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Do you think i did the right thing?!

1359 Views 27 Replies 12 Participants Last post by  trinity6232000, 
J
Sorry this is a long story


When i was 3 mos preg, my ds father and i finally started renting a 2 bdroom house. 1 month later the business that we were BOTH working for went under and we lost our jobs without notice. Within 2 days ( despite being pregnant) I found a new job working evenings running a MAC'S corner store, but for some reason he was unable to find work. Money was tight but because i took extra shifts i was able to pay the rent and bills.

Suddenly after new years when i was aprox 6 mos preg my ds father started having an excessive amount of friends over .. EVERY NIGHT...even OVER night...
They were doing drugs and drinking and being loud...puking on my carpet and things were just getting out of hand...
I was beginning to retain A LOT of water and when i got home from standing for 9 hours i was BEAT.. and to walk into a home FILLED with loud people, smoke filled air, and an uncaring partner was not acceptable.
I told every one to " GET THE **** OUT OF MY HOUSE! " i was furious.. they were disrespecting me, and my home.
This made my ex mad. He then started inviting them over for the whole day, even when i was trying to sleep... 1 of the people was a girl a year younger than I. I became justifully suspicious when she started spending the night in my livingroom and he neglected to come up and sleep with me.

I had told him on MULTIPLE occasions.... " you cheat on me, and you are cheating on your son. I will not raise a child with a cheater"...

Eventually, he stopped meeting me at work after i was done, or bringing me dinner... we only lived 2 mins from my work so there was no reason other than his excessive partying that he couldn't do these things.
Heck i was 7 mos preg and he was making me walk home ALONE at night in the Middle of the damn winter.

One night he told me he doesnt want me to come home after work because he's having an even larger party. I snapped. He told me to go sleep at my mothers or something. He told this all to me RIGHT before i left for work so i had no time to make plans or anything, not that i should have had to.

I ended up staying at my mothers and the next day when i went back to the house... guess who i found walking down the stairs from MY room ... that girl.
I stormed up stairs and my bed was a mess, the sheets were hardly attached.. condom wrappers EVERYWHERE... in the room, in the washroom.
I went back down stairs and B*tched her out for at least a half an hour straight about wrecking my childs life, wrecking my family, and etc... she had NO remorse.

I promptly moved my stuff out and left him with all the bills and rent, and seeing he was jobless he ended up losing everything.

When my son was born i gave him the option of visitation. I even told him he could watch the birth if he desired to do so.
He didn't show up at all for 3 days after i gave birth, he wasn't even there during the birth. The only reason he came was because his sister picked him up and made him come with her to see his son. They brought the new gf as well which i found awkward to say the least.
They stayed for 15 mins and then i never heard from him again for 2 months.
He told me he wanted to see his son ( this was after his gf URGED him to ) so i allowed him to take my ds for a few hours, here and there.. this went on for about 3-4 visits then he dissapeared..

For another 4 months i didn't hear from him... then he popped up again after he heard i had a new partner and started telling me he still loves me and that he wants to see his son ( i didn't buy that loving crap, he cheated, end of story for that relationship ) .. i gave him a second chance and let him start taking his son for weekends.

This went GREAT for about 1 month.. then he dissapeared AGAIN...

He didn't contact me for a few more months, and when he did it was from 4hours away, as he apparently moved.
He wanted to take his son for a week, and i was very skeptical.. but i knew his gf would be the one mostly taking care of my ds, and i trusted her because she was really great with him, despite how she ruined our relationship.
I said yes, with SPECIFIC rules, they were to call every night to reassure me he was ok, and to have him back on the specified date.
They couldn't even manage to follow these simple rules. I got 1 phone call on the first night and that was it.. until they finally decided to drop him off... 1 day late.

Eventually i ended up moving 4 hours away... 20 mins from where he lives... and concidering that we were so close in distance i figured he would try a little harder... apparently i was wrong.

He never called or anything for MONTHS this time... right through his sons 1st birthday, and 1st christmas and first easter... NOTHING... no gifts, money, or simple call..

