[Dreamer]

I was reading another post in this forum & one of the posters said that she wasn't always as playful as she'd like to be & it sparked this question... I have noticed a real change in my parenting of DS just in the last year or so. He'll be 4 in January, just for reference. What I've noticed, though, is that where I used to 'playfully parent' him, when he was a toddler-3ish, but now that he's maturing more, I find myself having to be more 'business like' with him...Not mean or anything, just straightforward. Is this just a natural progression of my parenting & what he needs right now? Have any of you other mamas noticed a change in your parenting 'style' as your children have matured? It's not like we don't ever 'play' anymore, it just seems that he's needs me to be straight with him now, instead of playful...??? Anybody else noticed a change?

Alayna

 

[MsMoMpls]

Oh- please don't lose the playful parenting. I think mom's struggle with this more than dads- we get so mad at them for getting them all riled up and then we have to do the "sensible" thing. I think I am a much better mom when I can joke and play and tease and throw all the rules out the window sometimes. Don't ever agree to be the tough parent. Be the fun one and if no one volunteers to be the tough one, that is ok. So what! The house will be a mess, your kids will eat too much junk, you will be late for everything and everyone will live happily ever after.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I don't think the playfulness has to end ever. I mean as they get older the issues become different (naturally) but the silly and fun and humorous attitude doesn't have to end at age 4 or 8 IMO. I suppose it depends on the situation in question as to how you want to approach it (some things *are* serious after all) but really I have always been a playful parent, and **** am even with the kids being 11 and 13.

 

[DaryLLL]

No. I am a playful mom and my kids are all teenagers. Of course the "play" evolves, but we laugh and joke. My kids are hilarious.

 

[Dreamer]

What I was trying to say is, have you dealt with your children differently as they've gotten older?

Like, ds & I... we play, we laugh, giggle, tell jokes, etc...but, when we need to get something done, I don't fall in the floor tickling him, trying to get him to do what I want him to do. I did that when he was 2-ish, but now that he's gotten older, a more straight-foward approach works best when I need him to comply with what I'm asking/needing him to do.

Maybe I should state my example from the other thread...

The question from the OP was something like, "how do I get my child to comply with my request without being rude"...the responses came back that you don't 'ask' them but rather 'tell' them what you want them to do. I noticed that *I* had come to this realization before, as I was always asking my ds a question when I wanted him to do something, ex: "DS take your shoes to your room, ok?"...giving him that little "ok" <in my mind, being more playful> gave him the lee-way to actually tell me NO! In order to stop getting the NO! all the time, I just started leaving the OK? off the end of my question & I recieve FAAAR fewer NO!'s now.

Have you noticed subtle changes like that in your communication with your growing children?

Alayna

 

[sunnmama]

Dreamer, I can relate to the progression. When dd was younger, I *had* to be creative and playful to get anything done. Now, I can sometimes just ask, and she will do. It is nice when it happens

I find that my dd lets me know when she needs more playfulness (by being uncooperative :LOL). Then it is just a matter of me recognizing that need, and not getting stuck in a struggle of wills.

So anyway, yes, I think it is natural for some of us to become less playful as the dc become more cooperative with maturity. But it would be a loss if we stopped being playful just because they no longer demand it, no? Thanks for the reminder to be playful!!!

 

[DaryLLL]

I rec How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

Re shoes away:

Not:

Please put your shoes away (ok)?

But:

The shoes go in the closet (or room or whatever)

 

[Embee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamer What I was trying to say is, have you dealt with your children differently as they've gotten older?

Dreamer, my DS will be 4 in January also. I am a HUGE advocate of Playful Parenting and don't intend to ever forget it's principles however I think I do know what you're saying... more and more lately, I noticed that DS really appreciates it when I treat him like any other person. Have lots of conversations, ask questions, ask for input, explain things to him like I'm talking to another adult, etc. I do this when I feel it's appropriate.

OTOH, when I KNOW that getting to the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed is going to be a struggle I institute PP... "Will it be an airplace or copter ride to the bath this eve, sir?" I use PP where it works and I talk to him like I would a friend or DH when I know he appreciates it. Cues... all about cues... ah, but we've been doing that since day one, eh?

The best,
Em

 

[BeansEemie]

What we got from Playful Parenting:
A respect for roughousing
an understanding of what "misbeaving" often means- disconnection
knowledge of the need to play with our kid, and get on his level

I don't see why these things would change. My child is often serious and we deal with a lot of problems through talking. In some ways that has meant that PP was even more valuable and will continue to be so, I imagine, as he gets older, because it reminds us to play.

 

[Dreamer]

Sunmama: I agree that I've become a lot less playful, as my ds has become more mature/independent/etc...And, I don't want y'all to take that the wrong way as I'm naturally a pretty nutty mama, so it may be a *good* thing that I'm maturing right along with ds!

It's so crazy to see how 'serious' I have to be sometimes though, as I've never really been too serious a person until I had to do this 'parenting' business...Something I've noticed, though...I think having been so playful with ds when he was a babe/toddler, now that he's grown up a little, he knows that when mama's serious, MAMA's SERIOUS. I think it has gone a long way in helping tame the power struggles that I see a lot of parents with children this age going through.

