Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 48 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel so much guilt for putting DS in daycare. He is extremely high needs, which makes it that much harder. I love every minute of holding him, wearing him, cosleeping, and breastfeeding, but then I feel like a failure for leaving him with strangers while I go off to work. DS is only 6 months and cries a LOT of the time when I'm not there. He is super attached to me and needs to be held constantly, which they can't do at daycare. Are there any studies to show that kids who grow up in daycares are just as secure and well adjusted? I guess I am just looking for reassurance.<br><br>
TIA <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,933 Posts
So, you can't work and be an AP parent? I'm confused here. I was under the assumption that working mothers could still be AP.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,408 Posts
Yes, there are studies that show that kids in daycare thrive and are fine, and that it can even be a positive thing.<br><br>
I work, and am also AP. I don't see how they can't go hand in hand.<br><br>
What is important is to have a good daycare provider. Someone that will hold him and care about him and tend to his needs. And then he will bond with that person, too, and develop another loving relationship!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
I know it's hard, especially in the beginning, but I promise you it will get easier. Hang in there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,980 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>diamond lil</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541355"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So, you can't work and be an AP parent? I'm confused here. I was under the assumption that working mothers could still be AP.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't think that's the official Mothering magazine stance, actually, but don't get me started there, I'm in a bad mood today already (cosleeping with a 3 yo in the summer when you're getting hugely pregnant is not that great and I'm a little sleep deprived right now).<br><br>
ETA--OP--your child can be very healthily attached and be in daycare. However I think it's important he also be able to form a secure attachment with his daycare provider. If your current situation can't hold him more, and you feel this attachment is not happening, would you be willing or able to find care that does? Maybe a small family daycare (DS formed very strong, secure attachments with his family DCPs--a woman and her sister--and we still visit them though he's in "preschool" now) or some in home care?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>diamond lil</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541355"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So, you can't work and be an AP parent? I'm confused here. I was under the assumption that working mothers could still be AP.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't think AP'ing is an all or nothing deal, but inherent message of AP'ing is "be there for your kid at all cost." I have the Dr. Sears book, and it seems to encourage moms to stay home, even collecting welfare if it comes down to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>karina5</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541385"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes, there are studies that show that kids in daycare thrive and are fine, and that it can even be a positive thing.<br><br>
I work, and am also AP. I don't see how they can't go hand in hand.<br><br>
What is important is to have a good daycare provider. Someone that will hold him and care about him and tend to his needs. And then he will bond with that person, too, and develop another loving relationship!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
I know it's hard, especially in the beginning, but <b>I promise you it will get easier</b>. Hang in there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Thanks. I needed to hear that. I just want DS to get to an age where he starts to love daycare and looks forward to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Qestia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541448"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think that's the official Mothering magazine stance, actually, but don't get me started there, I'm in a bad mood today already (cosleeping with a 3 yo in the summer when you're getting hugely pregnant is not that great and I'm a little sleep deprived right now).<br><br>
ETA--OP--your child can be very healthily attached and be in daycare. However I think it's important he also be able to form a secure attachment with his daycare provider. If your current situation can't hold him more, and you feel this attachment is not happening, would you be willing or able to find care that does? Maybe a small family daycare (DS formed very strong, secure attachments with his family DCPs--a woman and her sister--and we still visit them though he's in "preschool" now) or some in home care?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
What is the official Mothering stance? That women should be SAHM's?<br><br>
I have already found a new daycare, one that has fewer children and seems more personal, but I still worry about DS because he is so high needs. He typically needs me sleeping next to him to stay asleep past 15-20 minutes.<br><br>
I would like a home care but have not found a good one in my area.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,945 Posts
I have to agree that it appears as though the Mothering, MDC, and Dr. Sears stance is that that to be truly AP, you need at least one SAHP. I personally believe you can be AP even if you don't do everything in the AP handbook, but I know that's not a popular sentiment around here sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
247 Posts
yes, the official mothering stance is that you should stay at home with your child. i think we've had this thread before.<br><br>
sure, it makes people feel guilty.<br><br>
think eleanor roosevelt here "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"<br><br>
