[ilex]

I am just very recently separated (not married). I moved the kids to another city, a few hours away from their dad. Everyone is good with it, X doesn't mind the trip. This week has been the first week he has visited us here. I have only been here for about ten days. At first we had thought we would tell dd (4) that daddy was working in the other city and wold call our place his home as well,

, I now know this was wrong and have corrected it, talking to her about the truth of the situation, that he lives there, us here, etc. I honestly thought in the start of all of this that I wouldn't mind him staying with us when he visited, but with the time and distance and the experience of MY home I am surprisingly protective and realize I so NEED my own space to be mine right now. He has been very controlling in our relationship and I need to not feel like this is in my environment, there needs to be boundaries, and I don't feel like I am doing my daughter any favors by confusing her even more. When her daddy comes it seems as though he is suddenly living here again, and I don't think this is healthy, I feel there needs to be a distinction right from the beginning, that he is visiting, this is not his home, and that he will leave again. He will be visiting every ten days or so and stays for about 2-3 days at a time. Problem is I don't know where else he would stay besides a hotel/motel and this costs money which I know he won't want to put out. I am planning on talking to him about this tonight, but I am feeling like I am being crazy to ask him to stay and pay for a hotel when he will only be there to sleep probably, but at the same time I feel crazy about having him live with us like we were back at the same place, and he is planning on coming even more often than he is now. I just don't feel it is healthy, am I being crazy? unrealistic? What do those of you do when your X only visits YOU and lives in another city?

My family thinks I am crazy for letting him stay here, thinks he should be responsible enough to find his own accomodation. And I am beginning to agree. I am feeling the weight on my shoulders just moments after he walks in the door, granted this is all new, but maybe that is even more reason to do this right, from the beginning. Am I screwing up here? Or is him staying here a normal thing to do? I am so new to this I don't know what is right or wrong right now...

 

[Holland73]

My X lives in the Netherlands and would be flying from the Netherlands to visit with ds, which can be quite expensive.

He has expressed interest in coming over early next year and I said that he could stay with us...as long as it is only him, NO gf allowed. Now, whether or not he will follow through with his plan to visit is another story.

BUT, our situation is not new or fresh. It has been over 2 years now. So, I can imagine your hesitation. You really need to follow your gut on this one.

If you do decide to allow him to continue staying over, I definitely think you need to set boundaries. It is your space and he needs to respect that...and your rules. If that is a problem, to a hotel he should go.

 

[Katt2005]

I think it could work for now, if you wanted it to, but when either of you start dating, I really don't think it will work to smoothly (just thinking ahead). I would talk to him now about it, if its bothering you. And you have EVERY right, not to be okay with this arrangement, that is your house, your safe spot. Just tell him he needs to be thinking about other arrangements, cause its jsut not healthy for you or your daughter right now.

 

[thistlelait]

I can only tell you from my experience-- it did not work for me. x moved 1/2 hour away from us -- then told me he couldn't afford the gas money to come see dd 3 days a week. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him sleep over because then dd would see her dad and I was a better person for trying to stay friendly with him.

I totally needed my space when we seperated (never married- whew!) and I gave it up because i thought it was in the best interest of my daughter. But it wasn't and I resented it. i was still taking care of him and he didn't have to take any responsibility for himself.

My ex was also very controlling and he ending up using this against me in my place-- looking through my stuff, breaking into my email. In my case, it just prolonged the agony. And I was completely stressed out again as soon as he walked in the door. It wasn't worth it. And it truly was not better for my dd either.

You are not crazy! My ex always tried to make me feel that way too and it was hard to sit back and keep prospective of the situation. I started keeping a log of everything that happened-- that way, when i felt confused or crazy, I could look back at it and remember why I was doing what I was doing. It really helped me clarify my position with him and helped me stick to boundaries.
hopes this helps. I'm groggy i'm so tired right now. heading to bed. hope this made some sense.
Good luck, mama!

 

[the sunshine]

Quote:

this costs money which I know he won't want to put out.

Interesting that you didn't say money that he couldn't afford.