For instance, today we were in the bank. Not in a very nice part of town. He was standing right up under me in line & all of a sudden, he was GONE. He had asked if they had chairs as we were walking in & I told him that I didn't know, we'd have to see, so the first place I look is over at the chairs <about 15 people between me & him>...At first I didn't see him & my heart sank <I'm sure y'all know what Im talkin' about here!> Then his head popped up over the back of a chair and all I had to say was HERE. NOW. And boy, did he ever run! I know if that had been my little cousin <she's 5 & parenting toooootally different than my ds> that she would have given her mother a FIT, causing some huge ruckus...My point being, that I think that when we can be playful with them in everyday life, that when it comes to 'the safety issues' <like when most spankers say "I only spank when it's a safety issue"> that children who have been playfully parented KNOW when they're parents are serious, without having to be beat. Does that make sense?

Sorry...that was a tangent!!!

Darylll: I will definately look into that book...I haven't read that one yet & can see that it might help make this 'transition' easier for ME!

Embee: You hit the nail on the head, mama! It's like he's almost SEEKING OUT this 'adult-like' behaviour from me. Like he doesn't *want to be "talked to like a child:, kwim?... It's got me a little freaked out, as he acts so GROWN sometimes! I never knew a kid at this age that could carry on such dramatic conversations and such...I worked in a daycare for YEARS & never knew that there were kids like this!

I totally agree that it's all about the cues...I think what freaks me out the most is that my 'natural instincts' seem to have faded over the years & I feel like I'm going at this all alone <without the instincts>...It's like sometimes, I don't know what I should do, ya know? And, I feel like he's pretty much gonna remember everything from here on out, ya know!

Ahhhh! I think mama's havin' a rough time with this 'about to have a 4 year old' stuff!!

I hope you're ds has a wonderful b'day!!

Sheryn: The 'disconnection' thing is something else that I've noticed...Like, when I pick ds up from my mom's house <he stays there like 2 nights a week> he always acts kinda mean, or 'ornery' as we call it when I first pick him up...It's like we've misplaced our 'connection' and it really does take PLAY to get that connection back into focus. I've learned that if I go into the house with silliness in mind, and just attack him with some tickle monster or brain sucker that he usually just totally skips over the mean stage & goes right into loving...It's just crazy how this can work so well!!!

Anyway, I just want to say thank you mamas! This discussion has really helped me identify some places that I've been lacking in, or at least bring to the surface things that are working well & that always helps me to implement the good tactics more! Thanks so much!

Alayna

 

[IncaMama]

wow, this thread has been really helpful to me...my son is 21months old right now so i'm right in the thick of ultra-playful parenting LOL and it's really nice to hear that it doesn't have to end when he understands things better or is more capable of following complex instructions/requests, etc...anyway, thank you all!

 

[Ruthla]

I've never read the book, but I do stuff like this with my 8yo. With shoes on the floor, I'll say something like "Hannah, I asked your shoes very nicely to go into the closet but they're not cooperating. I think they need your help."

If I tried that approach with Leah, she'd roll her eyes at me (but then, she doesn't leave her shoes on the floor nearly as often!!!) She's in this early puberty phase and wants/needs more mature interaction.

Both of them responded well to notes such as "Please put me away, it's uncomfortabale and crowded in here, love, the laundry." and "All this clutter is making me itchy. I'm looking forward to being clean enough to vacuum! Love, your bedroom floor." (I've written them thank-you notes from their beds when they remember to make them too.)

 

[Embee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamer I think what freaks me out the most is that my 'natural instincts' seem to have faded over the years & I feel like I'm going at this all alone <without the instincts>...It's like sometimes, I don't know what I should do, ya know? And, I feel like he's pretty much gonna remember everything from here on out, ya know! Ahhhh! I think mama's havin' a rough time with this 'about to have a 4 year old' stuff!! I hope you're ds has a wonderful b'day!!

I totally get this. Completely! DS has been doing some of the biggest changing personality wise lately and at times, I feel at a loss, overwhelmed, awed. It's times like these I try hard to recognize that it's one of those changes and in time, I'll adjust my parenting to fit. Every time one of these periods presents itself, I feel a little lost and I'm not sure if this time is any different but right now, 4 feels HUGE and very different. Perhaps because that's the moment we're in, or perhaps it is because this is one of the more major transitions. Don't know, but I did read some basic developmental info on 4 year olds and that helped a lot. It seems that for all of the more serious grown up behavior, he's also added an out of "boundsness" that is unprecendented for him. No wonder I feel all over the place... so goes my little guy!

Much of the time, DS has been HUGE play guy, and role play and pretend in particular have been some things about playful parenting that we've found extremely helpful. OTOH, lately although he's still huge on play, he does seem for the first time at least somewhat able to have conversations about issues he working through as well. I remember feeling so lucky to have found PP at a time when this just wasn't an effective way to allow DS to grow and work through problems. It is nice that the tide is turning to include talk as a means to work through issues, but I'm fairly certain it will be a long long while before it will be the preferred or usual way.

The best to you and happy birthday to your January man as well!