[sesa70]

Serious question here for moms of bio and aodpted and opinions from moms of just adopted kiddos...

Do you (or would you) love your adopted child less than you do (or would) your bio children? Is the relationship between you and your bio child differnet than it is between you and your adopted child?

I spoke with a woman a while back who had both adopted and bio children. This is long before our baby joined our family through adoption but we knew that this was the way we were going to be growing our family. Anyway, she was sortof trying to talk me out of adoption, saying its 'different' and you dont love your adopted children the same, and that its a struggle. She loved her two adopted children but was clearly much happier with her bio child. I cant explain exactly what, but there was a clear difference.

This has always haunted me. I adore both of my children, bio and adopted, and I dont love them any differently. Of course our baby is only 9 months. hearing her story has always made me sad. My baby brings me such joy, I cant imagine not loving her as much as I do. I guess I am just looking for feedback as to why she would have said this, why she may feel this way, and to see if others do too?

 

[annethcz]

I'll bite.

Yes, the love I feel for my adopted child is much different than the love I feel for my bio children. Our adopted DS has been with our family for 9 months, and joined our family a few days before his fifth birthday. Quite honestly, loving DS has been a struggle for me at times. I don't have the same instictive love for him that I have for my other children. I suspect that there are several root causes to this:

1) There was a very real language and communication barrier when DS joined our family. DS is a non-native english speaker and knew only a handful of english words when he came to live with us. We could communicate only the most basic concepts with him for a very long time. Even now (9 months post-placement), his language skills do not allow for deep, heartfelt conversations. He still does not have the words to express some of his thoughts and emotions.

2) DS was 5 when he joined our family. With my other children, I had a hand in forming their personality. I didn't get that chance with DS. Nor did I get to see his personality develop or see him go from a baby to a toddler to a child. I missed all of those wonderfully heartwarming, endearing experiences. That's not to say that I haven't experienced heartwarming, endearing moments with DS- but I haven't had as many of them with DS as I have with my bio children. I didn't get to spend hours cradling and carrying DS as a baby.

3) Attachment issues. Now, I'll be clear and say that I don't think that DS has an attachment disorder. But he has been cool towards us from day one. Although he clearly seeks our approval, he has been slow to accept any sort of nurturing from DH and me as his parents. He will come to us when seeking justice ("X took my toy away from me"), but has never once sought comfort from either DH or I when he was hurt. Although I do comfort him when he is hurt, DS would never come and ask for a hug. It's much harder than I thought it would be to give love and attention and affection to a child and get NOTHING back. I think that DS was simply wary of us as parents, because he bonded with and formed a spectacular relationship with his siblings before he really bonded with me and DH.

I do love my DS now, in a way I didn't when he first joined my family. The relationship has developed slowly, but we're getting there. One of my biggest fears is that somehow DS will grow up thinking that he was loved less than his siblings. So I do my very best to be as equal as I can in my affections towards each of my children.

But, at this point, my relationship with my adopted child is different from the relationship I have with my bio children. I know my bio children better, I have more history with them- so I can anticipate their wants/needs better. Because I've spent so much time with them, I know how my bio kids will react in certain situations, etc. But, again, as I get to know my adopted DS better, I'm getting better at anticipating his wants/needs. I definitely know him better as a person than I did when he first came into our family.

I do expect that as time goes on, and as we spend more time together and get to know each other better, my love for DS will increase. I can say that I love (and like) DS more today than I did three months ago. We've had some really nice bonding and mother-son times this summer.

Both DH and I believe that most of our struggles with integrating DS into our family have to do with DS's age when he joined our family, and with the language difficulties. If we adopt again (it's something we're considering right now), we would pursue an infant adoption. I would expect to bond with that baby more quickly than I bonded with DS, but probably more slowly than I did with my bio kids.

