[readytobedone]

i wish i could feel happy about a possible pregnancy, but i just can't

i literally shake with fear any time i think i even might be pregnant.

i really want to be (what i think of as) a normal woman, for whom pregnancy is a joyous event. will i ever get there?

 

[Smokering]

*hugs*

I don't shake with fear exactly (my fertility hasn't returned yet and we're preventing in any case, so me being pregnant now isn't really on my worry radar)... but I know what you mean about wanting to be a "normal" woman. I hate that I keep thinking things like "Why would you do that?" when I hear my friends are TTC... I was always very pro-babies and loved hearing about pregnancy and birth, and I feel like I've turned into a cynic who can only think horrible things like "Wow, rather her than me" and "Does she know what she's getting herself into?"

 

[RoseRedHoofbeats]

I totally hear you there. I really, REALLY want another baby again, but the thought of having preterm labor and having to go on bedrest AGAIN, with my daughter this time.... it's just a lot right now. Sometimes I wonder if I really want another child or if I just want the chance to have the pregnancy and birth I should have gotten the first time around.

It's so hard to be afraid of something you want so much. I'm sorry. =(

~Rose

 

[MayBaby2007]

I completely understand, too.

As a pp, I really want another baby. But the thought terrifies me. I've already made the decision that when/if I get pregnant again, I will not step one foot inside a doctor's office. Not one foot. That was my mistake with dd. I didn't find/know of a lay midwife until around 36 weeks pregnant. (I was planning a UC but was receiving prenatal care from OB).

I'm worried that when/if I'm pregnant again, I will put myself and/or the baby at risk. I'm worried that my complete fear of hospitals (more so now, with the CS and all) and fear of a repeat CS will guide my decisions with labor/pregnancy. But, what if I have placenta previa and I have absolutely no choice but to have a CS? I don't think I can handle that. I just don't think I can handle yet another trauma. So? What will I do? The night of dd's CS, I seriously considered suicide. The fear of hospitals/doctors/CS was really that bad. I hated my unborn dd that night. Hated her. (I never formed a bond with her--but found myself hating her). I swore I wouldn't want anything to do with her after the CS.

My plan was this: Have the CS. Shun the baby. Leave AMA (I purposely drove myself to the hospital) and go to a bar and get drunk. Lastly, kill myself. I had already stocked up on appropriate pills to do the trick.

As stated, I had no bond with my unborn child. I think I was too busy working 80 hours/week and fighting with her dad to form one with her. I was out for the CS--couldn't handle being awake. When they wheeled me up to the nursery afterwards and I saw her for the first time--that miraculous thing happened. I instantly fell in love. She was real. That thing inside of me was her. I'm a mother. It was such a feeling of awe.

So, I'm well aware of the mother's love thing and all that. But I seriously do not think I can handle a repeat birth trauma. I'm afraid that if a repeat does happen, I will without a doubt follow through with my original plan (bar and the last step). DD will be 2 in about a month. And I can't believe that her birth is still a part of my every day life. Her belly button triggers me (the whole umbilical cord thing, surgeons cutting it, etc).

Last fall, I made the mistake of sleeping with her dad 3 times. He was on his "I love you so much" kick. He's always after sex and I always tell him no (We weren't "together" then....and honestly we're really not now but he tells me we are. Long story, but I'm naive and stupid so I fall for his crap). During his "I love you so much kick", one night he slipped up (read: didn't pull out quick enough). I told him, "You better NOT get me pregnant!" I was more than angry. He told me, "Aw, that would be great. I'd love to give dd a sibling...."

2 days later, he approaches me at my job for a favor. He wanted me to take the morning after pill. I refused. That made him mad. He told me (and I will never forget this), "If you don't take the pill, you're on your own." I told him, "I was with the first one. This one won't be any different." And I was. He completely abandoned me during pregnancy and at the hospital. Of all people, he knew my complete and utter fear of docs/hospitals. And he left. He's hurt me so bad. In my heart, I don't feel I can move past it. But he kind of insists. He's been insisting on our relationship for the past 8 years. Everytime I say no, he pushes harder, just like sex. After saying "no" and not being heard for so long, it's like why even bother anymore?

