[mittendrin]

sometimes i mess up and get frustrated during the day with ds#1. it's hard right now with a newborn and we're all a bit on edge at times. so sometimes i lose it and yell at him. i feel awful for it and really wanna work on being more patient and gentle with him. it's working, i'm getting better, but sometimes i wonder why i never let dh know about problems we're having during the day. i mean, i never let him know after he gets home from work that i screwed up and yelled at our child. am i subconciously feeling ashamed and don't want to fess up?
do you guys tell dp about it when you're acting aggresive towards you children?

 

[monkey's mom]

Yeah, I do. In fact, he's the one I'm most likely to call in the moment or right afterwards. He gets it. He's lost it, too.

I think it's important to talk about (shame and all). My friends have a saying: "You're only as sick as your secrets." I like that--when I keep it to myself it starts to fester and feel like a lie; or worse, like the sum total of who I really am.

Good question!

 

[Kinipela79]

I do - he is my best friend (I know...hallmark card cheesy!

) and we tell each other everything and he is the one person I KNOW will understand me and know where I am coming from. It's refreshing and gets me back on track.

 

[TeaBag]

I couldn't function if I didn't tell dh everything, even the nasty, ugly details. He is the only person who truly knows me, down to my soul, and if I felt like I couldn't share something with him, I know I'd be more likely to lose it more often, I would feel off-centered.

I honestly think this is why I have such a hard time when he deploys. I can't tell him everything, when we do get to talk on the phone, it's severely limited, and he doesn't get emails all that often, it's hard. And I feel bad for doing something, and I can't *confess*, so to say, and then I yell again, and I feel worse, and it's this terrible cycle I get into. When he came home this time, it was so odd. I mean, seriously. We picked him up and came home to put the girls to bed (1am flight) while he and ds went to pick up his bags. They got home and I sat down next to him on the couch. Honestly, just having him there, his presence, I felt like I could straighten up and hold my head up for the first time in weeks....it was truly like the weight, the burden of doing everything, felt lifted, even though he hadn't done a single thing but sit next to me...

Okay, now who's sounding like a Hallmark commercial!?

: :LOL

 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Yes, I would/do. We have a pact that we will tell eachother if either of us is ever physically aggressive with DD but, thankfully, that hasn't happened yet.

But, I do tell him when I loose it in more minor ways. I do this mostly to give him a heads up that I need more help. Actually, telling him that I lost it is the best way to get what I need to prevent doing it again -- a freakin' break, YK?

How do you think SO will react if you told him something like this?

 

[Colorful~Mama]

nods. i do.
the one time I spanked our daughter (ok, single light swat on the tush, but still) i told him right away cuz i felt so horrible

Quote:

"You're only as sick as your secrets." I like that

I like that too.
I'd rather be honest about who i am, what i think and what i've done and then work on becoming a stronger better person then to walk around trying to convince myself i'm perfect and incapable of making mistakes ... or holding myself in higher esteem then others for their imperfections. To me that is sick.

 

[ma.petite.phia]

Yes, I defiantely tell my DH everything I do..during...after...he's a huge help and he doesn't make me feel bad about it or anything. I'll call him up and say: "I'm loosing my mind!!" I need to talk to him about it are it just gets worst and more frustrating because then there is distance between dh and I. If I had a rough day and don't tell him then i get bitter as anything if he walks in all jolly. So, i call him during the day and he knows and helps when he can make it home. He also talks to DD on the phone and it just helps so very much to blow steam sometimes and to have an understanding ear.

You should defiantely talk to your DH about your frustrations and actions towards your kids.

 

[mittendrin]

thanks guys. you made me realize that one gooood reason to tell hubby when i've had a bad day is cause he could actually help me out.
we have a pretty open relationship and i know he will understand i can't be supermomy all day.

 

[veganmamma]

Yes, because when I feel like a bad mom and need to talk about it, I feel better for having discussed it and processed it better, and when it's over he tells me I'm still the best mom ever. I need that on bad days, yk?

 

[organicbanana]

yeah... usually because of the need to purge guilt, and get input.
i talk to my best gf during the day 2 or 3 times, and she's got 2 kids, so we bounce things off one another constantly - helps me keep perspective, and reminds me that everyone's kids have those moments...
but it's always cathartic for me to talk to dh about things - since he knows the kids intimately, and has some good insights. we both have those 'incidents' where we lose our temper with the kids, and it's nice to have someone to call me on the floor when i'm yelling mad.

