[Sagesgirl]

Pardon me if this is a bit disjointed, I am thinking as I'm going along...

My husband and I are in a situation which I know is not unique, although it seems to be. Which is to say, I do not work and we both want it that way. I actually put in a little effort a couple of months ago to find a part-time job, but we decided at the last minute that I wouldn't do it. (It would have been nights, so that he could have watched the kids.)

We're both happy with this arrangement, as I am going to assume is the case for the other Mamas here.

But what gets me...what I find baffling...is that no one seem to realize that this is the way we want it. Rob is within two weeks of transitioning out of the Navy, and Friday we met with his "mentor" and had a discussion of what to do once we were back home. Chief Bledsoe's suggestion was that Rob go to college instead of get a job, because between the GI Bill & the help that Texas gives veterans, his college will be well-paid-for.

No mention was made of how the family would pay for incidentals like food and rent...Rob and I were discussing this yesterday and I told him that I'd bet good money that it never occurred to this guy that I was not going to be working.

And indeed it seems an absolutely alien concept to many people...That I am not working, and that I will not be working any time in the foreseeable future (not out of the home, at least, I keep trying to bring in some money WAHing).

I neither know nor care what anyone thinks of this, beyond a fatalistic expectation of another lecture from his mom about it, but I do find it rather bemusing that no one expects women to be SAHMs these days. And it's kind of funny, because two or three of my friends from high school have also wound up as SAHMs (that I know of), and the woman right next door to me is a WAHM. (And we used to have a neighbor who was a full time student; although not a mother she didn't have a job other than going to school.)

So I wonder...Have y'all encountered a similar mindset where you are? Or is it just that Hawaii is so expensive that no one thinks a single-paycheck family is possible?

 

[LilithParker]

Random people: "So, Lilith, what are your plans for the future?"
Me: "Well, I want to be a SAHM."
RP: "You mean after you have a career, right?"
Me: "Erm, no. Being a SAHM *is* the career."
RP: "..."

I get it all the time, especially from people of my grandparents' generation.

 

[momto l&a]

In our area SAHM's are fairly normal.

I even get thanked or congratulated for being a SAHM.

My dh has thought of going back to school. We could get grants to cover living expenses.

 

[mightymoo]

I know a lot of SAHMs, but there is definitely this feeling like you stay at home for a few years while the kids are young, then you go back to work. I haven't decided what I'm going to do, we'll figure that out later, but I definitely have heard plenty of people voice the expectation that I'll go back to work.

 

[sweetfeet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mightymoo I know a lot of SAHMs, but there is definitely this feeling like you stay at home for a few years while the kids are young, then you go back to work. I haven't decided what I'm going to do, we'll figure that out later, but I definitely have heard plenty of people voice the expectation that I'll go back to work.

That is the way it is around here. People assume that you're staying home until the kids go to school and then the "free daycare" will kick in and you'll rush back to work. People think it's odd that I want to homeschool and that I plan on remaining at home indefinately. Seems like people don't understand why I would choose to be a sahm, even if I were only working at gymboree and blowing my paycheck on clothes it would be more accepted around here.

 

[laneylue]

I have encountered a lot of people who think SAHMs are lazy, uneducated, and moochers (mostly men). Sometimes the attitudes are downright hostile.

My BILs friend makes comments to me that I have no say in how our (my husband's) money is spent since I don't get a paycheck and I don't have a "job." His comments regarding money are so insulting. However, I just try to stay calm and just remind myself how grateful I am that I'm not his wife.

I have just accepted that in our society and with the advances in equality over the past few decades, many people believe equality means both partners doing the same things and contributing the same ways to the household, especially financially. It makes me really sad.

Slightly OT: I saw an episode of Sell this House where the couple was selling their home to buy a less expensive home so the mom could quit her job and be a SAHM to her three boys. I thought it was pretty awesome that they were willing to sacrifice something relatively material in an effort to do what they felt was best for their children.

 

[kittywitty]

I agree with you all. We went from a culture where being a SAHM was normal and encouraged to one where being a SAHM means to many people that you are uneducated, lazy, and worthless. It is rather disturbing.

