Do you have a model in mind?

575 Views 17 Replies 15 Participants Last post by vermonttaylors, Jun 7, 2005

SagMom

Discussion Starter · Jun 3, 2005

I don't mean an image of the "perfect" mom, but a standard...a goal...an idea of the parent you want to be?

I'm asking because I've been talking to someone who speaks often of his bad childhood--he knows what things he doesn't want to repeat, he can identify what he thinks his parents did "wrong" and yet, he often falls into just that pattern of parenting. *I* think it's because, while he knows what kind of parent he doesn't want to be, he really doesn't know what kind of parent he DOES want to be.

Does that make sense?

So, it got me thinking...
*I* need to hold on to the image of the mom I want to be as sort of a reminder. When we hit a rough spot, it's helpful to me to sort of check the way I'm acting and compare it to my ideal--see if my actions fit my values, yk?

So, I'm just wondering who else does this. (Assuming I'm not just really weird and that someone else actually does this!)

Do you need to know what kind of parent you want to be, or is it enough to just know what kind of parent you don't want to be?

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mamaduck

· #2 · Jun 3, 2005

I think I have standards and ideals regarding the person who I want to be -- and that person is largely defined by how she treats the people she loves. Including children.

But at the same time I try not to fall into the trap of "acting out a role" with my children. I want to be myself with them, and have an honest relationship with them.

For example -- I don't try to "be a good wife" to my husband. I do try to treat him with respect and openess... and to engage in a genuine relationship with him. I don't think he wants me to strive to be "something in particular" with him.

I suspect my kids need something similar. Of course they need to be treated well! But I think they need a relationship with the real me -- the unique person I am. Especially as they grow older, I think they would be annoyed and disallusioned by a mother who is always trying hard to "be a good mom."

I don't know if this makes an ounce of sense.

IncaMama

· #3 · Jun 3, 2005

yeah...i think that keeping an image of the kind of mom i want to be is a dangerous thing for ME to do. not for everybody, but for *ME* it would not work, because I tend to be a people pleaser and just sort of "act" like the kind of person people want me to be and it's very VERY hard for me to just be *me* with friends, family, etc...and using a particular image in my head as far as mothering would walk that fine line and i'd worry that i'd lose myself.

the reality is that i *do* have that image in my head but every time that i find myself thinking of "her", i actively try to squash that image because I know that it is not helpful to me, and it only hurts me in the long run.

i want to be clear that this is a *personal* issue of mine, and that i'm not saying in ANY way that this would be dangerous for others to do. in fact, i think it makes perfect sense to do it. i just know that i have a problem finding my real self and comparing myself to others that this strategy would be counterproductive for *me*.

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FireWithin

· #4 · Jun 3, 2005

I think keeping an image of who I want to be wouldn't work for me, but doing something else does help me keep focused on my goals. I think about. . . I guess I could call it the overlying principle I wish for my family. I try to think of us working together as a team, supporting, encouraging & respecting each other as individuals and as members of our family. Sometimes when I am doing something I do a mental check to see if imy behavior is promoting this goal of mine.

So, yes I do think having an image is important to me, but it is not about who I wish to be.

robinkate

· #5 · Jun 3, 2005

I guess the way I think about this is, at times I feel I am a good mom, at other times not so great. So it helps to realize that what I am picturing is actually part of what I already am, the part I want to strengthen, the mother who is calm and loving and very aware of her child's needs. For me it is a visual image of me smiling and happy, playing with my daughter.

There is also a book called Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. I haven't finished it yet, but it starts out with asking you to choose the three most important things you want to teach your children, and figuring out your parenting practices from that - sounds like what you are talking about, Mammo2Sammo.

IncaMama

· #6 · Jun 3, 2005

You know what else helps? Reading Erma Bombeck. She's hardly AP but she's *REAL* and she's *funny* and she reminds me that those perfect women we envision who are perfect moms, run perfect households, have perfect husbands, etc are really...not. LOL

meemee

· #7 · Jun 4, 2005

i dont really try to figure out what kind of mom i would like to be. instead i always focus on what kind of adult i want my dd to be. i focus today on things that are for life not just short term goals. like tantrums. my goal is not to stop her crying right now. but how to teach her so she learns and applies it for future. a yell or slap will get them to stop immediately but that is not my goal.

but really focusing on my dd esp. when i hit the rough spot really helps me. i take a time out or change our environment by going for a walk or just go sit on the porch. focusing on her helps me come out of my spot - realising how i could perhaps ruin it for her. and i always feel doing wrong even one time is bad. what if the one time is really terrifying for her. esp. since i have a v. emotional sensitive child. doesnt mean i havent yelled at her. but i have immediately apologized and accepted how wrong i was - even when seh was a year old and perhaps didnt understand my words.

when i think of what kind of mom i want to be i see people and examples and say i want that but not that, but during bad spots its how i could affect my dd's future that brings me down - or find ways to bring me down.

not sure if this made sense.

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SagMom

Discussion Starter · #8 · Jun 4, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mammo2Sammo
Sometimes when I am doing something I do a mental check to see if imy behavior is promoting this goal of mine.

This is what I was getting at.

