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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
You know, after going through this divorce lunacy, and what came before it, and finding out that stbx was shopping for others even when we were together, and hearing the other stories...I am done. I think I am just done with men. I used to get really offended by women who made blanket statements like that, but at this point I just don't see what a man has to offer me that's worth all the trouble. Maybe there are wonderful, sane, fun, faithful men out there who clean up after themselves, are responsible, share household responsibilities more or less equally, enjoy family, and are good in the sack, and remain that way for decades. But after 20+ years of involvement with men, it seems to me that the odds of finding a guy like that are pretty slim. And to settle for less...I guess I don't really see the point. It's not like they have anything to offer that I don't already have. Love, check; friendship, check; family, check; sex, well, I'm pretty good on my own, if I do say so; income, check. I'm not looking for someone else to take care of me in my old age, and I sure don't want another round of spousal-caregiving duties.<br><br>
Oh my God. This is the first time I've said "I think I'm done with men" and genuinely meant it. It's incredibly liberating.<br><br>
=) No wonder men get so furious about feminism. It really raises the bar if they want to get next to a woman.
 

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Me too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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*sigh* I can SO relate.
 

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me too! (divorced once, widowed once)<br><br>
and it <i>is</i> quite liberating! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br>
I actually am liking single parenting and find it suits me most of the time.<br><br>
I am not bashing men at all in any way. I just choose not to get involved with one atm (I've had enough) and I am actually happy about it! (this is shocking to others, why I have no idea?)
 

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I feel precisely the same way. I'm not bitter about men in general, just my ex. But as for disrupting my life to put up with yet another incredibly imperfect man...what's the point? Been there, done that, and it wasn't so great (not just with the evil ex, but anyone I've dated). In fact, at this point it blows my mind that most women in general haven't reached that conclusion. While I have some friends who have good and decent husbands, it actually depresses me to think of being so <i>attached</i> to somebody...as in, if they left, the wife's world would fall apart. I kind of like being my own little world.
 

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You know, I have always been an incredibly independant person, but screwed up when it comes to men, and in my past that independance has just been lost when I am with someone, which has led to many many problems and a lifetime of disappointment and regret. I am just now getting the "why" of that and it is incredibly liberating to finally get to a point in my life where I can see the men in my life and my relationships from a fairly healthy perspective. But it is also extremely frustrating as what I see in these relationships and in all but one around me, is the same...something I do not want in my life, nor will ever again settle for or tolerate. I struggle with having a healthy single-loving life, but it is getting more and more so the longer I am single, the longer I am witness to all of the shit that people put up with, with each other. I love my life, being single and celebrating it. There are times when I long for what my sister has, but she is with the one man I know and can think of that fits all of the above qualifications(mama40). And she didn't meet him until she was 35 and had gone through a string of horrible relationships, much like me...and most people I know <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> So sometimes I think....that would be nice, but I'm not holding my breath. I am truly for the first time experiencing independance, because I now really know what that means, and it is liberating, beautiful, and sexy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Truly, when I meet a woman who is single and not longing for not being single, that is so sexy to me. Ironic, isn't it?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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i love men. i will never be done with them, but i won't live with any unless he is absolutely exceptional, and i have serious reservations about that, too. i like the idea of apartments in the same building, not the same floor, that way i don't have to deal with his mess, or listen to him snore, be treated like a maid, or live with the results with his poor fiscal choices.
 

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I just read my post and it sounds way more negative than I meant it to...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I am far from perfect and would never think that because there aren't many "perfect men" out there that I would rather be single...As I said to a friend of mine the other day, my expectations are higher than they have ever been, and my tolerances are lower, which slims the choices quite significantly...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I can imagine being with someone in the future, but it would have to look like something I have never seen before. When your kids are involved and your time and your being is stretched so significantly, there is no way you can give that much attention, that much energy that a relationship requires, if it isn't something extraordinary. That's all I was trying to say...ahem...continue...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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I can't say I'm done with men, but I am done looking or craving a man. It took a little<br>
time but for the first time in my life I don't feel lonely. I find it so interesting that I'm<br>
alone but not lonely, while in the past I was in so many unhealthy relationships where<br>
I felt desperately lonely. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
If another man enters my life it will be by accident. We'll both just happen to be at that<br>
same place at the same time. I imagine that we would be friends first, but maybe not.<br><br>
Plus lately while reading posts in TAO or partners I am not jealous of the majority of<br>
marriages I read about. It's looking less desirable everyday. That's not a judgement<br>
against those who are happily married. I feel more and more that life is not for me.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>trinity6232000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8134209"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can't say I'm done with men, but I am done looking or craving a man. It took a little time but for the first time in my life I don't feel lonely. I find it so interesting that I'm alone but not lonely...</div>
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Janna, how did you get to that point? I want to be there but I'm not...
 

