[MotherWhimsey]

I just started going to a moms club and I'm not sure how long I'll last. It is just really hard for me to watch a kid act up cause his mom's basically ignoring him, then get punished for it. I don't see how they can't see that their kid just needs them.<br>
My husband has a friend that has a 2 1/2 year old and every time we go over there they are always being so domineering. He won't share his toys, and they don't seem to get it that he's two, he's not going to share very much at this age. But they just tell him, "Kent, share" in a very strong voice, then rip the toy out of his hands and give it to my daughter who could care less, she'll just find another toy to play with. By the end of the first hour, the little boy is screaming and my duaghter is so freaked out by their tone and the boy screaming, that she clings to me and says bye bye over and over till we leave (which we do very fast).<br>
I just end up avoiding these types of people. Am I being too sensitive about it, or do you guys have problems being around it too?<br>
Mother Whimsey

 

[Plummeting]

I absolutely have a problem being around people who spank, yell, use time out liberally, tell their kids, "Stop crying right this minute!", etc. It's so hard not to *say* something to them! At the pool today, a little boy of about 5 was told by his mother to sit out for a while (I don't know why) and he was crying so hard. She totally humiliated him as they were standing only about 2 feet away and she was yelling at him and telling him to sit down since he "couldn't listen". She walked off and left him there and when he ran after her a minute later she said, "Knock it off with the crying already!" I thought it was bad enough that she yelled at him in front of everyone and made him sit out while everyone else was having fun, but then she told him he couldn't even cry about it. AGH! Parents are so heartless sometimes.

 

[elmh23]

I have a very hard time being around my SIL (the only people I know who aren't GD) because they are constantly spanking, shaming and yelling at their four boys. I've started to dread when they come down (they live out of state) whereas before dd was born, I loved it! Before dd was born, dh and I would take the three oldest (the littlest was to young) over to our house and they'd play games with us and spend the night. It was just easier than being at my MIL's house. Now since dd, I just can't do that. They'd wake dd up and she wouldn't nurse well (she's easily distracted) so we just go over to MIL's. Within 30 minutes someone has been spanked and sent to the corner and is being yelled at, and I just want to leave.<br><br>
It's going to be really hard when dd is older and they are giving me their unwanted advice.

 

[meemee]

i find it v. hard to be around moms like that who do it on a regular basis. with some i have pointed out that is not the way to go at a later time when the time was right, with some i have offered them my parenting books and ultimately with some i have just severed contacts. thankfully it hasnt been in a moms group. more individuals.

 

[Piglet68]

last year we lived in cleveland for 10 months in a neighbourhood that was not the greatest (but 2 blocks from work!). we often saw this at the pool, playgrounds, water park. i hated it. i kept away from these people and played at a distance with dd.<br><br>
it may be easy to say this since there is nobody in our lives who treats their kids like that, but i would never expose my kids to that. i would leave, saying in as non-judgemental a tone as i could, that since we don't yell at or hit dd, she is deeply disturbed by it and we have to go.<br><br>
i would tell dh to visit his friend without us.

 

[mpeel]

I have a terrible time being around folks that are harsh to their children. DH's best friend and his wife are this way. It drive me nuts and DH would love to do more with them. I just can't stand to. He winds up going alone and the girls and I end up alone without him. It is not working.<br><br>
With that exception, generally, I just do not associate with those that spank, yell, or are generally domineering or very punitive in the discipline methods. It disturbs my girls. It is very difficult not to say something that would only make matters worse. Spanking is the accepted form of discipline here, that and shaming.

 

[MotherWhimsey]

Yeh mpeel, it's my husband's best friend too. I feel bad for making him hang out with his friend alone (and therefore not as much), but ever since the night dd got freaked out over there, I haven't been able to justify taking her back. If she's that miserable spending an hour over there, I can't imagine what that little boy feels like. He's almost three and doesn't talk (okay, he says mamamamama, but that doesn't really count for much). I don't think anything is wrong with him except for emotionally (the parents have a bad relationship and are getting divorced). But it's just hard to see them be like that to a little boy.<br>
Mother Whimsey

 

[irinam]

Yes I do find it very hard.<br><br>
One part of me says - "It's not your business to intervene, plus DD gets stressed out, so get out as soon as you can"<br><br>
Another part of me says - "Poor child, if I only explained to his/her Mother the other ways... Shouldn't I at least try for the sake of this kid?"<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">

 

[Mommay]

I wonder the same thing too irinam - say something or not? I basically don't say anything because I don't think we can really get gd across in 10 mins or less. I also would not be amenable at all to a mom who hits telling me I'm not disciplining the way I should, so I definitely don't feel I'd be listened to by a mom who does hit. But I have thought about maybe enforcing a no-hitting rule on parents if they are at my house. I wonder how that would go over? After all, we don't allow kids to hit other kids and adults to hit other adults. I could say matter of factly that adults are also not allowed to hit kids in this house. I'd probably insult the parent, but I feel like that's one way I can confront hitters.

 

[irinam]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>goepark</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I basically don't say anything because I don't think we can really get gd across in 10 mins or less.</div>
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Good point<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>goepark</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But I have thought about maybe enforcing a no-hitting rule on parents if they are at my house. I wonder how that would go over? After all, we don't allow kids to hit other kids and adults to hit other adults. I could say matter of factly that adults are also not allowed to hit kids in this house. I'd probably insult the parent, but I feel like that's one way I can confront hitters.</div>
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I agree with this. After all, even "mainstreamers" are against age disrimination <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">

 

[macytoedt]

my dd will get visibly upset and clung to my leg when our close friends let there kids cio in a room alone or the child gets spanked...great people just different parenting, i do feel like she tries tough<br><br>
when the mom left the room i said in a quiet voice to my daughter that i'm sorry that her friend was upset and that she knows i would never hit her then do some activity just with her to get her mind off the situation.....we did not have the option to leave and it really only gets bad once during the visit....once is still too much for my heart though....<br><br>
i try not to pass judgment, she has other kids close in age so she has more to stress her out but honestly we are moving very far away and i'm glad i'll be able to have a radar for moms like this.....

 

[mom2go]

Doesn't it make you wonder at the frustration and misery of the parents though? Sometimes when I see a young mom with two or three small children screaming and acting up and the look of "how did I end up here?" in her eyes it just breaks my heart. whatever happened to our society when the rite of motherhood was helped along by a loving family and community? So many new moms are thrown in at the deep end with no resources or clear idea of what to expect from parenthood. Sometimes its not only the kids who need some love, its the mothers too.

 

[flyingspaghettimama]

I agree with everybody. Sad all around, hard to be with and observe, particularly if there's family or long term friends involved... Especially when they don't want to see/hear other methods. I usually think the best I can do is model our relationship and that my kid is not a spoiled brat that GD'd kids are supposed to turn out like, according to whoever they got their info from.<br><br>
I like the idea of no hitting in your home, although in my experience, people do freak about this and think "huh, i'll just tell her no extended BFing in my home" or something snarky along these lines. It still seems to be a fair expectation - it just makes you too upset, and you can always say it was because you observed a lot of it as a child (true in my case) and it's very upsetting. And then you can ask them to pay your therapist's bills.