked with the mom), I would just be open and say that I don't think my dd is doing well with this friendship and that the girls need to have some space from each other. Don't know if that helps, good luck.

 

[bunnybartlett]

My dd is only 2 1/2 and I am reading and learning what is in store for us.
I have an opinion on the pea story......

maybe I am a little harsh but I think you were really too nice to NG.I don't think she should be picking ANYTHING at all from your garden w/o asking first.Especially after your daughter asked her not too.I would have not let her have any of the peas and still sent her home...explaining that we don't do things around here unless we ask permission first.Then talk to her mother about her interest and maybe she could start a garden of her own.I just feel she invaded a major boundary of your daughters.You stated that this project was very important to her, and since she asked her not to pick them and the NG went ahead and did it anyway wasn't nice or right and shouldn't be rewarded with a compromise.

just my
2 cents

Linda
(who is glad you ladies are here to prepare me for all this stuff!!!