do what's best for you and your family and your finances and your security and stability. it's not their choice, and it's really none of their business. and yes, you can be a fantastic mom regardless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,635 Posts
Yeah well Welfare would not come close to providing my son with a safe, healthy home environment so I work full time and attend school full time. My son has been in an excellent childcare setting since he was 8 weeks of age. Myabe 10, I do not remember. The center actually had a 6 to 1 ratio, but the workers, were loving and more than kind to him. He bonded with all three teachers and the director who held him in her lap or propped him into a sitting position in a shallow box so that we was content throughout the day. There were other infants in the room, even fussy high needs children and they never cried it out. I am not saying that the babies never had to cry. Sometimes bottles needed to be prpared or diapers changed and some children had to cry.<br><br>
I guess that what I am saying is that there are many great day care providers out there who are ready and willing to bond with the children in their care.<br><br>
My son co-sleeps, and I still wear him to this day and he is almost 26 months. We are AP striving parents and I do not think that my chil is any less attached or secure than they children of my friends who remain home. Actually my son is more independent, empathetic and social that many of the children of my SAHM friends.<br><br>
If you are a great mother to your child and you provide him with the best childcare that you can, who really care just how AP you are or not. I think that AP is wonderful, but it should never make a parent feel as if they are inferior, well unless they truly are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>therdogg</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541877"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">yes, the official mothering stance is that you should stay at home with your child. i think we've had this thread before.<br><br>
sure, it makes people feel guilty.<br><br>
think eleanor roosevelt here "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"<br><br>
do what's best for you and your family and your finances and your security and stability. it's not their choice, and it's really none of their business. and yes, you can be a fantastic mom regardless.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I'm not really concerned with how others view me as a mother. I just feel guilty because I worry that my son will somehow be permanently scarred that I left him with strangers to watch him, ones who sometimes left him to cry because they couldn't get to him. I think if he wasn't so high needs I wouldn't worry about this so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
209 Posts
Studies show that kids exposed to daycare do just as well as kids never exposed to daycare. Fwiw. I for one don't feel this guilt and have raised my daughter with many ap principals from birth. I did, however, cancel my mothering subscription bcs of what I felt was repeated bashing of working moms in many articles.<br><br>
Are you leaving your child with someone different every day? I doubt it. Your child probably knows the caretaker(s) very well and probably attached to them somewhat. If you have sahms or sahd's look around and I bet you see they also sometimes let other people care for their kids,such as aunts, uncles, grandparents, best friends, people they trust to treat their kid accordingly.<br><br>
If your son cries constantly while there, I'd search for another daycare. Is her really crying that much? Or is it for just a minute while you leave and then he's fine? Find out and if it is all day, definitely shop around. I'm sure you can find a better match.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
973 Posts
I could write a lot but I'm busy at work. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
So for now, to give you a kid's perspective, I was in daycare from a very young age, I'm from generations of WOHMs, and I'm closer to my parents than most people I know. I'm happy with my own family now, too. I feel like I received a huge blessing being born into the family I was, and I wouldn't change it for the world. My mom is awesome, and she worked. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
Edit: By the way, I don't buy Mothering magazine because I feel it is strongly anti-WOHM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
392 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tangent</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11542040"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Studies show that kids exposed to daycare do just as well as kids never exposed to daycare. Fwiw. I for one don't feel this guilt and have raised my daughter with many ap principals from birth. I did, however, cancel my mothering subscription bcs of what I felt was <b>repeated bashing of working moms in many articles</b>.<br><br>
Are you leaving your child with someone different every day? I doubt it. Your child probably knows the caretaker(s) very well and probably attached to them somewhat. If you have sahms or sahd's look around and I bet you see they also sometimes let other people care for their kids,such as aunts, uncles, grandparents, best friends, people they trust to treat their kid accordingly.<br><br>
If your son cries constantly while there, I'd search for another daycare. Is her really crying that much? Or is it for just a minute while you leave and then he's fine? Find out and if it is all day, definitely shop around. I'm sure you can find a better match.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Really? That's disappointing. You would think such a "progressive" publication wouldn't be so judgmental about working moms.<br><br>
We have found a new daycare that he'll start at in a couple of weeks. The ratio of children to caregivers is much lower. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Wish me luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,665 Posts
