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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i really dislike my MIL, she's always critical of our parenting/birthing choices .. it's one thing to disagree, it's another to continue whining about it for 4 years! anyways, i've been married to my hubby for 4 years now, been together for 7 years. everything else in our relationship is pretty good.. we don't really fight about money, housework or the kids, etc, but where his mother is concerned, it's a different story. and it's not that we're even fighting about it.. .we're on the same side! he also doesn't like how intrusive she is (and how, every few weeks, she'll call us, literally crying, 'cause i don't like her). but, the man just can't stand up to his own mother! i wish, wish, wish that he would just, bluntly tell her to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> off, and mind her own business! it's really starting to interfer w/ our marriagei feel like he's letting her get away with all this(if my mother ever treated him how she treats me, we just wouldn't talk to/see her until she apologized!), and he's feeling trapped in the middle (he doesn't want to upset his mom; just wants us to get along)<br><br>
i'm really starting to feel depressed, 'cause she's the biggest problem in our marriage, and i don't think it should be that way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed">
 

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I wish I had an easy answer for you, but the truth is, out of every relationship I have had, present dp included, I have had a partner whose mother held very tightly to her child.<br><br>
I am older and wiser and a mother myself now. Which means I pick and choose my battles very carefully.<br><br>
My future mother in law is very intrusive, she is way too involved in every aspect of my dp's life, right down to opening his mail that occasionally still comes to her house.<br><br>
She asks alot of questions, she has an opinion about everything, and tries to orchestrate everything in our lives..and guess what? So does my own mom,lol.<br><br>
My dp is also on the same "side" if you have to call it that, as me. Yet I never expect, nor would I want him to take a stand with his mother. Because everything she does is motivated by love, even the things that are misdirected and annoying.<br><br>
So we say nothing. We shake our head and nod alot in agreement. We spend time on the phone letting both our mothers talk, while we smile at one another, understanding that neither of them will ever change, and knowing it is better to have a mother who cares, then a mother who doesn't.<br><br>
I don't know if that is what you wanted to hear, and I know it doesn't really help you, but his tkaing a stand against his mother is not the right path to choose either..he can set boundaries..but she may not respect them.<br><br>
When in doubt, smile and nod a lot. It always works, it keeps tension at bay, and lets them think they are right.
 

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i have no advice. I'd give anything to spend time with my mil. She died when dh was 18. I truly believe she'd have so much insight into her son.. my husband. I wish she was around to bug the hell out of me
 

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Not really. She's more 'involved' than I'd like, but my DH put up with my parents being way involved for a long time even though my DH like my mom much (through a long and drawn-out process, they arrived at a 'truce' about 4 years ago that has managed to last).<br><br>
DH decides when to tell his mom off and when to let things slide, not me. This is the same as with my parents. Sometimes he lets things slide that I wouldn't, or brings things up that I would let slide, but he knows his mom way better than I know her and I trust that he knows which battles are worth it.<br><br>
Now, ask that question in reverse and DH would have some venting to do. Before their 'truce', my mom even for a while decided to actively try to break us up.
 