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As I washed dishes in the sink tonight, bemoaning for a moment that I no longer have a dishwasher or a laundry in my apartment (It was a trade-off I had to make to live on the coast), I noticed the quiet. My 8 yo dd was doing her homework just in the other room, and it was just simply quiet. And I actually thought about the last time I was living with a man, how he made it so unquiet all the time, with his hollering and blathering away, and irritating jokes and one-liners I had heard ad infinitem. And the tv sports noises all the time, which I could not stand. Even when the guy was nice, a different man now, my ex-husband, a very nice chatty guy... always talking, talking, talking. My ears would be bleeding, my brain aching for my own chosen thoughts, but he was DEAF to my requests to give it a break. When we divorced, finally, we were sitting in the car as our marriage was trailing to the end, he was telling me something, another one of "his" thoughts, ideas, plans, whatever the heck, and I just blurted out to him, "Who cares?" And he totally got it, and we laughed. But I was done. I wanted the quiet. I like to be with my own quiet thoughts.<br><br>
I do have a dream of a man, a man who is like me; who enjoys his own quiet thoughts, time to himself; who loves to laugh and gets my sense of humor and makes me laugh, too; a man who is financially confident and comfortable and smart; who is a feminist, who understands the world as I do and looks unafraid at truth. I dream of a man who is a father in the truest sense at the soul level, who comes into our lives embracing with joy the responsibilities of parenting and raising healthy, strong, confident children. Who likes dogs and cats, too, and whose spirituality blends wonderfully with mine, enhances mine, and vice versa. He's a dream, a wish I have every so often. It's got to be quiet for me to have that dream. I do enjoy the serenity of raising my child alone, of living my day to day in much solitude, being able to go out and socialize if I want and stay home if I don't want. Living is so enjoyable this way. I could never give it up entirely.<br><br>
Yeah, it's a nice life this way. Peaceful. Comfortably predictable. My daughter is comfortable and secure and that is a big warm fuzzy in my heart: she feels safe and secure and is able to grow and develop wonderfully in this environment that I provide for us. That's pretty awesome, really. If there is that dream man out there who can add something good to what we already have, well, he's welcome in our lives and we have a lot of love and fun to give. But my days of looking for him are long past... he's going to have to come up beside me while I'm moving ahead with my life. I can't be looking back, or looking around; I've got to be looking ahead.<br><br>
VF
 

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I call the period following divorce - the period of redefinition. I used this time to grieve the loss of the marriage and the idea of "the white picket fence". I took time to figure out my roll in the demise of our marriage - took a look at patterns... (I'm still doing this 6 years later). It was a time to redefine family for myself and two dc. Who was I going to be if I wasn't the wife of a cheater? It was a time to begin creating a family life for dc and I - a home where everyone was cherished. I wanted to make my way - the three of us.<br><br>
This is a hard time- I think a lot of divorced people skip this part because it is hard - they go straight to another relationship to ease the pain.<br><br>
Eventually I felt like dating again - just going to the movies or something like that. But when I got into a significant relationship - it was a choice. I didn't need someone to make me whole - I was already whole - I could support my dc- I had friends, family - a big full life. Being in a relationship now is a choice for me.<br><br>
Sorry to be rambling - I'm still drinking coffee. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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I feel the same way - I love men, love looking at them, physically being with them, etc. - and I accept that there must be good ones out there - but I don't think I can stand to deal with living with, or fnancially, legally, or otheriwse in a binding way, entangle myself with another one of them.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Viewfinder</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8134513"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">he's going to have to come up beside me while I'm moving ahead with my life.</div>
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Wow, Viewfinder. What a perfect way to put it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>woo27ks</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8134891"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Eventually I felt like dating again - just going to the movies or something like that. But when I got into a significant relationship - it was a choice. I didn't need someone to make me whole - I was already whole - I could support my dc- I had friends, family - a big full life. <b>Being in a relationship now is a choice for me.</b><br></div>
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This is EXACTLY where I am at also. In fact, woo27ks, I could have written your exact words. It takes time to get to this point, though.<br><br>
Although, at the same time, I have friends that are lifelong bachelors and bachelorettes and I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. I don't believe that "traditional" relationships are for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all IMO.<br><br>
There are pros and cons to it all. You just have to decide what pros and cons you can/want to live with.
 

