[allgirls]

I have almost daily conversations about heavy issues, drugs, alcohol, sex...etc. My oldest is almost 14, and I have a 10 year old as well(and a baby but we don't talk much yet

)

I have very attached, independant kids...my sister has very dependant kids but they are not attached as such...seh knows nothing about their lives(because she would freak out as my niece puts it) I get the feeling she is so strict that they can't possible live up to it because it would set them so far apart from their friends. When my neice started her period she didn't know what it was(at 11) because my sister had never talked to her about it yet she was obviously developing.

My sister is a very involved with her kids mother...drives them to all their events, runs their baths, homework...yet really knows nothing about them except what she needs to know...it's really disconcerting...she thinks she has it all figured out...

And she thinks I am letting my girls know stuff way too early...but I think education and communication is the key to preventing trouble...and I don't freak out no matter what they tell me because I want them to tell me something...they play their music for me(omg the language) and we talk about how the artist is creating an image with the language etc etc.

My daughter forbids the music but he kids listen to it anyway behind her back( I know all this because our kids are friends) I think I am in a better position, she thinks I am a weird, permissive hippie mama who will have alcoholic, druggies who get pregnant at 14 etc etc.

Am I doing ok? My girls are pretty well adjusted..happy...not in that teenage funk yet...

Or should I tighten the reins a little...whaddya think?

 

[fourgrtkidos]

IMHO, you are doing the "right" thing. Your sister needs to understand that just because she doesn't talk about it to her kids (alcohol, drugs) or she forbids certain things (bad music) doesn't mean her kids don't know about it or aren't exposed to it. You have talked to your children about the very real dangers they are going to face. Now they have facts in stead of misinformation, and most importantly a familiarity with you, trust that you won't "freak out" and a repoir so that they can talk with you about these things (and more) anytime they need to. A good example is that you know your neice and nephew listen to forbidden music and (your sister doesn't) can talk to them about why the artist is choosing the language and picture what they are trying to portray.

It seems to me that your sister is living in some fantasy that if it isn't talked about, it doesn't exist in her kids lives. Over the past 4 years 5 girls ages 13-17 have become pregnant in our Church's youthgroup. Each one came from a family who thought that the less the girl knew about sex the less likely she would be about having pre-marital sex. The parents thought by keeping the girls in the dark they wouldn't be exposed to it. It set these girls up for 1. curiosity over taking them. 2. not knowing who to talk to for support when their boyfriend was pressuring them because sex was a taboo subject at home and they thought that thier parents would "freak out" if they asked them how to deal with it.

Keep talking to your kids. You are doing the right thing.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

Quote:

Originally Posted by allgirls And she thinks I am letting my girls know stuff way too early...but I think education and communication is the key to preventing trouble...and I don't freak out no matter what they tell me because I want them to tell me something...they play their music for me(omg the language) and we talk about how the artist is creating an image with the language etc etc. just the right thing to do! My daughter forbids the music but he kids listen to it anyway behind her back( I know all this because our kids are friends) I think I am in a better position, she thinks I am a weird, permissive hippie mama who will have alcoholic, druggies who get pregnant at 14 etc etc. The best way to prevent is for them to have knowledge beforehand. That way the do not have to make a decision on the spot. But rather they can make a decision ahead of time and stick with it when confronted. For example. I talk with my son about drugs because it is sooooo prevalent in my town. Instead of caving to peer pressure. My son has made a decision he will NEVER do drugs. When a kid tried to get him to smoke at behind the fence at a sleep over last week he said it was easier to say no and walk awy because he already knew he didn't want to, he didn't have to decide right then. He already had made up his mind. Also, he said he knew that if he had smoked he could have taked with me about it because "I wouldn't have gone balistic", his words. Am I doing ok? My girls are pretty well adjusted..happy...not in that teenage funk yet... Or should I tighten the reins a little...whaddya think? keep doing what your doing. You are a great Momma!

 

[pugmadmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by allgirls ...but I think education and communication is the key to preventing trouble...I think I am in a better position, she thinks I am a weird, permissive hippie mama who will have alcoholic, druggies who get pregnant at 14 etc etc...

I think all you can do is follow your heart. I've seen kids get into huge trouble with druges, etc. whose parents were very open and who had communicated well. I've seen kids stay on the right path whose parents had their heads in the sand. There's just no "insurance plan" that will guarentee our kids will be spared from life's problems.

Having said that, I am very communicative with my child. He's only 12 but we talk freely about sex, drugs, etc. I hope that this on-going, open dialogue will help him make good choices in his life, but, honestly, who knows? I think all we can do is what we believe is best. If you feel good about your relationship with your children, if you believe it's in their best interest, then stay on that path.