 

[pearlgirl]

We have two children. A daughter we adopted at age 3 who is now 6 and a biological daughter that is almost 15 months. I don't love one more than the other at all. I think there are differences in the relationships I have with each, but I believe it has little to do (if anything) with biology. Having birthed my younger daughter, carried her in my womb, nursed her (still nursing) our relationship is a very intense one. It just feels more intense than the relationship with my older daughter. I think though it's just because she is so young and so dependant on me, and many of her needs have to be met by me. My older daughter, we missed all that being that she was three. We were still able to bond with her, and we are very bonded, but she's also very independant. I don't feel like I have to give of myself to her like I do with the baby. Not as much.

I do worry that subconciously I love them differently, or that in the very least she will feel that I do. I really don't believe that I do though, I'm just insecure about it and it's not super common so it's not like there are people all over you can talk to about it and compare stories with.

We are planning to adopt again this fall, hopeing for two more children. At that point our biological child will be the minority. I'm glad we are adopting again for a lot of reasons, but the one most pertinent to this conversation is that our oldest won't feel alone being the only adopted child and the children adopted each at different times will know that adding children by adoption is something in our family that we really value so much so that we wanted to do it more than once.

We were capable of having biological children when we adopted the first time and we could be doing that now, but are choosing not to. We probably will have one more biological child down the road. I am proud of our mixed family and the choices we have made. I love both my kids as much as I can and I think there are differences in the relationships we have with our children no matter how they get here.

Sarah

 

[sesa70]

Thank you both for your answers. I wonder if the difference is the way in which you came about your adoptions?

It sounds like both pp's have adopted by choice, not out of neccesity, so to speak. I wonder if that was the whole problem with the woman I previously mentioned. I dont think she would have adopted could she have done anything at all differently and still have been a parent. BUT then again that sounds insulting to moms who adopted 'out of neccesity' but dont have these relationship issues with their adopted children. I dont know... I wonder if its just a personality difference? Maybe it wasnt so much that she wanted motherhood more than anything and instead felt a sort of obligation to parent? Like it was something she was supposed to do as opposed to wanted to do? Another piece to that puzzle is that she is having some very hard teenage years with one of her adopted children, and some very good and exceptional experiences with her teenage bio child and I wonder if that has soured things for her?

Either way, I appreciate your opennes and honesty about the situation.

 

[Hayes]

Wow. My SIL and her DH have 4 bio children and one adopted child. They are all oved, equally bur differently. I can;t EVER see my SIL saying that she loved them more or less because of their bio status anymore than she would say she loved the girls more than the boys.

Her children are "cousins" not the adopted cousin and the cousins. I can't imagine!

 

[luckymamato2]

Absolutely they are loved the same. I actually feel ds is much more special because he's such a miracle. His adoption almost failed and I am so thankful everything worked out in the end.

 

[dharmamama]

I love all three of my kids differently. My oldest joined us 11 weeks ago. I feel much compassion and concern for her. I really delight in learning what "makes her tick." I enjoy her company. But the really deep, connected love is not there yet. I am sure that it will come, but it will probably always look different than the love I feel for ...

My middle child joined us 4.5 years ago. She was a struggle from the start. She has always been very demanding and somewhat of a malcontent. She is also extremely bright, very verbal, very imaginative, and has a terrific sense of humor. She is the hardest child to parent and I feel that I have a deeper bond with her because I spend proportionally more time trying to figure out how to parent her correctly based on her "difficult" nature. I feel extremely connected to her, and that connection will probably always look different than the connection I have with ...

My youngest child joined us 21 months ago. He has always been very easy to parent. He is extremely laid back, although he does have a few annoying personality quirks. He is very funny and very active. He's fairly compliant, though not pathologically so. He loves to be loud and I am frequently amused by his silly facial expressions and body movements. He's a real cuddle bug and has wormed his way into my heart through his huge hugs and happy, sloppy kisses. He's the most likely to make me laugh, which has forged a strong bond between us.

All of my kids are different, and they all joined our family under different circumstances. I think that I will never love them "the same," and based on their personalities I think that I will have varying degrees of feeling connected to them at varying times in their lives. But I love them all for who they are, and I could not imagine my family without them. I don't think that my feelings for them are based on whether or not I gave birth to them (in fact, I had PPD and had a very rought first year with my bio child; much rougher than I have experienced thus far with adjusting to having my adopted kids). I think it depends on a lot on how our personalities mesh and how each kid responds to my parenting style.

