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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I'm new so I'm just going to jump right in. I'm a sahm and wonder if others have this experience!

Being a parent sometimes makes me think that I'm a lot like the sofa in our living room. Our daughter is used to having me around and I'm there when she wants comfort, but otherwise I'm not really noticed.

Our daughter just turned eleven, and after I had worked for two days preparing for her slumber party, I overheard her tell her grandma, "I'm glad my birthday is on a Saturday and I'm glad my daddy is here to celebrate with me." Granted, her daddy does travel a lot, but the sofa's ears had perked up and the sofa has feelings, too.

This same kid also throws "Mommy Appreciation Day" parties; complete with all the things she has made by herself, just for me: decorations, snacks, games, and gifts, and with dancing and music. She rescues worms from the sidewalks and makes cat greeting cards to sell to raise money for homeless animals. And I'll always smile when I remember mother's day when I was horribly sick in bed all day, but every time I blearily opened my eyes I'd see a different color flower on my nightstand, freshly picked from the back yard quietly snuck into the bedroom with get-well wishes by my little girl.

But back to invisibility, a good example is a comment she made when she was six; the two of us were out walking. She burped a loud burp, smiled, then said to me, "I don't have to say 'excuse me' because there's no one here."

Do you feel invisible sometimes, too?
 

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Yes, sometimes. Not by my family though!

I think your daughter feels free with you. She feels no pressure and that is a good thing. You are doing a god job. I would not read into that burp comment as you are. It really demonstrates how comfortable and free she is with you.

 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You've just made me realize how our daughter might be feeling when she says these things! It's some kind of blind love, I think!

I've never had a mother figure (not a decent one anyway) in my life; I was pretty much raised by my older sister. I had no parents or grandparents who gave me unconditional love. To be young and completely take your mother's love for granted... this is a new thought for me. But that's how she feels, right?

Thank you for the kind words and the hug!
 

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invisible by my child? not at all. but he is still a baby. i'm sure when he's a teenager and hates me it'll be a different story


i do sometimes feel invisible to the outside world. but i don't mind.. i tend to not like other people anyway
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
To be young and completely take your mother's love for granted
Yes! Oh, this brought a small lump into my throat.

I completely understand OP, my mom wasn't really hands-on and was gone a lot (working, partying, whatever) so I always longed for that connection. I think it's absolutely wonderful to be taken for granted in this situation, when you think of the alternative.

You're definitely doing something right.

Big hugs for you and your DD.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
Am I really the only mom who sometimes feels she's being taken for granted?
No, I feel that quite often as well! Just part of being a parent, sometimes.

My husband sometimes thinks that he works hard and long hours and misses all of the school assemblies and parties...and no one notices, they just take for granted that the money will keep rolling in to our bank account
. So just goes to show that our partners can feel the same way.

But from the outside looking in: sounds like you're raising a wonderful girl, and a thoughtful girl to pick all of those lovely flowers with her mama in mind
.
 

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Wanted to share a funny story:

Yesterday we were at swim lessons and I usually sit right by DS's class (he had a bad experience last session and is easing his way back into swimming). After 20 minutes, I told him I was going over to DD's class to watch her for a little while and he said "It's okay, I don't need you" (I immediately thought of this thread). I laughed and said "Gee, thanks." It took a second before he registered the comment and then laughed.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
Being a parent sometimes makes me think that I'm a lot like the sofa in our living room. Our daughter is used to having me around and I'm there when she wants comfort, but otherwise I'm not really noticed.
I do not think this must be experienced as negative per se. At least not, when they are enough occasions where you do FEEL appreciated for being there, and visible.

I would compare it to a good friendship, where you can feel just so comfortable together that silent moments together must not mean there's a 'problem' and are just part of it and can be just as enjoyable as all the easily distinguishable 'fun'.