 

[normajean]

Yes, here is what we are getting...DH is looking at going back to school for his PhD. He already has 2 advanced degrees. Anyway, it is next to impossible to find a program that has the certification he needs that will allow him to work fulltime. He's already licensed & has been working for 5 years, but his job is such that he has to work 8-4ish type of hours.

Now the relevant point(sorry about the long boring story) he's asking around at schools, they assume he's single, and suggest a grad-asstship in exchange for room/board. When they hear he's married, its always "whats the problem, your wife can easily make enough money to support the family, with the help of stafford loans."

Well, theoretically, yes. With my own educational background, I could. And without it, well sorry, but I'm not just jumping at the idea of $60K/year in student loans to cover his education PLUS room/board/clothing for the four (and hopefully soon 5) of us.

And another thing that has happened recently, was I was at a meet & greet for a local job that had a community night, for the superintendent of schools. I introduced myself to one candidate-my kids who were with me were playing quietly nearby. She glanced at them, then at me, and said, "surely that isn't all you do?" This was right after I'd finished my degree & had just published a book...but its beside the point, what if it were? What is wrong with that? I was infuriated.

 

[jayb842]

Hi,

I agree dh started a new job about two months ago. Whe he interview his boss who is around our age was explainig where to live in the area. It audiomatically came out of his month. " We have an excellent daycenters in the area" and name off one that he send his kids too. Dh was very quick to say no she's at home with ds. We will be keeping it that way too. I was proud of him.

Jay

 

[mommie2littleones]

I think my favorite was when I was out shopping with my mom helping her put together outfits. The sales lady asked if I was interested in a job because she liked the way I was helping my mom, I told her I was a SAHM and her responce was "oh your just a mom" I thought my mother was gonna go postal on the lady, she went off on her letting her know that I had three children who were my job and I wasn't "just a mom" I was also a family accountant, housekeeper, taxi, laundry service, nurse, therapist and much more and the last thing I need was another job from them. We preceded to leave the store with the lady saying how sorry she was and that she hadn't meant it that way.

My mom always tells me: "She worked her but off so that I could have the choice to stay home or have a career. That she is proud that I choose to stay home."

 

[MamaTaraX]

I can feel that. I graduated from high school and started having babies. And that's how we wnated it. We both wanted me to stay home. People are baffled. Completely. Baffled. I doula for a hospital. To work there I had to go through their HR department. I met with the head lady. I told her I had no idea how to fill out the paperwork. She looked confused..
HR: It's just like any other job process
Me: I've never worked any other job
HR: Oh anything counts! Flipping burgers, filling gas, whatever.
Me: No, I literally hae never done anything else. I graduated from high school and stayed home and had babies.
HR: *confused look on face* *yells into next room* This girl has never had a job!
Next Room Lady: Wow, really? What do you DO?
Me: I'm a SAHM. I graduated high school and started having babies
HR and NRL: Relaly? Nobody does that anymore!

They were truly confused to see a young woman who actually WANTED to stay home and raise babies in this day and age! And when they asked what I'd do when the kids went to school/grew up I said "Have a cleaner house!" They thought I was joking.

Namaste, Tara

 

[Starlitlexy]

I hear it all the time. People act like why would we want to do that when we can have more out of life. WAIT wha? More out of the life than raising our kids? I don't see what more I could ask for then seeing my children grow and become adults. That's all I see as important. I really dislike how SAHM's are put down and not respected.

 

[Three~Little~Birds]

I get it quite often, too.
Recently, my MIL (who I thought was happy that I stayed at home with her grandkids) said to me... "would you ever consider getting your Masters degree?" Me: yes, maybe someday, but not right now" (even though I don' t have any plans to ever stop being a SAHM, in spite of my previous career). MIL: "well, I was just thinking back to when I was at home with my kids and how it would have been a perfect opportunity to get something done...well, I suppose I was doing a lot of things back then, but NOTHING REALLY. What would be stopping you?"
OMG!! I couldn't believe it!! Firstly, I don't think she has any idea how much we are financially sacrificing, and sometimes barely scraping by, and there is NO WAY we could afford it. Secondly - and most importantly - does she really think that I am doing 'nothing really'? I realize that she means 'no accomplishments', however, I feel that my time right now is an investment, not a waste!! I was really hurt by her comment.
We CHOOSE this lifestyle. We value parenthood, even though society doesn't.