Speaking of money, at this point he had not once given me a cent in support.

Months went on and finally I got a call.. he ended up breaking up with his gf and called to say he wants me back and he's sorry...
OBVIOUSLY i hung up.
If he is going to call me it is to be about our son, not about us, there is no US.

I didn't hear from him again till after my son was 2 years and 2 months old. So again, he missed his 2nd christmas, and 2nd birthday, and 2nd easter...

This was my last chance for him.. he wanted to see his son he said... he had recently gotten laid off and i was parted from my s/o at the time and staying at my mothers 4 hours away and he wanted to rent a motel room there for a week and take his son and get to know him..

I said ok.. and I ended up going get him with his sister and my son..
He was doing GREAT with my ds... i was sooo happy to see them getting along so well, my ds didn't even play shy.

At the end of that week my s/o and i decided to end our "break" and i moved back to our apt 4 hours away... 20 mins from my ds fathers apt... and my ex went back to his apt..

We kept in contact and he started taking him every second weekend regularly ... this happened approx 4 times.. so about 2 months... then 3 weekends ago it was his designated weekend (MUTUAL AGREEMENT) and he didn't call...

I proceeded to drive 20 mins to his apt where his room mates gf answered the door only to tell me he had a fight with his room mate and moved out..
I was given a new number to him and called it immediately, very mad that i hadn't received a call to let me know what was going on..

He never called back...

Finally i called again and got a hold of him.. i told him his actions were unexcusable and that he is no longer allowed to see his son until he starts paying support ( concidering he wasn't ) and started coming to get him on the bus instead of making me drive 20 mins there and back on fridays and sundays.

I told him that for the first little while he would not be able to take him for the weekend anymore and that it would have to be day visits within my city.

His response to this was "whatever"... so i said "fine, you don't deserve him in YOUR life."

I told him about how his son screamed DADDDYYY DADDDYYYY and balled his little eyes out when i came down from his apt and he wasn't with me... my son couldn't comprehend why daddy wasn't taking him for the weekend and he was heart broken, and in turn, so was I.

Yet, this didnt faze him... he just didn't seem to care... so i hung up.

Again i haven't heard from him for almost 2 weeks now... and frankly, although i wish things would have been differently.. im kinda happy with it being this way.. I can't allow him to break my ds' heart OVER and OVER again... it will mess the child up mentally.

I didn't put my ds fathers name on the birth certificate or the registration, i put the father as UNKNOWN... so according to the goverment records I am the only known parent.

I don't want to take him to court because then he will be proven as the other parent and perhaps granted joint custody...

I know this will give him opportunity to ruin my beautiful sons life and trust.. and i won't have it.

I have decided to just live on and pretend like my ds' father doesnt exsist, and when my ds is older and asks about his dad, i will tell him WHY he doesn't go see him..

do you think im taking the right step?! i just want to be sure
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M
If your son is crying "daddy" when he doesn't see his father then he is bonded and loves his dad no matter what kind of man your ex is.

I think that what is right is for your son to maintain whatever bond his father is willing to give him.

You can't undo the bond. You can't make dad be a good guy. All you can do is for your son give him as much time with dad as dad will take and love him and empathise when dad fails him.

I am sorry for your son. This is likely to cause him a lifetime of hurt but there isn't anything you can do really to make dad be a better man and there isn't anything you can do to make dad visit.

Your son will learn on his own to know what kind of a man his father is and he will decide how to manage this. Your son will survive as we all do the hurt we are face with.
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I
if your stopping him from seeing him just because of $ then No i dont think your doing the right thing. I mean I understand he should be paying you I DO understand but if thats your only reasson for not allowing him to see him then its wrong IMO.

You say your son cries because he wants to see daddy then you say his daddy dont have a job. but wants to see his son. so YOUR making the choice that if he cant give you $ then basically he cant be a dad. IMO that is wrong. It is Totally WRONG that he is not paying cs! WRONG ! but I dont think acting like he is not the dad is the answer.

NOw if you was to say that you can not see your son until you decide to set a time line and follow it I would understand that.