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No, but she lives on a different continent and doesn't have a phone. :LOL However, I think even if we lived next door, it would be no problem. From what dh tells me, we line up on home birthing, breastfeeding, and discipline, all the biggies. And she "let him go" long, long ago. Didn't have the luxury of holding on, when the gov't forcibly conscripted him in the army. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br>
Honestly though, I think my dh would have to answer yes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: My parents are sweet and well-intentioned but have definately been a little over-involved trying to make our life go the way they think it should. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>1crunchymomma</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(and how, every few weeks, she'll call us, literally crying, 'cause i don't like her). but, the man just can't stand up to his own mother! i wish, wish, wish that he would just, bluntly tell her to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> off, and mind her own business! it's really starting to interfer w/ our marriagei feel like he's letting her get away with all this(if my mother ever treated him how she treats me, we just wouldn't talk to/see her until she apologized!), and he's feeling trapped in the middle (he doesn't want to upset his mom; just wants us to get along)<br><br>
i'm really starting to feel depressed, 'cause she's the biggest problem in our marriage, and i don't think it should be that way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed"></div>
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I've so been where you are. My mil was the biggest problem in my marriage for 6 of our 8 years. Those phone calls!!! I call that maneuver "fishing". She calls "fishing" and my dh would swallow the hook every time. "Oh no mom, don't say that, she likes you".<br>
It took my dh YEARS to get to this point but now when she "fishes" he won't respond. The rule is if she's complaining or whining about me he asks her to speak to me about it directly and then changes the subject. Or he responds with a shut down like "I don't know mom". Then he changes the subject.<br>
He used to complain that he was in the middle and I was all "buddy, you put yourself there!" He finally caught on that her fishing was totally manipulative and passive aggressive.<br><br>
Good luck to you. It has been such a struggle here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thanks, stillnominivan, it's nice to know that i'm not the only one.<br><br>
i must say that i'm pretty shocked with the other responses, though.. my MIL treats me like sh!t, and i should just smile and nod??? be grateful that she's even alive to treat me like crap??<br><br>
really, i just feel like packing up w/ my dh and kids, and running far, far away to live in peace <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help">
 

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Unfortunately, that's Dh's MIL, not mine. My MIL is so amazing I wish she would live with us for the rest of her days.<br><br>
But I wanted to send you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> as you deal with this. Dh keeps his relationship with my mom light, and doesn't take any of her bait. This is the way I've been dealing with her for years.
 

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YES!! My MIL has been in the way of our marriage, since DH and I met. Right now MIL and I do not speak, I could not grin and bear it. I can put up with a lot, but my MIL pushed it to the edge. I've been called everything possible, accused of child abuse, malnurishing dd, everything that makes up me has been attacked, and on and on. It got to a point where it was unhealthy for me to have a relationship with her, we haven't spoken in over a year. They didn't speak to DH for 6 months and are just starting to call him again. I admit that those 6 months were problem free. I am dreading it when they ask to dd again, I won't allow them to see dd without me but I don't want to see them. They refuse to apoloize for anything they have said, they see nothing wrong with it. I can politely tolerate somone if they do they same, but they never will, I wish it wasn't this way. I would love to have a realtionship with DH's parents, and to have dd know them. I know how you are feeling, it's frustrating.
 

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Wow, i cannot imagine what you are going through. I have always felt blessed among women because a)my MIL lives about 10,000 miles away from me (tho that may be changing soon <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> and b) She speaks not a word of ENglish :LOL . All kidding aside: I think she likes me pretty well (we have gone and stayed with them for several weeks at a time, twice now) and is content for George to have me as a wife. I think, too, that she has done quite well with 'letting go' of him, and has said or done nothing really offensive to me. She did think our parenting was really bizarre and was confused by many of our choices, but was never antagonistic or mean about it, just, well, confused <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">.<br><br>
Now, I don't like to think what might happen if she lived here (which she may do in a year or so) and treated me with disrespect. I fervently hope that my husband would stick up for me and not let me be treated badly, but frankly I don't know how well he would do. He is, let me say, NOT good at rocking the boat or confronting his parents about things. Like, his dad did something the other day that really offended me, and he did ask him about it, but i KNOW he didn't tell him that my feelings were hurt or anything like that.<br><br>
Anyway: I think you need to really confront this issue head on, and tell your dh that he MUST stop letting his mother, even if he claims not to like her, control his life and talk about you the way she is doing.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>1crunchymomma</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">thanks, stillnominivan, it's nice to know that i'm not the only one.<br><br>
i must say that i'm pretty shocked with the other responses, though.. my MIL treats me like sh!t, and i should just smile and nod??? be grateful that she's even alive to treat me like crap??<br><br>
really, i just feel like packing up w/ my dh and kids, and running far, far away to live in peace <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/help.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="help"></div>
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I felt the same way reading those last posts. Let me tell you about my mom and Grandma... Mom took the same attitude, "smile, nod, let her think she is right, keep the peace" and it made our lives hell for 10 friggin YEARS!!!
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>1crunchymomma</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i must say that i'm pretty shocked with the other responses, though.. my MIL treats me like sh!t, and i should just smile and nod??? be grateful that she's even alive to treat me like crap</div>
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I totally agree with you on this. Also I'm sure someones MIL indeed might be doing things" out of love", but with others I am wondering "out of love " for whom?<br>
I can relate SOOOO much to you on this. MY MIL is INCREDIBLY jeolous of any signs of affection from my DH. She could not even handle me holding my DH hand during contractions. Yes, she is very disrespectful of me, but she doesn't say things directly. She is so clever on being manipulative.<br>
her ingluencing my DH is THE greatest problem in our marrige. It is such a difficult struggle, because she is SOOOOO unbelievably sly and covertly manipulative and it is so hard to decode her manipulations.<br>
I stronly recommend for you reading a book "Toxoc In-Laws" by Susan Forward, especially if your DH is also influenced by all that $%& from her.<br>
Hugs to you!!!
 

