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Discussion Starter #1
a parent/child relationship comes before your relationship with your partner?<br><br>
I was asking because a friend and I were talking and she says that the kids are her life, and that her relationship with dh will always come second until they are out of the house. I told her that I didn't agree and that my relationship with my dh is just as important as my relationship with ds. The vibe that I got from her made me feel like I was wrong to feel this way and don't love my ds son enough. This is a pretty new friendship ( we have known each other for a few months and have started to hang out regularly about a month ago) so this is the first time we have touched on the subject. I just wanted to know if this is a general concept or am I not that weird after all, lol.
 

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I agree with you 100%<br><br><br><br><br>
I believe the family comes first, period. All members equal.<br><br><br>
There are others that put their children first, but in my opinion that 'can' wind up hurting the adult relationship. And if you put your spouse first it can wind up hurting the relationship with your children.<br><br>
I want my family to know that they are all equally important to me and I don't play favorites.
 

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My relationship with my DS comes before my DP. My DP wouldn't want it any other way. This is such a special time and as DS gets older (he is 3 now) he needs me less and less. I'm very grateful that I took the time to enjoy all the snuggles and cuddles I could get when he was a baby. Now when DP gets home from work the first thing out of DS mouth is "Daddy! come play with me." and that's exactly when DP does. In the blink of an eye our son will be in High School and won't have time for us.
 

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DD's needs come before DH's. I feel that my DD always comes first... but I'm iffy on the terminology of "relationship".<br><br>
If my DD needs to nurse and my DH needs my attention (a valid need) DD comes first without question every time. Her needs come before mine too. Fortunately DH agrees with me. He puts her before me and himself.<br><br>
My <i>relationship</i> with DH is very important to me. I'm not sure that it comes second to my <i>relationship</i> with DD. She's just a baby.
 

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are we talking about physical needs?<br><br><br>
Needs of course goes to the one who is most vulnerable, but I didn't think 'needs' was 'relationship'<br><br><br>
Relationships are equal, but obviously the kids needs are met before the adults. That goes for both me and my SO.
 

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My relationship with my DH comes first. I love my children very much, but they will grow and leave and have their own lives, my DH is the one I chose to spend the rest of my life with.<br><br>
NOW, that is totally different from needs. We take care of needs via triage, in order of most pressing need. The baby needs to eat before the husband needs intimate time. Does that mean I would put off intimacy with my husband till my child turns 3? no way. Better example... we have shared a family bed for the past 18 months. If it was working for my DD and myself but not for my DH, we would make other arrangements. It needed to work for my DH and I first, in order for it to be a happy arrangement for everyone. Now we are reaching a point where we need a little more privacy and would like our bed back, and so we are transitioning our DD slowly into her own sleeping space.<br><br>
IMO, its important to have a strong parental foundation, to have a stable environment for kids to grow up in, and I think that they learn a valuable lesson by seeing parents as a strong and loving 'unit' instead of feeling more important than their father, to the household. When I was a kid, my parents put us before eachother, and it left a lasting impression, one that I don't care to pass on to my kids.
 

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My relationship with my husband is absolutely core, central and permanent. My relationship with my kids starts out as an utterly intense bond that slowly gets looser and eventually I will have to let go to an enormous extent.<br><br>
Even though my kids will always be my kids and I will always love them, they cannot be "my life" because that is, in my mind, unhealthy and doomed to disappointment. I have wonderful relationships with my kids, and I will always be there for them to whatever extent they need, but my relationship with my husband, the mate I have bonded to unreservedly, that comes first... not supercedeing real needs of the kids, but then my husband also has relationships with the kids and we both do all we can for them. But our bond is relatively unchanging, we expect to have a relationship with each other until we die, so we naturally take excellent care of that bond. With the kids it is a long, slow letting go.
 