( If he says he is going to come over he needs to and not just not show up)

trust me i understand.. ive been raising 3 children that are not biologically mine for 6 yrs with no $ suporitt from their mother.

basically I dont think a parent should kick a parent out of a child's life because of $ alone.

PS my GK's we raise are not mine or husbands but a friends children. We have done this for 6 or so years. We also have two biological children. So I am not saying this because I am a parent or DH is a parent that does not pay cs.

I truly do understand its HARD to raise a child with no help. I Do. and I am sure other mothers and dads here with have a diffrent opnion.. I HOPE your sons dad starts to pay CS to you..
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J
I think you all are misunderstanding me.

I am kicking him out of my sons life because he has been nothing by damaging to my sons mental state.

I don't CARE about his money.. i haven't gotten any so it isn't something i am too concerned about.

His father seems to think he can just waltz in and out of his sons life when he pleases. Creating a bond, and then not even doing so much as calling to say hi for MONTHS at a time.
He has not even acknowledged any of his sons birthdays, christmas' or easters.. and only comes into his sons life when he thinks there is a chance that we can "rekindle" our past relationship and be one big happy family again.

When i make it clear this wont happen, but he can still see his son, he disappears.

My ds was crying "DADDDYYYYYYY DADDYYY" because he knew it was his visitation weekend, and when we went to his dads house his dad was gone and my ds couldn't understand why when i came back downstairs from the apt, his daddy wasn't with me this time.

His dad wasn't with me because HE DISAPPEARED AGAIN! Not because i said he couldn't see him.
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I
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
I think you all are misunderstanding me.

I am kicking him out of my sons life because he has been nothing by damaging to my sons mental state.

I don't CARE about his money.. i haven't gotten any so it isn't something i am too concerned about.

His father seems to think he can just waltz in and out of his sons life when he pleases. Creating a bond, and then not even doing so much as calling to say hi for MONTHS at a time.
He has not even acknowledged any of his sons birthdays, christmas' or easters.. and only comes into his sons life when he thinks there is a chance that we can "rekindle" our past relationship and be one big happy family again.

When i make it clear this wont happen, but he can still see his son, he disappears.

My ds was crying "DADDDYYYYYYY DADDYYY" because he knew it was his visitation weekend, and when we went to his dads house his dad was gone and my ds couldn't understand why when i came back downstairs from the apt, his daddy wasn't with me this time.

His dad wasn't with me because HE DISAPPEARED AGAIN! Not because i said he couldn't see him.

well in that case I would make him aware of what you plan to do in writting ( certified mail) so that when he dont show up and he does this again you have a gripe to say you CANT and WONT do this to my son again.
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J
When i talked to my sons father on the phone last .. after calling and calling.. I told him that what he did was irresponsible, that he should have called to let me know what was going on. That his sons heart was broken when i came down stairs from his apt and he wasn't with me...

I told him that he needs to grow up, and that if he wants to be in his childs life then he is going to have to straighten up and BE there... not just cruise in and out whenever is convienent.

I said that he could see him, and that I would like the money he promised me for gas, as i have been transporting our son back and forth for his visitations so that he didn't have to pay twice as much for a bus.
I said if he refuses to pay me the money he owes me for the gas then he can find his own transportation back and forth and for the first little while until he gets his own apartment and stops bouncing all over, he is only allowed DAY visits.

He then said "whatever!" not even being fazed by the fact that his son was obviously hurt..
I asked "is there anything else you want to say?!" and he said "no.." I then said "you know my number.." and then said goodbye.
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J
I have had this EXACT discussion with him 3 different times... everytime he decided to disappear for 4+ months and then reappear.. I told him EACH time that he can't be waltzing in and out as he pleases and as our son gets older (which he now is) he is going to start understanding who his dad is and be hurt when he neglects to see him.

He EACH time agreed... and EACH time dissappeared again.