:

 

[churchofdisco]

i guess i'm pretty lucky then. i've encountered much more positive reactions than negative ones. i happen to live in an area where there are a lot of SAHM's so it's pretty normal here, especially since my two are under two years old, i think i'm expected to stay home. my grandmother is very much for getting an education since it's something that she never really had a chance or the means to do, but i also know that she is very proud that i am choosing to stay home with my children to raise them myself and to be available to them and my husband as they need me.

 

[wonderwahine]

because we are having money problems, everyone my father in law speaks to asks him why im not working.......as if im just sitting on my butt all day doing nothing. Its so annoying......im going to start telling people its against our religious beliefs.

 

[Sagesgirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by romans_mum because we are having money problems, everyone my father in law speaks to asks him why im not working.......as if im just sitting on my butt all day doing nothing. Its so annoying......im going to start telling people its against our religious beliefs.

See, this is what has me nervous for our near future. DH's mother was a WAHM before the term existed, and sometimes she worked outside the home, and though they'll say it was to meet bills, I know it was for a certain standard of living that they wanted. And I'm not knocking that, honest.

But we're liable to wind up in some tight times when we get back, because DH has no job or immediate prospects thereof (Join the Navy, they said, get a career, they said...nevermind that there's pretty much no call for moving around weapons in the civilian world!

)...and that's going to get them started on how I should go out and get a job. Nevermind that with my lack of education beyond high school I can really only get a job that pays $7 or $8 an hour, and that wouldn't really even pay for daycare, not to mention all the other negative repercussions it would have on our desired lifestyle. And, well, Rob has seen what happens to me when I take a job because I feel I need to and wind up doing customer service again. He doesn't like soul-sucking call centers any more than I do.

Quote:

They were truly confused to see a young woman who actually WANTED to stay home and raise babies in this day and age!

Reminds me of a friend of mine from high school. Straight A student. Had her first baby in junior year (OT, but the guidance counselor immediately told her to drop out of school when she got pregnant!

: ). Spent her senior year dealing with people who simply could not grasp the concept that she intended to spend at least a few years right out of high school being a wife and mother. They did this thing graduation day where they said what we'd be doing after graduation, and they were having a conniption fit because they didn't want to say what she was actually gonna do. **sigh**

 

[Mama Poot]

Incident while getting a checking account at Washington Mutual in Goodyear, Arizona:

Banker to DH: So what do you do, why'd you move to AZ?
DH: I'm a teacher, not many jobs available back in OH
Banker: Yeah. This area has lots of jobs...

( Whole conversation goes on for about 5-10 minutes between the banker and DH, I am sitting right next to DH with DS on my lap. I haven't even been acknowledged yet... The guy shook DH's hand upon meeting and ignored me. )

Banker to me: So are you working yet?

OH NO HE DIDNT JUST SAY THAT....I seriously was at a loss....what a jerk.
Me: No I'm a SAHM. I don't plan on "getting a job".
Banker: *snarky "Hmmmph."*

I should have grabbed DH and said we're taking our business elsewhere but I was too stunned to speak.

 

[wonderwahine]

wow! ive never had anyone at wamu be snarky etc to us.....some people just have no respect. Infact the guy who signed us up, his wife was a SAHM too.

we had awful peple at old second bank though......i guess it takes all kinda though.

 

[jillybeans]

I hate the comment "so do you just stay at home?" JUST????!!!!!
Or, what will you do when your kids start school? well, probably what I'm doing now!

 

[wonderwahine]

i always have a comback for the school one.......i tell them im going to homeschool

it shuts them up pretty quickly.