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In theory I believe that my relationship with DH should come first. I forget that alot. But agree with the distinction between "relationship" and "needs". My kids needs come first.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gargirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7899614"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My relationship with my husband is absolutely core, central and permanent. My relationship with my kids starts out as an utterly intense bond that slowly gets looser and eventually I will have to let go to an enormous extent.</div>
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I think that sums it up for me. I think that if you do not nurture the marital relationship, then the family falls apart. I see a lot of threads where it seems that the husband's needs or even his opinion are not respected at all. I think that is sad. On the same note, I see a lot of threads where the husband seems to think his responsibility to the family ends with the 40 hr week and paycheck and the wife's job is 24/7. That is also sad.<br><br>
I know of couples whose main focus was the children. The whole life~the children. Once the children grew up and went out on their own, there was nothing left.<br><br>
We just all need to respect one another.
 

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Do you remember the hubaballoo that blew up in whatshername's, Ayelet something-- she's married to Michael Chabon-- face, when she said she loved her husband more than her kids?<br><br>
Now, I think if you were to say "love" it's equal BUT totally different.<br><br>
I agree I'll take care of my kids more, but my relationship with my DH is ultimately more "important" b/c part of my giving to my kids will be to let them go a bit down the line. Whereas DH and I are life partners!
 

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i think this is a really sticky and confusing thing. . . in my mind a child's needs must come before a partner's because (in most cases anyway) a partner can fend for him/herself and a child cannot.<br>
that said, my love for DP is very different than my love for DS as are our relationships very different (as they should be).
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks for the responses. Some of y'all have really hit the nail on the head about how I feel and couldn't really get across. I do totally agree that there are needs of the children that absolutely do come first. A baby's need to eat is immediate. But what I was trying to say and couldn't really get across wasn't about needs or the sexual relationship although that could be a part of it. What I mean is, I would not give all of myself and energy taking care of ds during the day so that when dh comes home, I have nothing to give him. I consider both relationships equal and try to invest energy into both of them. My friend however said that she gave her energy to the kids and if she had some leftover for her dh ok, but if not, that was ok too. Does that make sense or have I totally confused things more, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I think they are incomparable and not mutually-exclusive. DH is my love, my support system the person I chose to be with. My children need me on a whole other level which I think cannot be compared with my relationship with DH....totally different. Apples and oranges.<br><br>
That said, let me address needs.<br><br>
The levels at which my children need and demand me fluctuate. As such, my ability to respond to many of DH's needs and demands fluctuate. For example, DH needs some physical affection and DD needs to nurse...DD gets her needs met first in that case and DH has to wait. But this does NOT mean that one comes first in my life or relationship with them, it simply means that at certian stages, needs must be met. Period. This is constantly changing for me as the kids grow up. Some days my kids demand so much of me that I'm half empty and if ONE more person wants to see or touch my boob I may freak out so DH gets what he gets...other days things are smooth and I'm able to invest more into DH...but to me this doesn't mean he comes second...it means he's an adult and can understand the word wait. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Did that make sense?
 

