[MacKinnon]

<p>I was just talking with a good friend. She was sharing that she always agreed with her spouse in front of their kids, even when she didn't actually AGREE, she felt it was important to always present a unified front, 100% of the time. I have not, in fact, my DH and a disagree relatively frequently, but we always back each other up. They know they can't go around us, or say, get me to say yes when DH has said no. BUT, that doesn't mean we always agree in front of them, we might discuss it as a whole, or DH and I might discuss it. We've actually encouraged respectful discussion about consequences, etc. I might say no, but then DH will point out something, and suggest yes might be the better answer, but if I stick with no, he always backs me on it. We were both relatively surprised at the others perspective. Thoughts?</p>

 

[~PurityLake~]

<p>No, we don't do this. Mostly because we have opposite parenting techniques where we each think the other one is wrong, and because he is unwilling to discuss anything if it doesn't result in me agreeing with him.</p>

 

[mom2happy]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MacKinnon</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285739/do-you-make-a-point-of-always-agreeing-with-your-partner#post_16119190"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I was just talking with a good friend. She was sharing that she always agreed with her spouse in front of their kids, even when she didn't actually AGREE, she felt it was important to always present a unified front, 100% of the time. I have not, in fact, my DH and a disagree relatively frequently, but we always back each other up. They know they can't go around us, or say, get me to say yes when DH has said no. BUT, that doesn't mean we always agree in front of them, we might discuss it as a whole, or DH and I might discuss it. We've actually encouraged respectful discussion about consequences, etc. I might say no, but then DH will point out something, and suggest yes might be the better answer, but if I stick with no, he always backs me on it. We were both relatively surprised at the others perspective. Thoughts?</p>
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<p><br><br>
This is how we are too. I think it's ok for kids to see that there parents disagree and even get angry at each other.</p>
<p>We present a unified front when it comes down to virtues, but the little stuff we disagree on a lot. I dont overstep if he disciplines them, but if I think he is being harsh I'll tell him. He'll often still disagree, but eases up pretty quickly.</p>

 

[Galatea]

<p>No.  That sounds weird and pretty unhealthy.  When those kids grow up, they're going to have some unrealistic and inhibiting ideas of marriage.</p>

 

[goinggreengirl]

<p>Our little one is too young to notice but I can't imagine that we'll pretend like we agree though we won't allow the kids to get around us. We always support each other, but we don't always agree right away. Usually I'm the one to sway him but there are times when he's been able to change my mind.</p>

 

[cappuccinosmom]

<p>Hm.  Not really.  And we do have the leader/submit type of marriage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On issues of discipline with the kids, we take disagreement somewhere private and hash it out so they don't feel like they have an opening to take advantage of disagreement when it comes to our relationships with them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>On other things, I make a point not to *fight* and not to be mean or nasty to him (ever, not just in front of the kids).  We did not find out and out fighting to be healthy for our marriages.  But there's no problem with having a disagreement about a concept or thoughts, or what we want to do on the weekend.  On little issues, it's not worth fighting over.  I won't back down, but I also won't spend any time or effort trying to make him agree with me.  On big issues we talk it out over the course of several weeks, some in front of the kids and some in private.</p>

 

[MusicianDad]

<p>Uh, I'm not sure I can ever agree with anyone just for the sake of appearing unified...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That being said, I don't think you need to agree 100% in front of the kids to be or appear unified. For us, disagreeing and talking it out is part of showing our kids that you don't have to agree with someone completely just to be a team.</p>

 

[Neuromancer]

<p>My parents made a point of always backing each other up on parenting decisions.  When one disagreed about a parenting decision the other had made, they talked about it privately.  This made a big impression on me, even though it did not mean my sister and I never saw our parents arguing.  It just meant we knew they supported each other as parents 100% and would not allow their kids to pit them against each other in those "Mom said no, so let's ask Dad" sort of scenarios.  I hope my husband and I can do the same.</p>

 

[A&A]

