[Raene]

My dd is only 5, but the other kids at her school who we've had to our house have been really wild. They don't seem to have any rules at home and they basically tear our house apart.

I'm not really sure what to do bc my daughter is really bored when she doesn't have playmates, but I sure don't like them in my house. But playing outside isn't really an option yet with the weather.

It's true we're considered "strict" compared to other parents around here. We actually do have rules/boundaries and many people here in this hippie town don't. It's so frustrating.

Anyone else have similar issues?

 

[delphine]

I didn't vote but I do want to comment. Sometimes, my son IS the wild monkey. And, it probably seems to other parents that we don't have any rules and we let him run around like crazy at home. In fact, that is not true.

One factor is that he can sometimes get really overstimulated when at a friends house. His response to this is the act wild. Honestly when he is in an uncomfortable situation, he does things that we have NEVER seen at home. We are working hard with him on other ways to deal with stress, but, it's been very hard for him. He wants to go to friend's houses, but we have had to work toward a point that he can relax and be himself at someone else's house.

I will say, too, that I also get stressed when ds has friends over. I think they get so excited with toys they may not have at home combined with the excitement of a new experience, and sometimes get wild. It IS frustrating, and I hope as they get older, things calm down a little.

I don't know if this is the kind of response you were looking for. I worry so much that ds's friends will not invite him over, because he is just learning how to act appropriately at other people's houses. It's kind of a double edged sword, you know??

 

[Raene]

Quote:

Originally Posted by delphine I didn't vote but I do want to comment. Sometimes, my son IS the wild monkey. And, it probably seems to other parents that we don't have any rules and we let him run around like crazy at home. In fact, that is not true. One factor is that he can sometimes get really overstimulated when at a friends house. His response to this is the act wild. Honestly when he is in an uncomfortable situation, he does things that we have NEVER seen at home. We are working hard with him on other ways to deal with stress, but, it's been very hard for him. He wants to go to friend's houses, but we have had to work toward a point that he can relax and be himself at someone else's house. I will say, too, that I also get stressed when ds has friends over. I think they get so excited with toys they may not have at home combined with the excitement of a new experience, and sometimes get wild. It IS frustrating, and I hope as they get older, things calm down a little. I don't know if this is the kind of response you were looking for. I worry so much that ds's friends will not invite him over, because he is just learning how to act appropriately at other people's houses. It's kind of a double edged sword, you know??

I agree with you. And I never meant that my child is perfect at other people's houses, either. But we are REALLY big into cleaning up and her friends don't know that rule. I don't know if their parents do it all for them, but I feel really irritated b/c they don't clean up when they're done and then it becomes MY job because my daughter doesn't think it's "fair" to clean up all of the mess when she only made 1/2 of it. It's really frustrating.

Maybe my daughter doesn't clean up at other people's houses and they think the same thing about us. Who knows?

 

[aran]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raene We actually do have rules/boundaries and many people here in this hippie town don't. It's so frustrating.

Ouch. That's a tough generalization to make. I agree with the PP that sometimes kids behave in ways that one can't anticipate when they are away from home in a new situation.

 

[Llyra]

I haven't liked most of the friends DD's made at preschool, but for different reasons, I think. They're all four, some are just five, but already the boys are playing violent shooting games and talking about Power Rangers, and the girls are acting flirty and talking about Hannah Montana. They just seem so media-saturated already, and so "grown." DD1 has no idea what all that stuff is; she still thinks that Barney is high-end entertainment. Plus, some of them have parents who hover like helicopters over them, and the kids have no idea how to just relax and chill and entertain themselves.

I'm looking forward to DD going to kindergarten next year. She'll be going to a school that's a lot more diverse, economically and ethnically, and I'm hoping she'll be able to meet some kids who haven't been so hot-housed. I know the kids in our neighborhood aren't like that, and they'll be going to school with DD.

 

[delphine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raene But we are REALLY big into cleaning up and her friends don't know that rule. I don't know if their parents do it all for them, but I feel really irritated b/c they don't clean up when they're done and then it becomes MY job because my daughter doesn't think it's "fair" to clean up all of the mess when she only made 1/2 of it. It's really frustrating. Maybe my daughter doesn't clean up at other people's houses and they think the same thing about us. Who knows?

That's a tough one. I definitely would want my children to follow the rules of the house they are visiting, whether we have the same rules at home or not. I would probably try to make a game of it. If they were finished playing something and left it in a mess to move on to the next thing, I wouldn't have a problem with saying, "Hey guys, let's get this picked up before we get something else out." And, I woudln't have a problem with someone asking my ds to clean up a mess he made...in fact, I would really appreciate it, because I would hate to think of my son leaving a mess for someone else to clean up.

I know, at 5 though, my kids need a little help in motivating themselves to pick up after themselves. It definitely goes more smoothly if I jump in and we make a game of it.

 

[CarrieMF]

I voted other because I have 3 kids.

#1 - She has 1-2 friends I like, they keep moving away though.lol most of the girls in her grade I'm not fond of. She goes to Middle School in 1 1/2 years & I'm hoping she makes new friends.lol

#2 - Most of her friends I like though there are a couple of girls I really can't handle. They don't listen, when they get in trouble they try turning it around so it's the other person's fault.

#3 - I like just about all of her friends.

I work in the school my kids go to so I see these kids on a daily basis. I know which ones routinely don't listen to anyone & which ones don't.

In groups most kids tend to get wilder than if there were only 2-3 of them.

 

[Raene]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aran Ouch. That's a tough generalization to make. I agree with the PP that sometimes kids behave in ways that one can't anticipate when they are away from home in a new situation.

I said "many people" not everyone. I don't think it's a generalization at all.

