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Do you make your child hug????

1247 Views 37 Replies 33 Participants Last post by  Rainbow
This is connected to the whole "Do you make your child say I'm sorry?"

Do you guys tell your child to hug and kiss people...(ie. friends and relatives).

We did in the beginning...even though I had heard it wasn't a good idea. We'd say "Jack, hug your cousin" "Kiss Mimi" "Hug Ben" etc. I kept telling myself I needed to stop, but it was a hard habit to break. Then he started hugging strangers, so I've stopped.

I do require DS to say hello to my parents when we enter their house. And I require him to say good-bye to people. But I try not to tell him he needs to kiss or hug people. It's kind of a mute point though because my parents somewhat force it on him. He doesn't really fight it. If he had strong oppositions to it, I'd stick up for him.

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I don't make mine hug. Its his body, therefore it is his choice. I want him to feel control over his own body and I don't want to set any kind of precidence of other people being able to force him to be touched in ways he doesn't feel comfortable with.

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Well I personally don't just because I wasn't raised as such. I mean I never kiss my own mom and dad. But my husband is Hispanic and in his culture people naturally greet each other w/a hug and a kiss. Like Italians. Since I've been married to him, I've been exposed to more cheek kisses and hugs than I ever had in my life! ha ha! but you know what? It feels nice like close family.

It hard to describe when you hug and kiss vs not. I mean hmmm.....Like you first meet someone from someone you do but if you meet lets say a stranger at the grocery store you don't (without an intro). There ya go if you meet with an intro you kiss & Hug and when you re-meet anyone there after.
i don't make my son hug anyone. (i also didn't make him start apologizing until he began understanding the concept of "i'm sorry = i won't do it again.")

i've suggested it before ("look, your friend is crying, he's sad because he hurt himself, why don't you go give him a hug and help him feel better?") but i have never insisted on it.

it always made me SO MAD when we'd be visiting his great-grandmother and she'd literally try to *force* him to hug her, even when he'd be screaming because she was unfamiliar and he didn't want to. i've had to actually physically *make* her stop hugging him and then console him before because she scared him so badly.
everyone thought i was weird or uptight for not allowing the issue to be pushed, but you know, i don't want him growing up thinking it's ok for people to force any sort of physical contact on him. if he grows up with the idea that it's ok to let someone hug him when he doesn't want it (and even after he's resisted), then what would he do if a stranger started doing the same thing? kids don't know the difference between an unfamiliar family member and a stranger.

bottom line: i just don't allow it. period.

if he wants to give someone a hug or kiss, that's allowed, as long as it's someone who is a friend or family member that we are very familiar with. for awhile he was going up and kissing every girl he thought was "pretty"
which i also had to put a stop to because even though *i* thought it was adorable, i also know it's pretty unacceptable (and would make people uncomfortable).
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Another "no" here. I do have him say "hello" and "goodbye" when we come home and leave. I also have him say goodnight to my parents before bed. I ask him if he wants to give someone a hug or kiss (i.e. my parents at bedtime, my sister when she's leaving from a visit, etc.). The only time I do cajole him a bit more is when his father drops him off from visitation, and even then I never force the issue.
no, I will tell them to tell suchs and such goodby or hello and it's up to them if they give a hug and kiss. The relative may ask but usually yana refuses. I won't force her to go outside her personal boundaries.
No! I sure wouldn't appreciate it if dh made me hug his relatives and friends, so I wouldn't force it on my children. Expressing affection should be a choice.
No, I don't make them hug. Sometimes I will ask if they want to before we're leaving the grandparents, but if they don't that's okay.
I don't force, and I don't understand why anyone would want a forced hug anyway.

I will say, "say goodbye," Or "give goodnights" but the kids are allowed to interpret that as they see fit. It might be holding on to me and saying something, it might be hugging or kissing the person. I model hugging family when we won't be seeing them for awhile, so the kids have chosen to do that as they got older. DD is a great hugger/kisser at this point (to those outside our immediate family) and DS is warming up to that. On their own time though.

I wouldn't want to be touched by someone who didn't want to touch me, much less be forced into doing it. KWIM?
no one has to hug here.. and for sure no one has to kiss.

i was molested by someone that was 'trusted' by my family (actually a family member) and so i don't take any chances letting anyone get close to my kids.

me there or not.
I will not insist that my kids (age 3 & 5) hug or kiss. I am adamant about giving them every single tool I can to protect them from people who might harm them, so I insist that *they* always have the right to set the terms of any kind of touching.

When my girls decline to give hugs, I have a relative who says things like "fine then, I won't let you play with my ducklings anymore."

It confuses the kids. They're not used to being manipulated, so they just don't get the connection between not hugging and witholding random joys.