I SPECIFICALLY told him before this last chance, when he popped up again.. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
He acknowledged this, yet proceeded to dissappear once again.
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J
Also i would like to state that this man is 27 years old... i am 19. It strikes me as odd that someone nearing his 30's can be so darn immature.
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K
I think you are taking the reaction, if he not give his son a stable relationship then he shouldn't be allow to give a half of one. My father was the same way he have four kids but only claim two and sometimes me, he dont even acknowledge my big brother. He never come around me until I was like 12 and my ma have left and was staying with family. Even then he only visit on some bdays and christmas, never a phone call to see if I doing good in school or if I need anything. He know my aunt wasn't wealth or well of, she was 60yrs old with preteens, (it was my little brother and I) and never offered a dime to her for taking care of his responsbility. What make it worst he stayed no more than 10 minutes away from house and work no less three minutes away.

I wish that he never enter my life, I need a father not a half of one.
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J
That is pretty much the way i see it.
I don't want my son having issues trusting people when he is older, or not being able to love people because his dad played these mind games with him.. waiting till he got attached and then disappearing.

To me this would make me feel like everytime i get attached to someone they are going to take off on me, and it would scare me away from trusting or loving anyone who wasn't always a part of my life.

I don't want his little mind all messed up, I wan't him to be happy. But I don't think 1/4th of a father is going to make him happy.

I have a s/o who has been there since my son was 6 mos old, we had our "Break" because of things we needed to work out, but he has ALWAYS been there. Id very much like to have my sons biodad a part of his life but if its going to cause mental issues in my ds then I would much rather him not be there.

After all he has a "step" daddy, who he calls daddy as well, so its not like he isn't going to have a male bond.
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flapjack
A stepfather is not the same as a father: ultimately, your son will grow up knowing that he has one parent who is always there for him, not two.
In your shoes, I'd have made the same judgement call: I'd make him fight for every second he spends with your ds (through court)
Your son is not going to know 50% of his biological family as he grows, which will cause lasting problems (as someone posting further down here will probably tell you) but ime, there is no way that an irresponsible father cannot cause lasting emotional problems. If you keep them away to limit the damage, allow them in, wait for the child to see them as they truly are, either way your child gets hurt and it will hurt you when this happens, no matter what. It's the worst part of parenting.
Happy new lives to you, mama.
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J
Well i have full intent on showing him pictures and stuff as he gets older of his father, and if his father finally settles down then I will reconcider my decision.. but right now he is showing no interest in wanting to be a father.
If he doesn't show up later on down the road, my son will more than certianly know who his dad is, even if he has never met him because i will answer any questions he has.
Then when he is old enough to ask to see his dad we will try and contact him and then he can decide whether or not he wants him as part of his life or not.
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M
This is pretty much my post fromthis thread, and there are other good thoughts there.

I have a similar situation with my boys dad. He shows up about once every 9 or 10 months for a weekend and other then that doesn't call or write or anything.

Quote:
I don't want my son having issues trusting people when he is older, or not being able to love people because his dad played these mind games with him.. waiting till he got attached and then disappearing.
I guess I feel that once they get older (they are 4 and 6) they are going to have some issues about thier father no matter what. If he stays popping in and out on his schedule or if he just leaves-- it is going to be something that they are upset about and will have to work out. All I can do is support them and let them know that it is okay to love thier papa, but also be very angry about his lack of attention (which would still be an issue if he just dissapeared).

I guess that even if we did go the route of terminating custody, for a parent who is not abusive (just selfish and distracted and lots of fun for one weekend a year) I would still make it possible for my children to see him. Because I don't fear that they are going to be any more scarred by seeing him rarely then never, and I would want to keep that contact a possibility.

I don't know if I am very clear, but it seems to me that you feel if you could just get biodad to leave then ds could just forget he ever existed and things would be fine. The issue would be closed. But I feel that whether dad pops in or out sometimes or never shows up, my boys are going to have some problems to work out about thier dad someday. There is going to be anger, confusion, and feelings of abandonment sometime.

Just my thoughts
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C
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
I think you all are misunderstanding me.

I am kicking him out of my sons life because he has been nothing by damaging to my sons mental state.

