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...as if you're not allowed to fit in because you are a SN parent? Like everyone's quick to say "Oh, we support you, we love having you around, we think you're so strong, if you need anything..."<br><br>
But then when you do need something or want to talk, they don't really want to hear your problems? Like somehow, you'll ruin their happy little life with your reality?<br><br>
I never really understood why other SN parents limited themselves to their specific SN groups. I've always wanted to keep within the "mainstream" but lately I realized that Maura's issues do take up a huge part of my life. I can't ignore it. But when I tried incorporating my SN part of life into the more "mainstream", its like no one wants to get it - or very few do.<br><br>
People would be horrified if we talked about sticking SN kids in institutions. But at the same time, the world has yet to fully embrace the fact that these kids are part of society. We get stared at, chastized, criticized. Our kids can't do things others do, aren't invited to birthday parties, can't play on playgrounds safely.<br><br>
I'm just tired of people saying one thing but not backing up their words with actions when it comes to our kids.
 

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I feel exactly the same way.<br><br>
I feel like people say they understand but that if I want to talk, vent, cry, etc. they aren't there for me. They don't want to hear anything negative, it all has to be positive. There are a few people in my life that will listen but I still feel like they don't truly understand. At the same time I don't hold that against them because I don't expect that they can understand if they aren't going through it. All I want is validation of my feelings and for someone to say, "I don't understand but I am always here for you if you need to talk to me or you need a shoulder to cry on."
 

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I often hear 'If you need anything, ask' and there is very little follow-through. I lost a couple of friend's after D was born, because they could not handle it.<br>
They avoided talking to me to the point that it would have been excruciatingly awkward to breach the gap.<br><br>
I rarely speak to people IRL, besides a small group of people. Like, 8 people. No one else really wants to know how my day was, yk?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FancyD</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10692117"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I often hear 'If you need anything, ask' and there is very little follow-through. I lost a couple of friend's after D was born, because they could not handle it.<br>
They avoided talking to me to the point that it would have been excruciatingly awkward to breach the gap.<br><br>
I rarely speak to people IRL, besides a small group of people. Like, 8 people. No one else really wants to know how my day was, yk?</div>
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(Just kidding you because I can relate!)<br><br>
I once called up my SIL who has previously given me the "If you need anything, ask..." on her cell phone to ask her to bring me a gallon of milk. She acted surprised and said she couldn't she was at one of her children's baseball games. Then she asked me why I called her and I told her well you told me "If I ever needed anything..." and she actually said she didn't think I'd take her up on it!<br><br>
Bwa ha ha ha on me eh?<br><br>
What a dysfunctional extended family I have. Only people who have volunteered or certain older people ever get that yes I'd appreciate help.<br><br>
Sincerely,<br>
Debra
 

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tottaly, I got that attitude from our old church. "we are here if you need anything!" and when I asked......... I was ignored, shunned, and made to feel like I was imagining all of it. So we left.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I totally get this.<br><br>
I have very few friends. Only a few MDC friends that live locally would ever actually step out of their lives for a second to help me if I needed it. My RL friends outside of MDC? Pfft. Nope.<br><br>
If I'm lucky I get an "Mmmhmmm wow." when I talk about a bad day. Usually they just change the subject back to them.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">People would be horrified if we talked about sticking SN kids in institutions. But at the same time, the world has yet to fully embrace the fact that these kids are part of society. We get stared at, chastized, criticized. Our kids can't do things others do, aren't invited to birthday parties, can't play on playgrounds safely.</td>
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I think this is a crucial part of the puzzle. Until the world embraces people of all abilities, we will always just be that subset of society that people play lipservice to, but don't really want to be involved with.<br><br>
Aside from the general societal issues, I also struggle greatly with my IRL friends. I used to have a very strong network of close friends, but over the last two years, they have mostly drifted away. Thankfully, I have one very dear friend who also has kids with SN and understands.
 

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I notice this on and offline. I am marganlized because I "chose" medical food and a tube, but really, my kid would have died without them, eventually. WE've recently gotten great IRL from the UU church we attend without having to ask...They just set it all up and we had meals for 2 plus weeks after DD's surgery and offers of all kinds of help, even money if it got too bad. I wish I felt that accepted out side of the SN board here.
 

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wow, I'm not the only who feels this way? I've been thinking lately that maybe I should just stay home in my "bubble"<br><br>
My MIL asks how dd is doing, but doesn't wait for an answer. She tells me dd will be normal. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> (like the extra chromosome will just disappear) I snapped one day and told her "no, she won't" I don't want to be negative, but I need to live in reality not a fantasy world. Glad to know I'm not alone.
 

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<b>Yes, yes , yes.</b> I count myself fortunate that my one IRL good friend here where we've been stationed has a teenager with very similar behavioral issues to my 5 yo son, so she understands - for real.
 

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YES! Besides DH, there is no one else to really talk to about DD. We lost a friend because he thought we were too overprotective of DD (this was when she was 18 months...that made a lot of sense then and now that she is two years older).<br><br>
My parents just go on and on about how "good' she is doing and totally ignore all the therapy, Dr. and Dental appointments and do not help at all. Same with MIL, she doesn't have much to do with DD because she can't "fix" her. She is always concerned about what she isn't doing.<br><br>
We have a few friends that are supportive in their own way but I doubt I would really ask them for anything if I needed it because I wouldn't want to have them say no. I have asked my Mother for help many, many times and she won't, so I don't ask anymore.
 

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Yes I feel this way.. and sadly it is from our family...and I've given up on most old friends...<br>
I love this board because I can come on here and read all about what others have been up to and I get it..and when I vent you all get it. I have very few oppurtunities to do that IRL but I am ok with that for now.
 

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OMG I totally identify w/this thread. I'm too tired to elaborate now, but had to chime in and let y'all know you're not alone.<br><br>
Bellevuemama
 

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You hit the nail on the head! It seemed like when Linden was first born and the severity of his issues weren't apparent, people were much more supportive. It was kind of a "we just have to support you till he's fixed surgically, then we can all move on and forget it ever happened and life can be normal." Then, when life never became normal, and it just kept getting worse, people just stopped being supportive. Right now I just try to not talk about it IRL as much as possible. There are some great people that I hang out with here, and they might not get it, but they don't exclude us because Linden's different. So I'm lucky to have them. But I feel like I can't talk too much about his stuff cause I don't want to alienate us.
 

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How about being told: "<i>You should see a counsellor</i>" every time you attempt to seek out friendship support?! There is one "friend" who comes out with this every time unless I keep the conversation on "nice" things.
 

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I don't have kids, but I do hear the whole "if you need anything, just ask". I just went through dental work, the day I had it done, my husband couldn't be here, he was underway with the Navy. That night I posted a message on Myspace to all my SD friends(many of these wives are from our ship). I couldn't call because I couldn't talk(the dentist cut my tongue when I had it done) and I posted a bulletin and also on our ships myspace page. Asking someone to come over for like 10mins to take our dog potty downstairs(I wasn't suppose to attempt stairs) and to just check on me...nothing major. One lady lives one exit down...not that far away. NOTHING. I got nothing! After I vented about it so to speak in a blog a few days later, I finally got comments on my page saying..." Oh I was sick, I was busy, " blah blah blah...why not tell me that when you were online the day I was asking, and you were posting comments to your other friends. To this day I won't ever talk to those ladies again. I am pissed about the "support group" saying they are hear and everything when our husbands are on deployment, but not while they are underway. People like that make me sick. Don't say you'll do something then back out...
 
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