I've explained to this relative over and over and over and in great detail why I won't make them hug & kiss and why her threats make me angry, but she maintains that I'm unreasonable. Whatever. I'll keep explaining it until she stops being such a jack*ss.
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no way- I dont' even make them hug us (Dh and I). No way- I just think it is far to infringing on their say-so over their own body.
I can not believe you someone fo you have family that expect as much!
No-ho-ho, I'd never make my daughter hug anyone. This is very different from manners that help strangers, friends, co-workers etc get along. Hugging is an expression of affection or love. When she initiates it on her own, as she does with a number of people, it's lovely, but I would never tell her to hug anyone.
I am a confirmed no-hugs person. I get out of the awkward you've-got-to-hug-me-before-you-leave by teaching my daughter to give pinkie kisses. If someone says "hug me" I just jump in and say no- wait; she's got a better trick, and have her blow kisses by using just her pinkie. It's very cute, and no one seems to notice that she didn't hug them. After a couple of times of this, people no longer ask her for hugs, but ask for pinkie kisses instead.

Originally Posted by waterproofmascara
I am a confirmed no-hugs person. I get out of the awkward you've-got-to-hug-me-before-you-leave by teaching my daughter to give pinkie kisses. If someone says "hug me" I just jump in and say no- wait; she's got a better trick, and have her blow kisses by using just her pinkie. It's very cute, and no one seems to notice that she didn't hug them. After a couple of times of this, people no longer ask her for hugs, but ask for pinkie kisses instead.
What a fantastic idea!

My daughter is 18 months old, and is very affectionate. She will often greet the other mom/baby pairs at playgroup by running toward them with her arms outstretched. She also likes to blow kisses at anyone and everyone - even strangers. But while she is quite comfortable with women, she is very reserved around any man other than her dad.

I will sometimes make the suggestion that she give family members a hug (i.e. my parents or brother) but only along the "would you like to..." vein, and only after she's warmed up. If she's not interested then that's the end of it. I will also refuse on her behalf when someone tries to pick her up and I know she's not likely to appreciate it.

I believe strongly that children have the right to their own space, just as adults do. To force them into giving hugs, kisses, et. would violate that.
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NO. I don't want to teach my son that people have a right to touch him. He's his own person and he can hug and kiss whomever he chooses. It just so happens however, that my son is a very affectionate boy and chooses to hug just about all of his friends and family, and often. But when he dosen't want to and he is being forced to, we're talking other 2 year olds here, I always come to his defense and explain that he dosen't want a hug right now and move him away from the other child.
No I do not make my kids hug or kiss anyone but I do teach them how to be polite about unwanted hugs and kisses from other. How to politely say NO, what to do if that does not work.

I for warn my kids about hugger in the family. My dh cured one of these people buy giving them a big hug and kiss on the lips (no tongue). Then told them that is how the kids fell, this lady was defiantly uncomfortable with his hug.

I am a non-hugger. So I have taught my kids how to stick out a hand for a shake and how to blow a kiss across the room. Respecting ones space does not give the kid or yourself the right to be rude. We stick up for the kids when they say no or they don't like to hug. (My dh comes from a hugging family) When they have done stuff like fine next time ------ to try to manipulate a hug we have said stuff like "Relative, I am sorry you are hurt by dc not giving you a hug. Would a hug from me help?" This usually embarrasses the relative and/or defuses the situation. We have also acted shocked and dismayed toward the black mailer hugger "Wow, Relative, that is so harsh for a little hug." "We have gone, I am sorry since dc can't ----- then I guess it would be better if you came and visit our home instead."
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I ask my DS to hug our friend who is in her 90's and adores him. She can't hear, so if he decides not to, no one is hurt, but he does it everytime, and it makes her week.

I would never make him do it.

I think saying "hello" and "good-bye" is good manners, and generally makes the other person feel welcome... but I would never force it.

And I would definitely never force higs. Don't we want our children to have have control over who touches them and who doesn't? How does the message carry over when they're 14, or 24, and dating?

Rain's dad was not in her life until she was 4ish, and when he came back he expected lots of hugs and kisses, and she was a pretty slow-to-warm-up kid who really didn't want to... and the more he asked, the less inclined she was. I stood up for her, tried to get him to see the dynamics, but he never got it, and it's an issue to this day.

The thing the Pissed me off the most, though, was when she was 4ish and I had just buckled her into her carseat in the back of the car, and I walked around to go to my seat... he opened the car door and was saying good-bye, and then he bent over and gave her a big hug and kiss and was like haha, got you... and she was strapped in and couldn't escape, she was powerless... I was so FURIOUS at him, and she was pretty angry, too...

FWIW, she hugs her friends now, and her non-dad relatives... just not him. Wonder why....

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No way no how. And if he wants to hug another kid who doesn't want to hug him, I say "I don't think they want a hug right now." I really want ds to respect his and others' personal boundaries.

Grr, I have more to say but he's awake. I should go to bed anyway.
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