To people who ask, "Do you love your adopted kids as much as your bio kids?" I say, "I love each of my kids for who they are."

Namaste!

 

[jayayenay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama All of my kids are different, and they all joined our family under different circumstances.

I just had to say that I love the wording you used when describing each of your children & your relationships with them. Rather than pointing out that R was born in and E & D were adopted in....they all just "joined" the family. I like that.

 

[Stevie]

Heck I love each of my children differently on different days and even in different hours of each day!

I actually feel more connected to my two younger kiddos, but I have been able to spend so much time with them. When my ODS was growing up I was a single parent working 2 or 3 jobs so he was raised by the school system and babysitters...

I do have to say that I feel entitled to parent all of them

and family and friends never remind me that they are or are not adopted rather than bio.

I grew up in a family where I was the stepchild. My stepfather's family always treated me differently than my younger brothers. The watershed moment was the grandparents' anniversary. One of the aunts asked all the grandchildren to gather for a picture but then stopped my older brother and I in the middle of the room and said the picture would only be for the real grandchildren. I was 10. It took some therapy in my 30s before I felt "real" again and I have absolutely no relationship now with any of those "family" members, including the stepfather. Considering I lived in his house from the age of 4 till 18, that's a very sad story

 

[RasJane]

Someone asked me this question when ds was about 4 months old. He was placed at birth (24 hours). My reply was that I love him fiercely, but what I felt for him was something akin to gestational love.
I loved my oldest when I was pregnant. It was somewhat guarded, because, during a pregnancy, there is always this fear that something can go wrong. Before the adoption was finalized, there was always this fear that something could go wrong. After all, ds2 wasn't really "ours" until the final decree.
Two years later, I can honestly say that my love for my boys is not depentant upon where they were gestated. I do love them differently, but I will love any future children differently too, simply because each child is different.

 

[dharmamama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevie Heck I love each of my children differently on different days and even in different hours of each day!

:

 

[Stayseeliz]

Thank you all for your responses..I have two bio children and we're just getting started on adopting and while I'm not concerned I'll love the child differently DH has been. And I worry that my in-laws might have problems. But it's nice to hear that all children are love differently but not to a lesser degree!!

 

[Starr]

I would think that as you are pregnant you have 9 months to sort ofb ond yourself t the baby. You can talk to it and you feel all the little kicks and hiccups that you start to know their behaviours. For adoption you start from scratch. Just last night I was looking back at our pictures from when we visited DD at 3 months. One was a pic up close and I wrote something about it being her happy face. I realized that at that time I had no idea what her facial expressions or movements meant. It took a while for me to read her and be able to know what she wants. Now if she gets fussy I can usually tell what it is she is wanting so its hard to remember there was a time I couldn't. When we first brought her home I was ecstatic and always felt that going out in public we were being watched a little more closely. Now I am too busy with her to even notice. I have been in Target and had someone ask me is she yours, it took me a moment to register that yes to outside people they can tell she is adopted, I replied of course. At this point I can't imagine loving her any less but maybe a different kind of love. I know my parents love me and my sister equally. Yet I was the child when faced with a rule would never break it. My one sister on the other hand was constantly in trouble for violating curfew and what not. We are just different.

 

[speairson]

I'll give my honest answer here too. With dd I had a very hard pregnancy and was told basically I could loose her at any time, so was as reserved as I could be during that time. When she was born I was completely in awe of her, and fell in love with her over the next day or two. I was able to nurse her and hold her constantly which I believe forged the intense bond so quickly.

When ds joined our family, it took longer to form that kind if intense bond I had developed with dd. I think because even at 11 months he was pretty independent and didn't want to be held for any length of time. I guess at first I felt like he really didn't NEED me

: . I know that may sound bad, but anyone could feed, bathe, comfort him, etc, and when we were out he would sometimes act as if he would just as soon go home with a stranger as us. As time passed though, he began to prefer dh and I for those things. Now, I know he needs me, and we have a very strong bond.

I would say that even though I love them both intensely and without reserve, I love them differently. Not one more than the other, just differently.