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Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
Our daughter just turned eleven, and after I had worked for two days preparing for her slumber party, I overheard her tell her grandma, "I'm glad my birthday is on a Saturday and I'm glad my daddy is here to celebrate with me." Granted, her daddy does travel a lot, but the sofa's ears had perked up and the sofa has feelings, too.
Love your wording, 'SOFA', lol. I can relate (just did two bd parties in the last 2 months lol)! Still, the need for daddy to be there is because he's not usually there, while you are. That's reality. That's how your child experience his/her reality. You may experience this as invisibility. You may also experience it as privilege to be with your child to the extent that he/she becomes so used to you that you just are 'together'.
When I need some space or appreciation for being me, or being there and noticed, I just tell so and hope it may help people to be more considerate of me in the future, they can not always 'smell' what we think or feel. What helps me too, is realising, or experiencing that I will be missed too (just like their dad) when I'm out of the picture for a while.
Eg I have been working alone in the garden for several hours in a row and I heard my little ds inquire about me, and I found that so sweet, and it made me feel missed and un-invisible, when I entered the house again, dss were thrilled to see me. And I showed them what I'd been changing in the garden. The alone time also helped me relax 'away' from permanent 'stand-by' mode.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
This same kid also throws "Mommy Appreciation Day" parties; complete with all the things she has made by herself, just for me: decorations, snacks, games, and gifts, and with dancing and music. She rescues worms from the sidewalks and makes cat greeting cards to sell to raise money for homeless animals. And I'll always smile when I remember mother's day when I was horribly sick in bed all day, but every time I blearily opened my eyes I'd see a different color flower on my nightstand, freshly picked from the back yard quietly snuck into the bedroom with get-well wishes by my little girl.
This is just sooooooooooooooo sweet, and creative of her!

Ds1 got me a bouquet of flowers recently, completely his idea, and I truly melted!
I do not need to be 'visible' all of the time to my children/partner/family. If I feel it often enough, that's fine. I also am not THAT consciously around the other people in this household ALL of the time.

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Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
But back to invisibility, a good example is a comment she made when she was six; the two of us were out walking. She burped a loud burp, smiled, then said to me, "I don't have to say 'excuse me' because there's no one here."
laughupJUST SO FUNNY! I would feel this 'trust' of my child to do 'his thing' as a compliment and might even have 'burped' back and have a little fun between us and laugh about it for being our 'little secret from the well-behaved judging world around us' .


Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes View Post
Do you feel invisible sometimes, too?
Yes. But what bothers me more is wanting invisibility at times and not getting any!


Hmmm. And I thought maybe the topic would be about invisibility as a sahm to people outside of the household. Like, seeing you and your children as an extention of each other. Or just not seeing you at all. And I must admit, sometimes I willingly behave as their extention (when I'm facilitating/taking part in their activities)but the same counts for the other way around (me doing mty thing and children hanging around me) :).
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you for the replies! I have read them over very thoughtfully.

I guess this is another instance when the baggage of childhood abuse once again rears its head. My feelings are not normal, I think, I get very sad when I feel like I'm invisible to my family, but from what you guys are saying it is not a bad thing! I really appreciate your responses and the hugs, too.

Motherhood is tough without a role model. I keep thinking our child should appreciate what I would appreciate but she's a different individual with a completely different type of childhood.

SAHDS, thanks for the cute story! Your son is very sharp to have realized what he said, lol!

limabean, that link was terrific, that was definitely me playing the part of the mom in case you didn't recognize me.
Thanks for the laugh!
 

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interestingly enough, i'm kind of the opposite. my kids' lives revolve around me, especially my younger son, but everyone else? i feel like i'm invisible to them. i struggled with having an identity of my own after my first son and now that i have 2, i wonder if anyone notices me over my husband and my kids.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by tjjazzy View Post
interestingly enough, i'm kind of the opposite. my kids' lives revolve around me, especially my younger son, but everyone else? i feel like i'm invisible to them. i struggled with having an identity of my own after my first son and now that i have 2, i wonder if anyone notices me over my husband and my kids.
I'm somewhere in the middle experiencing both types of invisibility, don't know yet if this is rather convenient
or sad
, probably both, and depending on my mood and the situation
.
 
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