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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>This is how DH "makes up with me".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The other day he lost his temper and yelled at the kids very loudly.</p>
<p>When he came into our bedroom where I was nursing the baby,he was visibly angry. He had a frown and his arms crossed. I let about 15 minutes go by and  I told him that I wish he hadnt acted like that.</p>
<p>I didnt undermine him in front of the kids, I waited until we were alone.</p>
<p>He was very defensive and angry at me (not enough discipline......my fault the kids dont listen...........that kind of stuff)</p>
<p>The conversation went no where and he stormed out and slept on the couch.</p>
<p>Yesterday he went to work with no apology and then he had an office Christmas party at night. I sent him some e mails during the day saying things like; we are a team, if we think the other is making a mistake we have to communicate that. I can understand that you were disappointed in the kids, but your reaction was a really bad example.... I know I'm not perfect and get short with them too.......... Now I am upset about the way you yelled at me about it-blah blah blah. He e mailed back that we can talk about it at night.</p>
<p>He came home late and I was still up. Nothing. I told him a few things about the day and we went to sleep.</p>
<p>This morning he came over to my side of the bed (has to walk around because we co sleep with baby in the middle), and hugged me and said he just wants to have a happy peaceful life.</p>
<p>Physical contact is hard for him because he is a macho guy (due to his upbringing), so I know this is how he means he is sorry. I dont know if I should be expecting more. We have been together since we were in our very early 20's. I feel like we have come a long way and things are never getting worse, only better. I have to learn how to move on from things faster and he has to learn not to let everything make him so angry.</p>
 

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<p>That would work for me. We all go through our ups and downs and bad periods, but it is nice to not be expected to "perform" some kind of formal apology ritual. You know what it meant to him and he knows that too. I think you are absolutely right to just accept it unconditionally and keep moving forward.</p>
 

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<p>He goes out of his way to do something that is very uncomfortable for him that he knows will speak to you.</p>
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<p>I don't see why a formal set of specific words should be demanded.  We all mess up, and we all have to humble ourselves and make up at one point or another.  By your description, that's what he did, even if it wasn't with the exact same words you might use. </p>
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<p>That is what my husband does, too. It does not work for me, but I think that may be MY problem.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I come from a family that has a long history of lashing out in mean and inappropriate ways, followed a little later by an affectionate, Let's move on! and then hugs all around. I hate it, because the harm is never addressed or repaired.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In reaction to that, a hug to make up feels like rug sweeping to me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>What heals me is: I hurt you when I (insert what happened), and I'm sorry for that. I love you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It barely takes more time than a hug, but it makes all the difference to me.</p>
 
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<p>This is a very common scenario for us. And yes, I generally do accept that sort of thing from DH as an expression of his desire to end a period of bad feelings and to reassert the primacy of our loving relationship. DH requires physical reconnection on some level to truly end a period of conflict. AFTER that physical reconnection, he can often apologize for hurt feelings or bad wording or whatever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Early in our relationships, this was very difficult for me. My desire is generally to reach agreement or consensus verbally and to have the 'strongest' argument win. It bugs DH to no end and it resulted in much unpleasantness for a long time. I never felt things were 'resolved' if, a day after an argument, we hugged or DTD. I wanted us to go at it until the bloody end, I guess, until by sheer force of will or attrition or whatever, some actual decision was reached. But I did learn over time, I think I conceded some things on my side, and I do try to give DH what he needs. I think, for DH, it's more about having his point of view heard, having his emotions validated, and less about whatever we're actually arguing about. For me, exact opposite!</p>
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<p>One issue for me is that the balance seems to have shifted somewhat in our relationship. For a long time, DH would initiate that reconnection attempt about 1/2 the time and then want me to do it sometimes as well. In the last two years or so, however, he has been expressing that he really needs ME to initiate the physical reconnection and/or offer words of reconciliation pretty much every time. I imagine this has a lot to do with how the balance of things has changed since DD was born, and DH needing to see more ways in which I value him, put him first, etc. But it's super tough for me--especially the gender issues that roll into that!</p>
 

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<p>Sounds similar to arguments that happen here, with the blaming and all.  DH is not generally a willing communicator - if/when my dh ever comes around to "the hug" there aren't any words to go with it.  That's where I think you're doing quite all right with your husband's approach!  Like a pp I also feel like if the issue itself is not directly discussed, then it's hard for me to move on.  But even going out of his way to give a few kind words, that's something.  If I actually ever get an apology... wow, I'd be floored! </p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>daisymama12</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1286019/do-you-think-just-a-quiet-hug-is-enough-for-an-apology#post_16122812"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>That is what my husband does, too. It does not work for me, but I think that may be MY problem.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I come from a family that has a long history of lashing out in mean and inappropriate ways, followed a little later by an affectionate, Let's move on! and then hugs all around. I hate it, because the harm is never addressed or repaired.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In reaction to that, a hug to make up feels like rug sweeping to me. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>What heals me is: I hurt you when I (insert what happened), and I'm sorry for that. I love you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It barely takes more time than a hug, but it makes all the difference to me.</p>
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<br><br><p> This is my problem too. I wish we could just talk about. I never feel like the problem is resolved. It's just put away and the same exact thing keeps happening.</p>
<p>I like to figure out where we went wrong and communicate so we can learn to work on it.</p>
 

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<p>That would work for me as an apology but not as the final word on the issue. My response would be - "I love you, and I really want to figure out a constructive way to deal with this issue next time it comes up because it hurts me when we're mad at each other, so can we brainstorm together?"</p>
 

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That sounds like a perfect apology, but I would want to follow it up (not necessarily immediately) with conversation about how to accomplish his desire for a peaceful life. We all have moments of frustration, but if something is nagging at him that he thinks should change, the two of you need to talk about it so it isn't building up in him again.
 
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