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Any mamas out there in the midst of this? We are in the process of adopting our almsot 3 year old foster daughter. It is an open adoption and a transracial one. Anyone btdt/atdt?
 

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We are hopefully adopting our 10 month old foster son. It is an open adoption. He has a relationship with his birth mother, birth father, half-brother, grandmothers on both his maternal and paternal side, aunts on his paternal side, and birth cousins on his paternal side. We think it is great he is so loved by so many people.<br><br>
I've read tons and tons on adoption, but it is hard to come by stories and information about open foster-adoption. Open foster-adoption presents some unique situations (in comparison to non-foster open adoptions, and in comparison to non-open foster adoptions). In non-foster open adoptions, the parents are choosing adoption, but in foster-adoption, the parents are often not at peace with not being able to parent. This seems like it will present a unique dynamic to dfs's relationship with his birth parents (particularly birth mother, in his case) as he gets older.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Sierra</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">, but in foster-adoption, the parents are often not at peace with not being able to parent. This seems like it will present a unique dynamic to dfs's relationship with his birth parents (particularly birth mother, in his case) as he gets older.</div>
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YES. I agree completely. That is our experience as well. We've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with this birth mother for more than 2 years. She has been talking about adoption the whole time. Even though our foster daughter was with us a whole year -- she still couldn't make up her mind and yanked her back for 4 months. Which was unbelievably painful forus. Finally, we all are at the stage of talking to attorneys and reviewing paperwork and having our homestudy done. I am so petrified she will change her mind again now. This week we are negotiating a legally enforceable post-adoption contact agreement. It is a very sticky situation and very stressful all around.
 

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Wow. I will think of you this week. I know how intense and stressful it all is. I'm right there with you.<br><br>
We have already signed and negotiated our open adoption agreement. It is legally binding here too, once the adoption is finalized.<br><br>
We actually were okay with a fairly liberal arrangement, but the state workers pushed that we only commit to a minimum. What we ended up signing, which I guess is pretty standard for our foster-adoptions in our area, was a commitment to send the birth family one letter and one photo per year, though our personal commitment to them is actually much bigger and he visits with them frequently. The state workers' reasoning was that we need to have flexibility. In retrospect, perhaps this was wise given that dfs' mother is still quite conflicted about her inability to parent and doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand a lot of reality. When she is going through a period when her grasp on reality is particularly thin, her interactions with him could be quite harmful. I pray that we never have to tell her that we need to take a break from visits.<br><br>
I hope all comes together for your adoption.
 

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Our post-adoption agreement is much more inclusive than most. Our attorney said it was the most unusual one she's seen. Natural mom is asking for one 5 hour unsupervised visit per month, plus 4th of July. Also wants telephone contact on all birthdays and holidays AND to be copied once yearly on all medical files and for us to commit to taking dd to african american cutltural events quarterly. It is very demanding. And has me stressed out to the max. I will appreciate your good thoughts this week. I need all the support I can get right now.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I don't have any guidance, just good wishes. That is a lot more control than I'd be open to...of course, it may be my inner (mostly) control freak coming out!<br><br>
We adopted dd through an open adoption, but her birthmom chose not to parent. It is great to hear you alls experience, since we are meeting a birthmom on Thursday. It will be a transracial adoption and I wonder about what might be different in our post-contact agreement. I had heard that many AA birthmoms prefer less contact, but it will be good to have an idea of other possibilities going into this. We love the openness with dd#1 and her birthfamily, and we are wary of less with her sibling.
 
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