I don't CARE about his money.. i haven't gotten any so it isn't something i am too concerned about.

His father seems to think he can just waltz in and out of his sons life when he pleases. Creating a bond, and then not even doing so much as calling to say hi for MONTHS at a time.
He has not even acknowledged any of his sons birthdays, christmas' or easters.. and only comes into his sons life when he thinks there is a chance that we can "rekindle" our past relationship and be one big happy family again.

When i make it clear this wont happen, but he can still see his son, he disappears.

My ds was crying "DADDDYYYYYYY DADDYYY" because he knew it was his visitation weekend, and when we went to his dads house his dad was gone and my ds couldn't understand why when i came back downstairs from the apt, his daddy wasn't with me this time.

His dad wasn't with me because HE DISAPPEARED AGAIN! Not because i said he couldn't see him.
i took it as you didn't want him in his life to cause him this constant pain, i agree, this is to hard on your son and is not fair to him. It is obvious from what you said this is a pattern. Why should he have the right to break your son's heart every few months?
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J
I think he puts too much thought into getting stoned and etc and forgets that he has a child. This isn't his only child.. from what he knows he has one more but has put no effort into seeing that one either and hasn't seen it since a few months after it was born.. that child is now 8 or 9 and living in a different province with his mom and step dad.
My sons aunt ( his dads sister ) has also said his dad has other children that he doesn't really know too much about from not using protection.. and he has never even attempted to see them.. i found this part out AFTER we conceived.. but i did know about the one 8 or 9 year old prior.

I feel like i have given him a significant amount of chances to prove himself as a father and each time he screws off again and pops back up 4+ months later. This for me is unacceptable. I do not plan to just pretend he doesn't exist.. I have full intent on letting my child know everything I can about his father and why i made this choice...
I also have full intent on allowing him to see for himself what his father is like when he is old enough to fully understand, as long as he ASKS me to see his father.. i won't MAKE him.
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K
You shouldn't let him off the hook so easily. If he were responsible, held a good job, and did all of the right things then I am sure you would want CS from him and a regular visitation schedule. Why are deadbeat dads so frequently let off the hook and responsible guys taken to court over and over again? Why should he get a free ride because you would rather "pretend he doesn't exist"?

Take him to court. Make him pay CS. Fight for full custody. Setup a visitation schedule that he must abide by if he wants to see his son. Do this much now so at least you will have the legalities in place should something ever happen...
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flapjack
Quote:

Originally Posted by koofiesguychuck
If he were responsible, held a good job, and did all of the right things then I am sure you would want CS from him and a regular visitation schedule. Why are deadbeat dads so frequently let off the hook and responsible guys taken to court over and over again?
Well, the most responsible husbands ever can make lousy ex-husbands. The reason she wants him out of their lives, however, is because it breaks your heart watching your child get hurt by someone who makes them promise after promise and refuses to ever make that part of themselves, that they fathered, a priority.
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J
Quote:

Originally Posted by koofiesguychuck
You shouldn't let him off the hook so easily. If he were responsible, held a good job, and did all of the right things then I am sure you would want CS from him and a regular visitation schedule. Why are deadbeat dads so frequently let off the hook and responsible guys taken to court over and over again? Why should he get a free ride because you would rather "pretend he doesn't exist"?

Take him to court. Make him pay CS. Fight for full custody. Setup a visitation schedule that he must abide by if he wants to see his son. Do this much now so at least you will have the legalities in place should something ever happen...
Sounds like you have personal grudge :-/

If he came to ME with court papers stating that he wants visitation rights, I WOULD GO TO COURT.
However, he doesn't really seem to care about seeing his son unless there is a chance that him and i can rekindle our relationship, which is never going to happen.

I don't NEED his Child Support money.. I have been raising my ds for 2 1/2 years without it, just fine.

If i just let it go there are no possible things that could go wrong anymore then there are in a court agreement.

If he decides ( as an example ) to kidnapp my son and flee... He won't be able to get very far.. He doesn't have a birth certificate or registration for my ds, and his name is not on EITHER of those documents to prove that it is his son also.

