Mothering Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need to vent and don't want to talk to anyone in my circle of friends about this so here we go...<br><br>
I have a wonderful group of mama friends. People have their little squabbles here and there of course but by and large everyone is mature, we handle things between our kids in open, conscious ways. We've all been a big support group to each other. However, there's one person that hangs out a little less frequently that has a major penchant for starting drama. I think she's just insecure and doesn't know how to just be genuine friends with people...she talks smack about people, tells information to people she shouldn't etc. The ONLY catty highschool type issues I've experienced in this group she has been at the root of. Coincidentally, (or not so coincidentally,) her kids are a nightmare too. They are wild and aggressive and everytime she hangs out at our playgroup it ends in tears. She's good friends with one of the central organizers in our playgroup (who has confided in me that she sees her flaws but she's just known her so long that she's able to overlook them.) Her strengths are...she can be very funny, she makes people laugh, she's very loose and down to earth in many ways. So she's not all bad. If you aren't close to her, she's a very likable person although her kids don't get along with anyone, including each other.<br><br>
For all these reasons, I've done my best to keep her at arms length. But I was really crushed when I heard today that the charter school that we've been planning to send our kids to, she just applied to send her kids to as well. So our kids could be together for the next 9 years. I'm really nervous how her gossipy nature is going to play out in a school environment. (she already did a lot of weird bad mouthing of people to the teacher at our kids morning out program) I'm so disappointed that this school that we love that I've been so excited about is going to be overshadowed by this. And what really irritates me is that she just decided to send her kid to this charter school because "that's where everyone else is going." Just last week when one of the mamas was talking about possibly sending her kid there...she was bashing it. Then, when she heard that her close friend decided on this school and a few others did too and realized she would be "left out" She called that day and is trying to sign up without even going to look at it. I am so annoyed that this place that I love could be infiltrated with her negativity....<br><br>
NEEDING A POSITIVE WAY TO LOOK AT THIS....<br>
(honestly, am feeling a little evil myself and hoping by some miracle some obstacle will occur so she can't go to this school! This is what I don't like about a peson like this is that they bring out the worst in me!)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,980 Posts
Oh man that sucks! Hugs mama! I know what it is like to have a friend like that. What I usually do is keep them at arms length or leave the friendship entirely. However, it seems like distancing yourself completely will not be an option since your children might go to the same school. I guess your options then are to try and grow *closer* to the woman, and hope that perhaps you can have a open, honest relationship with her, or, you could distance yourself further and hope to keep a light, airy relationship.<br><br>
This is tough. I personally would remain very cordial, friendly, and kind, but really try and limit contact and close communication. You know that she is a gossiper, so you'll have to be sure to limit what you tell her about personal issues and family stuff. Since she is not trustworthy, you won't likely have her watch your children. I'd say try and make the best of this by remaining friends/acquaintances. Man, this is tough and I am not giving you anything good.<br><br>
Sorry mama!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,369 Posts
Yep... my mother. Seriously, she's just horrible, the worst. Drives me crazy. And she's not someone I can avoid so that sucks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
But if she wasn't my mother I'd just stay away as much as possible - keep the relationship civil of course but don't share personal details and don't listen to her when she starts bad mouthing others, just remove yourself from the situation or try to change the subject if possible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>HelloKitty</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7976797"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But if she wasn't my mother I'd just stay away as much as possible - keep the relationship civil of course but don't share personal details and don't listen to her when she starts bad mouthing others, just remove yourself from the situation or try to change the subject if possible.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Thanks. This is what I try to do. I think one of the ways I've been sucked in is that her close friend is also MY close friend and my friend often "vents" to me about things that the other person (the gossipy one) has done or said. I need to figure out a way to tell my friend that if she wants to be friends with that's fine but I really don't want to hear about her friend anymore. I can't hear about something ridiculous someone is doing or saying without having negative feelings about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,369 Posts
That is tough I would probably just say something like, "Oh man, don't even go there - I so don't want to hear about her right now!" in a friendly way and just do that EVERY time she brings up the woman. It won't take long before she sees that you're not the best go-to person for sharing about the woman <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,748 Posts
I used to have quite a crew of them, women I had been friends with since my early twenties. Until they broke up with me almost two years ago. Now I know this is gonna sound self-serving and subjective buuuut, here it is anyway:<br><br>
They tried (pretty successfully) to lay the entire brunt of the gossipy behaviour at my doorstep. I copped to my faults (I'm not afraid to speak my mind, sometimes before I think, I can be radical & unpopular in my opinions, etc.) and suggested the group examine themselves as neatly as they did me. Shockingly, that didn't happen and after many, many months of feeling stripped bare and left for dead by these women, I'm much, much better off.<br><br>
So, to your dilemma: Keep your distance, be polite but when the onslaught begins, excuse yourself. When you're in the thick of something like this it feels more than it is. If you can get some distance, it'll be easier for you. Does that make sense?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,565 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nyveronica</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7977123"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
So, to your dilemma: Keep your distance, be polite but when the onslaught begins, excuse yourself. When you're in the thick of something like this it feels more than it is. If you can get some distance, it'll be easier for you. Does that make sense?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
Yes. It makes perfect sense. I'm trying to use it as an opportunity to grow. Yesterday evening I was having a lot of mental noise about the situation and finally I noticed it was a beautiful sunset and I was wasting it obssessing about something that just doesn't matter. The more attention I give it, the worse it will be. My kid will be fine, I will be fine as long as I just choose to keep my attention on the positive...its been my own weakness that even sucked me to her drama in in the first place. My dark side just had to know "what did she do now?!" or "why did she say that to me or to so and so?" and I shouldn't even pay attention to it. I am SO grateful, SO SO in awe of the wonderful women in my life and that they are mature and we are supportive of one another. But I agree, I need to keep my distance and sadly, I've realized if it comes down to it, I will also keep some distance from my friend that is close friends with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,684 Posts
We've dealt with that kind of person/drama in our homeschool group. It sounds like you have a good sense of perspective. Distance can help!<br><br>
My husband is a pastor, so we deal with church gossip on a regular basis. I've seen the damage that gossip can cause in relationships, and it's just ugly. I think that most people who gossip don't even recognize what they are doing. (I know that this is one of my flaws. It's so tempting to join in when someone shares a juicy bit of news.)<br><br>
I do think that gossip needs to be identified. When someone tells you about a problem they have with someone else, don't give that gossip a place to land. "If you have a problem with _____, you need to talk to her about it."<br><br>
Good luck with this woman! Maybe she'll change her mind about the charter school.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,840 Posts
Ick! I have a few of those in my life and it's tough to deal with. I have taken to keeping some distance if necessary and to saying "I'm not into gossip at all, and this feels gossipy to me."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,762 Posts
I do, and I keep her at arms' distance. Look on the bright side...your kids will inevitably make new friends, and your social circle may change a bit. It's a tough one, though.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top