This is your space, he should not expect to just roll on in when he wants to. I think you're making the mistake that so many of us make--we still feel sorry for him, and try to make things better for him, at the expense of (literally) ourselves. In my opinion, it's your time to listen to yourself, to do what makes you feel safe and good and happy.

You don't even have to give him a reason as to why he has to find somewhere else to stay. He just does. Your decision, period.

My ex has only been in my house once, and it was extremely uncomfortable for me.

 

[meemee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thistlelait I can only tell you from my experience-- it did not work for me. x moved 1/2 hour away from us -- then told me he couldn't afford the gas money to come see dd 3 days a week. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him sleep over because then dd would see her dad and I was a better person for trying to stay friendly with him. I totally needed my space when we seperated (never married- whew!) and I gave it up because i thought it was in the best interest of my daughter. But it wasn't and I resented it. i was still taking care of him and he didn't have to take any responsibility for himself. My ex was also very controlling and he ending up using this against me in my place-- looking through my stuff, breaking into my email. In my case, it just prolonged the agony. And I was completely stressed out again as soon as he walked in the door. It wasn't worth it. And it truly was not better for my dd either. You are not crazy! My ex always tried to make me feel that way too and it was hard to sit back and keep prospective of the situation. I started keeping a log of everything that happened-- that way, when i felt confused or crazy, I could look back at it and remember why I was doing what I was doing. It really helped me clarify my position with him and helped me stick to boundaries. hopes this helps. I'm groggy i'm so tired right now. heading to bed. hope this made some sense. Good luck, mama!

this was my experience too and ex ended up calling CPS on me because i was online too much and not cleaning house the way he wanted me to. he was v. controlling in our relationship too. i am going to move next month and guess what he gets no key. initially i thought i was helping him out since he was living in his car.

 

[Jster]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bellasmum What do those of you do when your X only visits YOU and lives in another city?

I make ex stay in a hotel nearby. At first, my family manipulated me into trying to accomodate him, having him over for dinner, etc. I hated it, hated having him any where near my stuff or my life. And it wasn't very good for dd, either, because she was getting mixed messages and the dispute that followed were a lot more heated. In the beginning ex was irresponsible about hotels...for the very first night he came, for instance, he didn't have a reservation and it was spring break in FL

: so no availability. The next time, I required him to tell me where he was staying before he came. And also we had problems with him being iffy on when he'd visit, for instance he was planning on coming the next spring break, but cancelled at the last minute and we'd already rearranged our lives for it. So I said that he can't visit unless he proves he has transportation here. It's really helped in the long run, the more boundaries I set up. He resists them at first, but then is more mature and responsible in the end.

 

[Mommay]

I've actually been the "invader". Stbxh is letting us stay with him while we wait for our new apartment to become available. I can tell he is getting a little antsy about us staying, but he's been good. We've been getting along fabulously, so it's been working.

He did visit us where we are one time before we decided to move back. He had to rent a car and stay at a hotel and I have to say that it was quite costly for him, which I really thought could be better spent elsewhere. So I understand the money issue.

Your family is going to feel uncomfortable with him staying with you because they're protective of you. I'm not sure though that they are at the best stand-point to say whether or not it's appropriate for him to stay with you. You should do what works best for your situation. You can still let your family know you appreciate their concern. Good luck.

 

[pranamama]

I wouldn't let my stbx stay with me but it has meant that I have to send my children to him. If you kindof get along it may be better than having to drive back halfway which is probably what a judge might decide should happen.

 

[xenomama]

Right now, stbx drives about 5.5 hrs to visit DD. I think he's been sleeping in his car to avoid paying for a hotel. It is time-consuming, and expensive, but he only comes every 3 weeks. I keep telling myself the stats that divorced men only have a standard of living decrease for 2-3 years afterwards. Women are worse off for much longer.

I am ok with him visiting with DD in the house because I work at home during that time. It allows DD to maintain some of her routines, is cheaper, and much better when it's really cold. I will consider having him sleep at our house when the baby comes. I'll be desperate for help, probably. Even a couple of days would be nice.