The child is registered under MY NAME only... and as not having a biodad (non-applicable was written on those places on the forms)..
It would be kidnapping for him to take the child without mutual agreement, and he would be caught and sent to prison for it.

IF i take him to court then it will be proven to the government that he is the bio father, and then his name will be placed on the registration.
This can make for a great deal of issues if kidnapping takes place, as it will most likely be excused.
Also, if he decides to go for joint custody and gets granted his request, he will have 1/2 say in ANYTHING my son does.
What school he goes too, whether he can cross the border if we go on a trip, and etc.. i will always have to ask for his permission for everything... and if he doesn't care about spending time with his son, then WHY LET HIM MAKE THE CHOICES?!

As far as i see it, I am in no need for him to step up to plate. It would be nice, and it would be better on my ds, but I can't make him. I need to wait till he is truly ready to be a real father.
Taking him to court would be telling him to be a dad... my son doesn't need a fake bio dad... someone who is only there because the HAVE to be.
He needs his dad to be there because he WANTS to be.
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K
I agree with you both. I can understand not wanting him around due to the way he treats DS and continusouly breaks his heart... but it still disn't dismiss the fact that because he is such a lousy father he isn't being required to live up to any of his responsibilities - including his financial ones.

My major point is that guys like this are getting off too easily and I have seen instances like this occur again and again. Because of his poor attitude and general ignorance he will get away without any responsibility. We seem to be cultivating a society where (generally) men who act like complete jerks are rewarded. Often times, and I'm not referring to you, taxpayers will end up footing the bill because the bioparent will seek assistance from the state/government. Then we all pay the price. Then, as appears has happened in your case, the deadbeat will repeat the process and do the same thing to other women.

And yes, this does hit home because I am that responsible guy who is doing everything I can to assist with my ex and the children, while routinely being taken back to court for more money. All the while I see jerks like this getting away with not supporting their children... It sends the wrong message, not only to guys like me but to guys like him who think they can get away with it again and again.

I do see your point, and understand why you are not interested in dragging this out in court and potentially making it harder on DS. Hopefully, you will see my broader point (about these situations in general).
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F
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaydens_mom
I think you all are misunderstanding me.

I am kicking him out of my sons life because he has been nothing by damaging to my sons mental state.

I don't CARE about his money.. i haven't gotten any so it isn't something i am too concerned about.

His father seems to think he can just waltz in and out of his sons life when he pleases. Creating a bond, and then not even doing so much as calling to say hi for MONTHS at a time.
He has not even acknowledged any of his sons birthdays, christmas' or easters.. and only comes into his sons life when he thinks there is a chance that we can "rekindle" our past relationship and be one big happy family again.

When i make it clear this wont happen, but he can still see his son, he disappears.

My ds was crying "DADDDYYYYYYY DADDYYY" because he knew it was his visitation weekend, and when we went to his dads house his dad was gone and my ds couldn't understand why when i came back downstairs from the apt, his daddy wasn't with me this time.

His dad wasn't with me because HE DISAPPEARED AGAIN! Not because i said he couldn't see him.
I know this situation is terrible hard. We had an irresponsible biomom that moved hundreds of miles a way, showed up maybe once everyother month, etc. I had this reaction, too, that if she is just going to come and go as she pleases, she should just leave. But now I don't believe that is true. I think our job is to raise dss to take what he can from his mom. Just enjoy the time together, but know it might end. Get used to the coming and going and know that it doesn't reflect badly on him, it has nothing to do with him. I can't change her (but guess what, she has changed on her own, it's not like this anymore, I never would have guessed). I know that even the most physically abused child still wants to be with their parent and we have to find some way for them to have some semblance of a safe relationship.

Plus, my experience with the court system was that the mom keeps the kids from the (even horrible) dad doesn't look good, but the mom who tries to maintain a relationship, even under ridicules circustances, is looked on favorably. So , if for no other reason then having more custody for you in the future, maintain the relationshiop.

Ps. We were responsible for 50% of driving even when she moved away.
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