Do You Ever Wonder If You Can Handle More Children?

It wasn't until ds was around 2yo that I could think about having another. He isn't really high needs, but spirited definitely, still doesn't sleep through the night, and keeps me on my toes all day long.

I am due in 2 weeks with my 2nd, and I still wonder if I've done the right thing. I can be kind of a selfish whiny baby myself, so I wonder how I'm going to handle being responsible for meeting the needs of 2 young children. But dh and I thought a lot about this, and really feel it is the right thing for us, so I'm just kind of having blind faith that it will all work out.

As for a third - I really like the idea of a larger family. My sister will most likely not have children (fertility issues), and dh's sister has pretty much decided to only have the one dd she already has. So our family is looking pretty small, and dh and I have talked about more than 2 children. We've decided to wait and see how the 2nd one goes, because I think a lot of the decision making DOES depend on the personalities of the children. If this 2nd baby is really easygoing and sleeps more than ds does/did, then we very well might go for a 3rd and have even a smaller age gap. But if this baby is high needs or the transition is really difficult, then we may not have a 3rd, or may just wait awhile and see how things change.

oceanbaby...we seem to be following the same paths. I remember you talking about TTC#2, and all the concerns you had which were mine, too. Then you got PG, and I a few months behind you.

Now I wonder about 3, simply b/c I love parenting so much and, like you, there is only one cousin for DD and that's all she will get. So having more kids seems like a nice idea.

The problems are twofold: I'm not that young anymore, and having a baby at age 38 sort of scares me. I already went through the DS scare with this one. Plus I'm finding this PG alot harder on me physically. Also, I do miss some of my old life, and know that adding a third means yet another 2 years of being somewhat restricted. Don't get me wrong: I love being here for my babies, and didn't mind giving up my hobbies, etc...but part of me is looking forward to a bit more independence.

I will soon find out if I can handle more than one...lol. I'm sure it won't be so bad. At least, that is what I'm saying to myself. DD was pretty easy: I feel I'm due for a high-needs one, lol.

Me too, we always talked about a 3rd, maybe 4th but right now I want to give the two I have back . I'm just worn out mentally and physically, I'd love to be pregnant again, I know I'd miss never doing all this again, but I'm just really worn out.

I keep telling myself I'm still young (well realtively 28) so I have time to decide. Ds has always been more than a handful so who knows.

Very often. I never wanted an only, as I am one. I swore I wouldn't "do that" to my child. Sometimes it is tempting though. Ds is rarely overly challenging (at 2 1/2 anyway), but I'm always wondering if I could be a good mother to more. I would personally lvoe to wait 10 years or so, but Dh says no way. Closer than 5 years or not at all (he has a big seperation between his sib & him).

It took over a year and a half for me to even think about it. I'm still in shock when those with younger children TTC. It's beyond my comprehension. I also think this is due to me being an only, I've never had to deal with lots of people around...I was very often and much a loaner, just out of my situation so I'm used to being alone or being the only loud person/child. The thought of two kids vying for my attention is overwhelming right now. If Ds is loud and the cat starts meowing it's like time to pull out my hair! :

The current plan is for Ds to be more independent and in preschool first. To me, though, sometimes it sounds like I am waiting for him to "leave the nest" and then start over. I'm fearful that I will be "shoving him out of the nest" so-to-speak and starting again with #2 as opposed to parenting two children.

My wife and I have developed a threshold theory . We think that child number 3 or 4 basically takes the parents over a threshold. Number 1 and number 2 (and in rarer cases number 3) will all be the hardest children ever...not because they actually are the most difficult children necessarily, but because of size dynamics. With number 1 you are basically your kid's world. Your lives revolve around each other. You depend on each other for a certain sense of balance, and when one of you is out of whack, it exhausts the other. With number two, the concept is basically the same. The children's lives tend to revolve still pretty closely around the parents, and while the children can disperse some of their energy with each other, they still use a lot of their energy in relationship with the parents (and thus the parents also use a lot of their energy). Plus, sibling issues often arise once there is a second child.

