[grahamsmom98]

<p style="text-align:justify;">My wonderful Mom is 90 years old.  She broke her hip in July and had to have a full replacement.  As she couldn't handle the physical therapy, she is permanently confined to a wheelchair.  She is in a nursing home as she also has complete bowel and bladder incontinence and dementia (from a stroke).   </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">Mom has, at best, a less-than-2-minute short-term memory span.  She can remember some things from long ago, and she knows who I am most of the time, though that seems to be changing.  She sometimes remembers my dh and our ds.  Because of the dementia, she gets very confused when I take her out in her wheelchair for a spin around her neighborhood, asking where her house is, where Dad is (he's been dead for 2 years), where her parents are, etc.  She is happiest when she is in her room and we sit with her there.  </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">We visit her every other day and I speak to her by phone everyday.  Though, she doesn't remember having spoken to me (or anyone), even minutes later.  None of my siblings are involved in any part of her care or life.  ((But, that's a whole 'nuther thread!))     </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">This will be the first holiday season since she moved into the nursing home.  She can't be moved into our car for the ride to our house as it is too painful and difficult for her.  There is no type of transport service in our small town for this type of situation.  Also, as terrible as it sounds, with her incontinence, I don't want to change her adult briefs/diapers (please, no flames).  So, even if we could get her here, she would possibly be in soiled clothing until we took her back to her place.</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">In the past, Mom has always been here with us for a few days prior to Christmas so she has some fun with the family.  We can't do that anymore as she couldn't even get into her bed here (the guestroom has always been "her" room).   </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">We are also involved in caring for my fil (diabetes, major heart & kidney troubles).  He lives in his own apartment in town (8 minutes away), but has a caregiver in each day to prepare his meals and take care of the place.  We see him multiple times each week (and bring him here for dinner every weekend).  He expects to be at our house for Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas dinner.  We are his only family nearby (his remaining sibling is 3,000+ miles away).  </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">We normally have our holiday dinners around 5:00 as it is just myself, dh and ds, no big party atmosphere!  In the past, we've had fil and Mom over, as well.</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">My dear fil doesn't want to visit Mom at her residence (too much of a mortality reminder).  Ds doesn't want to spend the holiday meals at her place either.  Please, understand and cut him some slack as he has been dealing with her decline for 6+ years (she is, and always has been, his favorite grandparent).  <span style="text-decoration:underline;">His</span> holiday time is important, too.</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">How do we work it out on the holidays with two parents having different needs???</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">Do I go see Mom earlier in the day on Thanksgiving and share a small meal with her then (so that I can still eat at home with the rest of my gang)?  And, do the same on Christmas Eve and Christmas day??  Will it matter as she doesn't remember anything beyond the immediate??  She makes no connections as to the decorations they put up over there (she had no concept of Halloween, a total blank).   </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">This is going to be so depressing, no matter what, as Mom can't be here with us. </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">This is tearing me up.  I want to be the good daughter and try to keep things as they have been in the past.  But, they aren't the same and never will be the same.  In fact, they will continue to decline.</p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">If you have beloved parent confined in a nursing home, how have you handled the holidays??</p>

 

[MacroMama]

<p>I do not have someone in a nursing home, but a thought that occurred to me was that perhaps you could celebrate the holidays a few days beforehand with your mother at the nursing home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>This way you could have some special time together (with your family if they are willing to come) with her and make that day special.  Then you can celebrate with your family on the actual day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's not uncommon for families to have to celebrate on days other than the actual holiday due to traveling or work schedules or extended family visits.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Either way, good luck because it does seem like a difficult situation.</p>

 

[Arduinna]

<p>What do you want to do? Most of your post is about what everyone else wants, and not about what you want or need.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My personal feeling is that considering your moms state of health that the rest of your family should cut you some slack and be more supportive of what you need and want. If you want to have your dh and son there, then they should go out of respect for you. Your FIL can learn to deal and give you all some time with your mom if he doesn't want to go. You are clearly doing a lot for him already and he should be willing to not control the whole day and how it's spent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'd spend some time thinking about what would mean most to you, considering your moms health and how many more holiday seasons you might have with her. Given the circumstances you have the right to not put yourself last in this situation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