I am currently a SAHM but used to be a WOHM and could have written the OP verbatim. I just wanted to suggest that you let go of the guilt. It doesn't do you any good and it doesn't do your child any good. There will always be something to feel guilty about as a mother and our society is very, very good at making sure all of us feel inadequate. Then, when we feel inadequate, we end up bashing others mothers to make us feel better. SAHM v. WOHM, homeschool v. school, waldorf v. montessori, crib v. co-sleep, breast v. bottle, etc. etc. I think its a way for society to keep us, as mothers, in line and make sure we don't organize and stop the madness. Really, just let go of the guilt - for working, for sleeping late when you are tired, for feeding them white pasta, for using a stroller, for whatever it is that you have guilt about. It isn't good for you as a person or a mother. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,972 Posts
I worked in childcare centers for several years and was eventually a center director. Most of my fellow providers and teachers had the stance that while in our care we needed to provide them a safe environment and to help them grow healthy attachments and bonding with peers and caregivers. We were a second home. When they were in my care they were "my kids". I could have 10 kids and I'd still take the time to make sure they each had their needs met, including bonding and giving hugs and sitting to snuggle. The kids loved that, and the parents appreciated it as well. Obviously I brought my own kids and they were mostly not in my own classroom. They made awesome bonds with their teachers/care providers.<br><br>
Being a working mom made me no less AP. I made sure they were cared for and had their need met, whether it was by me or another caregiver, they were always met. That is what the core of AP is to me. I look at care providers as an extension of me in a way.<br><br>
We have a PCA for my son. This is another way to meet his needs. Some could argue that because I have an outside source caring for my son part of the time that I'm not AP. IMO, having that outside source come help makes me more AP because it is meeting his specific needs. I view child care (with a great provider that "gets" your children) the same way.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,811 Posts
I've never seen an official stance from Mothering, probably because there isn't one. SAHM and WHAM is encouraged, but it isn't ideal for everyone. There has never been anything mentioned negative about WHOMs. If the magazine was negative about it, there wouldn't be a whole sub-forum on their discussion board for WHOMs IMO. THere was a great thread in the Questions and Suggestions area on this a while back. TO be blunt, I feel some just read too much into what is there and/or what is not there, IMO.<br><br>
I'm a WHOM who subscribes and sees the great use of the articles for raising my children regardless of if I stay home or not...same thing with the discussion boards.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,340 Posts
It does get easier! I think the transition can often be harder the older the child is, especially around 6-9 months and you're experiencing a lot of separation anxiety and things like that. Some kids *do* have a harder time than others. And finding the right childcare provider is important.<br><br>
I know when I left #2 with a SAHM she absolutely hated it. She didn't like her at all. Once I moved her to be with my SIL, it was great and everyone was happy. Now with #3, she immediately took to her daycare providers, which is consistently 2 women but they also move other teachers/caregivers through her "class" throughout the day so she now really likes everyone at our preschool/daycare. It's such an awesome place, my 3 kids are there and everyone knows everyone and it IS like a second family and they love going.<br><br>
It gets better. Hang in there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
928 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Qestia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11541448"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">ETA--OP--your child can be very healthily attached and be in daycare. However I think it's important he also be able to form a secure attachment with his daycare provider. If your current situation can't hold him more, and you feel this attachment is not happening, would you be willing or able to find care that does?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree with this. Ds was mightily attached to the women in the baby room of his daycare. The four women would pass the babies around to keep them happy. Sure, he got his share of "swing time with the Wiggles" but he's no worse for it. They transitioned him very gently into the toddler room and he is happy as a clam to go to "school."<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>hparsh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11542083"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We have found a new daycare that he'll start at in a couple of weeks. The ratio of children to caregivers is much lower. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Wish me luck!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I hope your new daycare works well. I think the lower ratio in ds' daycare is really what made his attachment possible. Ds' ratio in his baby room was approx 3:1. (10 babies and 4 caregivers total, guaranteed 3 at any time.)<br><br>
So Good Luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,595 Posts
I think its so much worse in the beginning. Especially if you're not completely thrilled with the childcare. My oldest bounced around a bit the first few years until we found our current provider. My youngest went through a few as well until he was old enough to start at our current daycare. I think my kids are very attached to me and also attached to their daycare provider and the other kids there. Which isn't a bad thing at all.<br><br>
I do still feel guilty at times but its gotten less. I have to work and I've found the best possible person to care for my kids, so what more can I do?<br><br>
Oh and I was a daycare kid. I was the first kid dropped off and the last kid picked up. And I'm fine and am extremely close to my mom
 
1 - 20 of 48 Posts
Top