Anyway. I've also decided he's not invited to any future births. That will be kind of hard, if we're married (though I highly doubt that, he just leads me on). But I don't want him there. I don't want to pretend to think that he'd come through for me, only to abandon me again.

I'm sorry I just rambled on for what seems 20 pages. The weather is changing and I've been having so many more flashbacks lately. The cool spring mornings. DD's bday coming up. Just tons of flashbacks and hurt. And just last night, of being completely unheard by dd's dad (I tell him I don't want sex, in a detailed mature discussion and list my logical reasons and 10 minutes later, he's all over me. wtf? But I grin and bear it and take it out on myself the next day).

It's nice to get that out of me.

I think it's time to break out the vodka again

 

[pixiekisses]

Yes. Even though I really want another baby, or several, I still get scared out of my wits just by the thought of being pregnant again.
With my last I had severe pre-eclampsia and developed serious HELLP, was hospitalized for almost a week, before I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself in a pool of blood. They found the baby in bradycardia and figured my placenta had ruptured, and rushed me to the OR. Less than 10 minutes after I woke in my bed my baby had been delivered by a catastrophic c-section. Born lifeless, blue, apgar 0, no heartbeat, no breathing. They did CPR of course, and got her back. She survived. No brain injury. But born at 30 weeks, seriously sick and special needs her whole life.
I almost died from blood loss and the HELLP, I was still critically ill after the c-section. My baby was too. She almost died several times the first week.
I can't really describe this, I find myself lost for words.
But I'm utterly terrified.

And I still want another baby. I have to be crazy don't I?
We're fostering a baby now, and that helps, but I still want to be pregnant, and I want to have a wonderful, natural birth, awake. With a healthy, full-term baby that I get up on my chest the second she/he is born.
Ugh, I'm going in circles in my head here.

 

[kitkat5505]

We plan to have more kids, but everytime I think about going through labor and birth again my breath gets short and my heart starts pounding. I'm terrified. I'm afraid of the pain, I'm afraid that I'll go through it all just to end up with another c/s, and I'm afraid of feeling like a failure again. Especially because my options are now more limited having 2 c/s. I can't go to my wonderful midwife and her birth suite again because licensed midwives here are not allowed to attend vba2c. So my choices are try to find a supportive OB for a hospital birth or have a homebirth with a lay midwife, neither option I am comfortable with, and I'm afraid I'll make the wrong choice and end up with another awful birth.

 

[First Time Mama]

I wouldn't say that I'm terrified of another birth most days (although I was for the first year of DS life) So much so that if I had gotten pregnant, I think I would have considered an abortion. I've done a lot of work to heal from the c/s and most days I feel pretty good about another birth, but sometimes the fear still comes up. I know I will have another baby, and I am starting to want one more and more as DS gets older, but I still have enough fear to stop me from getting pregnant. I fear that I will work just as hard as last time and end up with a c section again. Part of what has made healing from this c/s bearable is the hope of my dream birth. If that's taken away next time I don't know what I'll do. I LOVED being pregnant so I think I'll enjoy another pregnancy but I know I'll be afraid of birth in a way I never was before and that makes me sad.

 

[DevaMajka]

Yep, it did. I used to get really panicky at the thought of a potential pg. I was totally convinced that I NEVER EVER wanted to be pg again. And I really don't think I would have ever actually planned to get pg. I DID really want another child though (planned on adopting).
But I did get pg, when ds was about 4yo. (at least it was long enough to somewhat dull the panic. But only somewhat). The first tri was really tough. I'd get shaky and panicky any time I read about labor or birth. I was happy about it as long as I didn't let myself think about labor or birth, though.

It helps that my situation is SO much different this time than last time. I think that all the bad things that happened in my previous birth were due to being in the hospital, on just about every possible medical intervention they had.

This time, I'm using midwives who have a very natural view on birth. Still in a hospital, but the hospital is WAY more mother friendly, and is one that respects mw's as the boss anyway.

All that to say, you're not alone. The idea of getting pg was downright terrifying to me. I'm not sure the whole idea of being pg/giving birth is exciting, but the idea of having a new baby is (now) exciting enough to outweigh the panic I used to feel.