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I think because DH is my life partner it makes it easier to put some of Kailey's needs first. We know we will have time for each other so the temporary time that we have with Kailey is worth what we will still have in a relationship once she is on her own.<br><br>
We can still take care of Kailey and foster our relationship with each other. We are still doing the family bed and Mark is really uncomfortable (physically). We have a queen bed with no room for alternatives, so he often sleeps in Kailey's bed. But, I often sneak in to bed with him for a little "hey hon how ya doin?" time and then go back to our room. Sometimes we get away with a whole night alone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
We'll start transitioning her this summer though- I'm actually getting phsically uncomfortable as well. She has to sleep slammed up against me and in the morning my back hates me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Jenlaana</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7899575"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My relationship with my DH comes first. I love my children very much, but they will grow and leave and have their own lives, my DH is the one I chose to spend the rest of my life with.<br><br>
NOW, that is totally different from needs. We take care of needs via triage, in order of most pressing need. The baby needs to eat before the husband needs intimate time. Does that mean I would put off intimacy with my husband till my child turns 3? no way. Better example... we have shared a family bed for the past 18 months. If it was working for my DD and myself but not for my DH, we would make other arrangements. It needed to work for my DH and I first, in order for it to be a happy arrangement for everyone. Now we are reaching a point where we need a little more privacy and would like our bed back, and so we are transitioning our DD slowly into her own sleeping space.<br><br>
IMO, its important to have a strong parental foundation, to have a stable environment for kids to grow up in, and I think that they learn a valuable lesson by seeing parents as a strong and loving 'unit' instead of feeling more important than their father, to the household. When I was a kid, my parents put us before eachother, and it left a lasting impression, one that I don't care to pass on to my kids.</div>
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ITA
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Morgaine</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7904106"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the responses. Some of y'all have really hit the nail on the head about how I feel and couldn't really get across. I do totally agree that there are needs of the children that absolutely do come first. A baby's need to eat is immediate. But what I was trying to say and couldn't really get across wasn't about needs or the sexual relationship although that could be a part of it. What I mean is, I would not give all of myself and energy taking care of ds during the day so that when dh comes home, I have nothing to give him. I consider both relationships equal and try to invest energy into both of them. <b>My friend however said that she gave her energy to the kids and if she had some leftover for her dh ok, but if not, that was ok too. Does that make sense or have I totally confused things more,</b> <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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Bolding mine. That is just as unacceptable as the DHs I read about who spend hours on games or watching TV and never paying attention to their spouse or children.<br><br>
Your friend might get away with this for a short time, but eventually, any self-respecting man or woman will tire of ALWAYS being last on the list.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7904464"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Bolding mine. That is just as unacceptable as the DHs I read about who spend hours on games or watching TV and never paying attention to their spouse or children.<br><br>
Your friend might get away with this for a short time, but eventually, any self-respecting man or woman will tire of ALWAYS being last on the list.</div>
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/agree 100%
 

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My relationship with my husband comes first, however.....as parents we are responsible for our children and the childrens needs come before our own, ALWAYS. And putting my children's needs first includes making sure their parents have a good intact marriage.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Morgaine</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7904106"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the responses. Some of y'all have really hit the nail on the head about how I feel and couldn't really get across. I do totally agree that there are needs of the children that absolutely do come first. A baby's need to eat is immediate. But what I was trying to say and couldn't really get across wasn't about needs or the sexual relationship although that could be a part of it. What I mean is, I would not give all of myself and energy taking care of ds during the day so that when dh comes home, I have nothing to give him. I consider both relationships equal and try to invest energy into both of them. My friend however said that she gave her energy to the kids and if she had some leftover for her dh ok, but if not, that was ok too. Does that make sense or have I totally confused things more, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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Well I'm one who said I put my son first always. But reading what your friends says seems off to me as well. The things that fulfill my son are so different than the things that fulfill my DP. It is possible to give 100% of myself to my son, yet have something left over for DP, because the relationships are so different. make sense? And he does the same for me. My son is 3 and can completely monopolize DP when he is home from work. But DP loves this, and I get a break. As soon as I hear DP walk through the door I know I can sit my tired pregnant butt down. We are parenting our son together but in doing that we are giving to each other. Same goes for Sunday mornings when I do my best to keep DS occupied and out of the bedroom so DP can sleep in. It's parenting, but parenting in a way that gives to my partner.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Yoshua</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7899334"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I agree with you 100%<br><br><br><br><br>
I believe the family comes first, period. All members equal.<br><br><br>
There are others that put their children first, but in my opinion that 'can' wind up hurting the adult relationship. And if you put your spouse first it can wind up hurting the relationship with your children.<br><br>
I want my family to know that they are all equally important to me and I don't play favorites.</div>
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ITA<br>
Having a strong, loving partnership with your spouse takes effort and should not be put on the back burner. Having a strong, loving partnership with your spouse benefits your children.
 
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