I am from a really great city in the south and I had the best AP group I've ever been around. AP is not the norm down south and you could actually SEE how these kids were more peaceful, trusting, and better behaved than those who had been spanked, threatened, etc.

I moved across the country to a town completely opposite where really maybe 5% spank instead of it being the norm. But now it's the opposite where they don't give any rules/responsibilities in general. DH works in a health food store and is afraid that APing is going to make our kids turn out like these other ones without rules. He can't see that it's not about APing, it's about the no rules. He just thinks AP parents don't have rules.
He wasn't around when I was in the south enjoying my AP group of probably 100 families, and I SO much wish I could take him down there and show him that THESE are the parents and philosophies I would like to base my parenting on.

Instead we're surrounded by parents without boundaries and these kids don't know how to respect other people's things, follow other people's rules, etc, b/c MOST of them do not have any at home. I think it's sad.

 

[meemee]

!!! wow!!! really?!!! you expect a 5 year old to clean up before they leave? THAT is a house rule?

it never ever entered my head to make that a house rule. i have noticed my dd's rambunctious friends totally thrashed my house when they were like 3 or 4. they had sooo much fun. but as they grew up they stopped doing that so much. now at 6 they dont really.

at 5 it was still a messy game. HOWEVER once in a while if i was overwhelmed i asked for help and they graciously did it. i didnt ask all the time and they didnt comply all the time.

we still have some mess makers at 6 who are unable to really help or not be so wild. i dont expect it out of them. i just see sooo much creativity amongst these kids that i never thought about clean up.

how behaviour wise they all have to follow rules. kindness, sharing, taking turns. some are more of a challenge than others. but none i find i cant handle.

i guess its about tolerance levels.

darn!!! i should have voted other 'coz some of them are wild monkeys and that's the exact reason why i love them. none of them are the hippie AP parenting kids though.

 

[Raene]

I try and treat my children as I would treat an adult. I expect them (well, just the one at the moment since the other is in-womb) to clean up after themselves. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I didn't make the mess, and maybe I'll be share and help clean up out of kindness, but I do not think I should feel obligated.

If I cleaned up after her she would never learn to do so herself.

 

[meemee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raene If I cleaned up after her she would never learn to do so herself.

i guess then that i differ from you here. i have never really insisted that my dd clean up. now that she is 6 1/2 she kinda does it automatically. some days she tells me mom i am tired of clean up, i dont want to do it, will you help me? and i do.

to me its one of the things we do not need to ask our children to do. as they grow up and see us doing things they would do it automatically out of concern for us.

what really helps me is that by nature she is a clean and tidy person. by nature i am not and i really struggle to clean up. i complain too about how much i dont like doing it. i think that's why my dd helps me. i think she does it coz she enjoys herself and also coz i dislike it so much.

 

[confustication]

I live in a small town, and I get really frustrated because the girls my daughter's age are so into Hannah Montana, looking 'sexy' and being pretty, that they miss out on being kids.

They are also really obnoxious and catty (many mimicing older sisters) and when my daughter spends time with them, her behavior deteriorates for several hours afterwards.

The cleaning up thing annoys me as well. They are old enough to clean any mess themselves, but some just don't care to. I will not let my daughter off the hook in terms of personal responsibility however, if she chooses to have friends over, SHE is responsible for any mess made.

 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Hey OP, have you tried keeping an eye on the clock and say, 15 or so minutes before you expect their parents will be picking them up say "Hey kids, let's clean up our mess now, your folks will be here soon!"?

I think that it's fine for every household to make rules that work for them and I respect that in your house, the rule is that all people clean up after themselves...I get that.

I mean, if they are just knocking down some blocks...or get some crumbs on the counter when they have a snack...that's one thing. But if they are ACTUALLY tearing your house up....running around making a real mess...then they should probably help to clean up at least some of it?

Perhaps I'm not really a good judge of what's normal, as I have only one bub and the extent of her "friends" messes are a bit a drool here and there!

And, also....wanted to add....I HHHAAAATTTTEEEE this whole Hannah Montana thing, it's....it's obscene, some of the things I've seen. Baby baby children in these pleated mini skirts, with HM shirts on, and like, long strings of fake pearls, like she wears....it's just, spooky. It's really spooky to me.

I don't know what is more worrisome to me...the fact that all these little girls are worshipping a person, the fact that they want to BE this person....or the fact that being this person, means becoming almost overtly sexual in their dress and the way they act. It's only one more reason I'm glad that when we move into our new house, TV is not coming with us. We've cut way down to the "nothing" cable package...because we only really watch TV once a week...but DD is growing quick and we can't stand the thought of her watching it...so, we're going cold turkey.

 

[Raene]

Gosh I'm glad not to know about Hannah Montana other than what I see when we are walking by the clothes aisle at Target. Looks frightening!

 

[Storm Bride]

I probably should have checked "other". DS1 is 16, and has been through a lot of friends over the years. I checked "yes", though. There have been 2 or 3 I really didn't like (and also felt really sorry for - very unhappy children), but for the most part, I really like his friends. They've been a great bunch of kids. I like his current group of friends, too.

 

[EFmom]

Most of them I like. Some of them are the proverbial howler monkeys on crack.

There is one particularly spoiled child I cannot abide. As a typical encounter, last summer, I took dd and the HMOC in question to a little, low key kiddie amusement park nearby. Kids love this place. The HMOC did nothing but whine and complain the entire time. When we were on the merry go round, she wanted to be on the ferris wheel. When we were on the ferris wheel, she wanted to be on the merry go round. We got ice cream. She ordered vanilla, only to then announce that she hated vanilla. When it was time to leave, she wanted to stay. We got in the car and she refused to put on her seatbelt. Etc.

Most of the kids are fine. It's the ones whose parents cater to their every little whim that drive me insane. We don't exactly encourage those friendships.