[mommyddeville]

I saw the thread about parents having almost no money for retirement, and it got me thinking.

Do you feel responsible for caring for your parents if they haven't saved for retirement? Do you see yourself caring for them in the future? Would you consider it? What about your in-laws/SO's parents, etc?

If you do plan to support them or help support them, how will you do it? Give them a certain amount of money each month? Take them into your household? Buy food for them or pay their rent or mortgage?

I'm curious because my husband and I have been talking about this a lot.

 

[mommyddeville]

Here are my answers, to start this out.

I'm not worried about my parents' retirement or my in-laws' retirement. Both couples have saved enough money to retire comfortably. I have a severely disabled brother, and I might care for him, if my parents can't at some point. I think he receives about $280/month in disability, so we would have the added expense of all of his care, and I have no problem with that. I think my parents have enough money saved that they could pay us or someone else for his care, though.

My MIL (divorced from FIL) is another story, though. I think she's about 45 years old, and has no money for retirement. She has no assets (well, she has a mobile home worth almost nothing and an old car). She hasn't saved anything for retirement, and she's still in school and has tons and tons of student loans. The thing is, she has never spent her money well. She is only responsible for her own upkeep, and my FIL raised my husband, with no child support from her. So she can't say all her money went to raising DH. She just has no plan for her future.

My DH and I have talked at length, and we will not be supporting her. She is such a toxic person, I can't stand to be around her. I have panic attacks for weeks before we see her (which is less than once a year). She's schizophrenic and refuses to be medicated. I told DH that I'm not supporting her until she gets the help she needs, and he agrees. His mom has "borrowed" money from him before, even when he was in college and paying for room and board and tuition. She wanted to "borrow" more money right after our son was born. We said no. We could not possibly give her money while we were barely able to feed and clothe ourselves.

Now, it's a matter of principle. I'm not giving money to her so she can throw it all away on plastic crap at Walmart and on fast food. Nope. I have better things to do with my hard-earned $.

 

[CarrieMF]

Quote:

Do you feel responsible for caring for your parents if they haven't saved for retirement? Do you see yourself caring for them in the future? Would you consider it? What about your in-laws/SO's parents, etc?

No I don't. I know my parents have RRSP's & they have the farm plus all the sections & quarter sections they've acquired over the years to sell off. Dad has been buying alot of land the last few years. We will get first dibs at buying the land from them. Dad will probably keep a couple fields and rent them out. My parents would never ever ask us for help. If we offered it, they would turn it down. I have tried paying Dad for the gas we get from the farm & he won't let me(and in turn gives me money). It's a pride thing. So if he leaves his wallet in the laundry room, I sneak some cash into it. not enough that he'd notice really. he'd probably wonder where it came from. My mom knows so she may have told him. She is the opposite of Dad and would be more than willing to take money from us. Dad never lets us pay for anything(ie meals if we go out), mom expects us to. If I was to help them out, I'd have to go into the Credit Union & put the money onto a loan without them knowing. Then I"d be expecting to have a cheque mailed to me once Dad found out and morally I'd have to cash it. Grandpa(and Grandma to an extent) was the same way, & I find myself being quite similar too with my own kids. We're British if that makes a difference.

The IL's are already retired & seem to have more money now than they did before they retired(or they stopped being cheap, it was not frugal or thrifty but cheap). They have been looking into us buying the land they rent, it used to be Dh's grandpa's & there's something in the homestead laws where even though FIL does not own it, his kids can buy it. They get no money from us for it, but if we do they'll move into one of the surrounding towns. you can buy a house there for $7000. I don't know if they would ask for help & I'd be hesitant to do it. IMO their only dd(who is married & has no kids & will never have kids) would be the one who'd end up taking care of them.

 

[Jennisee]

Tough question. I do feel an obligation to help them survive, but not necessarily "fund a full retirement lifestyle." I would hire a financial advisor if they had any assets to deal with, help them navigate government paperwork to get aid, and even let them move into my home.

However, I do not feel an obligation to fully fund their mortgage, hobbies, and shopping habits. I have no problem maintaining a household that they are part of--giving them a room, helping them with errands, providing their food--but I will not be responsible for multiple households. I see my dad and my in-laws doing this, and it's bad for all parties involved. My dad mows two yards, chops wood for two houses, does repairs on two houses, and it's breaking him physically and emotionally.

 

[HipGal]

I don't feel responsible, but I think I would do all I can if they really needed help. I don't know what I would do if one of them needed nursing home care or something like that - which we wouldn't be able to afford. I'd like to say that we would take them into our house, but we have a very small house and my parents drive me a little crazy.

 

[Snowdrift]

Nope, they have three children they haven't disowned who can look after them

In-laws are a different story. They are less likely than my parents to be broke, but then we aren't likely to be well off so it all comes out even. But yes, I would feel responsible for doing all we can to make sure they have what they need financially and in other ways too.

 

[Jennisee]

IMO, nursing care is usually a separate issue than retirement. Even children whose parents have fully funded retirements will have to deal with the issue of nursing care when the parents can no longer physically care for themselves. I am willing to help as much as I can, but I will not ruin my family financially to do it. (For example, I wouldn't take out of my own retirement and perpetuate the cycle of my children having to sacrifice their retirement to care for me.) Any assets that our parents have left will go to pay for it, and after that, I feel like we (well, they) would have no choice but to rely upon government aid.

 

[dimibella]

Not really responsible but I do think that we should care for our elders, so if they are ever in need of anything, I plan on being there.

 

[Leylla]

My dad is dead, so no issues there.