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Yes, my MIL interferes in our marriage because we fight about her sometimes.<br><br>
She's always trying to do what I consider the "symbolic" things about holidays--she wants to be "in charge" of the kids' stockings and Easter baskets, for example. (She can't just give them stuff, she has to have it IN the stocking or basket!!)<br><br>
That's only the beginning. I could go on for hours (and have here, before.) The worst part is that she is flat broke, and I'm worried we'll have to take care of her someday, and I just <b>cannot</b> have that woman living in my house.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(She can't just give them stuff, she has to have it IN the stocking or basket!!)<br><br>
That's only the beginning. I could go on for hours (and have here, before.) The worst part is that she is flat broke, and I'm worried we'll have to take care of her someday, and I just <b>cannot</b> have that woman living in my house.</div>
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me too on both counts! arghhh!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AMB8301</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">YES!! My MIL has been in the way of our marriage, since DH and I met. Right now MIL and I do not speak, I could not grin and bear it. I can put up with a lot, but my MIL pushed it to the edge. I've been called everything possible, accused of child abuse, malnurishing dd, everything that makes up me has been attacked, and on and on. It got to a point where it was unhealthy for me to have a relationship with her, we haven't spoken in over a year. They didn't speak to DH for 6 months and are just starting to call him again. I admit that those 6 months were problem free. I am dreading it when they ask to dd again, I won't allow them to see dd without me but I don't want to see them. They refuse to apoloize for anything they have said, they see nothing wrong with it. I can politely tolerate somone if they do they same, but they never will, I wish it wasn't this way. I would love to have a realtionship with DH's parents, and to have dd know them. I know how you are feeling, it's frustrating.</div>
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WOW!!!!<br>
It could be me writing this, word for word!!!<br>
I also dread everytime she is supposed to come. I am totally not comfortable to leave my baby with her alone, although she tries to manipulate us to.<br>
She is also critisizing everything that makes up me.<br>
Goodness..........
 

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Oh Avonlea, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> wow. I'm at a loss as what to say. I could not imagine what you are going through. I have the option of not speaking to my IL's, DH doesn't neccessary agree with me, but he suports my decision, you don't have that option. Your DH has never made the leap from being in his family, to creating your own family, sure you always have both, but when you create your own family, you're closer in that family, then the original one. I don't know if I'm making sense here, but they matter more then you do, or at least that is how it sounds. You're right, the best thing to do would be to move so that he can come to depend on you and your DC for children instead of MIL, FIL, and BIL. Is he even willing to talk about moving? Does he even acknowledge how miserable you are? You should wonder about how the children see them treating you, behavior is often learned from watching others, if everyone else treats you like this, then someday they might too. One of my mother's friends, had a situation somwehat similar to your's the father and his family was just awful to her, the children watched for years, and then started treating the mother the same. The children are now in their late teens and one of them is finally realizing that their mother really isn't all that bad (this is after a nasty divorce in which the father got custody of the children). Their situation is extreme but I do believe that children learn how to treat others by watching their family. Is your DH willing to go to counseling? Hopefully someothers will chime in with other ideas, DD is demanding that I get off the COmputer!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> avonlea!
 
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