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Do you question your parenting style?

  • Yes, but I still think I am doing the right thing

    Votes: 47 47.0%
  • Yes, and I am looking to change

    Votes: 13 13.0%
  • No, I know I am doing the right thing

    Votes: 40 40.0%
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
(set up...I'll try to keep it short)<br><br>
Last night, I had a mom's night with 2 friends. We spent most of the time just talking and it became obvious that we all question our parenting styles. We are all APish people. However, my kids are, um, loud and bouncy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: Both of these parents have very laid back kids. The one mom was afraid that she was crushing her son's spirit. The other mom worried that her kids are such good rule followers that she is forcing it on them more than she realizes. I worry that we don't force enough because we only enforce the rules that make sense. (for example, no climbing UP a slide IF someone is coming down. If no one is there, go ahead)<br><br>
So, do you ever question your parenting style? Do you feel like you are somehow shorting your child by parenting the way you do?
 

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For the most part, i do not. What i am doing is right for my family (It just might not be right for others).<br><br>
Sometimes i feel like a squirrel crossing a six lane highway though.
 

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I feel really insecure in my parenting. I feel like I try to follow GD, but have a hard time in practice, sometimes, and I have major guilt when I mess up, especially since it seems to happen regularly.
 

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I'm still fighting the societal belief that if I don't use harsh punishments my kid will grow up to be a criminal.<br>
(I have that same rule about the slide, BTW. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> )
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
mamakay-<br><br>
Me too! I found that both of my friends use timeouts with their kids and we don't. Although we do put toys in time out if they are not played with nicely or if mommy has to clean up, but I have never put Goo in timeout and I see it all of the time!
 

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My rebellious, challenging child is turning into a wonderful little human being. Other than what I am doing, really, what other choice do I have?<br><br>
The only other choices I can see are to hit her, isolate her, or shame her. What kind of choices are those? She may not be very obedient at times, she may be outspoken. She may question everything. But then, she's a smart girl, why not question everything?<br><br>
I have a lot of natural consequences. The older she is, the more she understands why things must be the way they are. If it makes logical sense to her she will cooperate and respect what I am saying. If it doesn't make sense to her she will rebel and challenge me.<br><br>
We had a battle over why she couldn't play in the front seat of my car. I told her the airbag would hurt her if it went off. She didn't believe me so I found crash test video showing the airbag going off and she hasn't sat in the front seat since.<br><br>
Children are going to turn out to be who they were meant to be-- we can't change personalities. We can, however, try to make the most of whatever personalities they have rather than beating it out of them.
 

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I chose "No, I know I am doing the right thing." because I think that it fits me to at least 98.9% <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> I am human and we all have those freaky little doubts sometimes, but overall I really think the way I am doing it great. We don't enforce rules really either.
 

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I really don't.<br><br>
Maybe I'm just lucky to have a fairly "easy" child, but she's proof that the choices I have made are the right ones, or at least they are for my child, myself, and my husband.<br><br>
I'm reminded of that constantly when I am out in public places with lots of children and I see how happy and well-adjusted DD is compared to many other children (not all, of course - I know plenty of great kids!).<br><br>
Don't mean to sound smug, just happy and confident! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I think it is important to constantly question ones parenting style, and to search for alternative solutions, etc. In doing this, we can continue to grow and improve as our children also continue to grow.<br><br>
I try to read different approaches, and also gather opinions from other folks. Then I adjust the advice to suit our family.<br><br>
Each child is unique, and each stage they go through constantly challenges us to find other solutions. Just when you think you've got 'em figured out, they go and do something totally out of the ordinary!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Suzetta, I'm with you.<br><br>
I question my parenting choices all the time, but I consider myself quite confident in what I do. That sounds inconsistent, but I think it's important to continually examine my choices and the results. And of course the kid is only 8 mos, so she's changing all the time and I'm scrambling to keep up!<br><br>
I think if I stopped questioning, I'd stop learning. But I think the question might have meant questioning in a more insecure way.
 

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I think my parenting is the main area of my life I DON'T question myself about. I'm certainly always learning and have grown a lot, but overall I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job with the one I've got so far. We'll see how it goes with #2.<br><br>
The thing is, dd is strong willed yet very sensitive. I'm very laid back and have few rules- partially as a result of dd's personality. I ask my dd nicely to do things, or stop doing things. I give explanations- and generally try to be nice and respectful. She usually does what I say, is very polite, etc. Sometimes I carry her out of a place screaming- but that happens to everyone with a kid this age.<br><br>
I don't see my dd acting any worse than anyone else's kid. I know other parents who spank, do time outs, say "no" harshly and repeatedly- I don't see their kids becomming little angels.<br><br>
I am happy with my parenting style because I feel like I can be happy about how I've acted and I'm setting a good example (most of the time.) Anyhow- I'd rather be kind than be right.
 

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Yup. As my kids grow and change, I am constantly changing my strategy. What worked well for our family last week might not work this week.<br><br>
I'll also admit that as my children have grown, I've become more strict about certain things. I'm still GD/AP, but I'm working towards expecting obedience of my children, but asking them to do fewer things.
 

