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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is it a problem to do too many things apart in a relationship?<br><br>
My dh and I each have our own bank accounts. We both have been irresponsible with money in the past, and today I think I am more responsbile, so we have separate accounts and we each pay half (or whatever we can afford) of everything and ask the other for money when we run out.<br><br>
This may sound trivial, but we have different tastes in food - I like strong coffee, well-done meat and pasta and rice that is cooked to a chewy consistency; dh likes everything the opposite. When we cook these things we have to cook them separately and we often eat apart as well.<br><br>
Lately we have been discussing separate sleeping arrangements because dh snores and likes the windows open and the room cold. I like the room warm, and also we live on a busy street so I think it's too loud to open the windows anyway. Our queen-size bed seems too small for us, and our room is too small for us to get a bigger bed. Someday we will move to a quiet neighborhood and a bigger place, so maybe this problem is only temporary. I also like to sleep diagonally, which isn't good for dh. Several times a month, one of us gives up and moves to the couch. We go back and forth a lot: "It's too HOT!" "Well, now it's too LOUD!" "You're on MY SIDE of the bed!"<br><br>
I'm just wondering if doing too much apart can lead to phasing your partner out of parts of your life. Something about all this does not feel right.<br><br>
However, a woman I know who has been married for years and years (the minister at our wedding, actually) lives in a different house than her husband, and she says she loves that arrangement and it works well for them!
 

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I am curious what others think of this...My first reaction is yes,it is a problem to do too many things apart...but then I think hey if both people are happy then why should it matter. I feel like me and my dp are headed in that direction too. We are pretty much opposite in everything. I read a book on marriages once and the author was totally against this type of relationship...he said that it leads to living two seperate lives with little or no connection to each other. But if you love one another then isn't that the most important connection there is?
 

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I agree with amymarie. It depends on whether you feel that this separateness is creating a sense of distence and a lack of connection. If not, you are fine. I'm sure wonderful close families can be formed out of people who eat differnt food every night etc.<br><br>
But if so, you may have to comprimise. Even if you don't eat the same thing, can you cook together? Can you experiment with food to find something you both like. The sleeping thing is tougher. Earplugs and a white noice machine by my bed does wonders for me (dh snores bad). I also don't like to be toched when I sleep, so there isn't much snuggling. But I love teh nights we end up staying up talking till 3 am, and I do get a sense of closeness sleeping near him.
 

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This issue has come up quite a bit with my friends lately. All of us have been married between 10 and 20 years. Most of us don't sleep in the same bed, or even in the same room anymore. For the reasons you mentioned, we just get a better nights sleep.<br><br>
I happen to like my steaks to a different doneness than dh does. He snores and sweats and likes the room cold. I prefer to be warm, hate having wet sweaty sheets and need dark and silence to sleep well. We still love each dearly. I think too often we as a society put expecations on couples that we should like everything the same, have everything in common. While it's great to share things we both love to do, it doesn't define our love for each other. In fact, I think it's better for the relationship if both parties can get what they need. I know we are both less crabby now that we get a good nights sleep.<br><br>
Is anyone really closer to their partner because they like their food with the same amount of salt?? I don't think so.
 

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I would think its a problem, only if you felt it was.<br><br>
It would seem to me a bit of compromise could help. cant you alternate the way the pot roast is done? cant you make the pasta al dente one week, the next soft? Is it so big a deal, that you cant eat together as a couple/family? am i making sense? However, like i said, if it doesnt bother you that you dont eat, sleep or pool the money together, then i guess thats ok, as long as you are OK with it, kwim?<br><br>
Maybe its bothering you more than you think.
 

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Arduinna articulated how I feel about this very well (thanks!)<br><br>
Being in relationship (to me, this day,) is about two separate beings relating, loving and learning with each other. It doesnt mean you have to give up how you like to eat, sleep, what you wear etc<br>
I think merging is natural but I also think separating and being "untomyself" (hehe) is equally important. I give me and my partner more of who I am when I can be true this way.<br>
Its a qualititive difference between defending against commitment and remaining soildly inside it, yet true to your rhythms.<br>
cheers!
 

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Hello, I know how you feel, OP. My husband were (are) heading in what feels like such opposite directions. We have always had different interests and have never done “everything” together but some of the day to day things were bugging me. The sleep arrangements were the biggest problem for me because I had this idea that that is what being married is. I know it sounds funny but I think that’s how I used to define marriage when I was a kid, as people who sleep in the same bed together. I guess I’m married to my daughter.<br>
Anyway, I just jumped in to say that things with my husband and I were so distant and separate that I figured we were heading for a divorce. Then, out of the blue things got better. Also, the only problem with what was happening to me is that it didn’t feel right to me (or my husband). I agree with everyone else that all is good if it works for you.<br>
One more thing, this out of the blue thing could have something to do with our child suddenly getting much more independent and also more interested in her father. I think that for the first time we really do have our daughter “in common”.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I don't know why I have been dwelling so much on every little thing we do differently. I was recently thinking about the fact that although we sit at the same desk to use the computer, we each have separate chairs! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/duh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="duh"> Because I like the kind without a back...
 

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Until we had children, dh and I spent christmas apart every year. My family is in IL, we are in AZ and Christmas is a big deal for my family. I would save my vacation time and go for a week every year. The holidays isn't as big a deal for his family (think cold cuts for xmas dinner) and he didn't want to use vacation time or $$$ for plane tickets, so I went 'home' alone. After children, it is more important for us as a family to be together, so separate holidays are a thing of the past, but we're trying to alternate, one in AZ, one in IL.<br><br>
A friend of ours told us we were destined for divorce b/c we didn't spend holidays together. We've been together for 13 years, so I don't think it's scarred us.<br><br>
I agree, it's only a problem if one of you have a problem with the arrangement. Otherwise, if it's working for you- keep it up.
 

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Let's go back to the money. We have separate accounts in our relationship. (There is one joint account for wedding/anniversary money, but we don't really use it.) I think it's probably okay, BUT it means that we aren't totally planning expenditures together. We don't ask each other before we buy things. I am not sure that this is a good thing for our marriage. It seems like we are great at parenting, cuddling, relating to each other's families, etc. But I think we need to do a budget together. We are going to have to do it eventually, somehow we've been putting it off because we're afraid of conflict or something.<br><br>
how about you, Greaseball? Is this one of the things that has you worried? I feel like money, sex, parenting and family relationships are the biggies, not necessarily in that order. What do you think?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'd say as far as the relationship goes I am more worried about parenting. I guess nothing is really wrong with having separate accounts, if that's what works; it's just that when we pay rent it seems funny to be saying "OK, now you pay two months and I'll pay two months, and maybe I can cover the phone bill this time too." That seems more like what boyfriend-and-girlfriend couples do, not married couples. But I also like having financial autonomy and not having to explain every single thing I buy.<br><br>
At least we don't worry about sex!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 
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