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Do you think this is fair?

529 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Yo Becca
It is very very possible that my DH will not be with me when our dc is born.

I am hoping for a homebirth, UC to be exact.

I don't know who will be with me yet, I've told a couple people that depending on how I am feeling I might call them to come be with me, but then again I might prefer to be alone. (After the fiasco with several people inviting themselves to my birth I explained my desires and everyone is now OK with what I want).

So my mom tells me not to call her when I go into labor. She says she will call an ambulance.
: Whatever. She didn't say that maliciously, I think she just really doesn't want to be here when the baby is born. I think she is afraid. But she told me she wants to see the baby as soon as it is born.

Well...I told her that we aren't "allowing" anyone who is not at the birth to see the baby until Wayne (DH) gets home to see him/her and bond with him/her first.

Honestly, I don't see this as anything different than our own little babymoon, but I wonder if that's sort of rude to do.

FWIW, my parents live less than a mile from me and I see them often. They haven't been particularly helpful to me but if I needed them/asked them they would come through for me.

So I was thinking that maybe I would let JUST MY PARENTS come see the baby but make a few guidelines for them to follow first. Things such as ask them to use very quiet gentle voices (they normally are VERY LOUD people) and not talk directly to the baby. I thought about also asking my mom if she could do my laundry for the first few days and if they could provide me with meals until my DH could get home to help out.

So would that be fair? To limit first guests to just my parents and also ask that they help me out til my DH gets home?
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I think it's reasonable to limit guests to whoever you want to. If that means your parents so be it. Same if it means no one.

But, to be honest, I don't think it's reasonable that you ask them (or anyone) to not speak to the baby. They're going to want to hold the baby and marvel at it's teeny toes, and invariably that means telling the baby how beautiful it is and that they love him/her.
I agree with the PP, but I also would feel uncomfortable asking anyone to do household chores unless they specifically ask how they can help. If your parents speak loudly to the baby and upset him/her, then I would definitely ask them to lower their voices as I take the baby from them to soothe.
I think it is fine to limit guests to your parents, and I also think it is fine to say *no* visitors until your DH gets home - I can totally understand wanting your DH to be the first person to bond with the baby, and if that is what he wants also, i think it might be the right thing for your family. I can't imagine your parents being mad about wanting DH to get to bond with the baby first (and I am someone whose family would be very hurt if I said no visitors - but they would understand if it was about DH being the first to meet the baby).

I would also expect for family that close to help with household stuff (b/c in my experience with my family, I provide a LOT of help around the house, running errands, childcare, etc. to family and I think it's fair to expect reciprocation when I am the one in need) - but can you delay that help for the few days until DH comes home? How long will he be gone at the time? If it's 2-3 days, you could let the dishes, etc. pile up.

Regarding the ambulance threat, she can call them, but you don't have to go with them. They cannot take you against your will. You can answer the door and say you are in very early labor, that you have a health care provider and someone to drive you to the hospital when you are ready, and thanks for coming. Or you can tell them you are having the baby at home- it's not illegal (although it may be illegal for a midwife to attend you, they can't arrest you for having a baby). But if it's a serious threat...don't call her. Dealing with all that would seriously harm your energy and probably stall your progress.
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