 

[Arduinna]

personally I think daily conversations are excessive, unless it's a byproduct of something the child brings up. I think harping on stuff too much can have the opposite effect. Especially if someone feels that they aren't being trusted.

 

[Dar]

Yeah... we talk about stuff as it comes up, but sex, drugs, and alcohol don't seem to come up anywhere near that often here.

Although this week the topic of homosexuality and gay marriage has come up 2 or 3 different times for Rain, and she's been in the inenviable position of trying to stand up for what she believes is right, but also be sensitive to a friend who is a strict Catholic and believes that homosexuality is morally wrong. We perhaps live a charmed Northern California life, but I don't think Rain had ever met anyone who believed this way... and this is a girl Rain is friends with and really gets along with well. So, we've talked about it some, and it's given her some new paradigms to consider...

But that's not really sex, anyway. More like sexuality. And this has been an unusual week...

Dar

 

[Colorful~Mama]

we also talk about stuff as it comes up. my dd is 14.5 and is sheltered in some ways from the real world, but in other ways and on other levels she's extremely well read and informed. her father and i have talked to her about sex, hiv/aids, politics and other big issues when its come up. Either when she's brought it up, or there was just a good opportunity.

I think as attached parents we want to arm our kids with what they'll need to survive as well as letting them know that we're open to talk about anything they want or need to. We dont' want our kids sneaking around doing things behind our backs. We dont' want to be unapproachable.

you're the mom. Do what you feel is best for your kids. Don't worry bout what others will say or think. No matter what you say or do, someone will think its the wrong thing.

This is a scary time for parents, the teen years - folks think its hard raising a baby and keeping a toddler safe...but the truth is the work really gets tough when they hit about 11 or 12 and you have to work twice as hard to keep them safe.

 

[beatgirl]

Wow...too many parallels

i have a 14 year old, a 10 year old and a baby too!

The only difference is my 10 year old is a boy.

I talk openly with my children about almost everything as well. My oldest has always asked lots of questions and every year as she gets older I would give her more detailed and age appropriate answers...I do the same with my son.

She is incredibly well rounded and responsible so far. We have an incredible mother/daughter relationship. We are friends but she also respects me as her mother. Yes we do argue occasionaly about clothes or other trivial stuff, but we wouldnt be human if we didnt try to guide our children in the right direction.

I have friends with kids the same age and same thing...she doesnt talk with them about things as they come up until it is too late. Her kids hide everything from her...I feel bad because they come to me with it...because they feel comfortable I guess.

I have absolutely no regrets with the way I am raising my children. They know they can come to me with anything. And if I dont have the answers...we look for them together.

I plan on raising my baby girl the same way.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I think talking with kids is vitally important! It's also something that is really lacking in so much of the parenting I see, sad to say. We talk constantly with our children, and they do with us too.. about EVERYTHING! It has always been this way for us. Nudity, sex, drugs, drinking, music, television and movies,religion,... and on and on. The kids cannot even remember a time where we had "The talk" about sex... because they grew up with it being dicussed openly and matter of factly without secrets or shame.

We do not censor or limit any of the entertainment choices whether it be music, video or PC games. or movies. The kids have always been supported and encouraged to make their own viewing and listening choices, and to think about what they are ready for. Also, we have used music lyrics and scenes in art and movies for many candid discussions. We may not always agree, but there is absolutely no question that we know where each other stands on different topics.. and that those children know without a doubt they can come to us no matter what, and that we will be there for them. It's a terrific feeling, because I know that even though they are getting into teenagerhood now that they can call me on the more adult issues they will be facing.

Kristi

 

[alternamommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa The kids cannot even remember a time where we had "The talk" about sex... because they grew up with it being dicussed openly and matter of factly without secrets or shame.

I agree. Mine are 10 and 8 and though somedays it makes me blush furiously, we talk about everything and anything with complete honesty. It's hard but worth it.

I think I experimented a lot because I wasn't given accurate, honest information.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Oh yes, I *know* I experimented because I didn't have the info. My mom sorta dropped the ball there.... I got pregnant very young (with both kids) and it was hard. I was determined to have another road available to my kids. So many children will walk the road I did, and it's sad because it doesn't have to be that way. Kristi

Quote:

Originally Posted by alternamommy I agree. Mine are 10 and 8 and though somedays it makes me blush furiously, we talk about everything and anything with complete honesty. It's hard but worth it. I think I experimented a lot because I wasn't given accurate, honest information.