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I think it's important to make the distinction.<br><br>
Being single as a choice, because it feels good and you are content with who you are and where you are at in life, is moving towards something in a positive way.<br><br>
Being single because you are avoiding men or thinking there is no one worthy out there, can be running away from something in a negative way.<br><br>
I think many of us feel both at different times in our lives. I know, after my ex left, I probably avoided for awhile. But, as I've grown as a person and healed from that relationship (and others) it's become a choice and feels much better than the other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MsChatsAlot</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8136948"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I<br>
Being single because you are avoiding men or thinking there is no one worthy out there, can be running away from something in a negative way.</div>
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Oh, I don't know. I guess it can be, but it doesn't have to be. If you look at the landscape and say, "Hm -- these relationships just aren't that great, on balance. I don't want to take care of another grownup, and men seem to want to be taken care of, and want my time, no matter how self-reliant and responsible they look at first. And there doesn't seem to be anything I really need from them. So maybe I should drop the idea and move on."<br><br>
Avoiding men...I'm finding it's a dicey thing. I've been very used to a collegial, feminist kind of relationship with men, and never saw a reason to avoid them before. But now that I'm single with a small child, I get hit on a lot more. (Go figure.) Maybe they think I'm no longer a sexless honorary-man career woman, or maybe they figure I'm vulnerable and in need of a man, I don't know. Occasionally I find that in the midst of conversation we're really talking about their penis. I'm so not interested, and I don't want to deal with the ego surrounding the penis, let the guys down gently, and sort of dance around the issue. I think maybe I should cut that out and just be more matter-of-fact. It will probably scare the hell out of some people, but so it goes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I understand now how middle-aged women get to be scary.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mama40</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8137299"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, I don't know. I guess it can be, but it doesn't have to be. If you look at the landscape and say, "Hm -- these relationships just aren't that great, on balance. I don't want to take care of another grownup, and men seem to want to be taken care of, and want my time, no matter how self-reliant and responsible they look at first. And there doesn't seem to be anything I really need from them. So maybe I should drop the idea and move on."<br><br>
Avoiding men...I'm finding it's a dicey thing. I've been very used to a collegial, feminist kind of relationship with men, and never saw a reason to avoid them before. But now that I'm single with a small child, I get hit on a lot more. (Go figure.) Maybe they think I'm no longer a sexless honorary-man career woman, or maybe they figure I'm vulnerable and in need of a man, I don't know. Occasionally I find that in the midst of conversation we're really talking about their penis. I'm so not interested, and I don't want to deal with the ego surrounding the penis, let the guys down gently, and sort of dance around the issue. I think maybe I should cut that out and just be more matter-of-fact. It will probably scare the hell out of some people, but so it goes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I understand now how middle-aged women get to be scary.</div>
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Wow, if I had the experiences you have had with men, then I would also be avoiding them.<br><br>
Thankfully, that has never been the case for me or any of my relationships with men.<br><br>
In addition, I have been able to witness some amazing, long-term, equal partnerships/marriages that demonstrate that men, and male/female relationships, are not as you have unfortunately experienced.<br><br>
You shouldn't need anything from a man. If you do, imo, you should be with any man until you can get that need met on your own.<br><br>
I don't need my DP. I want him because he bring a little bit of extra highlight (and, yes, some drama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> ) into my already fabulous life.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mama40</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8137299"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, I don't know. I guess it can be, but it doesn't have to be. If you look at the landscape and say, "Hm -- these relationships just aren't that great, on balance. I don't want to take care of another grownup, and men seem to want to be taken care of, and want my time, no matter how self-reliant and responsible they look at first. And there doesn't seem to be anything I really need from them. So maybe I should drop the idea and move on."</div>
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I dislike generalizations because they are unfair.<br><br>
To me, there is still a huge distinction between saying:<br><br>
I am happy with who I am. I like myself, I life my life, I feel balanced and whole and complete. As such, I am happy as I make the choice to be single.<br><br>
AND<br><br>
Men want something from me; my time, my energy, for me to care for them, for sex etc. and quite frankly, I'm not interested and as such, I am choosing to be single.<br><br>
The first, comes from a place of acceptance and choosing to be single based on feeling good and moving forward in a positive way. The second, comes from a place of negativity and resistance. Both are fine...just very different experiences....at least, for me.
 

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I would love the right one. Unfortunately, I don't know where he lives. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:. But I wouldn't want to live with him. That's just too much for me right now. I have a male friend that I would give my right eye for (hopefully, that situation will not arise) as we have been friends for a few decades, so I know that there are decent men out there. I just have not had the good fortune to link up with them.<br><br>
On the flipside though, I do not date as I just can't see myself doing that just yet... So maybe I haven't met him because I have been afraid to leave the house. Go figure! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:
 
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