My mom had a wonderful job and makes a ton of money. I've already told her to buy one of those assisted living condos b/c she ain't moving in here. EVER. I like her a lot more when we don't live in the same house.

Steph

 

[sunnmama]

No, not for either set.

My parents have planned a bit (have some savings, pension) and have a fully paid home. So they *should* be ok. But if they are not, I have 2 sisters who both feel obligated to help them for various reasons. One thing I would happily do is combine our equity (ours and my parents) and buy a property with two houses to share. I think that would work well, and free up more retirement money for them, if we could agree on an area to live in!

For dh's parents--they are in tough shape. No savings. No equity. Nothing. And poor health, too. But we don't have a great relationship with them, while his siblings do. They live close to each other, and his parents have provided free childcare for all their children. When we visited last year, and saw his brother's new house, we were THRILLED to see that he had a full basement apt--and he intended to invite dh's parent's to live there when they needed to. YAY!

 

[StrawberryFields]

I don't think I really have a choice, you know? I mean, if my mom is struggling and can't afford to buy food or medication I'm not going to let her starve and live on the street. My parents spent their lives working to keep our house warm, clothes on our backs and food on our table. I wish that she had a secure future ahead of her but with a low-paying job that will eventually be beyond her physical abilities and no savings, I don't know what she will do.

 

[KariM]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommyddeville Do you feel responsible for caring for your parents if they haven't saved for retirement? Do you see yourself caring for them in the future? Would you consider it? What about your in-laws/SO's parents, etc? If you do plan to support them or help support them, how will you do it? Give them a certain amount of money each month? Take them into your household? Buy food for them or pay their rent or mortgage?

Of course! I'd feel responsible to assist any family member who was in need.

DH and I have discussed it many times and the type of assistance depends upon our financial resources at the time, but at the very least we'd have them live with us and house/feed/etc.

If we had the financial resources and they preferred to live independently, then we'd go ahead and do that.

 

[rootzdawta]

Well, my father thinks he knows everything so I hope he knows what he's going to do when he's no longer making money. I'd be more inclined to take care of my mother, however. But they are married so I guess I'm obligated to take care of the both of them. However, they will never EVER live with me. We're from a different country than the U.S. and so I think the best thing would be to set them up over there and send money every month or so and have family look after them.

 

[phatchristy]

Nope, I don't feel responsible for my parents retirement. My father and inlaws both have plenty of $$$ left over.

I would though love it if my mom moved down here, to at least be by us (her kids/grandkids). All her children/grandchildren live in FL. Though, she stays alone up in MI....spending 12 grand or so a year on maintaining a giant house she doesn't want to sell because the housing market has plummited.

 

[Sharlla]

Nope.

 

[MommaCrystal]

When it comes to my father.... NOPE! He was not really there for me throughout most of my childhood. He didn't provide child support and even gave me a hard time about milk money when I stayed over his house and had school the next morning. He didn't provide promised money nor was he there emotionaly, so I hope he figures something out. He has a rich girlfriend now so maybe that is his plan.

My FIL died a year and a half ago and it APPEARS as if my MIL is set up pretty well. She has what she needs to live, consults with financial advisors and such. So I'm not really worried. I'd like to see her get long term care insurance though.

Now MY mother and consequently my Step-father. I am my mother's only child and that pressure weighs on me. I know she has "profit sharing" from her work... but at least once a year they threaten shut down. Some how I doubt that will be there if the company goes bankrupt. I know my step step has some sort of 401K but somehow I doubt he is putting enough in there. Both of them work jobs that require physical manual labor. You just can't do that forever!

For them, we'll do something. They raised me. They sacrificed for me. They helped put me through college. They went without so I could have what I needed. Especially my mother. Of COURSE I'd be there for her. But I won't compromise OUR finances. That is ridiculous. And we wouldn't get along to live together. But I would be glad to provide food and whatever I can to help them make ends meet.

 

[Scribe]

My partner and I both plan to provide care for our parents if and when they need it, including having them live with us if that becomes necessary. We both feel very strongly that it is our responsibility. But both our sets of parents (his parents and my mom and step-dad) have saved very responsibly for their own retirements, so unless/until there are serious health complications, they should be fine on their own. His parents are quite a lot older than mine, so we'll likely be facing this issue with them first.

 

[jocelyndale]

My parents and in-laws have already set up their retirement. My parents *are* retired and are full-time RVers. My in-laws are a few years away from retirement.

While they're all set, I would *never* let them languish without care or food or shelter. They're my elders and I would step in if anything happened. They've been generous to me and returning the favor isn't just my duty (not speaking to anyone else's responsibility), but a privilege.

 

[ShaggyDaddy]

I would if they needed it... I have been trying to get my dad to retire early for quite some time. They have lots and lots of money saved (more than enough for sure) and they both have (eventually) terminal illnesses...

I am more afraid that my dad will work(and be miserable) till the day he dies than that I would have to take care of him financially if he were to run out of retirement money.

I told my dad that I would prefer to use his last quarter to call the mortician than to have some inheritance. We all laugh, but it makes me sad that they are going to die, leave each kid a couple hundred thousand dollars and never truely enjoy the money they worked so hard for their whole lives.

 

[mtm]

We really worried about my mom, she was a sahm for a long time and then struggled to get a well paying job later after my parents were divorced. We helped her make ends meet periodically even though we didn't always agree with her choices. She passed away three years ago on the cusp of retirement and I'm really happy we were able to help her out while we could.

My ils are self-sufficient and are more likely to bail us out than the other way around.