<p>No, the kids see us disagree.  Being able to disagree respectfully is a healthy part of communication that kids need to learn.</p>
<p> </p>

 

[MacKinnon]

<p>Okey doke, I guess we're pretty normal in this! We don't let them go around us, there is no "I asked Dad and he said no, so now I'll ask Mom stuff." We make a big point of backing each other once a decision is made, but I couldn't possibly say we agree all the time. The friends in question are divorcing, and this has become an issue, because now they don't know how to respectful disagree about each others decisions while still supporting the other and validating the kids feelings. It's obviously more complicated because of the divorce, but I was so surprised when my friend said, "Oh no, we NEVER disagreeed with the other to the kids when it was about them." I was like, "What?" cause hardly a day goes by when something happens. Like this morning, my DH was frustrated with my DS who was tired and having trouble getting going. I reminded DH that DS was tired and it was still very early for him. DH slowed down and took a minute to snuggle, and life went on. This is very routine for us, so it obviously surprised me that they had never done this, intentionally. She was surprised at my perspective because she always thought disagreeing about the kids infront of them would be disruptive/harmful to the kids, that they needed to see their parents always on the same page.</p>

 

[daisymama12]

<p>Not only do we disagree in front of them, but we also don't always do things the same way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My 7 year old recently said something like, "Mum, you and Dad are both the best. Dad's the best because he gives us lots and lots of chances, and you're the best because you make us know the rules."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know if what we're doing is right or wrong, but it seems to be working </p>

 

[journeymom]

<p>Daisymama, your daughter sounds like a very observant young lady!  <span><img alt="orngbiggrin.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif"></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>Do I make a point of <em>always</em> agreeing with my partner?  No, not always. I'm with the rest, here.</span> We try to be respectful and present a united front for the most part. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But, and this is the flip side of the same coin, I struggle with holding my tongue and being respectful, and so I DO make more of a concerted effort to STOP-- and think before I disagree with dh in front of the kids, or correct him or intervene between them.   It's my own personal struggle and I'm proud that I've made progress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So I guess you could say that I do <em>sometimes</em> make a point of agreeing with my dh, even if my initial response is to disagree with him. </p>
<p> </p>

 

[skreader]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Neuromancer</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285739/do-you-make-a-point-of-always-agreeing-with-your-partner#post_16119337"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>My parents made a point of always backing each other up on parenting decisions.  When one disagreed about a parenting decision the other had made, they talked about it privately.  This made a big impression on me, even though it did not mean my sister and I never saw our parents arguing.  It just meant we knew they supported each other as parents 100% and would not allow their kids to pit them against each other in those "Mom said no, so let's ask Dad" sort of scenarios.  I hope my husband and I can do the same.</p>
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<p><br>
That is what my husband and I do as well. If one of the kids asks about something that we are not sure of, we defer the answer until we have spoken privately; or else back up the decision the other parent made and then discuss later. At the same time, our kids have heard us disagree about things - for example I'll see something in the paper and give my opinion, and DH may disagree w/ me or vice versa.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>

 

[Sayward]

<p>I fear that the only thing those children will learn is that mommies do not have opinions.</p>

 

[TinkerBelle]

<p>In our case, it is helpful to have DH back me up, or me back him up. Because our oldest has issues with me being his authority. (he has severe ADHD, possible Aspergers, etc)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Unless someone is being abusive, I don't see a problem with a united front, in some cases.</p>

 

[kittywitty]

<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/forum/thread/1285739/do-you-make-a-point-of-always-agreeing-with-your-partner#post_16119243" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Galatea</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285739/do-you-make-a-point-of-always-agreeing-with-your-partner#post_16119243"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p>No.  That sounds weird and pretty unhealthy.  When those kids grow up, they're going to have some unrealistic and inhibiting ideas of marriage.</p>
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<br>
I agree. That's just...weird. No, dh and I do not agree with everything. Not at all. I think it's good for my kids to see differing opinions and good debate.