 

[katiecat]

I generally do but not necessarily all the gory details.

But I work ft and dh is a sahd and yes he does tell me when they have had/are having a rough day. The way he puts it is "we had a fight" or some such thing (it's just his way of saying ds has had a tantrum) - it's cute. Again, we don't necessarily tell each other every single detail of what happened but do let each other know when we've had a rough time.

Allison
mom to Callum 5/8/02

 

[NatureMama3]

Yes, because he is SOOOOOOOO intuitive about helping me find the REAL problem (which is rarely ever with the kids). We both give feedback at the end of the day on how we can both parent better the next day.

Plus, we don't keep ANYTHING from each other, this certainly wouldn't be the place we start.

 

[Brisen]

I don't, though I know it isn't helpful to just try and forget about it. I don't want to relive it, I guess, I just want to move on and try again. But this thread got me thinking, and I realize that he hasn't really known when I've been having the roughest times with the kids. We were talking about this recently, and he really didn't know what times since we have been parents have been the roughest on me. He was assuming that it was the times when he was away from home the longest hours (working & school), but it's been when I've been pg, I get moody and sometimes depressed. I think it wasn't obvious to him that pregnancy was so rough because it's physically pretty easy on me, I don't really look pregnant until I'm 7 mos, I don't get too tired, very little morning sickness, etc. But emotionally, I'm often a wreck.

I think it's a combination of not wanting to disappoint him, not wanting to go through my failures again when I have a chance to talk with him, and not wanting to feel like I'm whining and demanding help from him when I 'should' be able to do everything on my own. Wrong, I know, but it's just how I feel. I am working on it.

 

[shayelsmommy]

I do, and I think it helps both of us. DH sees that I'm not perfect and he also sees what I go through in an average day. I also get the cleansing effect of fessing up to my failures. But the most valuable thing is that we can sit down and problem solve - coming up with stradegies that will more effective the next time.

 

[wednesday]

Yes, because he'll be sympathetic to how frustrated I must have been feeling, and offer ideas of how I could handle a situation differently, and help reaffirm for both of us that our goal is to be gentle even if there are moments we fall short.

 

[littleteapot]

I do too.
Sometimes, because I want to feel like I'm still a good mom deep down, even when I make a mistake.
Other times, because I need him to tell me that really wasn't okay and I need to work on it, or come to him, or just take a breath.
Most of the time I tell him because I need to tell someone who will understand. Almost all my friends are childless, and those that aren't would think it was silly of me to feel bad for briefly losing my temper. DH is the only person who realizes how important GD is to me, because it is to him too.

 

[hipumpkins]

You know I don't confess b/c I had to really covince DH to go along with GD. He was of the spanking mindset so I feel like I have to show him constantly the better way to discipline. However, the stupidest thing is that I only ever lose my temper with DD at sleep time if she will not go to sleep. That bugs me b/c she can not help it if she isn't falling asleep. Otherwise DD,SO FAR is very agreeable and generally a lot of fun. (We haven't hit 2 yet)

 

[Aaudreysmom]

I tell him in bed at night. You can't keep those things inside. And you know you always feel better when you get it out in the open.

 

[Graceoc]

Absoutly - and he is the one I call in tears when I am on the verge or have already lost it. He is my 'GD' coach and has promised to help me get through 'my' issues so that I can be a better mother!

 

[Melissa S]

The only one time I confessed to DH that I had lost it I was 6 mo pg with baby #4, with two toddlers and a sassy 8 yo. We had just moved and DH had a job with very long hours and I was left to do all the unpacking myself. One evening all I wanted and needed to do was relax and the kids would not leave me alone. They were on edge from the move, feeling out of sorts because none of their stuff was unpacked and I imagine abit insecure as a result. They were clingy, needy, grouchy, and fighting with each other. I lost it that night. Yelling and both toddlers were dealt with with a rough hand. I confessed to DH and he would not speak to me the rest of the night. He was very upset about it and could not bring himself to forgive me for quite some time. So I tend to be very selective in what I tell him. He's my best friend in every other aspect but this is a sore spot for him as he was beaten as a child and I suspect when I lose it it brings back stuff for him. I think he projects his anger and unresolved emotions towards his parents at me when I'm not having a good day. His past issues also make him very protective of the kids. I'm hoping one day this can be resolved and we can find a closeness and trust in this area.