<p>So many different approaches! I can only tell you what seems to be working for us. Before we became parents, I would cringe when certain families came to stay with us. Mealtimes were a pitched battle - "Eat one more bite!" "No!" "I don't like it!" "I don't want it!" I knew more than anything that I didn't want our family to look like that, not at home and not with other people. Fortunately, the leader of the hospital's parenting support group introduced us to the work of Ellyn Satter, the dietitian who wrote Child of Mine and several other books. She has a very common sense approach that has worked well for us and has led to essentially zero struggles at the table. I'll tell you the parts that I remember off the top of my head, but you can also Google her. She has a good website with a forum for interested parents who ask questions and give each other advice. Basically, what Satter says is that there is a de facto division of responsibility between parent and child. The parents must be in charge of the part they are in charge of, and not let the kids try to invade that part. The kids must be in charge of the parts that the kids are in charge of, and parents must not invade that part. The whole thing works, she says, because children really do want to grow up. They want to be big and act big, and if you handle it the right way, they will eventually learn to enjoy the food culture of your family.</p>
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<p>Parents are in charge of when the food is presented and what is on the menu. That means you plan regular meals and snacks at the table. It means that you decide the menu (this does not include asking them what they want, but it does include sympathetic meal planning, including at least one item that you know they will eat, such as bread and butter or cottage chesse or whatever) -- in my family, that especially meant not forcing hard-to-swallow things on young toddlers, or very chewy things on people with loose teeth.) I don't recall if Satter was okay with people getting up from the table to make PBJ or whatever, but I would not be, unless I put it on the table. What I serve is what is on the menu, period, but I can do that because I always include at least one item they like. Even if they refuse it - doesn't matter.</p>
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<p>Children are in charge of what they eat, and how much (if any at all). Food is served family style, and children are in charge of what they put on their plate. Satter does NOT believe in the "no thank you bite," never mind a certain number of bites. She says if the kids see you or someone else enjoying something with obvious pleasure, they will probably gear themselves up to try it eventually, and like it eventually, even if it is liver and onions. If it is part of your family food culture, they will probably eventually enjoy it. She feels that children who are forced to try unfamiliar flavors and textures are not getting a chance to mature on their own - and that forcing maturity on them often backfires and creates the kind of unpleasant family meals that I witnessed. (Just a postscript there - the worst of the mealtime families has visited us recently - one child starting college, one in high school. Neither of these kids seems to enjoy spending time with the parent who was the pushiest about forcing food).</p>
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<p>I don't remember if it was from Satter or just from me, but making faces or rude comments about food is simply not allowed. If you don't like it, don't eat it; if it's in your mouth, either swallow or discretely use your napkin. You must always thank the cook for cooking, whether or not you ate any of it or liked any of it.</p>
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<p>One other thing that might be helpful. When she wrote the first edition of her first book, the crazy food trend of the time was low fat this and low fat that. She recounted how one family that was incredibly strict about food had a hard time getting their daughter to eat, and she explained why that was making it hard for the child at that age, as well as being somewhat nutritionally suspect for that age. She got the family to lighten up a little bit and things changed. I don't see any reason why eating real whole foods would be a problem, but you might want to check your dinner menus just to make sure that at least some of the food you are serving is sympathetic to their current tastes. But after that, your job is done.</p>
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<p>We've never forced, although sometimes I find myself overstepping when I know it is something that will be LOVED if I could just get it in the mouth. But then I stop and remember.</p>
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<p>All that said, I'm not sure these techniques are why things have been turning out well for us. Some things are just innate. And some things are how you look at them - when I look at your description, I see kids who seem to be eating very well and are lucky to have a mom who is thoughtful about nutrition.<br>
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