 

[greenmansions]

<p><span><img alt="yeahthat.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/yeahthat.gif"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have been in a similar situation and I agree that thinking about what will be most meaningful for you is very important, so as not to have regrets later.   When our situation was brewing over here, I felt that seeing my dad on the correct day was important.   It somehow preserved his dignity - he was not as unaware of things as your mom seems to be, but he would not have wanted to have the holiday celebrated on the wrong day.   It would not sit right with him at all.   And so it was important for us all to accommodate that as much as possible because we never knew which time would be the last, and none of us wanted any guilt around things like that.    When she was healthier, your mom may have been more easy going about holidays and celebrating on a different day might not have phased her.   So your take on it may be different.   But we felt like doing what he would have wanted in his most "normal" condition was important.    </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think the rest of the family should give more weight to what you need to feel good heading into the future.  I would probably take my immediate family - DH, DS, and go over there on the holiday and share a small meal or even just pie or whatever.   IMO, it gives some dignity to her situation.   But you should do what works for you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Take care - you've got a lot to deal with.</p>

 

[Caneel]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>grahamsmom98</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278946/do-you-have-an-elderly-parent-in-a-nursing-home-what-to-do-about-the-holidays#post_16040565"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;">Do I go see Mom earlier in the day on Thanksgiving and share a small meal with her then (so that I can still eat at home with the rest of my gang)?  And, do the same on Christmas Eve and Christmas day??  Will it matter as she doesn't remember anything beyond the immediate??  She makes no connections as to the decorations they put up over there (she had no concept of Halloween, a total blank).   </p>
<p style="text-align:justify;"> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>I think going early is a good solution. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>How old is your DS?  I would probably expect my own DS and DH to come along under the theory that someday they might be in the same situation and would appreciate family visits.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I share your grief, my father is declining fast and I fear we will be facing a nursing home situation soon.  I am at a loss about how to process/deal with the knowledge that it will not get better and there isn't any hope to fuel positive thoughts. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is there an elderly parent tribe or forum out there?</p>

 

[meemee]

<p>i am sooo there with mama's who asked but what about you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>it no longer is about your mom. its about you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>do whatever you feel is right.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>maybe just you go and have lunch with mom and bring her some momento that she can hold onto - a turkey pin? so she has proof that you were there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>yeah i wouldnt force your son. and really at that age TG is just another age. and i can completely agree with your FIL. i have noticed with elderlys reading the obituary column is v. upsetting to them for that very reason.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>do what's convenient and what's easy for you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>you will have to start a new TG tradition instead of trying to make it look like the past.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>having taken care of elders i will say just sitting and talking with them helps them sooooooooooo enormously. you mom like a baby may not remember what you did two minutes ago but i am sure she feels it instead that happy warm glow that only you can bring.</p>

 

[ecoteat]

<p> I don't know what we end up feeling best for you and your family, but I understand what a crappy situation this is. I've lost 3 grandparents in the last year and a half, and I've watched my parents struggle with the care of their aging parents. While one of my Grandmas was still alive but not able to travel, the whole family would have Thanksgiving at the retirement home she and Grandpa lived in. The home would let the family use one of their big rooms and they would bring all the food in. Now that Grandma has died, and Grandpa can get out and go places still, they will do Thanksgiving at my cousin's house.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When my other grandma was in a nursing home my mom would visit her there on special occasions, but there was no expectation of her leaving the home to attend gatherings. It was terribly sad to be having celebrations without her, but that's just the way it was.</p>

 

[LynnS6]

<p>Since your mother no longer has a concept of time, I would actually keep my regular visitation schedule. She might rely on the routine to remember things, and clearly the day itself isn't that important to her. If you felt it was important to visit her <em>on</em> the holiday, then I would visit her at a time that's convenient for everyone (maybe the morning), share a lunch with her, and then do your regular holiday with just your family. Ditto for Christmas. Visit her Christmas Eve day, then enjoy yourself without guilt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The actual day doesn't actually make much difference. The fact that you are regularly involved in her life does.</p>