Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p><span>Quote:</span></p>
<div class="quote-container">
<div class="quote-block">
<div>
<p>Rob,<br><br>
I am doing my budget for the coming months.<br><br>
My income will be decreasing greatly as of June 1st due to Denise turning 18 in the same amount of Rebecca's entire month of daycare bill basically.<br><br>
I am hoping we can come to an agreement how much you can contribute monthly to Rebecca's daycare expenses as well as paying the car insurance so I can plug my numbers in.<br><br>
Thanks for your time,<br>
Andrea<br><br>
 </p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>*(car insurance is in his name, it comes out of my account and he pays me monthly. This has a long story but it protects the vehicle that I purchased to keep it in my name)*</span></div>
<div class="quote-container"> </div>
<div class="quote-container"> </div>
<div class="quote-container">
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span><span>Quote:</span></span>
<div class="quote-block">
<div>
<div class="quote-container"><span>I'm in process of looking for work now. You know that I can't give you numbers now. The puzzle pieces of my life have been tossed in the air once again and I have to wait to see how they land. Sorry this isn't the response you were looking for.<br><br>
Regards,<br>
Rob.</span><br><br>
 </div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<p><span> </span></p>
<p><span>Anyone else want to giggle with me and my self restraint in not emailing and engaging but THINKING I wonder if he meditates on puzzle pieces while he sits at his meditation group on Thursday nights?</span></p>
</div>
<p> </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,592 Posts
<p><span><img alt="lol.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328659962384_161" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif"></span> Tell him that puzzle pieces tend to come down very fast.... as any mama of a toddler or older knows!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
461 Posts
<p>Yes, I will certainly giggle with you! and think maybe you should write an email that says"Dear ex, I am sorry you have lost your marbles. Please look under the now-descending puzzle pieces and maybe you will find a piece of paprer and a crayon too so you can write out a budget."</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>Oh my... what a guy. </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>that is hilarious - and very good self-restraint to take the time to think before responding, rather than giving a knee-jerk reaction.  and good to giggle about it too!  :)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i agree with anna.  he is childish and isn't going to reach any responsible adult conclusion on his own.  i think you're going to have to tell him what he's responsible for or, since that is very hard for some of us, allow the judge to make that determination.  another option that's in between those two would be if your state has guidelines or a calculator that is normally used in child support cases - you could apply that to your situation and show him what he would likely be ordered to pay and ask if he will pay that without having to go to court (un-freakin-likely but still, it's an option).  in the interest of full disclosure, i don't collect child support, but i was only going to be awarded $81 a month so it was worth getting the other things i wanted and getting divorced quickly, without paying an attorney, etc. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>did you post in the budget thread?  i will go over there next!  i also started reading your thread about getting over him, yesterday, but didn't get to finish reading.  i will check in with you there too.  i like your posts, but i feel like my comments come across harshly sometimes, probably because we struggle in similar ways and i'm harsh with myself about it.  anyway, i'm glad you're posting more again!</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<p>I did the math and checked with another legal secretary friend as well... $33/ mo is what I would get in child support if I went to court. Sigh.<br><br>
 </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<p>Doubledutch, your comments do not come across harsh, thank you so much for your feedback. I like your comments because they are much like I would give someone else.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I did send a reply to Rob eventually last night.... I said:</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">
<div>
<p><span>Rob,</span><br><span> </span><br><span>I am trying to be understanding.  Please understand my point of view that your "puzzle pieces" have been up in the air for years and that is why you owe Sharon so much back support and why I typically get nothing to help with Rebecca. </span><br><span> </span><br><span>I appreciate you paying the half of daycare last month, that was great.  I appreciate you catching up on your other bills that you owe me that I paid for you.</span><br><span> </span><br><span>I am frustrated that you are just looking for work now. </span><br><span> </span><br><span>Regards,</span><br><span>Andrea</span><br>
 </p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
<p>of course, since he barely works . . . doesn't he feel any responsibility to provide for his kids?!  nevermind, i already know!  :)  i read your other thread and you already had gotten such good feedback that i didn't have anything to add.  just keep posting here for reality checks whenever he makes you doubt yourself.  <span><img alt="hug2.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328718336461_160" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span></p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<p>I appreciate the reality checks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>My bff says I should have been a Jewish grandmother for my ability to feel guilty about EVERYTHING and feel that is my fault.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