Quote:

So, yes I do think having an image is important to me, but it is not about who I wish to be.

I guess I phrased my original question badly. I wasn't meaning that I had an image of a totally different person, or that I think putting on an act is a good idea...I was thinking more specifically about parenting ACTIONS (although I can see how my phrasing didn't convey that.)

For instance, did you ever catch yourself saying something that your own mother used to say and that you'd swore you'd never say to your own kids? Sometimes I find myself saying things that my mother said, even though they're in direct opposition to my own beliefs and to the kind of parent I am. These are the instances where I find myself thinking about the parent I want to be. If I followed some of the knee-jerk responses that I have sometimes, I wouldn't be parenting gently or kindly. Those reactions definately come from the way *I* was parented. Another example is that I've never told my kids, "Because I said so." because it just doesn't fit into my way. HOWEVER, there have been times when those words were on the tip of my tongue--probably because I was brought up that way. So I feel like I need to make a conscious effort sometimes to say, "I don't want to be like that" and to act the way I think is more appropriate.

Did that make any more sense?

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Dal

· #9 · Jun 4, 2005

There are a couple of model parents that I know, but I've given up thinking I can be like them. I'm nothing like them at all. Not that I don't think I'm doing a wonderful job, but my style is so not theirs. They are peaceful, calm types. I'm very attracted to this and think it's awesome to see someone who is so at peace with herself and is so extremely kind and sensitive. I tend to be exciteable, fun, extremely playful, loud at times (not in anger though, just being silly). I don't know anyone who parents like I do, but it's working out good for me. For model-type guidance I LOVE this website and certain parenting books. I do consider the women here very inspirational and insightful even if I haven't met many of them!

In terms of just actions (a pun): My picture of the actions of an ideal parent keeps evolving as Simon grows and new challenges come up. I think it's great to have a mental image (as it were) of the type you suggest. I should work at that so that I'm stumped less when new situations arise.

From Aristotle's _Nicomachean Ethics_ : "Will not the knowledge of it [i.e. the ideal life] . . . have a great influence on life? Shall we not, like archers who have a mark to aim at, be more likely to hit upon what is right? If so, we must try, in outline at least, to determine what it is..."

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A&A

· #10 · Jun 4, 2005

The book Unconditional Parenting closely describes the type of parent I want to be (well, when he's talking about punishments and the overall type of parent one should strive to be, I agree. But I'm not really anti-praise like he is.)

AngelBee

· #11 · Jun 4, 2005

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SagMom

Discussion Starter · #12 · Jun 4, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dal
From Aristotle's _Nicomachean Ethics_ : "Will not the knowledge of it [i.e. the ideal life] . . . have a great influence on life? Shall we not, like archers who have a mark to aim at, be more likely to hit upon what is right? If so, we must try, in outline at least, to determine what it is..."

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Silliest

· #13 · Jun 4, 2005

I just ask myself...

WWMRD?

(What would Mr. Rogers do?)

ShannonCC

· #14 · Jun 6, 2005

2

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joan
he knows what things he doesn't want to repeat, he can identify what he thinks his parents did "wrong" and yet, he often falls into just that pattern of parenting.

That's me

:

Quote:

So, I'm just wondering who else does this. (Assuming I'm not just really weird and that someone else actually does this!)

There are some moms on this board I think of a lot. You, UnschoolingMa and Dar in particular. Not saying I always agree 100% with everything I read, but a lot of it makes me slap my head and think "THAT is how I should have reacted". And there are moms I know IRL who affect me. I *do* keep in mind that they are human and probably screw up sometimes too so I don't get totally intimidated :LOL But yeah, it helps to have role models.

Quote:

Do you need to know what kind of parent you want to be, or is it enough to just know what kind of parent you don't want to be?

I certainly think it's helpful, but it's not the whole thing. I still have a hard time some days even though I have good and bad role models, yk?

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CerridwenLorelei

· #15 · Jun 6, 2005

Friend J ...

mpeel

· #16 · Jun 6, 2005

Several things influence me and when I hit a rough spot, draw my focus to get me back on track. First, like meemee said, I am not focusing on immediate results but the future. I want her to be a happy functioning adult pleasing herself and no one else. My actions today focus on that.

Also, my best friend and I have very similar parenting philosphies for the most part. But, she is much more patient than I am. Hearing her response to a situation where I would have lost it by now, helps so much.

IdentityCrisisMama

· #17 · Jun 7, 2005

Yea, my parents ~ especially my dad. But like MD said, my dad was himself and he's fabulous and so I also want to be *me* while I'm parenting my child. One of the worst feelings I get with parenting is when I try to do or be something (even if it sounds great when another person describes it) and it's just not who I am.

So, yes and no, :LOL I don't have an image of who I want to be but I have benefited from positive role models and that definitely guides my parenting.

vermonttaylors

· #18 · Jun 7, 2005

I think dh and I have a vision of how we want our life together to be, and that includes the kind of family we want to be as well as our parenting styles. I, personally, am not there yet with being the kind of mom I want to be. I know that want my children to be happy, caring, relaxed, adventurous adults, but my parenting has a way to go to get them there. I am working on it. DH is a natural father and I am learning a lot from him.

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