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Ok, i've been having a really hard time with this latly, i guess it just the way i grew up or somthing. But i expect my dh to be able to do a short list of things, like take the trash out for me (to the can daily and to the road on wed), burn trash (paper stuff, boxes), feed our three dogs, fit a broken draw on allison's dresser, hang a shelf, get the oil changed in the cars, mow the grass, put rat poission under the the house, insulate our pipes under the house, ect....
most of these things are stuff that needs done NOW that he just keeps putting off and then i get realy mad and end up asking on a daily bais, he gets made, ect. over and over....
I know that i'm going to have to do most of these things when he leaves in 2 months, but he's always been like this,he just won't do these things for me??? I'm the stay at home mom and he works full time + do you think i'm expecting or asking to much??? I mean he will have his days where he will do LOTS of the stuff after i have asked and asked for about 2 weeks, but it DRIVES ME NUTS!!!! ok vent over tell me i'm not alone
 

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I do all those things too. Make no mistake- my husband does at least half of the work- we just take turns and tasks are not gender specific. I am also a SAHM and my husband works full time, so no you are not asking too much for him to help out.
 

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I do! Not so much the garbage, but all the maintainance type stuff I leave for him. I can't believe I am so stereotypically sexist. We have an interior door that needs stained. It's been waiting a year, and drives me nuts. It would take me 10 minutes, but will I do it??? Heck no! Can I do it? Heck yes. I'm perfectly capable, but choose not to do it.
 

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i like doing that kind of stuff!.. we both do it, depending on who is taking care of elwynn or who feels like it. some things he just does, like taking out the compost and he likes building stuff, so do i but he tends to do the carpentry stuff more.
 

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I did expect him to do the "man" things because I grew up that way. But it's something I'm trying to change.

It kind of sets me up in a power struggle when I "refuse" to do his "job." I'd much rather both of us work to get the house the way we want it, each taking turns as the energy moves them. But I don't want to get into that martyr thing either and do it out of resentment.

So I kind of ask myself - what do I really want right now? eg: To put the wrapping paper away or to teach DH a lesson since he's the one who got it out? Answer: I really want to put it away, provided I can do it without resentment. So I put it away. To my amazement he then cleaned up the bedroom unasked when I remarked (non-judgementally) that I was felling chaotic since the house was such a mess.
 

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I like to do a lot of those things, and so I do them pretty often, but I very much expect him to be willing to step up and do them when it is necessary. I defintely don't think its too much to ask! In our house, I figure that if I know how and am willing when I need to do it, he should also. The fact that i do it too makes it less, "I expect you to be willing and able to do these things because you are the man" and more, "I expect you to be willing and able to do these things because you own the house too and we are a team here!".
 

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I would so rather fix a shelf, paint a wall, do the yard work, or anything like that over my hated tasks of cooking dinner or laundry. I do most of the tool related stuff (except car maintanence, we are both clueless) and he is more likely to wash diapers or cook breakfast and make coffee. We tend to each do what we like most/dislike least and I do the rest (I SAH and he works 12 hr days so it seems fair). It works pretty good for us, except there are far too many garbage bags waiting to make it to the alley cause neither of us do it
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank goodness i'm not alone, i just feel like if i do all these things i'm worried he will just expect me to do it and then i will get myself stuck in a trap of "doing it all" i NEVER ask for help with the laurdry, dishes, food, vacuuming, any of the "in house stuff" i wouldn't mind so much if he would help out in thoes areas as long as i was getting SOME KINDA help... he also does none of the kids stuff (dressing, bathing, diapering, feeding, ect) although i don't expect that at all
 

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does all the male work also. But my ds helps by feeding hte dog, vacuuming the house, etc. He works and I work so we share the duties. He helps put the dishes away and I help by doing laundry and cooking.
I hate doing man takss. But I do hang my own pics, shelves, etc. I just don't paint, stain, etc. I hate paintinng my mom owned rental properties growing up and all I ever did was paint.
 

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my partner washes diapers and dishes often..he does laundry (but sometimes everything ends up pink!) he puts elwynn to bed and does bath time. we are pretty equal in everything..but i have a higher standard for tidiness so if the house feels messy to me i ususllay have to clean up since to him its not messy. but he will help if i ask, usually.
 

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gosh no, if I waited for dh to do half that stuff it would never get done.

I am a WAHM he works 5 days a week. Because I am at home I do not expect him to do the laundry, dishes, cook(though he does most of the bbq'ing in the summer once I get everything ready and half the time started on the bbq).

What bugs the hell of out me is when he asks if I want help with something that he knows I do not want his help with but not only does he ask when I tell him no he starts doing it anyhow when there is a long list of things he could be doing that are his things to do and he never does them.
 

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DH and I have our own things that we prefer to do (he's a MBA in finance so obviously he does bills and budgets and other things that make me gag...) but I don't think they typically fall along traditional gender roles. I mean, I came to the marriage with more power tools than he did!