<p>Maybe it's different in your state, but I think my state's system is pretty standard:</p>
<p>Child support is one calculation.  Child care and insurance is another.  Plus there is imputed income...what he SHOULD be making.  <a href="http://family-law.lawyers.com/child-support/Imputed-Income-in-Child-Support-Calculations.html" target="_blank">http://family-law.lawyers.com/child-support/Imputed-Income-in-Child-Support-Calculations.html</a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>You might find that your daughter is entitled to more financial support than you think.  Now, collecting it is a whole different thing.  But at least if it was accruing, you'd get a stab at any tax refunds he might stumble into.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe gently suggest that there is plenty of time to meditate on puzzle pieces while delivering pizza or bussing tables. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<p>I am in British Columbia Canada. *sigh* My CS amount is calculated after his first ex has hers calculated for 3 kids. So she gets $162/ mo and I get $33 if I filed in court. And my income is obviously significantly higher than his and I am a legal secretary just working in an office. I get zero help with daycare subsidies, nothing. He did pay $245 towards daycare last month and he takes her ever Monday and every other Friday so that reduces the daycare bill too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am mad I think. And I am not sure how to feel about that. I haven't been 'mad' before... just... resigned. Frustrated a bit. Now I am actually looking at him getting mad.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
<p>Oh yuck.  That system stinks.  And $162 for THREE kids????  Wow.  Is your child support supposed to be his total contribution---nothing about childcare or anything? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>ETA:  answered my own question: <a href="http://www.bcfamilylawresource.com/04/0401body.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bcfamilylawresource.com/04/0401body.htm</a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>ETA again:  If this is the Mr. Zen from your other thread who teaches dance a few hours a week, you totally would have a shot at the imputing income requirements in the link above.  Unless he's watching the kids full time or going to school, it wouldn't be that hard to meet the requirements.  No idea what it would cost in terms of legal fees, stress and time though.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
<p>What a joke.  I wonder if puzzle pieces can pay for kids' food and shelter these days.  It's pathetic that he feels no responsibility!</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
<p>His other 3 kids there is no daycare or anything. They are 15, 13 and 8, Mom is a dance teacher, mom's live in boyfriend is a computer tech. They juggle kids and EOW he has them Thurs aft school to Mon drop at school.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His gross income for 201 was $11,400. *sigh*  Yes, he has worked some cash under the table stuff but if I fight about it and the govt gets wind anything I WOULD get would be gone in taxes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had already filed BK before I met him... got rid of most post-divorce debt that he took but the student loans didn't clear from his part way through a computer program before stress of his wife and him fighting hit and he quit. He owes $10K there to the govt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Owes $2K to the FMEP (maintenance enforcement program) in collections for back CS for his older 3.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pays nothing towards Kung Fu, Piano, BMX etc... each of the kids extra curriculars. Nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Since he moved out in June I have received money 2x to help with daycare which runs me $245 every two weeks. It is $35/ day for her in this good home daycare, all food provided, etc. Other than that he can't help.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I need to move on. I will have help when I move to Vancouver again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am getting mad... will have to start a new thread. I am actually getting mad at this is shocking for me. And unsettling.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
<p>I am mad at myself for not seeing this before. I was grieving, DH had just committed suicide, my 'friend' was there with me and I emotionally clung to him and it just evolved... and spiraled out of control. And a surprise baby/ IUD fail and... it just got complicated.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>Mama you have been thru a lot. <span><img alt="hug2.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328751081954_161" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif">  Give yourself time to heal.</span></p>
<p><span>This is going to be hard.... I have been divorced 5 years and it is still hard sometimes.</span></p>
<p><span>No one wants this...</span></p>
<p><span>Take care of yourself and learn to trust yourself again.</span></p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
224 Posts
<p>Mad is good! He is behaving in a way that would reasonably cause you to be angry... That's healthy and justified I think.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I understand the getting mad at yourself. I look at me relationship with ex and get mad at myself for putting up with too much but it's not helpful, you need to forgive yourself for the things that were truly your fault and learn from them. But he has treated you badly, be angry at him ... It will make you stronger and less likly to put up with his shit!</p>
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top