Luckily, stbx is just as uncomfortable with the situation as I am, so there's no pressure from him.

 

[ilex]

Thank you for all your replies.

We had a talk and decided we would see how dd (ds is too young) deals with him being here, and see how we deal with it and go from there. After this last visit I realized that for the short time he is here he is quite respectful of my space and that this is my home, not his. And he was very helpful, not crossing any lines and it was actually nice to have him here. dd didn't seem too confused by it, but we will see, it was only the one visit so far. He was open to trying to find other accomodation though, which I was surprised at. I'm sure time will tell, really. And at least he feels the same way. I did notice though that by the third day that he was here we started morphing back into our old ways, which REALLY disturbed me. And funny enough I have been quite depressed since he left, contrast this with me being really happy and strong before he came. I just hope this isn't a pattern...

 

[MaWhit]

Me and the kids moved away after the divorce, and XH drives 4 hours to come see them about every other weekend and stays overnight at our house. We made an agreement in advance that this would be the arrangement only as long as it was working for BOTH of us. His first visit, he was an asshole to me. I told him that I knew we both wanted to make this arrangemetn work (there is no way he could afford a motel), and that I would not tolerate his disrespecting me in my home or in front of our kids. I made it clear that this was his only warning. If it happened again, he would not be able to stay in my home. I suggested he find other ways of thinking about to help him in the situation... Instead of seeing me as his ex-wife, he could view me as a sister, or better yet, his hostess. He should ask himself if he'd yell at them in their home, and act accordingly. He called me up the next morning and apologized, saying that his sadness and anxiety at having to say goodbye to the kids manifested as anger to me, which I can see. He has been great at every visit since.

He sleeps upstairs with the big kids, and I take advantage of his presence to get alone time for myself. I go to the library, thrift stores, coffee shops, for walks, etc. It's rejuvinating for me, and we don't fall into any old patterns that way. I do sometimes hang out with them for awhile, so the kids can have us both at the same time and they really appreciate it. But mostly it's their Daddy Time and they love it. It's been over 3 months, and except for that first visit, we've had no problems. He's a good friend to me.

 

[xenomama]

Wow - I hope my experience can be like yours is now.

 

[Jilian]

My ex lives in the same town so we don't have issues with one person needing a place to stay. I did want to point out that a lot of times when the ex husband gets a new GF things change a lot. So this arrangement may not work long-term. STBX and I were great friends even after I got a serious BF, once he got a GF that all changed. We are no longer friends, at all. It is sad because we used to co-parent nicely. So be sure to plan for the future and discuss things like this before they arise.

 

[boston]

I moved out of our house in Boston and moved 2 hours North, to Maine with the girl. He came up on weekends (when he could) the first couple years. When she turned 3, I started letting her go to Boston on weekends. We have this stupid rotation that he came up with that I don't particularly like but I don't care enough to argue about it. He's at my house 1 weekend, the next he's in a hotel in my city, and the 3rd weekend I take the girl to his place and he brings her back. So far it's working for everyone. But the weekend he's in my house always, always annoys me. I've been dating for 2 years now. I've been in a serious relationship for about a year and my SO stays here even when the ex is here. I wish my apt was bigger. In dd's room she has a queen sized bed so she sleeps there with her papa. But she's 4 and at some point I want to give them bunkbeds or something. I think when I move in with SO I'll buy dd one of those bunk beds with a futon underneath it.

The thing is, I get sick of looking at my ex's face once-twice a month and we get along GREAT. He's just irritating. He's a man I don't love and he's in my space. I only like sharing space with men I'm sleeping with because they're messy and take up too much room. If this is how I feel about the man I have actually got a great ex-spouse relationship with, then I realize it might be much harder for others. But if it works for you, do it!

I'm hoping to move somewhere with an extra bathroom and living room so that I can distance myself even more when the ex is here. I prefer having dd at home, even on Papa weekends, and I think she does too. She likes the adventure of going to Boston. But it's disruptive for her.