With number 3, something often shifts. With three children, their lives start revolving more around each other. It's not that the parents are necessarily parenting less...with one more child, they are parenting more. But let me give you an example. When I was a kid and something really crappy happened at school, I would tell my sisters about it as we walked home. We would hash it all out and I had my chance to vent (and cry if needed). My sisters would say comforting things and teach me coping skills just by being in conversation with me. If one of my sisters wasn't being helpful, I could go to another. Chances are there would be a kid in our family I could connect with at any given time.

By the time we got home, the crises will have often transformed into a mere "issue," and if needed my parents could still intervene. While at home, if I got bored playing by myself, my parents didn't have to take on the role of entertainer and "party planner" very often. Usually I'd just go play with my younger brother or one of my sisters. If I couldn't find my special pen set with which I was going to do my art, often I could borrow a sibling's pen set or someone would help me find mine. That's not to say we never got each other into trouble (like the time my sister told me and my brother that if we colored the carpet green and watered it, it would grow), and sometimes sibling dynamics or age spacing can make such situations less beneficial. However, if you think about the general law of dispersing energy, it makes sense that the more people it can be dispersed over, the less pressure on any given individual. If the third child doesn't take the parents over the threshold, usually a fourth child will. It also isn't a huge leap between four and a larger number.

Right now my wife and I are thinking we'll stop at four children. Since we both come from big families, we both witnessed this theory in action through our parents and have decided it is pretty sound. Also, as we watch our siblings and their kids, we've noticed that those with one and two generally seem the most unhappy, the most stressed about parenthood. Our siblings with three or more kids seem the most comfortable with parenthood. They are just as attentive to their kids but it requires less stress on their part to be attentive.

i like your 'threshold theory' - makes sense!

We went back and forth everyday about TTC#2. We had a mc and troubles concieving for awhlie and then - we decide to just wait until we finish school. So of course, we were pregnant in a month :LOL Dh thought 2 would be enough and I didn't want to rule out a 3rd. Our first is not high needs or even "spirited". He is pretty easy most of the time, except he talk constantly. I love this about him because he has truly interesting things to say, its just tiring after awhile (mentally).

Dh wasn't with us yet when Jackson was a baby and now that he has held a newborn child he is hooked and wants another So it looks like we will have a 3rd.

To the OP: When my Ds was 17 months I couldn't fathom another child. When he was 2 I could and we tried to have another but couldn't concieve for some reason. At 3 years - no way could I fathom another child yet. When Ds was 4 we wanted another badly and had a mc, now that he is 5 we finally have our baby and it is a wonderful age difference in many respects.

You will know when (or if) the time is right for another. By the sounds of your dd's personality she will be a delightful older child. I am sure she is wonderful now, she just commands all of you energy!

I am obsessed with this issue. I just wrote a huge long post and lost it! Grrr...

I have a 4 1/2 year old boy and a 12 month old girl. I am just managing to hover above total chaos. I fear that 3 children would be the ultimate plunge into chaos for me. I came from a family with 4 kids and it was definately chaos. I think I secretly always dreamed of 3 kids, now I'm just not sure. Being so intimately involved in the emotional and physical well-being of another person - yikes! My life is full to the brim right now. We could manage financially with less money to go around - my concern is the emotional investment. How can I spread myself around?

There are so many factors: my ability to manage stuff, my daughter's personality (my son wants another baby!), my conflicting desires, my age, my fears. Really, it's all about me, isn't it!? My husband would go along with my deepest desire - I just don't know what that is. I know we won't decide for a few years, but I obsess about this daily!

I wish I had a sense either way that "our family IS or IS NOT YET complete". How do other people just KNOW? Amazing to me!

Blessing everyone.
Kathleen

P.S. Hi Sierra! I have not been on the boards much in the past year (or so), but it is great to read your post. I remember reading your wedding plans and work/moving plans. How are things going?

yogamama, I just sent you a pm...I haven't been around much myself...it is great to see you .

I'm glad my little theory makes sense to other people...it makes a lot of sense to me, but sometimes I wonder if my brain is in its own little world .

Sierra