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It took me a long time to become a parent (long story) and I had a lot of years to think about the kind of parent I wanted to be. That being said, I still had no clue what to do when dd was born but I knew what I hoped the outcome would be. So, I started there. I have always put her interests and need first and found ways to fold her into our lives instead of forcing her to fit into our world. Does that make sense? We adjust as a family instead of just going back to the way things were before she came along. She is turning into a remarkable little person and she is happy and smart and feisty and wonderful. I know that it is impossible to be a perfect parent; it does not exist. So, I try to be the good enough parent to her and be open to new ideas and yet stick to my values and my instincts. All that being said, I do like the way I am parenting and finally, after 2.5 years, feel confident about it.<br><br>
Now, that doesn't mean I know all the answers. That is what I post here for!
 

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Well, I do see my gd'd, AP'd kid excercising some freedoms other mainstream parented kids don't.<br>
For example, at the park, the mom next to me tells her child to "come here" and the kid comes over.<br>
My son might or might not come to me when I ask.<br>
(I'm speaking of 2ish aged children, btw).<br>
But, here in the dirty South, if a child does not do what they're told the first time, they're chased down and hit. That's the rule and not the exception.<br>
So, I know I could literally beat my baby into obediance, but I'm choosing not to. But I do see kids who are punished obeying better.<br>
So, I'm just going with my gut and hoping for the best. I'm just trusting that when he's 4 or 5 and I say "Come here. Your shoelace is untied", he'll either tie his shoe himself, or come over and let me (most of the time...I'm not ever expecting 100% compliance). Or at least wait right there while I come over and do it for him...or something like that...lol...<br>
Another example is a close friend of mine with a son who's about 28 months. She started hand swatting as soon as her son could crawl, and out-right spanking before 8 months.<br>
Now it's progressed to ear pulling, as well, while yelling "I know you didn't just..."<br>
I just saw the ear pulling thing Monday while dh, ds, and I were over at her house for a BBQ. (I'm really wondering if this might be a friendship deal breaker. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> )<br>
Anyway, her son is much, much more obedient than mine.<br>
She can actually trust her son to not wander into the street. My ds, also 6 months younger, can't be trusted at all when it comes to street saftey.<br>
Anyway, GD is, I guess, the only area that I see as not being super-short-term-immediate-gratification-obviously-the-best. The babywearing and cosleeping and bfing and natural health parts "worked" from day one.<br>
The dicipline thing is more of a long term investment.<br>
I'm really just going with my gut and expecting the best, I guess.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamakay</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So, I know I could literally beat my baby into obediance, but I'm choosing not to. But I do see kids who are punished obeying better.</div>
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<span>Yea being terrified probably goes a long way in making sure you don't "set mom off", ya know? Obedience through fear sucks, IMO.</span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">So, I'm just going with my gut and hoping for the best. I'm just trusting that when he's 4 or 5 and I say "Come here. Your shoelace is untied", he'll either tie his shoe himself, or come over and let me (most of the time...I'm not ever expecting 100% compliance). Or at least wait right there while I come over and do it for him...or something like that...lol...</td>
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<span>Or maybe he'll want to just ignore it. Or maybe he we'll want to take his shoes off? It's so great to have the options isn't it? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Anyway, her son is much, much more obedient than mine.<br>
She can actually trust her son to not wander into the street. My ds, also 6 months younger, can't be trusted at all when it comes to street saftey.</td>
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<span>It's hard to not compare isn't it? It could very well be a developmental thing you are observing though. Perhaps your son, at just 22 months, hasn't really made the connection between fast vehicles, himself, and danger yet. It will likely come soon enough, and you won't have had to be unkind (what most mainstream discipline looks like to me if I am being honest) along the way.</span><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">The dicipline thing is more of a long term investment.<br>
I'm really just going with my gut and expecting the best, I guess.</td>
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<span>I agree it's the longest term really... because it changes over the course of their childhoods. Trying and hoping for the best are really cool in my book <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"></span>
 

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most of my sentiments have already been expressed here. what i find is that as my dd grows older i find i become a more confident parent as i see the results of my parenting style on my dd. i always question am i doing the right thing. do i really understand what my dd's needs are.<br><br>
but i have the added stress of having an xh and fil who just dont get my dd's personality and try to force a schedule or 'this is how it should be' method. initially it made me v. v. insecure about my parenting style even though i knew i was doing the right thing. it still does - but i can look back and see how i have done so far and realise i am on the right track.
 

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In general I feel pretty confident but yes sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing - much more so with my older children then my younger ones actually.<br><br>
I try to place a lot of trust in my teenager for example, and if say he gets accused of something at school but flat out denies it I will give him the benefit of the doubt and support him. Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing more - if I should be rougher on him, if I should scold and punish him instead. But he is SUCH a good kid overall that I have to believe this is working (so far at least). My parents never trusted in me and I know that hurt so much when I was a teen.<br><br>
*Sigh* Parenting is really hard sometimes.
 

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Yes - I sometimes question my parenting style. I think it is normal. Raising children is such a huge and important undertaking that it is alright to be uncertain at turns. I think I have the general idea correct, but the details, I'm still working those out.<br><br>
ellen
 

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While I am always thinking about what I'm doing, and code- shifting with various children and their particular needs, I am very secure about my mothering. I enjoy my children a lot. I feel blessed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
THanks for the great responces guys!<br><br>
I also hate that Goo doesn't come when I ask, etc, but I want to raise her so she doesn't take crap from anyone. I guess that includes us. But we are teaching respect and I think that is really important..
 
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