Some typical jobs of his: dishes, financial stuff, computer stuff, auto stuff, 1/2 the bathroom cleaning

Some typical jobs of mine: laundry, scheduling/organizing, gardening/yard work, SAHM, 1/2 the bathroom cleaning

I totally expect him to do his "share" of the work.
 

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Quote:
Do you expect you dh to do the "man" things around the house?
No because that not where his strenghts are.

He does a lot of kitchen stuff for me or picking up that kind of stuff but my strenght is in doing the handy man stuff.

The best way to put it each does what they see needs to be done.
 

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DH and I are kind of reversed on what gets done around the house ... I grew up on/worked on small farms most of my life, and am more comfortable with doing the "man" jobs than he is - since he never had the chance to do them when he was younger. So .. I change oil, drag garbage to the curb, crawl under the house to shut off the water when the toilet blew up, unclog drains, re-tar the roof, et c .. While he loves doing dishes, washing clothes, vacuuming, et c. But that said, we really kinda trade off with things - I don't expect him to do certain jobs just because they're "guy things", just as he doesn't expect me to do certain ones just because they're "wife things." (Besides ... I don't think our one rug'd ever get vacuumed if it waited for me to do it
: - love vacuuming, hate our vacuum cleaner. ) The only "job" that's solely mine is baking our bread for the week ~ he loves to help, and has tried a time or two, but I've been doing it for so long I know exactly how it should "feel" when it's ready for a final rise/bake, and he still burns the bottom.
 

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Yes & no. I don't expect us to follow a straight gendered division of labor, but I do expect us to know different tasks just to avoid expending our energy in the same place. However, I tend to enjoy the more traditional female activities while he seems to prefer the more traditional male activities. There are exceptions, of course. He does all of the dishes and cleans the bathroom while I'll change out the oil on the car.
 

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We have a even-steven set chore list and the list has nothing to do with gender roles (it is based on preference).

But as for maintanence stuff - neither of us are handyman types, so if things break they pretty much stay broken.
 

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Our situations sounds very similar to many of the other contributors on this thread.....

I think our expectations are shaped by so many things - our own personalities, skills, what our parents did around the house. When I was single, I can't say I ever expected that the man I would marry would be doing stereotypical male "chores" around the house. But, I know I consciously chose a man who does those "male" chores. I can not, given my own personality, imagine even being with someone who was not "handy" around the house. Honestly, I find most housework boring, I get distracted very easily and I seem to have no mechanical sense. Or, perhaps, I could figure things out myself but I have no interest. And, yet, I also get very stressed out when my home is disorganized and unclean. And, I certainly appreciate housekeeping as a skill, that is for sure. I love my husband very much for a lot of reasons and some of them are he is a whiz around the house. He is a facilities maintenance mechanic by trade so he can fix anything the holds the house together (within reason). His idea of a good time is to do car repairs. And he enjoys yardwork and is picky about tidiness so he does all the vaccuming. We save quite a bit of money because he fixes everything that breaks in our house. If it was me on my own, I'd be lost. Now, that is a stereotypical female statement I've just made, is it not? I need a man around the house. But, really, I hate home repairs. If I was single again, I'd sell my house and live in a tiny tiny bachelor pad. On the other hand, I don't think ALL men should be like my husband. My brother certainly is not and lots of men I've encountered are not. I don't think anything is wrong with a man who has no interest in doing stereotypical "male" handiwork. I have no interest in doing home repairs - why is it different for a man? But, in our household, there is an even division of labour - so I think equal contributions, no matter who does what, is important.
 

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My daddy raised me not to need a man
Lucky for my dh he married me because otherwise he would have to hire a handyman (Or woman) for everything! My dh is not a fix it type, he just doesn't know the thrill of finally getting the new faucet not to leak! My dad, who loved teaching me how to do stuff can't get his head around the fact that I fix the "stuff" here. He will call the toolbox "Dh's tools" and I go nuts! Dh doesn't even know what's in there


I do most things around here unless they require extra height or strength, then I call in dh.

When we were selling our house, dh had already moved ahead of us. I met with the inspector and while talking I mentioned that my dh was gone. When he gave me the list of repairs I told him I would take care of those things that night and could he come back in the morning, since I was on a short timeline? He seemed genuinely puzzled and asked how I was going to get those things done, without my dh? I said I was going to load up my baby, go to Home Depot, get my parts and get to work, just like a man would do. He was all cute and surprised
 

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WE don't usually separate chores into "male" and "female", however if something requires more strength, taller height or different mentality than mine (like directions
) - it moves into "his department" exclusively.

OK, not exclusively, 'cuz we have 17yo DS, who is just as tall and almost just as strong, so he does lots of the stuff.

PS. Just wanted to confess that statements like
"he is helping ME" or " he is doing it for ME" - are not used in our household.

WE do the house chores for US. Taking out garbage is not a favour that is being extended to me personally.
 
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